Fallen out with MIL

[WhatOnEarth67]

Fallen out with my MIL and not sure what to do to fix it!

She hasn’t liked me since me and my partner got together. We had a baby back in April and ever since all I have got is criticism, what a good dad my partner is, how lucky I am to have him. I’m on mental health medication for postpartum mental health issues and she said I needed to sort that out because ‘how would I possibly cope without my partner’. She’s made so many comments and even pulled me to one side while my partner wasn’t in the room and gave me a lecture. I try to just let it slide to avoid an argument. She absolutely loves her other son’s daughter, constantly gushing about her, even when I got pregnant she wasn’t happy about it and said that it would be different if it was her other DIL. She invites her on holidays with them and is constantly posting pictures of them together. It does get to me because I’ve had her first grandson and I still don’t feel like a part of the family at all.

She recently got angry with me because I wasn’t comfortable with my partner’s brother seeing my baby because he was travelling from the other side of the country. I’ve agreed to a social distance meet now but I felt really pressured into it, I’ve been really cautious with my baby and it took 6 weeks for us to even feel comfortable enough for him to meet his isolating grandparents.

Every time I tried to tell her I was feeling uncomfortable she would shut me down and start patronising me. I ended up just letting everything building up out. Said how she was making me feel like a poor parent, that I’m constantly being criticised and told I’m doing thing wrong, and that I feel really pushed out of the family. She ignored my message and hasn’t spoken to me in a few days now, but has been messaging my partner about how she’s now scared I won’t let her see our baby, and how it’s all really unfair. This would never be the case.

I’m struggling anyway and wish I hadn’t said anything but I was getting really upset. Now I’m not sure how to fix it. Do I message her, or just leave it?

It doesn't matter how expensive her lawyers are, she has no rights to her grandchild in law.

I'd seriously consider going low or no contact. At least until your mental health is on more of a steady footing. Let your DP deal with her.

Christ on a bike don't fix it. Let her stew and worry. You have some power now. Think of this argument as the start of your relationship. Any single time she criticises you shut her down. Do not let her build up again. You are an adult and you deserve respect.

I would leave it. And instead if you making all the effort to be part of her family. Let her make all the effort to be part of your family. With you and husband and baby.

She sounds stuck up and vile. I just wouldn't bother anymore. And if she truly loves her son and grandson she will prove it by making am effort with you

She ignored my message and hasn’t spoken to me in a few days now, but has been messaging my partner about how she’s now scared I won’t let her see our baby, and how it’s all really unfair. This would never be the case.

Well maybe it should be the case. Because her primary response to your very legitimate complaint about her treatment of you is to complain that is't not fair she cannot continue to treat you like crap AND see the baby.

fuck that.

have your DP tell her she will be asked to leave immediately each and every time she says something critical or nasty to you. You're both done with her shitty behaviour. And you won't be visiting her on her on turf until you're both confident her behaviour has changed, as in you are made to feel welcome and included in the family, else you will not be considering her family.

And I would also eliminate all contact for a few weeks, tell her you're fed up with her behaviour, and then explain to her very clearly the new ground rules when/if you're ready to let her try to civil.

OP it's simple, if she wants to have a relationship with her grandson then she plays nice with her grandson's mother. Otherwise she can fuck off. That's the line your partner should be taking with her. No ifs or buts, be nice or fuck off.

so what is she planning on doing with her brilliant lawyers?

I am a (brilliant of course) family lawyer and I have alot of experience of people trying to use me as a threat or an attack dog.

It generally means fuck all unless they are named on the birth certifcate or the parent in question is actively harming their child.

Your husband needs to grow a pair. If my mum treated my husband like that then I'd be livid.

My ILs never liked me. After a nothing "argument" they haven't spoken to us for 9/10 years. DH has been in touch a few times - always his instigation. We invited MIL and FIL to our silver wedding ages ago - even on the doorstep MIL told my neighbour I was a bitch and she was only there for her son. (Was my idea to invite them.) I tried.

Dh phoned his mum on his 60th birthday to see how they are - his mum tells him his dad died FOUR months ago. DH asks why they didn't let him know. She said she wasn't sure if he'd be interested. That's his mum, sister, brother, nephews, neices - none of them let him know his dad who lived less than 2 miles from us died in February. He's devastated but says he's not remotely surprised. Says he knows our kids were always treated as the second class grandchildren. It was only a discussion about primary schools with my sil that caused all this at dinner at our house.

Classic line from sil - her cousin asked dd1 about GCSEs - dd1 said she was disappointed with a B for Art after all that work and time. SIL to her daughter (in front of mine) - never mind, you can't be clever AND pretty. WTAF!! Some people are truly toxic. Or thick. And no I haven't name changed. Still angry on dd's behalf 10 years later. She was/is a sensitive soul and was affected. Daughter still pretty (with great degree, 2 prizes for Masters and just bought her first house with bf without help from us).

She could have the world's most brilliant lawyers but it would mean diddly squat.

Your partner sounds supportive and like he's dealing with this - so leave it to him. Don't message her, don't speak to her, don't engage in any way, shape or form. Leave it to him.

Just back off she doesn't deserve a relationship with you, can you imagine what your baby will overhear if she doesn't sort herself out.
No texts or calls from you, and I'd make myself unavailable for visits too.
She doesn't have the right to say whether your baby can see his uncle.
Your dp should have text "op and I are babies' parents and we will decide who can see him"

Your DP is on your side, so there's absolutely nothing that you need to do. Let him deal with her.

There were many many more incidents where I bit my tongue.

WhatOnEarth67

I tenner your other posts. Have you got anywhere you can stay for a few days? A few days thinking away from your DP might make things easier to figure out.

When people say you have a DP problem - they mean that your DP isn’t protecting you the way he should. That he is actually part of the problem. Hod brother sent a really shitty text about you and your DP hadn’t made him apologise. Come on girl wake up!

My mil was like this. The family used to laugh about it. In reality she was just a bully who every pandered too.

I took her shit for years. She ruined my pregnancy with dd2.

In the end I knew I couldn’t really rely on DH so I worked myself up and the next time she said something I went batshit. I also told dh I was leaving him and I’d already packed a bag. That was only time he realised I was fucking deadly serious.

Look he is not sticking up for you so you’ve got to stop being scared of upsetting people. These dickheads are bullying you. If you don’t stick up for yourself and your child who will?

Don’t fall for her BS about lawyers, let her try. Can you go and stay somewhere to get a clear head?

Your have done nothing wrong and she is treating you appallingly. Don’t try to apologise to her and pay absolutely zero attention to her lawyer threats, she has absolutely no rights over your child.

It is so sad reading that she is being so nasty towards the mother of her grandchild. You would think that if she loved her DGS so much she would be facilitating a good relationship with his mother and supporting you as you find your way, not trying to tear you down. As others have suggested, you shouldn’t rule out LC or even NC until she corrects her attitude

Let your DP deal with her. From what you have said, he's doing an excellent job of defending you .

Stick to your guns. Nothing you said was untrue and if you back down now, you'll have her shitting on you for life.

She might just learn to treat you civilly if you and your partner show a united front and stay strong. You need to have good boundaries with her and not put up with her nastiness.

Stay the course. SHE needs to learn some basic manners. Let your DP talk to her. Don't message her she needs to apologise, sort her head out and up her game. No amount of money nor a lawyer is going to fix this for her. SHE needs to accept that you are who your son has chosen and has a child with. If she carries on then she's right, she won't see any of you. But it will entirely be because she drove you all away.

Block her on your phone. She doesn’t need to contact you as she obviously doesn’t like you. All contact can go through your DP.

As she has made a point of mentioning lawyers I would ensure she has fuck all of a relationship with your DS going forward.

As the saying goes “play shitty games, win shitty prizes” in this case she gets no contact with her grandson if she can’t play nice with his mother.

She is trying to get you DH to tell,her that she will always be able to see your DC, however badly she treats you. Once he's reassured her that he never allow you to keep them apart, her awful treatment of you will escalate.

Your DH needs to make it very clear that she will only spend time with your family if she behaves pleasantly and politely. Whenever she is rude, unpleasant, passive aggressive, snidey , etc, she needs to find that the visit ends immediately and she doesn't see any of you for some time. If you decide, as a couple, that contact should start against, you DH needs to tell her that the same rules apply still.

It's great that you've got your DP on side and that he seems to be sticking up for you. I would just focus on your baby and your DP, building your nest together. Try to make your relationship so strong that it's impermeable to any threats like your MIL. Don't worry about her, because then you become part of the issue, whereas at the moment it just sounds like she is a mean old cow and your DP is recognising that. If he brings up the topic listen, but be ready to change the subject to say "let's talk about something nice". Block her from your head and minimise her importance in your relationship. She is creating a drama to get attention, so rise above it.

Sorry OP but there's absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix it, nothing at all, she's just a controlling bitch, end of. Please tell your DH about it and then do not be in a room with her alone ever again.

even when I got pregnant she wasn’t happy about it and said that it would be different if it was her other DIL

This leapt out at me. What a manipulative, nasty bitch. Your son deserves better so I’d be seriously limiting contact, if not stopping it all together. He doesn’t need to be made to feel second best and he doesn’t need to see his mother being emotionally abused by his grandmother.

You have nothing to fix. Its good she is panicking and so she should be. Do not engage with her, your DP needs to be clear that he has your back and tell his mum that too.

Stop trying. It's not you, it's her. It is spoiling this precious time for you and probably not helping your mental health.
Tell your DH you are grateful he has had your back and that from now on you won't be engaging with her although he can see her as much as he wants. Don't see her alone, ask your DH to never leave you alone. If you want to engage with wider family go along and treat her with the minimum of civility.
If she dares to question you over her lack of contact/ the change in you, tell her it's only the result of her being such a bitch to you; you've gathered she doesn't like you and it is reciprocated.

What an awful woman.

Close the door on this Clown.... do not over think this... keep her away..
you will feel instantly better OP... Congratulations on your new baby