To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

[SummerRoseGardens]

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

I presume the 'just express' crew have never actually expressed.

Because then they'd realise what a deeply unsatisfactory pain in the arse it is, assuming the baby can BF direct, it is so much more straightforward and pleasant to do this.

I took great joy in throwing out my pump when the time came. I hated that thing.

Dads don't need to feed to bond with their baby. Plenty of other stuff for them to do.

Can I just say that although I know you don't want to but just incase for any reason you have use bottles - personally, I never found formula feeding a "faff" and it's really not that time consuming.

Obviously it was more hassle than breastfeeding but I found it less time consuming without cluster feeds, comfort suckling and the on and off nipple stares as #2 got nosier 🤣

There are other ways he can help. I would point out the additional expense and faff of bottles. Breastfeeding is so much easier.
He will need to stand down on this battle, otherwise he is a massive dick.

@Pineapple1

You are parents. You are Both the child's parents. You Thefore have an equal say in what happens.

If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum.

Don't be so ridiculous. The absolute best food for a baby is breast milk. A man has zero say in how a baby is fed, just like he has zero say in whether a woman has a termination or not. The OP doesn't 'need' to do anything she doesn't want to do, including expressing milk which in itself is a right royal pain.

I haven't read the full thread, so I apologise if others have already said this. But in my experience, lots of fathers say that they want to help with the night feeds, then lose interest fairly quickly. By that point, the mother's milk may already have dried up.

Breastfeeding is best for babies. It's the biological default.

I presume the 'just express' crew have never actually expressed

I agree LaurieMarlow

personally, I never found formula feeding a "faff" and it's really not that time consuming

I assume you have never breastfed, because compared to breastfeeding it is a faff. No washing and sterilising of bottles and teats, no making up formula, no heating the bottle up.

When breastfeeding all you do is pop the breast into the baby's mouth, job done.

I think the guy is getting a hard time here. My dh felt very "excluded" in the newborn days because in all honesty feeding is pretty much the only activity a brand new baby is visibly enthusiastic about. DD cried during baths, nappy changes etc so they weren't (at first) particularly bonding (though god I'd have swapped in a heartbeat.) Men want to bond with their child too.

Doesn't change the fact that no, it isn't his choice at all. But people could lay off assuming he's controlling, selfish, lazy etc.

Babies still need milk at 9 months @SummerRoseGardens

Yes I’m aware I think my words were she won’t be reliant on it

(having said that, as someone who is now getting ready to put what will be a 9mo into nursery full time in September, getting them used to taking SOME sort of cup or bottle before then is a really good idea. My DD absolutely refuses ANYTHING other than the breast and her solids.. Starting to panic.)

Sorry yeti that was ruder than intended. It is frustrating though when people treat new parents as if they don’t have a clue which end of the baby is which!

@Ginfordinner wrong. I formula fed my first and breastfed my second for 16 months - which is why, if you care to read the rest of my comment, I said it is more hassle than breastfeeding but not that much of "faff" in its own right :)

Lots of people saying he doesn't get to choose. Well of course he can't make you breastfeed because it's your body, but I think he is part of the decision making on how baby is fed. What about deciding when to start solids, or whether to have a vegetarian diet etc. I don't agree with him because I think if feasible breast milk is the best choice for baby. However if you want him to be 50/50 in raising this child, I don't think you can say he gets no choice in this.

Of course she will be?! At 9 months, babies still need regular milk throughout the day. Do you think she will magically take a bottle at 9 months?

I feel like they should have some input but ultimately it's your body. Could you not express so dad could still bottle feed?

I fell pregnant in June (since miscarried) and this would've been our 2nd child (DS is 9 months) my husband expressed his concerns around breastfeeding due to my previous experience and baby being hospitalised due to being underweight

We decided together that I would combi feed.

I think I’ll breastfeed my own baby, if that’s quite all right with you yeti

If she really won’t take a bottle then she’ll have to wait until I come home for the two or three months it might be an issue.

I am not trying to treat you like you don't know which end a baby is. I feel that my response was quite helpful. I am a childcarer so I see first hand babies between 8-12 months starting with me and not being able to take a bottle. Food is for fun before 1 is the saying because they still need their full nutrients from milk. I hope this helps :)

@Yetiyoga I'm having this exact problem because I was adamant that exclusively breastfeeding was the way, the truth and the light. Turns out no, they don't magically take a bottle AND past about 3m I stopped being able to effectively express. If we ever have a second I will introduce a bottle a day of either ebm or formula from six weeks or so.. Partly to give myself a break as the emotional weight of being the sole feeder has been brutal and also to better prepare for nursery.

Have you educated him on the benefits of breast milk?,he may feel differently after being armed with the facts.

Maybe reach a compromise;perhaps he can feed baby their first solid food when weening starts;it's quite an important moment.

As many people have said there's lots of ways for him to be involved other than shoving a teat in baby's mouth.

I was the one that did all the research, earnestly read the books, and the magazines, so DH did tend to defer to me when it came to making decisions about starting solids etc, although we were broadly on the same page.

I found saying, 'okay, this is why I think X, why don't you read this book, these studies and this magazine article, and then get back to me why you disagree and we'll discuss it', tended to work a treat.

Another add to my original comment.. After realising exactly how much a newborn feeds and exactly how little sleep you get, my keen to help partner is now the world's biggest breastfeeding advocate seven months on 😂

@SummerRoseGardens please read my replies again. When have I once said not to breastfeed? I'm very pro breastfeeding. In fact, I'm pro choice. I'm just trying to give another point of view for when you want to leave her.

In my experience when babies go to childcare for the return to work, they make up for their missing ebm during the night. 😫 As a result, the return to work is doubly brutal as there is also so little sleep. However, it does mean the refusal to accept a bottle at that age isn’t detrimental to the baby in terms of missing nutrients.

But you are telling me to give her a bottle, and I really, really don’t want to do this.

If it causes difficulties when it is time to go back to work then we will deal with it, but I don’t want to introduce formula and I really don’t want to express milk.

but I think he is part of the decision making on how baby is fed.

No he isn't, he really isn't