In love with late friend’s husband

[CrossingTheLine]

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

You aren't doing anything wrong. However, I agree with PP's who have asked about your feelings for each other and whether or not they are tangled up in missing your friend/his wife.

So I would just make sure you are really honest with yourself about your feelings. Make sure that if you do get together that it is for the right reasons. You don't want someone's ghost inbetween you for the rest of your lives.

I don't mean to dismiss your feelings but I doubt that you are in love with him. You probably don't really know who he is and vice versa.

I've been in war zones. I've seen death. I've seen people experience extreme emotions. I've also seen people fall in love while experiencing extreme emotions. It doesn't ever survive the day-to-day reality.

Good luck. But you do need a lot more than a shared grief if it's to work.

@9PointsOnMyLicence

I don't mean to dismiss your feelings but I doubt that you are in love with him. You probably don't really know who he is and vice versa.

I've been in war zones. I've seen death. I've seen people experience extreme emotions. I've also seen people fall in love while experiencing extreme emotions. It doesn't ever survive the day-to-day reality.

Good luck. But you do need a lot more than a shared grief if it's to work.

You say that she doesn't know who she is, yet this man is someone she has known for a long time (he was the husband of her dear friend.)

I've been in life threatening situations e.g. natural disaster and domestic violence. I am in a long time relationship that was formed in a traumatic situation. Relationships formed under those circumstances can survive, if the two people are compatible.

So, if your current partner wanted to sleep with your best friend you'd be ok with this as long as that's how they wanted to live their lives?

Don't be a dick. Do you have any idea just how ridiculous you sound? No my current dp wouldn't want to sleep with my best friend. Because he wants to be with me. If I was dead then maybe he would find love with her. Because I wouldn't be here anymore, and I wouldn't be coming back. And I would be happy that they were happy if that's what they wanted.

In the same way, I wouldn't have slept with my husband's best friend when he was still alive. Because I was in a commited faithful relationship with my husband. Now he's not here anymore. And he never will be again. You know that bit in the vows until death do us part? Well it means exactly that. Its finished. Over. And you won't be seeing them again. And somehow you have to work your way through that and start trying to pick up the pieces of your life. Thus staying loyal to someone whose never going to be here again maybe a noble cause for you in theory... I bet you wouldn't like it so much if you lived the reality of it, and had to listen to the stupid petty judgements passed about you, by people just like you. I am allowed to live my life however I please. As is the op. And anyone else who finds themselves in the position where their other half has died. My late husband would have been happy to see me happy. And quite frankly, that's all that bloody matters.

far too soon.
he is devastated. your grieving is small by comparison.
you can be friends but do not rush into anything sexual/romantic.
or it could mess him up and cause him even more distress.
i've had feelings for lots of people throughout my life.
97% haven't acted on that; and very glad that i didn't.
having feelings is normal, unremarkable; the thing is to be a mature responsible human being. don't use people for amusement, to avoid boredom, for distraction, to flee loneliness or grief.
be a friend. friends are slow burning, and endure, a real support.
romance flares up, flashes and fizzles out. a sad or embarrassing episode.
all the best

I'm genuinely pleased for you. You are the exception that proves the rule. I'd love to know how you came out the other side but that's for another thread. PM me.

Wildone84

I can’t understand anyone not directly involved in your situation who would judge you.

Why? How does it affect them?

All I’d say is tread carefully with his kids. They’ll be really hurting, and you might end up on the receiving end of some displaced grief.

But anyone else who says they would judge you isn’t worth listening to. Balls to ‘em.

Follow your heart OP but don't mistake shared loss for compatibility. Look at him objectively and see what's there for you. He has no children to consider so I see nothing holding you back.

This has happened to me (in terms of it being immediate family members) twice, and I know it's happened with other further links of mine too.

I didn't say anything either time, even though it felt "too soon" for me, because it wasn't too soon for them.

Both couples married and are still very very happy. I am glad I didn't say anything.

Just be aware your grown up children will most likely be as similarly internally conflicted as I was, even if they don't say anything and seem happy and supportive.

Life is short. I'd hope everyone agrees with that!

I think I'd also face a bit of cognitive dissonance in remembering my friend, because generally partners don't sit around talking about their exes. This would be difficult if it was a dear friend, because I wouldn't want to 'erase' them but it would seem odd talking about the times I spent with them and their/my partner.

...and dearly remembering friend who would probably be thinking 'screw you both' if she could see us now.

Go for it OP.

I (and I think most people) wouldn't be particularly thrilled with their bestie getting together with their recent ex. In this situation, the only difference is that your friend is no longer about to protest.

No, the only difference is that they are dead. It's not your best friend sleeping with your partner as you don't have a partner if you are dead. A dead person can't have a partner, or an ex partner, they can't have anyone or anything as they don't exist.

The negative comments seem to fall into two camps:

1. Unseemly & distateful as though this is some sort of breach of etiquette from another century.

1. Immature and insulting: using expressions like 'shacking up', 'jumping into bed', 'shagging a bestie'.

Once I am dead, I am gone. If my DH were to start a relationship with a friend of mine then that is what it is. They would already know each other.

I dont see an issue with jewellery as to me it isnt tainted by memory. It is made from materials which have been around for thousands upon thousand of years, being made into a ring for me is a mere speck in that history.

When DM went on a couple of dates after DF died I had some conflicted feelings. But those were my feelings to keep to myself.

So, if your current partner wanted to sleep with your best friend you'd be ok with this as long as that's how they wanted to live their lives? This thread really is the gift that keeps on giving.

I maintain my view that most of this objection is because people don’t want to admit their own mortality, and people don’t want to think for themselves that one day, they’ll be dead, and when that happens, their partner may move on with someone they know.

But here’s the thing. You’ll be dead. You won’t know any of this is happening, you won’t have any control over anything in what used to be your life, you’ll be dead. Gone, not coming back.

Thing is if my partner wanted to sleep with my best friend now while I’m alive I could end the relationship with both of them. But once I’m dead they’re both free to live their lives as I would no longer be his partner or her best friend.

Like a PP I also have a life limiting illness which means I am very likely to die before my DP. I have of course joked to my DP that if he gets together with someone I don’t approve of then I’ll come back and haunt them, but in all seriousness we have had actual discussions about this, and I have been very specific that not only would I want him to move on, but that I would expect him to, because twenty/thirty years is a long time to be living on your own, and even if it was someone I know, so what? It’s not going to hurt me is it? I’ll be, you know, dead.

People are so prescriptive about not wanting a partner to get together with their friend, but what if it’s something else? Maybe the partner might get together who doesn’t have the same taste in music/who doesn’t hold the same moral values/who wants more children to become half siblings to the ones you already have/who wants the family home sold immediately so they can buy a joint home with your widow and have more babies, or perhaps they might even have babies with your partner when you maybe weren’t able to. The list is endless, and fact is, you just can’t be prescriptive about what happens when you die.

I'm shocked by some of the comments here (heaven knows why some people here delight in being cruel). My husband is a great husband. He is kind, loyal, loving, committed, funny and makes me very happy. If I died some woman would be lucky to have him and I'd love him to be happy again. The thought of him missing out on the retirement we have planned and being lonely is awful. Good for it OP.

I know a few people who this has happened to and it has been so nice to see them happy again.

If I died and DH was to get together with one of my friends I wouldn't mind, I would hope they would share their memories of me together and support each other in their sadder moments. A new 'stranger' wife may not want to talk about her husbands deceased wife or want her photo on display.

Wishing you all the best op.

Goodness - what a lot of comments! In answer to a few, yes, we are in our 60’s and we have known each other a long time. No, I didn’t want to have a relationship with him before, because he was a married man. I will say again that it is not about sex but some people do not seem to understand that.
Thank you to those who have shared stories similar to my own, clearly it is not uncommon for this sort of thing to happen. I will take things slowly and see how things go.

I think it is lovely for something good to come out of such a sad situation, and I am very sorry that you have lost your friend.

My best friend died last summer. While I’ve no problem with her husband moving on, or her friends, I’d have struggled with it happening after only a few months. It’s a year this week and I could probably just cope with it now.

That said, another friend that died young’s husband got himself a new girlfriend two months after she died and moved her into my friend’s house a couple of months later. While I was glad he was happy I did think it was weird and it had big repercussions for his children (late teens).

When DM went on a couple of dates after DF died I had some conflicted feelings. But those were my feelings to keep to myself.

Couldn't have put it better - this was exactly how I felt when my DF went on a couple of dates (years) after my DM died. My feeling, my problem, be happy for him.

OP good luck - I wish both of you every joy in the future and hope it works out.

Good luck to you both - I very much hope you can find happiness in each other for a long time. :)

@CrossingTheLine. What a lovely response.
Best of luck to both of you. You deserve happiness.

Dh uncle was married for 20 years and she died very suddenly in her early 40s leaving 2 children.

He met another woman and was married within 12 months of his wifes death. He unrooted his children, moving 100 mile away. It caused no end of issues as his pre teen children grew up.

Then his 2nd wife died after 20 years together.

6 weeks after her funeral he had met someone else!!!!!

He married her 14 months after his 2nd wife had died.

He talks very fondly of his first wife, and did admit when drunk that his heart had always belonged to her. He was jumping from wife to wife as a replacement as he doesnt like being on his own.

@OrlandoInTheWilderness I think it is lovely she was kind to him. Hotpot was the way to his heart.
It could be worse in the olden days if a man with DC became a widower his friend would offer his DD to take over the rearing.
I joke to my niece about this.