To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

[SummerRoseGardens]

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

She absolutely shouldn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do, there are lots of other activities dads can be involved in, but expressed milk is still breast milk and I was showing her there is an alternative to just putting a formula feed in but still using bottles. Perhaps he could do the night nappy before a feed?

I don't think that's on if EBF is working - why change it? Can he be in charge of bath times, just for now until you are both feeding and then you can both do bath times? You could have a break then for a bit of you time (unless you have other children obvs!)

I don’t want to express.

I had my post removed because I didn’t want to upset anybody and I was upset I had, but one of my friends did this and it looked horrific. She had an awful infection.

And I have two perfectly good nipples

@FortniteBoysMum

The solution surely is to express. You can share the night feeds baby still gets the best of both worlds and you can see how much baby is taking so you know if getting enough. If you breast feed when it's convenient but use expressed milk a couple times a day it may also make the transition easier if you later decide it is not for you.

No the solution is not to do that just so that dad can feed the baby

The solutions is to get dad to be involved in all the rest of the care that the baby needs. Expressing just so that dad can feed the baby is a ridiculous reason to express.

Other more knowledgeable people will be able to explain better than I can, but I understand that if a baby is breastfeeding, cutting out the middle man is better for mum and baby.

BTW I think it does sound as though he said it in a way of wanting to help you rather than trying to be in control.

I think there are some men who are so keen to be equal partners that they struggle with some aspects of pregnancy and infant care. They cannot be pregnant and they cannot breastfeed and so they feel like they aren't being their ideal of 50/50.

I think it's important to reassure him that 50/50 parenting doesn't mean doing half of every job. It's ok to leave feeding up to you and he can make up for it in other ways.

I've combi fed one child and EBF another. EBF is so much easier once established. I HATED combi feeding and in reality it was still me doing 90% of the feeds.

My husband who bonded just as well with both kids (as I write this he is upstairs entertaining them while I finish up jobs downstairs) he doesn't feel he missed out with our daughter because he couldn't feed her milk.

I think he did too time, I think he’s going to have to be educated. Sigh.

Not everyone can express. I was fine with breastfeeding but never express enough to satisfy my baby. It was also hard bloody work and time consuming. I didn’t want to introduce formula too soon either for a number of reasons. Fortunately my husband was self assured enough in himself to find other things to bond with the baby.

The solution surely is to express. You can share the night feeds baby still gets the best of both worlds you can see how much baby is taking so you know if getting enough. If you breast feed when it's convenient but use expressed milk a couple times a day it may also make the transition easier if you later decide

Breastfeeding doesn’t work like that. It’s a complex process and you can’t just pick and choose between expressing, breastfeeding and formula. Your body responds to a baby, and more than likely your supply will be compromised if you don’t just feed. Night feeds are when the hormone to stimulate milk production is released, skip them and your supply will drop.

The other thing is one of the major factors putting me off formula feeding aside from health benefits are lack of faff. I don’t want to be making up and sterilising bottles.

@FortniteBoysMum

The solution surely is to express. You can share the night feeds baby still gets the best of both worlds and you can see how much baby is taking so you know if getting enough. If you breast feed when it's convenient but use expressed milk a couple times a day it may also make the transition easier if you later decide it is not for you.

Why do you need to know what the baby is getting? If the baby is settled and gaining weight, it’s getting enough! To establish your supply and ensure your baby gets enough milk, you just have to breastfeed on demand for the first 6 or so weeks.

OP, it’s nice that he is thinking bonding with the baby but his mindset is all wrong. Expressing is a faff, my partners never given a bottle and he has an excellent bond with my son! Plus he loves the fact he can sleep through the night and I don’t begrudge him that at all as he works really hard. Each to their own but I really think you should stick to your guns on this one.

I wouldn't worry about it till the baby comes. For both of you.

Although you wish to exclusively breastfeed there are many things out of your control that may make this impossible (some women cannot produce any milk) etc. I lost a lot of blood when my first DC was born so my milk was delayed coming in. My baby would have died if we didn't use some formula or donated milk to get us through the initial stages. (We used formula but were aware donations were an option).

Or once DC is born and of exclusive breast feeding goes well your DH May have a change of mind - the reality of getting up in the night and having to faff making formula when a perfectly healthy supply of ready to go breast milk is there may be a game changer.

I think you both need to read up on breast feeding.

the reality of getting up in the night and having to faff making formula when a perfectly healthy supply of ready to go breast milk is there may be a game changer.

Absolutely this ^^

Assuming breast feits own container, it is the right temperature (and the cat can't get at it )

Why do I, end?

I expressed, but my babies would never, neither of them, take a bottle. Dad tried, I tried, tutting grandmothers tried, gung ho grandfathers tried, been there/done that aunties tried - nope, they weren't going to have a dickybird of that, thank you very much.

However, it came in very useful, when starting solids, to mix into food. I used to freeze it in ice cube moulds.

I bf so did all the feeds; Dh had sole charge of bathtimes, so that gave him something to be responsible for and gave me a brief respite too.

Like others have already said, expressing milk isn't as easy as it sounds. I successfully breastfed two babies, but expressing was impossible for some reason. My daughter had to bottle feed her eldest because of breastfeeding issues, but only managed to express for a few weeks.

I do think it's your choice really op and I think if you do what your partner wants and it's a miserable experience, then resentment could creep in. It's also so much easier to breastfeed in the early hours of the morning if you possibly can. Life with a newborn is hard enough without adding extra stress.

Feeding the baby is lovely and a bonding experience, but most dads manage to be useful in other ways and bond with their children. My husband was much better than me at dealing with the crisis moments at 3 in the morning when you've just had enough.

I hope he understands and supports you.

I'm absolutely horrified by some of the responses here. How are you going to stop him?! Really? What kind of a dad would be forcing formula when a mum wants to BF? Yes, you're equal parents, yes he gets a say, but you're the one who has sacrificed your body for 9 months, you're the one with the ability to provide the perfect nutrition on tap, and yes, sometimes, it is just about mum in the early days. Men who don't get that often turn out to be be a bit difficult in other ways too.

You have solid reasons for wanting to Bf, it is best, and once you get the tricky start under control it definitely is vastly quicker and easier. With all good intentions, he'll probably do the odd feed, so why make it all that much less likely to succeed for his ego?

He can do plenty, from changing and winding to restyling. My DH did the early shift, basically walking the baby until midnight, sometimes bringing him for a feed, so I got 4 solid hours at the start of every night. They have an amazing bond, I survived months of waking, and we will do the same when DC3 arrives shortly. Even my useless ex did the same with DD, and was pleased to avoid the worst the off the nights and glad she was getting what she needed.

A post above mine just reminded me. My second baby could probably have done with some top up feeds, but was a bottle refuser. Nothing worked, so even when I wanted give a bottle my baby dug her little heels in and had her own way. An omen for the future I would say.

The other thing is one of the major factors putting me off formula feeding aside from health benefits are lack of faff.
as
This with knobs on!

If breastfeeding works, it's the best, most faff-free thing ever. So if you struggle in the beginning, don't hesitate to ask for help and don't just rely on your midwife or HV for said help!

BF absolutely worked for me and it was brilliant. I fed both my DDs for 13 months (would have done longer if I'd known then what I know now) and it was great. My two were born in the era before the very long mat leaves you get now and I had to express at work, but they were both rubbish at taking bottles. My supply adjusted so that they fed when I was there.

Feeding the baby is lovely and a bonding experience,

I didn't find it so. It was just something I did like nappy changing, dressing DD or taking her out in the pram.

I agree that the best thing about breastfeeding is the lack of faff.

I actually think it’s really lovely that your husband wants to help and bond with his baby - it makes a nice change from the posts I’ve read (on this forum and others) where the new father had little or no interest in the baby.
That said, breastfeeding is a perfectly valid choice, and unless future circumstances dictate you need to do otherwise, there’s no real reason to compromise on that. It might help your husband to read up about breastfeeding, so he understands better why you’ve chosen to and how he can support that, but otherwise there’s still plenty of other ways he can be helpful!

It is your choice, of course. I will say though, there will be times you may want to leave your baby to have a break, grab a nap, etc.. etc.. and may need your baby to take a bottle (whether expressed or formula) and some babies are great with this, others aren't so great. So giving the odd bottle isn't the end of the world so that you aren't tied down not being able to leave her with anyone when you need to.
I am a nanny and I have so many babies start with me unable to take a bottle, we do end up making it work but it can be difficult and distressing for the baby.
Of course you may not be going back to work at all or may never want to leave her which is fine too.

I won’t be leaving her until she’s around nine months, when she won’t be reliant on breast milk