To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

[SummerRoseGardens]

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

This was something that came up in a hypothetical 'if we have babies' convo with an ex. He said he wouldnt want me to breastfeed as his ex didnt when he had his dd, and he enjoyed doing all the night feeds.

It seemed a nice reason at the time, but he wasn't happy when i said i would breastfeed if possible.

A slow build up of this and lots of other 'minor' controlling behaviours is what made him an ex.

How did he take it when you told him why you wanted to BF, and explained the reasons why? Any reluctance to appreciate your side of things would make me wary tbh. If he was truly naive to it then he must still understand that he needs to support you through these stages to create the best workable situation.

@Pineapple1

Wow... Some people seem to think its all about them as the mother.

No surprise though... Selfish sods.

Dont come crying to mums net when the husband wants to do something he wants to do and you say no... Yet he does it anyway.

When it comes to growing and nourishing your baby, the mother gets to override.

Tell him to F off.

How dare any man say this when women have been biologically created to fulfill this and should be allowed to as and how they choose. Fuck that.

Also bottles are drama. If you agree to express milk for him to feed make sure he washes and sterilises all the bottles. Twat.

It's your decision. Your DH will soon realise that he can help with lots of other things.

That said I don't think it's fair that your DH is being painted as controlling on here. We didn't know anyone who has breastfeed, both our families were "grossed out" by it so we knew nothing about it until #2 came along. My DH was also concerned about helping out with feeds and stuff, he really enjoyed bottle feeding #1 in the night as it was peaceful and just the two of them. We figured it out so that he did bath time and a walk every evening after work which gave me some peace - he also wore her in the sling when he was doing housework which she loved so they still got that bonding time.

It's natural for a Dad to be worried about missing out I think.

Blessed Be the Fruit @Pineapple1

@Pineapple1

You are parents. You are Both the child's parents. You Thefore have an equal say in what happens.

If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum.

Are you a man @Pineapple1

I'm a fairly new dad, 7 months.

We don't really get a say on this which is fair.
As it turns out ours wasn't exclusively breast fed so I do lots of night stuff.

There's plenty of other things to get involved with though, plenty!

I would wonder if this is about feeding and more about your breasts being a sexual thing for him rather than a milk producing baby feeding machine.

This /\ ...I thought the same..that he may want your body to be ''his'' rather than used for feeding a baby...

BF is great... much less hassle than bottles and of course free!
Decision is up to you, of course.

I was advised by a midwife that BF is ''harder work'' for a baby at the beginning than bottle feeding {DS was twatted with Pethidine and very sleepy so found it hard to feed for the first few hours...}
Midwife said ''don't go with bottles if you want too establish BF.

Good luck 👍

Surprised at how many of you don’t seem able to discuss and come to a mutual agreement with your DH. Seems to be so much conflict.

DH and I discussed that ff would work best and BOTH agreed on what we would do.

Nope, not really. There are lots of ways he could help with nighttime feeds - changing, settling between feeds, staying up at night with them while you sleep, getting up in the morning.

I've ff one and bf one and the bf one was by far easier than the ff one. With the one who was ff, we both had to be awake at every feed - because one of us had to deal with her while the other made the bottle or warmed it up. With the one who was bf, all I had to do was wake up and feed. Dh could take care of all the other things that needed doing so I could focus on that. He would wear both of them (even ff one) in a sling and wander around the house at all hours to keep them sleeping while I got a straight 2-3 hours of sleep. He could get up at 6am and give me an extra hour or two of sleep before he went to work. He did some of the nappy changing, get me snacks and drinks, etc.

The difference between the two of them wasn't that dh could do more night feeds with the one who was ff (mostly she still preferred to be settled by me, so didn't gain me much sleep), it was that when he was at work, I wasn't so exhausted by all the packing up things to go out, washing and sterilising, making up bottles. My bf one was way easier. The reality is that you'll be the one home doing the most feeding (and also realistically up at night unless your dh is amazing and super keen to share everything equally - the reality is that most men realise it's easier just to leave it to their partners and claim they need to get their sleep because of 'work' after the thrill has worn off). Do what you want.

As far as we were concerned, what was paramount in our parenting decisions was not our wants, or 'rights' as parents, but what was in our baby's best interests.

It was in our baby's best interests that I breastfed, so that was the default position.

DH was very included, okay, he couldn't feed her (couldn't persuade either of them to regard a bottle as anything other than the work of the devil, stubborn little besoms that they were), however, he got up, he got me a drink, he changed them, he burped them, and settled them back to sleep. They were magical times, the three of us, cocooned in the night, quietly murmuring to each other.

Everything that didn't involve a boob, he could do. That's quite a bit of it, when you think about it.

No, but it's a good idea to (rent a decent) get a pump to express once feeding is established, he can then help and you can go out. He'll soon see the distinct advantage of breastfeeding, he gets off Scot free at night!

Are you sure it's not because he doesn't like the idea though? Some men can't get their head around their child feeding from what once they got to pay attention to! That said exh never questioned breastfeeding but admitted he was happy once I stopped (and got impatient for me to, I fed for over 18 months each)

No he does not get to choose, OP.
He will be able to provide you with plenty of support when your breastfeed though. DH made me food, drink etc and did pretty much everything else other than the feeds.

I honestly can’t believe there are people who think the father’s ego overrides the baby’s wellbeing.

Or that posters have such a low opinion of men that they think they’ll be spiteful and seek revenge if their partner doesn’t do what they want at all times.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum

ODFOD

Just express once a day. That way you can go to bed and get more than an hour and a half sleep at a stretch. It’s really not a big deal. In real terms, it means if you are sick, need a few hours to do something, etc, you know your dc will take a bottle.
Win win.
It’s really too early to be making definitive decisions. Just roll with it.

@SummerRoseGardens

Oh I’ll be breastfeeding her don’t worry eve

But really didn’t know what couples did when there was a differing opinion of this sort of nature. If I thought it was a control thing the relationship would be over. I don’t. I think it’s borne from good intentions.

It’s a new phenomenon where fathers now say ‘we’re pregnant’!

But really, I don’t like like it, it’s a clear sign that the mothers vital role to a new born baby is becoming less and less important. I seen a hideous picture on Twitter last night of a male ‘chest feeding’ a baby. Yes it was an actual man with plastic teats stuck on his chest.

It’s perfectly normal for a male to want to be involved but they do have to take a bit of a back seat in the early weeks.

It's nice that he wants to be involved in nightfeeds, but what he could do is do his fair share of nappy changing, etc. and bathing the baby. Bathing a baby is a wonderful experience and very good for bonding.

Absolutely not. Why do some people think that feeding is the only way to bond with a baby?! It’s madness.

Breastfeeding is totally your choice. In my personal experience it was lovely and I found expressing a total faff. Baby would guzzle the milk I had taken hours to express and then cry for boob because actually he wanted boob, not just milk. Breastfeeding is about comfort, connection to mum (which is physical - have a look at the 4th trimester) as well as hunger / thirst. Also, it’s not always so simple as “express and just skip a feed at night”. Your breasts adjust supply on demand and in fact the hormones produced at night are particularly important in that respect so you might have to wake up and pump while he was feeding the baby. Who would then probably want to go on the boob anyway...

Plus, a good friend of mine FF and her baby still preferred Mummy to do the feeding. He didn’t take a bottle as well from anyone else.

In terms of bonding there is so much time for that! His role is a bit different to yours in the early weeks and months but it will all change whether he has given a bottle or not! In the early days my DH was “in charge” of output and I was in charge of input So he changed all the nappies (when he was there and not at work) and he also did bath time. It was a special time for them. He also read stories, did tummy time, winding, singing, skin to skin and helping to settle baby after a feed. He woke up at night and paced the floors with the extractor fan on in the kitchen for white noise. He didn’t miss out because I breastfed! And he would bring me a cuppa and a biscuit when I was stuck under a cluster feeding baby all evening. When children are older I don’t think those who were breastfed have a worse bond with their dads do you?

Honestly, breastfeeding is great and you will need his support to do it! That’s a great way he can do something for his baby and there are a million ways to bond!!

Have a look at the Team Baby course on the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers website. It is totally free at the moment and it’s one you do together!

Good luck OP!

Top tip: express an additional feed a day and let your DP do the first night time feed so you can sleep through it.

But daft to formula feed just to let the dad have some extra cuddles - he can do this perfectly well without feeding the baby. He should put the child’s needs above his own: breast milk is better for the child than mixed feeding or formula.

@LouiseTrees Why should she have to do something to her body just because her partner wants her to? Seriously, after growing and birthing the baby why isn’t OP allowed to feed her child in the way that is easiest for her and baby?

OP your DP doesn’t sound controlling at all it just sounds like he hasn’t really thought properly about the practicalities (and reasonableness) of wanting to feed baby with bottles. Have you spoken more since creating the thread? It sounds like if you explained all the points people have come up with here he’d understand why he needs to support you breastfeeding

It's quite nice to give a baby you didn't grow in your own body a bottle. He was doubtless keen to do this, and if he could help OP by doing it at night sometimes, even better. (Probably would have preferred to do it during daylight hours, though!) That's likely all he meant. And he was a bit down to think that it might not happen.
This could be where our mother's generation get the 'giving food = giving love' thing, and if you reject the food, you are rejecting the love.

Hopefully OP will be having a chat with her DH.

Tell him that he should want what's best for the baby, not best for himself. That's parenthood.

You two are going to disagree on a lot of parenting issues - that's just how it goes. This one's easy as bf is clearly better for the child. Others won't be so clear. Best to sit down with him and.have a conversation. It's best if you and he can be on the same team.

You all seem to be thinking that it's the mothers choice. I actually think it's the babies! My DD would not breastfeed - she hated being cuddled to sleep or held close when feeding, the only thing that worked was propping her up and giving her a bottle. You may have all the best intentions to breastfeed in the world but it just might not happen as you want.