To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

[SummerRoseGardens]

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

That sounds pretty controlling to me. You get to decide how you feed your child and he should support you. I exclusively breastfeed my son and my husband has a great relationship with him. He doesn't need to help with the feeding to have a relationship with the baby.

if he's suggesting you formula feed because he doesn't know about the health benefits of breast feeding - which you suggested might be the case earlier - then he needs to educate himself before giving an opinion!

Newborn babies don't need their dads, they need - for what is objectively a very short period of time - the (almost) undivided attention of their mothers. The best thing he can do for his child is to take care of you - bringing you cups of tea, nice food, making sure the house is clean - to maximise the chances you can breastfeed successfully. If he wants to be hands on, he can do bathtime (plus hours of cuddling, since babies are mostly asleep and like to be held). A man who argues for bottle feeding so he can feel involved is putting his own wants ahead of the baby's needs.

To all those saying 'you can express blah blah blah'. How do you know she can? Not every mother can. Ds was ebf, wh had a very easy time of and he thrived. Yet I couldn't express more than 3oz in 24 hours. It's not always as simple as 'just express'.

And more than that, why should she? Its bloody hard work and of no particular benefit to the baby, its just to indulge the father. Fuck off with that.

I wouldn't make any hard and fast decisions just yet. If you find breastfeeding doesn't work out as you expected you may want him to do some bottle feeding particularly at night! Don't burn your bridges.

Get him interested in the benefits of breast OP - and how it all works. Like, it doesn't just get made and sit there, it refreshes and gets absorbed and literally changes its content according to what the baby in front of it needs. If he understood that his baby would get varying amounts of fat and sugar - and antibodies - according to what the baby's very specific requirements are at that very specific moment - he'll then understand better that his best role in feeding baby is in ensuring you have rest and nutrition to have the best supply possible.

@aprilshowers2015

I wonder how many PP's had their babies in lockdown, with husbands unable to attend scans and in some cases, majority of labour and even the birth? I think it's understandable that your DH wants to be as involved as possible, but I do agree that the decision re: breastfeeding is ultimately yours OP. We decided that I would try and bf DD but DH would do bottles as and when needed. This worked for us as he was able to give a bottle of formula or expressed milk in the evening and I could get some sleep! If you're not keen on pumping, maybe try a Hakaa or other suction cup. I would collect around 4oz over the course of the day that became a feed for DH to give. Also, I've heard the Elvie pumps are very good, just fit in your bra and you can go about your day as normal. I sadly couldn't justify the cost but wish I could! DD has prescription formula due to CMPA so I don't really bother pumping much these days, she has a bottle of that in the evening. DH does majority of nappies, bath time etc and has a lovely bond with DD, she adores him!

My baby is only a few weeks old, born in lockdown, and my husband has been nothing but supportive of my feeding choices.

Ridiculous. I bet he's not so keen to do the night feeds when he's back at work (presuming he does work). Also, while he is at work you would rather not have to make up bottles and fanny about sterilising and heating them rather than just whip your wonderfully functioning breast out to feed your baby as soon as they need feeding.
He sounds immature and bloody clueless.

@BlackSwan

I wouldn't make any hard and fast decisions just yet. If you find breastfeeding doesn't work out as you expected you may want him to do some bottle feeding particularly at night! Don't burn your bridges.

Seriously? I cannot believe what I'm reading. So if the OP doesn't give in now, and then bfing doesn't work out, she might have ruined any chance of the father feeding his child at night? Out of some sort of spite? Fucking hell. We are really scraping the barrel today.

Just let him know there'll be more than enough to do with winding, washing, nappies etc. If he's decent as you say then it'll all work itself out pretty quickly when the baby is here.

There is no way on earth I would have denied my child my breast milk if I was able to breastfeed. I know this is controversial (and I don’t care for other people’s opinions) but in my mind breast is best. And I would be questioning why my child’s own father rather they didn’t have it just so they can do their own bit.
Believe me, the novelty of night feeds will soon wear off for him when he has to get up in the morning and go to work.

YUNBU. Your choice. World Health Org reccomends breastfeeding. You might need to express (you might have loads of milk?) - you can freeze and he can nightfeed that way?

Summer while there’s no reason why he should know about colostrum just now, I’d really encourage him to read a good birth and baby book that goes into detail about feeding.
People who haven’t BF themselves or been around it a lot, can find the cluster feeding and frequency challenging, and there is nothing worse for the new mother than people saying “She can’t be hungry again!” “You are going to be a wreck at this rate, this can’t be normal.” - and trying to get you to use “a few” bottles to give you a rest.
In my case and for some of my friends it wasn’t our husbands or partners, it was our mothers or mother-in-laws, mother in my case.
I imagine it would be even worse if it was the baby’s father.
If he wants to support you, he needs to understand what is going on in labour, delivery and after the birth. It will really help you both.

I pumped milk - spending ages doing so which you can then freeze - so DH could then give a bottle think after 6 weeks to avoid nipple confusion and got him to do the baths - as I was being told by his family I was preventing them bonding.

He hated bottle feeding them and hated bathing them - he's a good dad does loads with them- but he didn't say anything to me till much later.

Turned out the you're leaving DH out actually meant we wanted to have baby for long period of time whenever we wanted without you with a dose if you don't ff you're suggesting ff that we did is wrong.

Next baby wouldn't take a bottle at all and I don't think we tried with third.

So I'd suggest maybe getting your DH on side with bf - more information on benefits -and perhaps doing expressing and bottles bit later and see if there's something else going on.

Expressing when you have loads of milk already and then skipping feeds so that your husband can give a bottle is an excellent route to mastitis, if you fancy a severe infection.

The choice of how to feed a baby is 100% about what is best for the baby. And if a mother can BF and wants to, that is what is best. The dad can have an opinion, but he doesn't get a way - there are as has been mentioned a million other things he can do to bond.

Your DP should read up on the benefits of breastfeeding and the risks of introducing bottles too early.

The science says he should let you breast feed. However, ideally you should be making this kind of decision as a couple (and every other decision) as a couple IMO. I'd be concerned he's putting his foot down on this though, a bit weird given all the evidence says breastfeeding is best and that he's basically asking you to waste your milk. Does he realise the ins and outs of it all?

He should be so busy shopping, cooking, cleaning, changing nappies, doing the laundry that he will be too tired to help with night feeds.
Breast feeding is the one thing he can't help with and he should respect that.

The most helpful thing he can do is to accept that you’re breastfeeding because you believe it is best for the health of your baby, and support you in that.

This means that he can have his full night of uninterrupted sleep GUILT FREE because you have chosen to take the full burden on this one, but that means that when he’s awake he needs to pick up the slack and do his fair share of nappy changing and organising nappy bags etc when you go out, he needs to bring you snacks and drinks to keep you fed and hydrated while you’re feeding, he needs to take on housework and cooking duties for the two of you (by feeding YOU he IS feeding the baby so he can feel good about this!) and basically facilitate the next few months while you are going to be busy putting the baby first.

If he imagines that things will be made any easier for you by relying on him to do one or two night feeds, while the rest of the day you have the added hassle of sterilising and making up bottles etc and then he can claim he’s too tired to do anything else because he’s been up in the night etc he needs a wake up call now! If you’re on mat leave and he’s at work, he has to step up and support you, but he also needs a good nights sleep to enable that.

When baby wakes up early or later at night he can obviously help by going to get them and doing the winding/changing etc but I’d honesty rather have a well rested partner helping out during the day, than have him take on night feeds (you’ll probably be woken up anyway by the baby crying!) and then have both of you tired.

And, as in other things equality doesn’t mean exactly the same, tasks exactly equally shared : I breastfed because I had the physical attributes but my husband, with the benefit of larger hands and a calm manner, did the bathing of slippery babies from the beginning. It wasn’t that he asked for a ‘special’ job but I recognised that it was nice for him to have a particular task - we shared out everything else as we went along.

Expressing when you have loads of milk already and then skipping feeds so that your husband can give a bottle is an excellent route to mastitis, if you fancy a severe infection.

I followed advice and pumped at same time of day - got very small amounts but they added up by 6 weeks though I tried not to skip feeds as did get unfortable full.

There is advice on how to do express feeds and I assume the OP would, if it was something she wanted to do, read up about it.

When I was breast feeding DH made me toast etc- although not at night- he remained asleep for those. He also did the winding, changed nappies, baths etc. Took them out for walks during the day just after a feed. There is loads to do.

He wanted to help more with the feeding however neither of mine wanted bottles and I found it really hard to express.

important thing is, the baby gets fed - whatever works for both you, bottles or breast.

Prolactin is highest at night, so it makes sense for the person with breasts to do night feeds as that's when baby will get most milk.

Also this. although I would have said mother rather than person with breasts!

OP, it sounds like you’ve firmly made the decision to breastfeed your baby. Well done for sticking to your guns. Your husband’s approach is borne of ignorance of the huge benefits of breastfeeding, both to your baby and to you. Your chances of getting various female cancers is hugely reduced by breastfeeding, for example. As you’ve said he’s not trying to be controlling, I expect his attitude could be corrected by a bit of education. Don’t fuck about with expressing, don’t agree to formula - you just feed that sweet baby of yours with your fabulous body. This is one area where men simply don’t get to make a decision. Congratulations.