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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 19/07/2020 19:04

SummerRoseGardens, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, and as you can see from my posts, I was a breastfeeder.

However, can I just say that we can't tell until we're on that journey, what our bodies will do, in terms of breastfeeding, and what our babies will do - and it's amazing what a firm opinion a newborn can have!

So, make your plans, but do be prepared to adapt, adjust, and move on.

I hope it all goes well for you and babe, and for the new father.

Zofloramummy · 19/07/2020 19:05

I breastfed until my dd was 18 months. I also went back to work when she was 6 months. Once I got bf established dd was combination fed, only a bottle or two a day from an early age.

It meant I could express and my mum could have her for a short time, I could take a bath, my ex could do some of the nights, and for me most importantly she settles well into nursery and happily took bottles.

However it is entirely personal choice, there is no right or wrong it is down to the individual.

siblingrevelryagain · 19/07/2020 19:06

Breastfeed your baby until you go back to work

Before then give her a cup with a lid with water in with a meal

Your husband can take baby down for an hour in the morning to let you sleep in-no point you both being awake in the night

majesticallyawkward · 19/07/2020 19:08

@SummerRoseGardens

But you are telling me to give her a bottle, and I really, really don’t want to do this.

If it causes difficulties when it is time to go back to work then we will deal with it, but I don’t want to introduce formula and I really don’t want to express milk.

If it's your choice to breastfeed stick to it, you could change your mind or want to give the odd bottle at some point which is also fine if it's your choice.

A hakaa is great to have on hand, especially in the early days to catch any leakage while you feed and you can build up a little stash of milk in the freezer without much effort should you want/need to use it. No pressure to do it religiously, easy to use/clean and only £10 so not a big outlay. I have one and if it's near I'll use it, early on I ended up with loads of frozen milk and used some for cooking when we started weaning or in lolly moulds.

BGirlBouillabaisse · 19/07/2020 19:09

@summerosegardens

Don't worry about bottles, neither of mine ever had one, or needed one, even when I went back to work.

Kellymom.com really is the breastfeeding bible, you can start perusing it for expert advice before baby arrives.

RealBecca · 19/07/2020 19:10

No, he gets no say whatsoever.

It lowers YOUR risk of cancer, until formula lowers his, he gets no say at all.

Steadders79 · 19/07/2020 19:11

Breastfeeding is hard enough as it is sometimes without having to worry about anyone else but you and your baby. He can't have a say on this one. This is your journey to take and he should be on board with all the benefits it can bring to you both. There's plenty of other aspects of parenthood he can co-opt with you.
If your husband wants to help then ask him to read up on breastfeeding and support you emotionally and physically in other ways. Milkmakingmama on Instagram is an amazing account to follow for advice on all things breastfeeding.
My other half helped with the nappy changes any night, getting me water etc and passing me the baby once she was awake and I was sat in position- small things which helped a lot and in the early days keeping each other awake was a big support too. If you can express this could be great for you to get a stash and try and offer a bottle to baby after 6 weeks or you may miss your chance (Midwife's tip) but earlier and there could be issues with baby getting used to bottle flow.
Let hubby know he's going to be part of the story in other ways but let him know how important this will be to you and potentially you and the babies health, wellbeing and opportunity to bond. I feed and care for my little girl all day (9 months ebf) but her little face still lights up when daddies home

strawberrypip · 19/07/2020 19:11

how is anyone saying the guy gets to decide this? are you crazy? of course the mum gets to decide whether to breastfeed or not. why would a dad be so selfish that they would deny this to their child?

looking at you @Pineapple1

ScrambledSmegs · 19/07/2020 19:12

There won't necessarily be problems with childcare and milk. DD2 was a bottle refuser, and a dummy refuser too. She started at nursery at 9 months old and she quite happily drank from a cup then. I brought in expressed milk for her to have after her naps and she was perfectly happy.

She preferred it cold in a cup, maybe I have a low body temperature or maybe she was just a weird baby.

Ethelfleda · 19/07/2020 19:15

But you are telling me to give her a bottle, and I really, really don’t want to do this

And you don’t have to, OP.
Don’t make a decision about feeding a newborn based on what they may or may not do nine months later.
FWIW - I had a bottle refuser who I sent to nursery at 10 months. By then he was drinking from a sippy cup (you can start them drinking water from a sippy cup at 6 months when beginning to wean) so he just had his milk from that. Absolutely no issue at all and we carried on bf’ing until he was nearly 2!

footprintsintheslow · 19/07/2020 19:15

No. Dads do not get a say in my opinion. You are in control here.

If you don't want to express or use formula then you do not do it!

Stick to your guns on this and then see how you feel.

Lastly I'd encourage your partner to start feeling proud of you rather than pushing his needs and wants on to you.

There's more to parenting than feeding so he can help in every single other way possible.

SideEyeing · 19/07/2020 19:17

@SummerRoseGardens honestly I wouldn't stress about work now - it's a long way off. Decide that for say, the first 3m you are exclusively bf and that's it then re-evaluate to see if (only if) your feelings change?

knittingaddict · 19/07/2020 19:17

Admittedly I had my children in the 80's, but not taking a bottle shouldn't be a big deal when weaning. I stopped breastfeeding both of mine at 6 months which was pretty normal for the time. Weaning started at 4 months. When I stopped breastfeeding both of mine would drink from a feeder cup with a spout perfectly happily. Neither of them ever needed to take a bottle.

knittingaddict · 19/07/2020 19:18

Ah. just as Ethelfleda said.

Ethelfleda · 19/07/2020 19:19

knittingaddict and I had my baby in 2017! So things haven’t changed that much Smile

knittingaddict · 19/07/2020 19:20

And ScrambledSmegs

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 19/07/2020 19:20

I haven’t read all the other replies but I guess I was lucky with my DH as he always supported my want to BF. I fed DS till he was 16 months and am still feeding DD who is 16 months and shows no signs of wanting to stop. I echo what lots of people have said, BF is probably more difficult initially (getting the latch right and I found it painful till my nipples had toughened up), but then so,
so easy. With both mine I had great intentions of combination feeding and expressing but both were bottle refusers and I personally found expressing awful! For me it was nothing like BF and was actually like having my nipples ripped off! I never got a decent amount expressed for DS and although it was better when I tried for DD, it actually gave me some kind of nipple problem that took months to heal and was really really painful.
I know my DH felt like a bit of a spare part for the first few months of DSs life but they have a great bond and there are plenty of ways they can bond, feeding isn’t the only thing baby’s do. My DH used to take DS down in the morning and look after him while
I slept for a bit longer. Also as others have said, the exclusive feeding is 6 months, it’s such a short time in reality.

knittingaddict · 19/07/2020 19:21

Agreed. Babies are babies aren't they.

funinthesun19 · 19/07/2020 19:22

He’s being so unreasonable. He doesn’t want you to breastfeed because he wants to help with the feeding? That’s so selfish.

I mean, yes it’s great that he wants to help with the feeding. That’s more than what some dads do. Some dads are quite happy to leave feeds to the mum (night time ones mainly) and they rejoice when the mum chooses to breastfeed. BUT, what he’s doing is selfish. If a mum chooses to breastfeed then the dad shouldn’t stop her.
IF you choose to express, he could feed the baby that way.

Plus there are plenty of other things he can do.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 19/07/2020 19:27

Oh and although both mine were bottle refusers both were given a sippy cup with meals from 6 months so when I went back to work when they were 9 months old they had milk from a cup at their childminders. Never had any issues there and it was something I was really worried about with DS.

mathanxiety · 19/07/2020 19:28

That ' feeling left out of things' thing... It's jealousy really, isn't it?

The baby is not a toy you are keeping him from playing with by breastfeeding.

His role is to support you, ensuring you are not run ragged doing household stuff that anyone with two legs and two arms could do. This includes cleaning, cooking and laundry, and also making lists, planning meals, and ordering groceries.

He could give a bottle of expressed milk at the end of the afternoon once your supply is established in a few weeks. The end of the afternoon is a time when many babies can't settle and mothers can feel exhausted and in need of time for themselves.

pressureofaname · 19/07/2020 19:28

Hi SummerRoseGardens

Sitting here bf my third as I type and just wanted to say that I think you’ll be fine. I’ve breastfed all of mine. With the first I tried the whole “express so DH can give a bottle” thing and OMG the faff - for me, it was much more hassle than it was worth.

For no 2 and this one I have never bothered with a bottle, and just breastfed them. It has been much easier. The pump is still in a box somewhere, gathering dust...

It’s also rubbish to say you can’t leave them. With dc1 I was back at work full time before he was 9 months. He fed twice before I left and twice after I got home and had solids in between. No drama.

And dc3 is only four months and I went and got my hair cut for a couple of hours this week. Fed before I left, fed when I got back. Again, all fine.

Good luck x

Rwoolley · 19/07/2020 19:30

Can't you compromise and express

Baby gets benefits of breast milk, dad gets to feel involved, you don't end up having to do all the feeds

heartsonacake · 19/07/2020 19:31

But you are telling me to give her a bottle, and I really, really don’t want to do this.

Right, but he really, really doesn’t want you to exclusively breastfeed.

You’re both her parents, you both get an equal say. He doesn’t get to demand but neither do you. You need to talk and come to a compromise.

TicketToTheWrongFilm · 19/07/2020 19:31

@Rwoolley

Can't you compromise and express

Baby gets benefits of breast milk, dad gets to feel involved, you don't end up having to do all the feeds

Expressing is a lot more work than just feeding straight from the breast.