Fallen out with MIL

[WhatOnEarth67]

Fallen out with my MIL and not sure what to do to fix it!

She hasn’t liked me since me and my partner got together. We had a baby back in April and ever since all I have got is criticism, what a good dad my partner is, how lucky I am to have him. I’m on mental health medication for postpartum mental health issues and she said I needed to sort that out because ‘how would I possibly cope without my partner’. She’s made so many comments and even pulled me to one side while my partner wasn’t in the room and gave me a lecture. I try to just let it slide to avoid an argument. She absolutely loves her other son’s daughter, constantly gushing about her, even when I got pregnant she wasn’t happy about it and said that it would be different if it was her other DIL. She invites her on holidays with them and is constantly posting pictures of them together. It does get to me because I’ve had her first grandson and I still don’t feel like a part of the family at all.

She recently got angry with me because I wasn’t comfortable with my partner’s brother seeing my baby because he was travelling from the other side of the country. I’ve agreed to a social distance meet now but I felt really pressured into it, I’ve been really cautious with my baby and it took 6 weeks for us to even feel comfortable enough for him to meet his isolating grandparents.

Every time I tried to tell her I was feeling uncomfortable she would shut me down and start patronising me. I ended up just letting everything building up out. Said how she was making me feel like a poor parent, that I’m constantly being criticised and told I’m doing thing wrong, and that I feel really pushed out of the family. She ignored my message and hasn’t spoken to me in a few days now, but has been messaging my partner about how she’s now scared I won’t let her see our baby, and how it’s all really unfair. This would never be the case.

I’m struggling anyway and wish I hadn’t said anything but I was getting really upset. Now I’m not sure how to fix it. Do I message her, or just leave it?

My DP just told me that he had spoken to her on the phone earlier and suggested we come over to talk, and she said he could come over but she won’t see me. Definitely won’t be contacting her

Leave her to it. Let your partner deal with it, he has your back, she may realise she is not going to get away with her behaviour

Congratulations on your little boy. I bet he’s gorgeous.

You always have to stand up for yourself against bullies and in this case, telling her how she made you feel was a great first step. Now you need to follow through and ignore her for a bit. Even when she eventually gets in touch, ignore and let her worry that you’re going to stop contact with her grandson. It’s the equivalent of the naughty step for bullying adults.

She isn’t entitled to a relationship with her grandson, especially whilst she treats you so appallingly. Until she genuinely accepts that she’s behaved badly and apologises and puts in lots of effort to improve her relationship with you, she doesn’t get to see her grandson.

The law is on your side so it doesn’t matter if her lawyers cost a million pounds an hour, it won’t make any difference.

Focus on building your relationship with your little baby and your DP. My DS has no grandparents because they’re all dead, and he’s perfectly well adjusted.

I say all this to you as a MIL and a parent. Youngest DS is 10 and our grandson is 7.

What did your DP say to that?
She's making it easy for you really, there's no subtlety, just out and proud nastiness.
Your DP should now stop trying to fix it, the three of you talking isn't going to stop her dislike of you and it's just exposing you to more stress. There's no meeting in the middle as you are the innocent party.

My mother in law is vile. Literally MIL from hell. I have not spoke to her for 4 years and my life is better because of it, she was just full of drama! I don't think you need to fix anything she sounds horrid!

I've had a very up and down relationship with my MIL over the years, so I deeply sympathise. Your DP needs to be in your corner. Ultimately if she's treating you this way and won't acknowledge you telling her how she makes you feel, then she perhaps shouldn't see her grandchild. You don't want them to grow up thinking that kind of toxicity is acceptable. She either needs to have a frank conversation with you about it (where you can both be honest and both openly listen to what the other one has to say), or she doesn't have any involvement with your life. I hope you get it sorted either way.

OP, please please take a stand against this woman. Don't let her away with any more of this, she is a bully. Your DP needs to tell her in the strongest possible terms that he is embarrassed and ashamed of her behaviour and that, going forward, should she so much as look at you the wrong way, that she will be cut out of your lives entirely. Protect yourself and your child from this vile woman, you deserve so much better OP

She sounds very manipulative and mean. I would stay well out of it as much as you can until she can treat you with respect. You deserve respect and to be treated decently, like any human being!. If she cant do that then she will lose out. Be polite but firm. Do not accept bad behaviour.

so she has brilliant lawyers are you supposed to be worried about that ? as a grandparent she has no rights to see your child anyway. dp needs to sort her out not you and if he can't / won't then that would be a deal breaker for me personally.

Your DP needs to stand up to his mum. What she has been doing is not okay.

My MIL didn’t/doesn’t like me (devastated that his first marriage ended, we got together 12 months after they split). She tried to pull similar whit on me, DH basically told her to stop and any repeat and he’s out of her life. We have very little contact now and when we do she is civil.

Brilliant lawyers for what?

It’s not your job to facilitate a relationship between anyone in this situation. I would never see this awful woman again if I were you. You haven’t created this situation.

She can spend Christmas with her brilliant lawyers.

OK, OP.

Forget about anything to do with her having good lawyers, if you're in the UK. Family law and grandparents rights don't work like that.

It seems you've got your DP on side if he's spoken with her.

If she said she's scared of not seeing your DC, even if she was trying to manipulate your DP then that's probably a helpful sign.

Now you have an opportunity if you are able to front her up. This will be difficult because of personalities and your (hopefully temporary) MH issues. but here goes.

I suspect you won't ever have her like you and have the relationship she appears to have with your DSiL. Might be an idea to have some contact with the SiL as she might be struggling with your MIL as well.

So your goal won't be a fluffy MIL. It's a shame and you deserve one but if you try, you'll just give her the power to make you miserable. Your goal will be to stop her hurting you. You need to appear to be strong. That will be either to front her up every time she tries to take you to one side or does something you dislike. Not to pander to her. Have a relationship on your terms. If she tries to wave the golden SiL then just an enigmatic smile and gentle shake of the head, as if you don't care and you know what the SiL really thinks. You don't let anything slide. You don't avoid an argument. If anything, when she starts an argument then you escalate it so she is afraid of starting things or at least doesn't know how things will end if she does start. All contact with DC is on your terms. No alone time with the DC until you're sure she won't try and poison them. If that doesn't work then NC and leave all contact to your DP. I know if you are nice then it will be difficult but the alternative will cause you ongoing hurt. Try to imagine it as playing a part in a play, the part of a hard faced woman whose MIL would regret messing with

Good luck.

What's she going to do - sue you for being in the right?

I'd guess she's used to bullying people to get what she wants. And, I bet, when that doesn't work, she'll try tears and emotional blackmail. So she's 'mentioned' the lawyers to try to scare you, and if your DH goes round there it will be all tears and her weeping on his neck telling him how she adores your baby and you've got the wrong end of the stick and she just wants what's best...sob sob...

There's as much a script for people like this as there is for cheating partners. Don't go round, don't see her, don't apologise or try to make it up to her - you have the baby so you hold all the cards. It's your way or the highway!

Leave it - don't contact her. The more you give, the more she'll take. Your DP is standing up for you and that's good. My MIL behaved like this - I ignored/let it go for years and DH didn't stand up to her. In the end I had to have a very full on row with my MIL and a frank talk with DH which meant that she backed off. I wish I hadn't let her bad behaviour go unchecked in the first place - should have stood up for myself.

Mu mil was lile this untill i finally grew some balls amd told her what i think. She didnt speak to me for about a year now she is nice to me. But i always think its false. Do not appologise it will only enforce her belief that your the one in the wrong

By the sounds of it you were only together a matter of months before you got pregnant so that could be something to do with it.

Don’t back down

Ok, so I suspect that for whatever reason this woman is threatened or envious of you. It might be difficult for you to consider this, because you're not feeling too confident about yourself at the moment. We are pack animals it is instinct that we want to be a part of the pack....but there is only room for 1 alpha....and you are it. You have a beautiful baby and a wonderful partner...life is too short to offer this woman anything more than your sympathy. Be the better person, nod and smile and do whatever you need to do to keep the peace....if that is what you want to do. X do you have a good relationship with your mum? Can she help you through this?

Talk to your dp. I would personally say until she can treat me better I do not want her around me or our child with her negative attitude as it could affect your mental health. If he stands by you on this tell her if she can be civil she is welcome to see your child but one negative comment or but of criticism about you as a mother she is out on her ear.

I forgot to add that you've nothing to apologise for, OP, so don;t as that will be a sign of weakness. Don't think of the silent treatment as a bad thing, rather every silent day as a day of joy.

Good luck.

She sounds seriously over the top. I mean, who pulls someone aside to give them a lecture? She must know you've been unwell.

There's something seriously wrong with the woman and you would be better off avoiding her as far as possible.

I agree with others that your partner should step in.

YOU owe her nothing... by pandering to her tantrums you give her tantrums credence .. so step back and enjoy your baby.. and ignore the bully..

Is your DP dancing to her tune and going over?

I’m not sure what my DP is doing. He said he wholeheartedly agrees with me and is going to call her tomorrow to say she should apologise.

Oh, and she also talks to her own mother extensively about my mental health issues, and at my baby shower questioned my mum on how they affect me. I’m unwell, yes, but I’m not unstable. I’m a good mum, I’m just struggling with postnatal OCD/anxiety. I also have diagnosed bipolar disorder but I have been on meds for it for 5 years and have not had a single manic/depressive episode since. However, her other DIL has anxiety and she feels awful for her and is very supportive.

She sounds horrendous. Thank goodness your DP is in your corner. Low to no contact is the way forward. I would also limit her contact with your baby. A baby does not need a Grandmother who bad mouths his parent.