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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 19:32

Expressing isn’t a compromise, it’s doubling my workload!

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 19/07/2020 19:32

Ffs no it's not an equal say. Like there's not an equal say on abortion or how women give birth. Christ it's not the 1950's

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/07/2020 19:33

Expressing is a time-consuming pain in the arse, not everyone can do it, and lots of breastfed babies won't take a bottle anyway - none of mine would.

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 19:35

Can't you compromise and express

Have you ever solely expressed? It’s the worst of all worlds for the mum.

FattyBoom · 19/07/2020 19:35

@SummerRoseGardens

pineapple if you think I’m the sort of woman who comes ‘crying to Mumsnet’ about anything then you are very wrong.

To some extent it is about me as the mother for a very brief period, pregnancy birth and feeding. Because that’s a biological thing. No one can help that.

But then intuitively it feels like you shouldn't complain if you are the one up every night with the baby. I find it odd that people say 'oh but he can bring the baby to you and then take them away and wind/change them afterwards' because it seems ludicrous that both parents would be up in the night every time the baby needs feeding. Surely it makes far more sense that you do all or nothing (including feeding expressed milk via a bottle if necessary), and if you are cutting him out of feeding then it falls to you
FattyBoom · 19/07/2020 19:36

@SummerRoseGardens

pineapple if you think I’m the sort of woman who comes ‘crying to Mumsnet’ about anything then you are very wrong.

To some extent it is about me as the mother for a very brief period, pregnancy birth and feeding. Because that’s a biological thing. No one can help that.

But then intuitively it feels like you shouldn't complain if you are the one up every night with the baby. I find it odd that people say 'oh but he can bring the baby to you and then take them away and wind/change them afterwards' because it seems ludicrous that both parents would be up in the night every time the baby needs feeding. Surely it makes far more sense that you do all or nothing (including feeding expressed milk via a bottle if necessary), and if you are cutting him out of feeding then it falls to you
Yetiyoga · 19/07/2020 19:36

I don't think I ever said to give her a bottle? I've just looked back at my original post and I literally said it is your choice but gave a point of view about how some babies get distressed in childcare settings if they won't take a bottle.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 19:37

Yes I agree fatty and besides I will be the one on maternity leave - to look after her. But I don’t want to be spending my days expressing milk for him to feed at night.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 19/07/2020 19:37

I’m assuming from your posts that the baby isn’t born yet? Why not wait - you’ve no idea what you may or may not want to do when the time arrives.

RoseTintedAtuin · 19/07/2020 19:37

It should be a joint decision, it shouldn’t be your decision or his. There will be many future times where joint decisions are made and it seems your wants are getting priority over his (you say you don’t want it and your not ready) which seems a bit controlling.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 19:38

Because I know I want to breastfeed, parker

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/07/2020 19:38

If you think that he is urging you to formula feed because he is ignorant of the benefits of breastfeeding then I am inclined to think that what he has said about breastfeeding comes from resentment on his part that you are the central figure right now. You are absolutely correct to believe that your centrality during this brief period is exactly as it should be.

If he really wanted to be helpful he should have got involved by reading all the material there is out there on breastfeeding, on the expectant father, on how you are going to feel in the postpartum period. I gather he has not, and has just felt sorry for himself that he hasn't been in the fun of the scans.

Tell him to start showing his desire to help by ordering a package of books and reading them.

If or when you encounter difficulties breastfeeding, don't let him seize the opportunity to pressure you into formula feeding. Most difficulties can be fixed.

Waveysnail · 19/07/2020 19:39

A bottle around 10pm so you can get some sleep can be a god send. No reason you cant express though formula is fine too.

Serenschintte · 19/07/2020 19:39

Biologically your the one with the equipment to feed your baby. So as long as you are willing and able to do so you should.
DH felt a bit left out when DS1 was born. But there are lots of other bonding things he could do - nappies, walking the floors when crying, he used to drive him on the M25 when it was the only thing to stop the crying. Cook nutritious meals - which helps milk supply and directly helps to feed his baby. The list goes on and on Smile

Parker231 · 19/07/2020 19:39

@SummerRoseGardens - and if you can’t?

Starlightstarbright1 · 19/07/2020 19:40

@Pineapple1

You are parents. You are Both the child's parents. You Thefore have an equal say in what happens.

If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum.

This is not a good idea for a newborn you need to establish feeding

My now exh used to make me a cup of tea whilst breastfeeding/ far more useful.

I agree with the poster who said this is the one thing you get to decide

Serenschintte · 19/07/2020 19:40

Ooh and I forgot. Saturday in between feeds he took DS out for a walk - that was their special thing. I stayed home and rested. Sometimes they went to a cafe. DH loved it.

Pumperthepumper · 19/07/2020 19:41

@RoseTintedAtuin

It should be a joint decision, it shouldn’t be your decision or his. There will be many future times where joint decisions are made and it seems your wants are getting priority over his (you say you don’t want it and your not ready) which seems a bit controlling.
Name one other time where the baby will be reliant on the actual bodily functions of one parent.

This isn’t a joint decision - it’s what’s best for the baby, provided by the mother. When men start lactating, that’s when we can talk about joint decisions regarding breastfeeding.

SinkGirl · 19/07/2020 19:41

I assume you have never breastfed, because compared to breastfeeding it is a faff. No washing and sterilising of bottles and teats, no making up formula, no heating the bottle up.

When breastfeeding all you do is pop the breast into the baby's mouth, job done.

That’s not always true though. For me every type of feeding was a faff but breastfeeding was the biggest faff because they couldn’t latch well. Feeds were painful, long, they’d crash out of without getting a full feed, most of the milk would fall out of their mouth and I would be drenched.

Making up formula and cleaning bottles was a pain but far less stressful.

Pumping was the worst of both worlds.

Because I’m an absolute i was trying to do all three simultaneously at one point and then gave up breastfeeding but continued pumping every 2 hours until they were 7 months - never did produce enough for both.

Serendipper · 19/07/2020 19:42

I’d bet any money that the offer to help feeds will quickly disappear and it’s well known that missing breastfeeds to add in bottle/formula feed depletes your supply (bf is supply and demand!)
So you’ll end up faffing around with formula at night (with no help) instead of just popping the baby on the boob and going back to sleep. No thanks (I’ve both formula and breastfed - as we had difficulties in the early days, when sorted bf was so much less hassle)

mbosnz · 19/07/2020 19:43

Our attitude was that we were all in this together. I was the one that could breastfeed, so that was my part. His part was supporting me in that. And working together, we got very slick at the night feeds, so both our sleep got maximised.

Pumperthepumper · 19/07/2020 19:43

Also, those of you who say the father should decide about breastfeeding, should they also get joint say on how the baby is born? Where’s the cut off?

PinkDaffodil2 · 19/07/2020 19:44

Just to say if exclusive breastfeeding goes well then go for it and don’t feel pressured to express or top up with formula if you don’t want to - there are loads of other ways he can help out and bond - mine has done 95% of bathtimes since DD was born, she never took a bottle and was fine with me at work from 9 months with water in a sippy cup and lots of yogurt (milk in a sippy cup still gets rejected!).
If you’re not back at work till 9 months then exclusive breastfeeding is a great plan A, and of course you’re aware things might not be so straightforward but if they are it’s so easy and so little faff - assuming you’re happy with not much of a social life but they’re pretty portable in the early days. I’ve never sterilised anything except a breast pump once (milk got rejected and there was no need to persist).
Good luck!

PinkDaffodil2 · 19/07/2020 19:46

Also if it’s all on you then learn to breastfeed lying down once you’re getting the hang of things then you can still nap / get some rest while baby feeds - with your partner supervising or following the safe co-sleeping guidelines. I wish I’d figured that out earlier. It’s easier when they’re a few months.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/07/2020 19:46

Christ there are some depressing posts on this thread. Tiny babies need their mums. Men used to understand this.

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