To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

[SummerRoseGardens]

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

Surely he wants his baby to get the best possible nutrition. That's really all there is to it. There'll be lots for him to do if you do breastfeed and remember it's your decision what you do with your own body.

Are you a man @Pineapple1**

I think there is a couple on here tbh

You’re totally right, breastfeeding is so much better for both you and the baby and though he might be keen at this point, he may be less keen to wake up when baby is actually here! My DH was very supportive in general but didn’t even hear either baby crying so didn’t wake up

He should not be dictating to you and would be better off supporting your (correct) choices. If you do choose to add in a bottle feed here and there, he can be involved that way. Dressing, cuddling, nappy changing, reading to, baths, walks in sling or pram and of course playing are all ways he can be involved.

@HappySonHappyMum

You all seem to be thinking that it's the mothers choice. I actually think it's the babies! My DD would not breastfeed - she hated being cuddled to sleep or held close when feeding, the only thing that worked was propping her up and giving her a bottle. You may have all the best intentions to breastfeed in the world but it just might not happen as you want.

Not really the point of the thread tbh

Not saying your partner is like this, OP but I know of a few couples where the man has put his foot down over this.
In all instances, by the time their paternity leave was over they had stopped doing any night feeds... leaving it all to the mother anyway and at that point it’s too late to switch back to BF’ing!

FFS there is no reason to suggest it's anything other than well intentioned.

I found breastfeeding an absolute pain in the arse and I couldn't wait to stop. It's good that he wants to help and he can do so by winding and settling so you can just go back to sleep in the night or making sure you've got drinks, the remote etc. Second time round my DH always kept my toddler busy so I could feed in peace. It was very helpful and he still had plenty of cuddles with her.

He can change the nappies. If you want to breastfeed, do it. Nothing compares to it, it is best for both you and baby health wise there are a ton of other things he can be involved in but he can't breastfeed. And you wish to. So just do it.

Oh goodness, don't worry about him, just say you want to ebf because it is what you think is best for the baby. If he isn't controlling he won't have an issue.

If he really wants to formula feed he needs to justify why it would be better for the baby.

I think it is a bit odd to ask/suggest this tbh, I accept you say he's not controlling. But he will need to be able to.cope with being left out. He's going to get left out!

Unbelievably selfish of him. WHO recommends exclusive breastfeeding until six months and then breastfeeding and foods after that up until toddlerhood if you wish. Sets baby up for life with antibodies and good mental health because of the unique comfort. Why would he think he knows better? What gives him the right to deny your baby that start?

My DH had bath time as 'his thing' and I had breastfeeding as mine. Obviously we both had to be flexible when work commitments interfered but this was our general rule.
We were both very happy with this arrangement.

There are so many other things he can do. Night feeding night sound warm and romantic but it really isn’t.

Don’t feel pressured to express either: you need to get your supply up by breastfeeding.

I feel very annoyed that he feels he has a say in this!

Also as you have already guessed and PPs mentioned, it’s not always easy to express at the right time if you’re breastfeeding on demand as well. Sometimes you just need to sleep! You probably won’t be able to express much straight after a feed and you definitely don’t want to express too close before a feed otherwise you might not have enough for both straight away. In the early weeks and months when baby is feeding every couple of hours there’s often no good expressing window. I sometimes found first thing in the morning was okay. But really expressing for me and many mums is more something you do later when you’re away all day at work but still feeding in the evenings and mornings.

If you do decide to partly bottle feed, whether expressed or fomula, do for goodness’ sake get the baby used to it from the word go. They are unlikely to take kindly to it if you don’t.

@HappySonHappyMum

You all seem to be thinking that it's the mothers choice. I actually think it's the babies! My DD would not breastfeed - she hated being cuddled to sleep or held close when feeding, the only thing that worked was propping her up and giving her a bottle. You may have all the best intentions to breastfeed in the world but it just might not happen as you want.

Well until the baby can operate a bra and clanber up, they can't choose to bf without the mom. They can't operate a pump so they can't choose to pump and bottle and theyre too little to reach the kettle/perfect prep so no. They're hardly making a choice are they

It’s good that you’re discussing these things and that he’s really wanting to be involved from the go. Breastfeeding takes serious dedication, in terms of time (Some babies take literally hours to feed) and determination to get through painful times and potential mastitis, you get tie and a whole host of other stumbling blocks that you will face. He could get involved by making you meals, including lunch meals for when he may be out the house, and supporting you in other ways like taking the baby out for walks between feeds so you can get ‘hands free’ time. On top of that there’s nappies, laundry, burping, cuddles, etc. Plus after breastfeeding is established, you may end up combination feeding. Or, you may find that for one reason or another you’re not able, or don’t want, to breastfeed and it’s not an issue.

He should take the lead from you though, it’s your choice. But there are so many things he can help with with a newborn that he may not have thought of yet.

@Pineapple1

You are parents. You are Both the child's parents. You Thefore have an equal say in what happens.

If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum.

The biological norm is breastfeeding. It's a child's birthright to be breastfed. So it isn't about parental choice; that's just the default (and for most of history, the only option).

And it's mainstream advice that only one person feeds the baby anyway, even if they are artificially fed.

You're being ridiculous implying that the only use of a father is to share feeding the baby.

Men don’t have to feed a baby to bond with them.
You can do the night feeds and he can do the night nappy changes etc.
What happens if he loses interest in the night feeds and you end up bottle feeding because he didn’t want you to breast feed?! It’s much easier to bf at night instead of making a bottle.

You’re incorrect. One of the advantages of formula is that the mother, father, grandparents, extended family and friends can help with the feeding. And it’s called formula not artificial feeding.

Well, I don’t really want grandparents and friends feeding my baby, to be honest! I want her breast fed.

My DH was very vocal in wanting me to breastfeed

Luckily I wanted to too as in my opinion he has no say in it what so ever

One of the advantages of formula is that the mother, father, grandparents, extended family and friends can help with the feeding

Advantage for whom? Because it sure as hell isnt the baby’s... neither is it the mother’s in this instance as OP WANTS to breastfeed

Breast is best and all that! He can help in other ways
You can also express although I must say I really struggled with that and my baby wouldn't take a bottle anyway so that didn't work for me!
Can you maybe talk about other ways he can help? That would make him feel more involved!
Like can he not do bathtime or let you nap during the day when u have had a rough night?
Not everyone can breast feed also so you might end up having to use a bottle but if u can breast feed you should maybe tell him to read up a bit on it first before he asks u to use formula

If anything DH gets more sleep so is better placed to help out with eveything else

He does nappies
Cooks dinner
Keeps the house clean
Does all the washing
Takes other D.C. to park
Runs me baths

DH is definitely bonding with this baby just fine

Grandparents don’t need to feed to bond too

Both sets of grandparents have had lots of cuddles and alone time.

They have taken baby for me for a few hours whilst I nap in the afternoon sometimes

I’d much rather breastfeed and get out of doing all the boring jobs

I’ve also noticed baby cries a lot less as she can be fed as soon as she’s hungry rather than waiting for bottle to be made up

(Just comparing my experience with bottle def DC1)

One of the advantages of formula is that the mother, father, grandparents, extended family and friends can help with the feeding.

That can be an advantage, yes. It can also be a disadvantage, with a bad case of ''pass the baby', which can quite considerably stress and distress both baby and mother.

The solution surely is to express. You can share the night feeds baby still gets the best of both worlds and you can see how much baby is taking so you know if getting enough. If you breast feed when it's convenient but use expressed milk a couple times a day it may also make the transition easier if you later decide it is not for you.