Fallen out with MIL

[WhatOnEarth67]

Fallen out with my MIL and not sure what to do to fix it!

She hasn’t liked me since me and my partner got together. We had a baby back in April and ever since all I have got is criticism, what a good dad my partner is, how lucky I am to have him. I’m on mental health medication for postpartum mental health issues and she said I needed to sort that out because ‘how would I possibly cope without my partner’. She’s made so many comments and even pulled me to one side while my partner wasn’t in the room and gave me a lecture. I try to just let it slide to avoid an argument. She absolutely loves her other son’s daughter, constantly gushing about her, even when I got pregnant she wasn’t happy about it and said that it would be different if it was her other DIL. She invites her on holidays with them and is constantly posting pictures of them together. It does get to me because I’ve had her first grandson and I still don’t feel like a part of the family at all.

She recently got angry with me because I wasn’t comfortable with my partner’s brother seeing my baby because he was travelling from the other side of the country. I’ve agreed to a social distance meet now but I felt really pressured into it, I’ve been really cautious with my baby and it took 6 weeks for us to even feel comfortable enough for him to meet his isolating grandparents.

Every time I tried to tell her I was feeling uncomfortable she would shut me down and start patronising me. I ended up just letting everything building up out. Said how she was making me feel like a poor parent, that I’m constantly being criticised and told I’m doing thing wrong, and that I feel really pushed out of the family. She ignored my message and hasn’t spoken to me in a few days now, but has been messaging my partner about how she’s now scared I won’t let her see our baby, and how it’s all really unfair. This would never be the case.

I’m struggling anyway and wish I hadn’t said anything but I was getting really upset. Now I’m not sure how to fix it. Do I message her, or just leave it?

You don't need to fix it OP. Don't back down. If she is texting DP moaning, then it is for DP to fix it.

It's not your Mil it's your DP.

She sounds absolutely vile! I'm so sorry she's making this special time with your new baby so awful.
I'd let her stew in her own juice for a bit.
Your partner needs to be supporting you. Is he?

Sorry forgot to add that my DP has spoken to her multiple times and told her not to speak to me like that and to stop, but she hasn’t listened!

Either he stands up for you or you accept this is how things are and leave. I bet your mental health would be a lot better without this negative influence.

So the pair of you need to lower contact considerably, until or unless she learns to behave herself.

I would leave it. You don't need a MIL like that in your life when you're getting to grips with being a new mum along with related MH issues. Hopefully it will make her reflect on her behaviour and be more tactful if she is slightly in fear of seeing her grandchild less. Your DP should be standing up for you whenever she is critical towards you in front of him. Good for you that you stood up to her behaviour. She'll think twice before giving you another lecture.

I would stop taking the baby round if she is making you uncomfortable. I don't think that's unreasonable. She knows how you feel and hasn't apologised or even tried to explain her way out of it. She's just ignored you.

Ignore your mil, make sure your partner is very clear on how her behavior and comments make you feel. You need to agree on how you parent together, including letting people meet your baby

If your partner supports you, it will make your life easier. He can deal with his mother

I'd just not go to see her and not invite her

Stop taking the baby over to her house.

She needs to be civil and respectful.

I agree with the poster above, if she cannot be civil and respectful of you as the parent of her grandchild then she doesn’t deserve your time and effort in facilitating visits and calls etc. I’d disengage entirely - she wants to see the baby, your DP can take him/her to visit.

Don’t let her see the baby until she apologises and treats you nicely. Nobody should be pushing you to let your baby meet people until you are happy with it. Let DH deal with her and block her number.

I’m worried if I don’t let her see the baby she will claim that I am being manipulative and using him as a weapon. She’s also very well off and has made a point in the past of how she has ‘brilliant lawyers’

How long have you been together? I’m just curious - her behaviour is still entirely unreasonable.

Your DP needs to be properly firm with her.

My DH and I moved in after a year - I love his parents so never any issues but he said to me early on that if his parents were ever unpleasant to me or upset me he’d sort it out and I shouldn’t be afraid to tell him (HA! He didn’t know me as well then).

My point is I knew he meant it.

How is your DP sticking up for you? There’s a world of difference between ‘oh mum - don’t upset Whatonearth - she’s feeling a bit low right now - just dial it back’ and ‘mum - your behaviour is unacceptable. I refuse to allow you to treat Whatonearth like this anymore. It’s your decision but until you treat her properly with kindness and respect we won’t be seeing you.’

This isn’t for you to fix.

I'm assuming it's your health issues which
are making you react like this. Shes an awful person who you let influence your life far too much. Leave your dp to have a relationship with her and free yourself. Delete, block and ban from your home when you're there. She's doing it because she can.

She has no rights over your child. Expensive lawyers can’t change the law.

She’s also very well off and has made a point in the past of how she has ‘brilliant lawyers’

Which means fuck all, btw. Don't even consider apologising to this cow, and if your partner refuses to support you 100%, you have some very big decisions to make. Do you really want to spend your life being treated like shit by his family?

Ignore her. She is a manipulative bully. She has no rights, that in itself is manipulative. Dont let her take time away from you focusing on your baby. She has made you feel inferior that is why you are questioning yourself.
Well done on confronting her about her behaviour. Let that be the loud message she needs to get through her head - that you will not be treated this way.
What is your dp saying in all this?

@Merryoldgoat We have been together two years in December. The pregnancy was unplanned and she gave me a very rough time about it and told me I was ruining her son’s life.

He has told her it’s not okay to talk to me like that and he won’t be having it. The time where she pulled me aside, DP overheard, immediately packed up the car, told her what she was doing wasn’t okay and we were leaving.

You did the right thing to speak up.

The ball is in her court. Either she changes or she loses.
Its her mess, she needs to work it out for herself.

Ignore her, stop talking to her, stop going round there. Your partner can take the baby round.

Stop messaging. Stop seeing her. Just stop everything. Threatening you with her brilliant lawyers would be the end of the relationship for me. Let her indulge the other granddaughter and you get on with your life without her awful interference.

I have found it really upsetting but I know there’s nothing I can do about it. It is a shame, I was with someone for six years prior to this relationship and me and his mother had an amazing, close relationship. We would go on lunch dates and to the cinema and text frequently, I was immediately one of the family. Same with previous exe’s albeit not as long relationships. So I’m just not used to this at all!

I suspected you hadn’t been together long before getting pregnant - people like this always ramp up when you get pregnant as they sense the vulnerability.

Your DP sounds like he knows the score. Ask him to support you in reducing contact significantly and explain to her why.