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Original poster

Fallen out with MIL

137 replies

WhatOnEarth67 · 19/07/2020 18:32

Fallen out with my MIL and not sure what to do to fix it!

She hasn’t liked me since me and my partner got together. We had a baby back in April and ever since all I have got is criticism, what a good dad my partner is, how lucky I am to have him. I’m on mental health medication for postpartum mental health issues and she said I needed to sort that out because ‘how would I possibly cope without my partner’. She’s made so many comments and even pulled me to one side while my partner wasn’t in the room and gave me a lecture. I try to just let it slide to avoid an argument. She absolutely loves her other son’s daughter, constantly gushing about her, even when I got pregnant she wasn’t happy about it and said that it would be different if it was her other DIL. She invites her on holidays with them and is constantly posting pictures of them together. It does get to me because I’ve had her first grandson and I still don’t feel like a part of the family at all.

She recently got angry with me because I wasn’t comfortable with my partner’s brother seeing my baby because he was travelling from the other side of the country. I’ve agreed to a social distance meet now but I felt really pressured into it, I’ve been really cautious with my baby and it took 6 weeks for us to even feel comfortable enough for him to meet his isolating grandparents.

Every time I tried to tell her I was feeling uncomfortable she would shut me down and start patronising me. I ended up just letting everything building up out. Said how she was making me feel like a poor parent, that I’m constantly being criticised and told I’m doing thing wrong, and that I feel really pushed out of the family. She ignored my message and hasn’t spoken to me in a few days now, but has been messaging my partner about how she’s now scared I won’t let her see our baby, and how it’s all really unfair. This would never be the case.

I’m struggling anyway and wish I hadn’t said anything but I was getting really upset. Now I’m not sure how to fix it. Do I message her, or just leave it?

OP posts:
HisNibs · 19/07/2020 20:40

Good that DP appears to be standing up for you. Now he needs to finish the job and tell her where to go.

As others have said, if you're in the UK it doesn't matter how good the lawyers are, she has no chance. She would have to prove a primary care position over an extended period to even have a chance of applying to take you to court. Your baby is far, far too young for that to be a consideration.

It's just a shame she's started like this as it means it's very unlikely you'll ever be on friendly terms. I suppose civil is the best to hope for here. You have nothing to apologise for. Can you fix it? There's nothing for you to fix - she's the one with a problem.

Feedingthebirds1 · 19/07/2020 21:08

but has been messaging my partner about how she’s now scared I won’t let her see our baby,

The only possible answer to that is 'tough'. Get your crystal ball out OP - what do you think she's going to be like towards your DC when the the golden DiL gives birth? She won't want to know, it will all be the other grandchild. Don't expose them to that, it wouldn't be fair. I know there's a thought that children should have grandparents in their lives, but not when it is likely to do them more harm than good.

Let DP deal with her, he's got your back and sounds capable of telling her that she changes her tune or she won't see the baby.

And as PPs have said - expensive lawyers don't and can't trump the fact that you're the baby's mother. She would have absolutely no chance of succeeding at either demanding that she be allowed to see him/her, or to take him/her away from you.

Survivingchipandkippee · 19/07/2020 21:12

You need to start as you mean to go on. Don’t back down as she will think it’s ok to speak to you like that. Your child will also witness her speaking to you like this and think it’s ok.

forrestgreen · 19/07/2020 21:14

Tell dp not to share any medical info about you. It'll 9nly be used against you.

Didkdt · 19/07/2020 21:19

Stand your ground shell either sort herself out or she won't be able to visit.
Your baby's feeling of security is knowing you are in control and in charge of keeping him safe, if he senses someone else is more powerful it's scary, so stand your ground.

Iwonder08 · 19/07/2020 21:44

Be strogg, this woman is vile, you don't need to fix the relationship, she is not worthy of the effort. She has no right to see you baby whatsoever even with the most expensive lawyers in the world. It is very good your husband is supportive. It is probably for the best you let your steam out now, you won't have to deal with this horrible woman in future. Do tell your DH it is purely his decision how he builds his relationship with his mother, but you won't be treated like that from now on.
Congratulations on your lovely new baby, don't let the witch ruin these precious moments for you

Shizzlestix · 19/07/2020 22:00

Your DP sounds supportive. I hope he tells her he isn’t coming over (except to give her a massive telling off) and she can dream if she wants to see the baby. You don’t need this negativity in your life.

yesyesdear · 19/07/2020 22:10

You need to distance yourself from this woman, OP. Your mental health is more important than catering to her demands. I’m sure she is the cause of some of your anxiety!!

back2good · 19/07/2020 22:16

She sounds toxic and vile.

Your DH needs to make it clear when he calls her that a mere apology won't be enough. Her behaviour needs to change or she won't be involved in your lives.

allthatmalarkey · 19/07/2020 22:22

She's a bully. The only thing that will work is standing your ground. There is nothing you could do to change who she is or how she will treat you if you give her the chance.

LouHotel · 19/07/2020 22:29

I had PNA and PND after my baby last year and I think you are a rockstar for working through it whilst we're in a lockdown. How very dare she question your mental health.

This women has no right to a relationship with a child when she shows the mother such disrespect. Dont entertain your DP taking the baby over to see her, she doesn't get to remove you as a family member to suit her narrative.

Topseyt · 19/07/2020 22:34

This woman is a bully.

She is worried that you might not let her see the baby! If I were in your shoes I would be making that worry a reality for her. You don't want to expose your child to her nastiness.

Her saying that she has expensive lawyers is an attempt to scare and dominate you. Ignore it. It is all just hot air. All of the most expensive lawyers in the world cannot change the fact that you are this baby's mother and named on the birth certificate, not your MIL.

Also, assuming that you are in the UK, grandparents have no legal rights regarding their grandchildren. If she wants to pay expensive lawyers to just tell her that then she will draw a blank.

Stop trying to facilitate any sort of relationship at all. Not for you and not for your child. She has no intention of making any effort for you.

Low contact or even no contact will likely be best.

BurtsBeesKnees · 19/07/2020 22:40

She sound vile op. I'd not be going back to see her, apology or not.

You need to go low, or no contact with her. If your dh wants her to have a relationship ship with your dc, then he can facilitate that. You don't need to see or speak to her. She may be wealthy and be able to afford hood solicitors, but what exactly does she think she's going to do? She has no parents rights on your dc.

EKGEMS · 19/07/2020 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EKGEMS · 19/07/2020 23:10

Yikes my phone went bonkers.! Well done OP for doing so very good with those MH challenges! You definitely should be proud of yourself and your baby and family! Cannot believe that vile woman said that to your mother at your shower (and all the rest after you gave birth!)

indemMUND · 19/07/2020 23:15

DH has to make it explicitly clear. As for dealing with her in person in future if she does back down, be prepared to lock horns and front it out. Neither of you can back down because that will only enable this behaviour.

pennysea · 19/07/2020 23:19

Your partner needs to stick up for you. You're the new mum and your health and feelings have to be the priority right now. If MIL wants to cause trouble she can do it in her own time. She needs to butt out until you feel better and are more comfortable with her.

footprintsintheslow · 20/07/2020 04:35

I feel enough has happened here that you can release yourself from any feelings of obligation towards her.
You haven't done anything wrong and you can have a clear conscience.

You are freeeeeee!
No contact between you from now on.

billybagpuss · 20/07/2020 05:23

It’s very simple, if she refuses to see you and be polite to you, she doesn’t get to see the baby, and let DP deal with her, it sounds like he had your back.

Ignore the ‘I’ve got great lawyers’ comments as you and DP sound strong together and she has no rights at all.

Evelefteden · 20/07/2020 09:22

This is the perfect time to take real umbrage at her behaviour. From here on in I’d actually tell your DP she is not welcome in your home again

caramac04 · 20/07/2020 09:30

She sounds awful. You don’t need her negativity and bossiness in your life. See how she’s playing the victim now? Worried you won’t let her see the baby, making out you’re the unreasonable one.
Your baby, your life, don’t pander to her.
If she continues ‘advising/criticising’ just take a deep breath and say ‘Well this is the way we, DC’s DF and I, have decided we are doing things’ and walk away.

magicfarawaytrees · 20/07/2020 10:17

Why do you need to have anything to do with her? She's not your family. It's not nice to feel disliked for unfair reasons but that's her issue- not yours. Block her on all social media, block her number and hide your SIL's social media so you don't have to see photos. You've said why she's upset you, she hasn't even had the respect for you to address it, just muttered about how she'll see the baby less. Good- if she can't give basic respect to the person who is bringing him up then that's how it is.

I may be well off the mark here but you have mentioned her wealth- she's not loaning or gifting money to you as a couple is she? If so then you don't accept this anymore and pay back anything she's given. Either way you need to disengage completely, shut down all communication opportunities and let your husband deal with her.

SummerWhisper · 20/07/2020 10:42

Any conversation with her about her insane behaviour towards you is pointless unless there are consequences. Those consequences will have to be agreed by both you and DP in advance of the conversation. Consequences equate to really, really firm and non-negotiable action. They are not wishy-washy, open to interpretation threats. The best consequence for you is no contact. Build a great relationship with your own mother in her role as grandmother to your beautiful baby. That will really piss off the crank MIL.

LannieDuck · 20/07/2020 11:07

Just let all communication with her go via DP. No need to speak to her again - he can deal with her. Or not, as he chooses.

She wants to see her grandkids? That's for her to arrange with DP. You don't need to facilitate it or get involved in arrangements. She's not welcome at the house while you're there, and you won't go with DP if he/grandchild visits MIL. Leave it entirely up to him and MIL to sort out.

Original poster
WhatOnEarth67 · 21/07/2020 00:12

Update: DP called her tonight. She wouldn’t talk to him, passed the phone onto her husband. He said the way I had spoken to MIL was disrespectful and like she was a ‘mate’ and not a grandmother. Said she’s just worried about us. Said they thought it was ‘nuts’ that I was sleeping until 12 with a baby (note, we had gone to stay with them for a couple of days when I had just started olanzapine which is highly sedative. It was literally impossible for the first week and I quickly came off of it because I just couldn’t wake) and that my medication hadn’t been sorted before birth. Even though my issues started after birth. MIL finally got on the phone, DP tried to explain but every time she just said she was ‘trying to help’. I told her I felt she was undermining me massively, she started screaming down the phone saying ‘Who do you think you’re talking to, have some respect’ and hung up. Safe to say that relationship is well and truly over.

OP posts:
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