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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fallen out with MIL

137 replies

WhatOnEarth67 · 19/07/2020 18:32

Fallen out with my MIL and not sure what to do to fix it!

She hasn’t liked me since me and my partner got together. We had a baby back in April and ever since all I have got is criticism, what a good dad my partner is, how lucky I am to have him. I’m on mental health medication for postpartum mental health issues and she said I needed to sort that out because ‘how would I possibly cope without my partner’. She’s made so many comments and even pulled me to one side while my partner wasn’t in the room and gave me a lecture. I try to just let it slide to avoid an argument. She absolutely loves her other son’s daughter, constantly gushing about her, even when I got pregnant she wasn’t happy about it and said that it would be different if it was her other DIL. She invites her on holidays with them and is constantly posting pictures of them together. It does get to me because I’ve had her first grandson and I still don’t feel like a part of the family at all.

She recently got angry with me because I wasn’t comfortable with my partner’s brother seeing my baby because he was travelling from the other side of the country. I’ve agreed to a social distance meet now but I felt really pressured into it, I’ve been really cautious with my baby and it took 6 weeks for us to even feel comfortable enough for him to meet his isolating grandparents.

Every time I tried to tell her I was feeling uncomfortable she would shut me down and start patronising me. I ended up just letting everything building up out. Said how she was making me feel like a poor parent, that I’m constantly being criticised and told I’m doing thing wrong, and that I feel really pushed out of the family. She ignored my message and hasn’t spoken to me in a few days now, but has been messaging my partner about how she’s now scared I won’t let her see our baby, and how it’s all really unfair. This would never be the case.

I’m struggling anyway and wish I hadn’t said anything but I was getting really upset. Now I’m not sure how to fix it. Do I message her, or just leave it?

OP posts:
Mo81 · 21/07/2020 06:06

Op jist try and have as little as possible to do with her shes reacting like this because shes been caught out being nasty so now wants to look like shes the victim. My own mil was like this for years. Take xare of yourself and your family your doing well.

justilou1 · 21/07/2020 07:00

How DARE she discuss your mental health with your mother!?!?!?! (Actually, your mother should have shut that down right away also!!!!) This woman does not deserve any respect. You deserve privacy and have the legal right to expect it. I think you can send a solicitor’s letter to her outlining that threatening and intimidating you, criticizing your parenting decisions and discussing your physical and mental health are unacceptable and unwelcome, and will be considered harassment from now on.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 21/07/2020 08:37

Time to move on, this woman is not your friend. She does not understand your mental health issues and doesn't care that she is adding stress and anxiety to you when you are trying to stay well. She is not someone you need around you. Focus on your baby and stay away from this woman

Weenurse · 21/07/2020 08:49

Just let DP deal with her.
Good excuse not to go there for family holidays and do things with your family. She will arc up at this as well

LannieDuck · 21/07/2020 09:03

Ignore her. I'm sorry for your DH, and you should support him through this because it must be rough. But it's not your fault. This wasn't your choice, and it wasn't your doing. It was hers.

I know DH isn't blaming you for this, which is good. Don't blame yourself for it.

DartmoorDoughnut · 21/07/2020 09:35

Please be kind to yourself. Having a baby is bloody hard, let alone doing it with other health issues. As another poster said you’re a sodding rock star.

MIL can get to fuck. Obvs it’s up to your partner what sort of relationship he has with his parents but I would not let that toxic bitch her near your DS. Also I would make it a condition that he cannot discuss you/your health with her at all. She’ll twist whatever information into her narrative.

Maybe try finding the toxic parents/ILs threads, I think there is a book recommended a lot on there and grey rocking etc sorry I can’t remember exactly but I know they have a lot of knowledgeable people, I’ll go and find a link Flowers

HappydaysArehere · 21/07/2020 10:03

You did absolutely right by letting her know how you feel. She is a bully and bullies can’t take it when stood up to. She has got in the habit of treating you in this disgusting manner and in the end it’s her loss as she could have had a good relationship with you as you sound lovely. Meanwhile, don’t contact her unless she apologises for the hurt she has imposed. Just tell dh that you are not up to confrontation and can’t take any more insults so he will have to deal with the situation. As for the baby not seeing so much of this nutcase then that’s a benefit.

HappydaysArehere · 21/07/2020 10:20

Ps to above post. How does your Dh’s dad react when she talks to you like that? Sounds as if he should put a brake on her. If he is okay you could always direct all your attention to him in communications and completely ignore her. She would hate that as she is a controller.

Merryoldgoat · 21/07/2020 10:33

Said they thought it was ‘nuts’ that I was sleeping until 12 with a baby

I didn’t take the drugs you have/had to and all my family and PIL said to me was ‘are you sleeping enough’ and would’ve cheered if I was in bed with the baby.

Nasty poisonous people. You’re well rid.

Original poster
WhatOnEarth67 · 21/07/2020 12:36

Thanks everyone. I’m feeling shit today. Received another message this time telling me I am controlling my DP and what he says and thinks, that she has a real bond with her other DIL and other DIL has a lovely relationship with her son, and that that’s ‘all she wants’ for her sons. ‘I felt you were controlling him and now you are again. I have known X for a long time now and have a real bond with her. She has a lovely relationship with x and that is all I want for my sons. I feel (DP) is being told what to think and say. I never intended to interfere with how you raise DS. I just want what’s best for him and give you advice as an experienced mother who has raised three children. I’ve never known a new mother not use a bib when feeding, not get into a nightly routine of putting a baby in its cot and sleep so much herself. I was only voicing my concerns but if you don’t want my advice I respect that.’

Side note - My DS is 14 weeks old and he will sleep on the sofa cuddled with me until around 11/12pm when we go to bed. Sometimes he’s in his crib earlier but I was told I would never have children and spending the evening cuddled up with him is amazing. Obviously it won’t be forever but right now it’s what we like to do. He also sleeps through the night and has no issues. I didn’t like to use a bib on him at first because he kept pushing it up and getting it stuck on his face and couldn’t move it off. Now he’s a bit older we do use a bib on him. Again in regards to the sleeping, I now wake early with him as I have come off of that medication.

OP posts:
MingeofDeath · 21/07/2020 12:44

What did your DP say about the conversation with MIL?

DartmoorDoughnut · 21/07/2020 12:46

@WhatOnEarth67 seriously block her the only thing that’ll come from her contacting you is feeling shitty and arguments.

She appears to be a classic narcissistic bitch although it seems you’re the scapegoat and other DIL is the golden child.

She raised her children decades ago, fuck me the advice changed between DS1 and DS2 and there’s only two years between them!

Go get some help in the Relationships board from people who actually know what they’re talking about but honestly you’ve got this, ignore her listen to yourself and your HV/baby group

Original poster
WhatOnEarth67 · 21/07/2020 12:50

@MingeofDeath (nice name, haha!) he agrees with me and feels shes in the wrong. But it doesn’t matter what he says, she will continuously believe it is because I have forced him to say that.

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 21/07/2020 12:58

Don’t engage with her anymore. It’s really exhausting dealing with someone like that and you’ll get nowhere.
Don’t explain yourself anymore because you don’t need to and she doesn’t care what you have to say anyway.

It’s not a nice situation to be in but every interaction while you’re trying to make peace will make you feel worse. Just leave her to it.

LagunaBubbles · 21/07/2020 12:59

has told her it’s not okay to talk to me like that and he won’t be having it

But he is "having it." Whilst I appreciate it will be difficult for him, him telling her not to treat you this way simply isn't working as she's not listening.

Motoko · 21/07/2020 12:59

Why haven't you blocked her yet? You need to do that immediately. Don't give her ways to contact you, she will never see herself as anything other than the victim here. She can't believe her son is doing this off his own back, because she believes she's done nothing wrong, so she tells herself you must be manipulating him.

Stop her from being able to continue to berate you.

Playmysong · 21/07/2020 13:10

Well done for your dp sticking up for you. It will be hard for him, as it is his family, but he has shown that you and ds are the most important people in this conflict. I would ignore any attempts by your mil, to contact you in the next few months, as you know that if she did apologise it would be meaningless.

Perhaps somewhere down the line she will realise what she is missing and try to make amends, but it will then be up to you and your dp to decide if you want to give her another chance.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 21/07/2020 13:41

Block her. She sounds like my MIL who couldnt believe that her adult DS would put his foot and somehow I had this ability to 'control' him. I was blamed for everything which I found quite amusing as she must think I am a strong woman to be able to exert so much control over a fellow adult.

Whenwillow · 21/07/2020 13:47

I've just read latest update. She's truly awful!
Next up the silly old bat will be posting in parents of adult children wondering why her son and daughter in law won't talk to her.
I'm speaking as a mother in law myself too. I would never behave like that. Asking if there is anything I can do do help-yes.
Interfering - no!
Big hugs and Flowers for you

BumbleBeee69 · 21/07/2020 14:25

You have a Block button.. use it... Flowers

lufcaregoingup · 21/07/2020 14:34

Block her on everything social media and her phone number. Don't engage or be around her at all anymore. In future when it comes to celebrations have separate ones from her. If anyone gives you grief about it block them aswell.

CodexDevinchi · 21/07/2020 14:41

This is a blessing in disguise

Fuck her. Even in her text she is still trying to manipulate the situation.

This is where you block her and tell your dh that she is not allowed to the house - ever. If he wants to see her fine - he can do that out of the house.

MingeofDeath · 21/07/2020 15:05

Oh well, it's a shame that it has come to this but that's life. Block and ignore and concentrate on your little family. If DH wants to see her then he will have to visit her, don't let her darken your door. Good luck x

Alwaysinpain · 21/07/2020 15:09

@pinkyredrose

It's not your Mil it's your DP.
Totally unnecessary comment! OP & her DP have a child together, so she's as good as her MIL.

Don't be so pedantic!!! Hmm

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