Neighbours ‘can’t hear baby’

[jellyneilly]

Not an AIBU but really need some advice!

We live on a new build estate with terraces and the soundproofing is amazing. Can only hear my neighbours when they’re in the garden/out front, or when their children scream and run up and down the stairs. Can hear tantrums are happening but not what’s being said iygwim. DH went to get a package off them the other day and they had a chit chat. The wife said she was concerned because she never hears our baby cry. Oh trust me she has a decent set of lungs on her as she’s growing 3 months ahead of her actual age (born weighing 10 pounds and is already in 6-9 month clothes at 3 months). She doesn’t get upset often but when she does it’s either colic or teething now which has already started. I’d say she cries a normal amount and we’re very responsive to her. We have a 5 year old so I feel we’re ‘seasoned’ parents. She’s also a very happy baby, smiles and giggles constantly when she’s awake and sleeps like a dream at night. She’s developed in a way that she doesn’t need to cry when she wants something I.e. milk as she’s just started shouting at us. It’s so cute, she sounds like she’s trying to say ‘hungy’ when she wants milk because I always ask her ‘are you hungry’ so she copies me. The midwives at the hospital noted that I was very alert and independent when on the ward. The neighbour joked that we must ‘gag her’ or something. Well no, it just means we’re attentive parents I think! I don’t believe that they don’t hear her at all either as I can hear them talking with their friends at normal level in their garden with my windows shut so they will definitely her hear scream. Maybe they need their hearing tested?

My husband said she seemed genuinely concerned and now I’m worried she’ll report us to social services. Would they even come out for ‘baby doesn’t cry enough’? It just seems ridiculous to me. We have had the health visitor come round plenty so it’s obvious that our baby isn’t in any danger otherwise the HV would have seen. Its like you can’t please some people! I joked that next time DD’s having a screaming fit we should take her next door and let the neighbours deal with it I feel they’re the type of people who would also complain if she cried a lot. I presume she’s just taking from her own experience and is shocked at how content our baby is as her boys do seem like a handful.

What can I say to neighbour to quash these needless concerns before she causes us stress by reporting us to authorities? Record her for the day and show it to them? I have no idea

Lol at you reading your hospital notes and taking them as a character reference. Anyway, that aside, are you sure she’s not just trying to be complimentary?

'Alert and independent' means 'not showing symptoms of sepsis, extreme blood loss or off her tits on painkillers & anaesthetic and can use her arms and legs without falling over'. It's hardly the seal of approval on parenting skills, it's merely that you don't look about to keel over.

She's not going to report you for abuse. She made a joke because she hasn't heard your kid crying. I never heard next door's kids crying, either. They make up for it now they're older and make noise playing. Still doesn't bother me, but I did wonder whether the youngest was OK as a baby when I hadn't heard or seen them for a while. But at least she was alert - considering some of the awful stories that make it into the papers, alert neighbours might have prevented some awful things, so there is the knowledge that she cared enough to think 'I've not heard the baby, I wonder if she's OK?'. Shit joke, but maybe she was trying to make it lighthearted because she was worried?

Coming from a flat where I could hear the squeak of the bloke downstair's arse when he moved around in his bath, never mind the sound of babies, children, adults, TVs, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, bedsprings and lightswitches around me, below me, next door but one on each level and all the normal volume goings on across the L of the block, it was very, very different.

TL'DR You're overreacting. Just chill.

My neighbours made a very similar comment to yours and I assumed they were being nice - in a ‘of course we hear your tiny baby crying but we know it’s what babies do so we’ll make a nice comment so you don’t feel bad about it’. I wouldn’t overthink it.

I'd love to know where these amazingly soundproofed new builds are

You’ve way over thought this.

If the neighbour has reported you for this ludicrous reason she is bonkers. If you have a massive overreaction and hysteria as in here then it might, however, result in more scrutiny than the original and ridiculous allegation

Give it a rest.

I was endlessly "alert to my baby's needs" she cried all the bloody time due to being in pain.

Also "sounding out vowels" doesn't mean they know what they're saying. You're kidding yourself here and I worry for the pressure your children will be under academically.

Oh God I remember this! DD didn't cry much in the beginning because, like OP I was so attentive and fed her on demand and cuddled her to sleep and when she fussed. Around the same time the neighbours toddler had huge meltdowns at bedtime and as we are a semi the sound proofing is rubbish.
I was a little at why they didn't just comfort their sobbing child because obviously that's all it would take to stop his crying and keep him happy.
Well, that's jokes on me! 😂 because now I know nothing stops the crying sometimes and they just scream and scream because they don't want to go to sleep or get dressed or get out the bath even at seven months. And I know it's nothing serious because I can walk out the bedroom with DD and she will immediately settle as she isn't being put to sleep.
OP - give it six months and they will no doubt long for these early days.
I can only blame my smugness one being a first time mum (similar at my baby who woke once or twice a night - it was oh so hard but my God I was secretly smug over the lack of a four month sleep regression. Well that's all a joke as we have had hourly wake ups and a seven month regression for the last two months ....)
In my defence, I'm definitely not smug anymore! Just desperate for a full nights sleep and maybe the chance to put on some makeup and brush my hair 😁 😂

I had to stay for a week post birth because she had an infection?

Well, if it was on the maternity ward (i.e. it wasn't that you were discharged and baby moved to SCBU), the nursing staff still have a duty of care to you so they obviously need to note down your care needs too - you're still technically their patient as a a woman who has recently given birth and hasn't been discharged.

@jellyneilly

God I’m just going to leave this now. I’m not sure how a post on my concerns about my neighbours essentially asking if we abuse our baby screams ‘mental health problems’. Could have done with some actual advice but thank you anyway!

I would understand if I had said ‘neighbour can’t hear baby, will she report me to SS?’. I said she suggested we abuse our child also, that is my cause for concern. I’m also concerned that some of you think it’s acceptable to joke about gagging a baby. Maybe you should see a GP?

OP, plenty of people have given you advice but you seem to be ignoring them and focussing on the negative comments.

You don't have to put on a show for your neighbour. I doubt she will actually call social services because she doesn't hear the baby cry (how ridiculous would that be?). And even if she did, I doubt they could follow up because of that. And even if they did and paid you a visit, you can show off your large and advanced baby with pride and the case will be closed.

@Hobnobswantshernameback

I'd love to know where these amazingly soundproofed new builds are

Haha I’m so glad it’s not just me!

This is such a funny bragging post. Your first priority should be extracting your head from your arse!

"Alert and independent" is bread and butter of nursing and midwifery notes, OP and similar will be documented in 99% of cases. My laptop has a drop down box for this as well

When I got into nursing 3-4 years ago, I noticed that the saying "bread and butter" was very common amongst nurses.

In fact, I would hear it several times on each placement and have never in my life heard it outside a ward.

Has anyone else?

It says on my hospital notes ‘alert and independent’.

My notes from my neurologist always say "I saw this delightful young woman" and I was flattered until i was told this is apparently big standard for anyone who basically isn't difficult.

My favourite to date was when I saw someone after surgery on my left arm and the notes called me a "delightful right handed woman". Which is what I may have enscribed on my tombstone I've decided.

In all seriousness though OP, chill. Just chill out. They've commented on not being able to hear your baby cry. Don't choose to believe that's malicious, choose to believe it's a passing comment they made in conversation.

Nobody is as interested as us as we would like to think and even if they called SS what would happen? I mean most likely nothing but even if they came out they'd see your baby is happy, healthy and safe. End of.

If your baby is six months old by then she can also offer to make them a cuppa herself and chat about it

I'm always intrigued when people boast about the size of their babies as it's some indicator of future intelligence and kudos to their awesome parenting
Two of my four were right scrawny buggers
One just graduated with a 2.1
The chunky one is on an academic par as his poor scrawny siblings
I find it all very strange
Dd can still fit into age 8-9 clothes at 13 but eats like a horse and is in the top 5%of her year group
Can someone enlighten me why a big baby is so clever and so much more advanced

Honestly you’re all reading into this way too much bloody hell.

To be fair, we are not the ones believing we are going to be reported to social services based on one throwaway comment .

Now, THAT is reading too much into the situation!

My neighbour said to me once she never hears our DD cry or anything. I think she said it as she was surprised but in a pleasant way - never thought twice about it.

It’s just something people say!

What horrible people there are in the world.

I'd ignore the neighbour and ignore the thread, OP. It's unlikely they'd call SS but if they did, your HV would assure them everything was fine and that would be that. It would be a non event.

You don't need to find a way to convince your neighbour that you're not gagging your baby. If she contacts social care and they contact you (which is pretty unlikely) they will have plenty of evidence that your parenting is fine and that will be the end of it.

I think it's easy too see comments on medical files and misinterpret them. Posters could probably have been a bit kinder about explaining what it really meant to you.

You need to stop focussing on what other people think of you, including MNers and neighbours, and just enjoy your baby. She sounds awesome and you sound like a lovely mum.

OP in the nicest way possible I think the reason you're getting alot of stick here is because instead of just asking the question, you've gone into so many unnecessary details (a good few paragraphs worth) about how independant, quiet and genrally amazing your baby is. If you'd have given say, a paragraphs worth, of info about how great your baby is I doubt you'd come across as smug at all, just proud.

Now in response to your question i highly doubt your neighbours will report you. Throughout the whole lockdown every time my 2 year old sees my neighbours he purposley screams 'HELP MEEEEEE" and they haven't reported me yet so I'm sure you're good

I’d genuinely like to know the name of the building company too. A properly soundproofed house is worth its weight in good (well not quite...but nearly 😅)

I am fairly sure than when my neighbours said “does that baby ever cry, we can’t hear a thing!” they meant “we can absolutely hear your howling colicky baby but we are nice and don’t want to make you feel bad about your baby crying.”

I thought this.
Our lovely 92 yr old neighbour {with a noisy night time radio} asked
''Does my radio bother you?''
I said ''not at all'' ..despite sometimes finding it annoying.

She, back in the day, was so good about my DH teaching music from the house....She said she ''couldn't hear it''...then, when DH left, she said ''Peace at last''
I said ''Doreen, I thought you said you couldn't hear it?''...
She replied ''We didn't want to upset you''.

So...rule of thumb is ...If you can hear your neighbours, they can hear you!...

OP, in answer to your specific question: you do not need to do or say anything to your neighbour to "quash her needless concerns". It is very unlikely she is actually worried and she was probably making jokey conversation or a throwaway remark. If you approach her with a recording of your baby crying she will be probably be quite confused as she will have forgotten ever having made the comment.

In the unlikely event she contacts SS I doubt they will pay you a visit because she thinks the baby is too quiet and therefore being gagged.

I don't think you are a stealth boaster. You sound extremely anxious and concerned about how others view your parenting and preoccupied with your baby's apparently advanced behaviour. I do not know anyone who can recall what was written on their post birth hospital notes or who believes those notes were in any way a commentary on their parenting. They are bog standards comments all midwives write. I would advice tying to relax and chill out a bit but I actually think you'd benefit from professional help to talk through your anxiety.

What a load of smug BS. This can't be real!

Could have done with some actual advice

I don't get that from what you've posted @jellyneilly

I think you actually want reassurance about something highly improbable, and more reassurance/affirmation that you're a great mum.

This is AIBU and for right or wrong, you're not going to get it here. This post was far more suitable for Chat or other areas of Talk. Enjoy the traffic and the greater audience.

It’s so cute, she sounds like she’s trying to say ‘hungy’ when she wants milk because I always ask her ‘are you hungry’ so she copies me.

If I heard a first time parent say this, I would smile and gently roll my eyes. We all go a bit loopy the first time around. But as a “seasoned” parent as you’ve referred to yourself, it’s bonkers to come out with something this stupid for a 3months old baby 😂