Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 19/07/2020 19:47

I'm getting on a bit and quite traditional in many ways, but I do believe that it is what is best for the baby and what is best for the mother that is the absolute first priority. The man shouldn't have a say if his argument goes against that. He can have an opinion and he can be listened to, but mother's should do what is right for them. I'm not sure that I would want to be with a man who couldn't see that straight away. A supportive man shouldn't need to be told this.

lockdownparty · 19/07/2020 19:48

Christ there are some depressing posts on this thread. Tiny babies need their mums. Men used to understand this.

Honestly, most men still do.

lockdownparty · 19/07/2020 19:48

Christ there are some depressing posts on this thread. Tiny babies need their mums. Men used to understand this.

Honestly, most men still do.

lockdownparty · 19/07/2020 19:49

Christ there are some depressing posts on this thread. Tiny babies need their mums. Men used to understand this.

Honestly, most men still do.

MerryDeath · 19/07/2020 19:49

there are loads and loads of jobs he can do with the baby, loads of ways he can spend time with the baby, loads of ways to bond. the baby is your baby, they are growing in your body. i could not abide his logic and truly hope you stick to yohr guns because he is way out of line about what being a dad is about. and it's not about him and what he feels. the baby wants to be fed by you.

fwiw i have two children, both fully bf and not weaned until ~2, and i coslept (sleep) with them both. they both adore their dad, spend loads of time with him. he does plenty of baths, nappies, meals, stories etc and he's never ever tried to muscle in on feeding thank goodness because it would have gone down like a cup of cold sick!

Anappleaday1 · 19/07/2020 19:51

Haven't read the whole thread, but sounds like he is coming from a good place but just doesn't have the facts. I would have a discussion about why breastfeeding is best with him, lots of people hear "breastfeeding is best" but don't actually understand why, give him the facts and I'm sure he will be supportive of you exclusively breastfeeding because he wants what's best for his baby. He may also need some reassurance of all the things he can do to help, baths, skin to skin, nappies not to mention looking after you so you are able to get through all of the night feeds! Mine were exclusively breastfed until they no longer needed milk, it was never an issue for their relationship with dh (or returning to work etc) so if it's important to you then you can make it work

Janaih · 19/07/2020 19:52

I'm guessing hes got this daft idea from friends of his. Brace yourself, you'll probably have your work cut out.
Good luck with breastfeeding, hope all goes well.

funinthesun19 · 19/07/2020 19:53

It should be a joint decision, it shouldn’t be your decision or his. There will be many future times where joint decisions are made and it seems your wants are getting priority over his (you say you don’t want it and your not ready) which seems a bit controlling.

This is about feeding a newborn. The mum gets the final decision in this. He might as well choose what kind of birth she has just while we’re at it.

endofthelinefinally · 19/07/2020 20:19

Mine were all breast fed until around 14 months. They all took water from a sippy cup from about 7 months. Ds1 wouldn't take a bottle so I didn't even try with the others.
It is about what is best for mum and baby. Not what men want.

HisNibs · 19/07/2020 20:23

What's best for the baby? Decision made. There are plenty of other opportunities for Dad to bond with his child. Unless in the meantime he manages to develop functioning breasts of course

CautiousVisitor · 19/07/2020 20:25

I only read the first six pages so apologies if I'm repeating something!

It might be helpful for you to help him gain a better understanding of breastfeeding before the baby arrives, OP - maybe a virtual antenatal course? If he doesn't know much about breastfeeding it might help him to understand the process a bit better (especially that it is nothing like as easy as it seems for him to "do a night feed" due to the supply and demand nature of breastfeeding - to build your supply in the early days it is critical that you put baby your breast directly whenever they cue for a feed).

In my experience EBF meant easier nights for us both. (Especially with a sidecar crib and/or set up for safe bedsharing). Once you get the hang of it it is SO EASY to plonk baby on the boob. As PPs have said there is tons he can do to help. My DH did the night time nappy changes and winding, and fetched me water and snacks.

One absolutely lovely way for parents to bond apart from feeding is babywearing. My husband would take our DD first thing in the morning to let me lie in and she'd sleep on his chest whilst he worked at standing desk. Maybe you could talk to your DP about babywearing and suggest he researches and chooses a sling he'd like to use?

cazinge · 19/07/2020 20:30

I have a slightly different perspective as my DP is female. I carried both our children.

With DC1 he couldn't latch (undiagnosed tt) so I exclusively expressed for over a year. This meant DP did 50% if not more of feeds, as if she was home I needed to express rather than feed. I still did most of the night feeds as I was on mat leave and had to express in the night anyway. DP supported me 100% and when I was struggling always just asked what I wanted to do e.g. keep expressing or switch to formula.

DC2 is almost 6 weeks old, I am directly nursing this time but during the day / eve as soon as I'm done feeding I pass her to DP to burp / cuddle as I want to enjoy having both hands free. At night, I do it all as I take the view there's no point both of us being knackered but if she won't settle I wake DP who brings her downstairs so I can sleep. Again, DP has supported this 100%. DD has had 1 bottle of expressed milk when I went for a haircut and will likely have more as DS's swimming lessons are resuming soon and my Mum will have DD.

I've just asked DP (not that I needed to) and she confirmed she hasn't bonded less with DD having only fed her one bottle in 6 weeks vs. 50% ish of feeds with DS.

Shmithecat2 · 19/07/2020 20:37

You don't need to feed your child to bond with them. I ebfd, and for about 15 months of ds' life (he's not 5yo yet), we also lived on another continent from DH. Ds and dh have a fabulous bond.

strawberrypip · 19/07/2020 20:43

@heartsonacake are you serious? you think what the father wants should override what is best for the baby?

if OP can successfully breastfeed and wants to then of course that's what she should do. how pathetic and self absorbed to assume otherwise

Quackersandcheese3 · 19/07/2020 20:47

I don’t think it’s fair to tell you not to as that means from the start he won’t be supportive and you really need help to get things done around the house while your feeding baby. But he should get a say and a chance to voice his opinion I suppose.

I breast fed both babies exclusively for first 6 weeks then introduced bottle for 2 feeds of formula from my husband. It gave me a wee break and dh loved doing it.

crumpet · 19/07/2020 20:50

The baby will be living with you for at least 18 years. A few months of breastfeeding is a tiny proportion of that. Hopefully he can relax and realise there will be many other special parenting moments to come

helpmum2003 · 19/07/2020 20:55

The bottom line is breast is best if you can make it work.

There are a lot of ifs ands and buts but no-one knows what will happen, how things will be when you go back to work etc.

I think DH needs a careful think about the most important thing - it's sweet he wants to do night feeds but once it all kicks off he may be secretly pleased he isn't!!!

heartsonacake · 19/07/2020 20:56

[quote strawberrypip]@heartsonacake are you serious? you think what the father wants should override what is best for the baby?

if OP can successfully breastfeed and wants to then of course that's what she should do. how pathetic and self absorbed to assume otherwise[/quote]
Did you not read my post? Confused

I said that he doesn’t get to demand how baby is fed, just like she doesn’t either. They need to talk and come up with a compromise.

They’re equal parents, they get equal day.

supersonicginandtonic · 19/07/2020 20:56

Can I just ask mums who don't introduce bottles. How old was your baby when you left them?
I'm pregnant with number 4, number 1 was poorly so ff, number 2 I breastfed but expressed too from 8 weeks, and number 3 was fully expressed for 6 months.
DP was able to help and it worked best for our family.
If you exclusively breastfeed, will your baby let you leave them or do you have to wait for baby to be weaned?

forevercurious · 19/07/2020 20:57

I’m breastfeeding my 7 month old. Before he was born I’d planned to EBF and then when supply was established begin to express for the occasional bottle. DP supported me breastfeeding but was more keen than me to attempt bottle feeding. Anyway expressing was a huge faff, DS wouldn’t take a bottle and I found it loads of extra work with sterilising etc so we stopped trying. DS now drinks from a cup and can have milk from one if I go out for a few hours (that hasn’t happened yet!).

Whether you breastfeed or not is completely your choice and you seem sure of your decision so good luck :) - I hope you have a straightforward feeding journey.

Pumperthepumper · 19/07/2020 21:03

They’re equal parents, they get equal day

Does he get equal say in how his child is birthed?

LolaLollypop · 19/07/2020 21:04

Haven't RTWT but just wanted to say that my DH wanted to help with the feeds too and I expressed from day 1 - no problems with nipple confusion. We're still going strong now at 5 months. DH gives my LO his bedtime bottle every night.

heartsonacake · 19/07/2020 21:09

@Pumperthepumper

They’re equal parents, they get equal day

Does he get equal say in how his child is birthed?

Birthing is a woman’s choice because the baby is still in the body and in the process of leaving it. Birth is about the mother, not the baby.

Once baby is out of the mother, it’s all about the baby, and both parents get equal say.

Itsallthedramamick · 19/07/2020 21:10

@supersonicginandtonic I can leave my baby for 5 or 6 hours now and again. She is coming up to 8 months and will drink water and eats fairly well so she can manage a good few hours without me and just makes up for the milk with an extra long feed when I get home. I wouldn't leave her that long regularly yet but I go back to work 3 days a week in September. I did the same with DD1 and bf her to 14 months. She just used to have more milk from me in the evening of a work day

Pumperthepumper · 19/07/2020 21:11

Birthing is a woman’s choice because the baby is still in the body and in the process of leaving it. Birth is about the mother, not the baby.

But even though that same baby needs that same body to nourish it in the best possible way that doesn’t count because of the father’s ego? Come on, you must see this is bullshit.