Neighbours ‘can’t hear baby’

[jellyneilly]

Not an AIBU but really need some advice!

We live on a new build estate with terraces and the soundproofing is amazing. Can only hear my neighbours when they’re in the garden/out front, or when their children scream and run up and down the stairs. Can hear tantrums are happening but not what’s being said iygwim. DH went to get a package off them the other day and they had a chit chat. The wife said she was concerned because she never hears our baby cry. Oh trust me she has a decent set of lungs on her as she’s growing 3 months ahead of her actual age (born weighing 10 pounds and is already in 6-9 month clothes at 3 months). She doesn’t get upset often but when she does it’s either colic or teething now which has already started. I’d say she cries a normal amount and we’re very responsive to her. We have a 5 year old so I feel we’re ‘seasoned’ parents. She’s also a very happy baby, smiles and giggles constantly when she’s awake and sleeps like a dream at night. She’s developed in a way that she doesn’t need to cry when she wants something I.e. milk as she’s just started shouting at us. It’s so cute, she sounds like she’s trying to say ‘hungy’ when she wants milk because I always ask her ‘are you hungry’ so she copies me. The midwives at the hospital noted that I was very alert and independent when on the ward. The neighbour joked that we must ‘gag her’ or something. Well no, it just means we’re attentive parents I think! I don’t believe that they don’t hear her at all either as I can hear them talking with their friends at normal level in their garden with my windows shut so they will definitely her hear scream. Maybe they need their hearing tested?

My husband said she seemed genuinely concerned and now I’m worried she’ll report us to social services. Would they even come out for ‘baby doesn’t cry enough’? It just seems ridiculous to me. We have had the health visitor come round plenty so it’s obvious that our baby isn’t in any danger otherwise the HV would have seen. Its like you can’t please some people! I joked that next time DD’s having a screaming fit we should take her next door and let the neighbours deal with it I feel they’re the type of people who would also complain if she cried a lot. I presume she’s just taking from her own experience and is shocked at how content our baby is as her boys do seem like a handful.

What can I say to neighbour to quash these needless concerns before she causes us stress by reporting us to authorities? Record her for the day and show it to them? I have no idea

I didn't read it as smug, more the tip perhaps of pnd or pn anxiety. It might be worth speaking to your health visitor or gp if these thoughts persist.
I also hope mn posters are not too harsh

A normal response should have been "really you don't hear her cry?! Wow the soundproofing in out houses must be excellent because she has a good set of lungs on her" and then just carry on your life without a second thought to the conversation.

But for some reason youve had to turn it into a how advance your baby is how brilliant a parent you must be because you have two kids (I have three does that mean I'm even better?) And also rubbish your neighbour is as her child is a "handful" .

It says on my hospital notes ‘alert and independent’

I'd repost this on the Oxbridge board if I were you, OP.

If she didn’t make the ‘gagging’ comment then I wouldn’t automatically jump to SS referral but she was pretty much indirectly telling DH that she thinks we might be abusing/neglecting our baby. If you didn’t think that then why would ‘gagging a newborn baby’ even cross your mind?

Your dh needs help to stop being so sensitive. There is nothing to be done here. You both need to relax.

A) likely just neighbourly chat and a compliment about happy baby if anything
B) if neighbour was concerned enough to report they probably wouldn't tell you
C) nobody will care that a neighbour thinks a baby doesn't cry enough. If they report social services will think they are crazy.

Pfft, when my DD was 3 months she would say "excuse me Ma ma, I would very much like to sample some of your finest milk"

OP, I would absolutely not worry about this. I expect the neighbour was just making random conversation, they will not ring social services, social services would not come out if they did, and if social services did come out you would explain that the walls are thick and that would be that.

Try not to brood on this and not to get it embedded in a narrative of "we are such special parents and she is such a special baby"- it really won't help you to feel happier or more relaxed. I'm sure you are fine, I'm sure your baby is fine, just let it go.

I think you are overthinking OP- you have nothing to prove to us (don't worry about posting notes) or to them. You do sound anxious and like you are mulling this over a lot- have a chat with your partner/husband and see what they think. I'm pretty sure no-one is going to report a baby for not crying, they were just making conversation.

the gagging comment was a joke. Nobody would suspect anyone of doing that.

The gagging comment was a joke. It's not how most people would joke if they actually intended to call SS.

Is there any particular reason why your thoughts immediately jump to social services when a neighbour makes what sounds like a fairly innocuous joke? Anything you've been reading or something in your past?

I've had a fair bit of SS involvement re my children, but it wouldn't have been my immediate assumption.

LonginesPrime Just finding my notes from the hospital where it literally states that. Not really sure how it’s a boast when it’s a medical comment on how I was coping with a baby in the hospital

Yes, please please post your hospital notes so we can all see the evidence of how advanced and superior your baby is. Or better yet, photocopy them for your neighbour so her mind can be put to rest

She sounds out ‘huuunnnnnmggyyyyiee’ not saying hungry like she can speakhmm Plenty of 3 month old babies can sound out vowels.

Brilliant!!!

I think the comment would have thrown me off too, but I'm a first time mum and probably over sensitive.

My son barely cried for the first 4 months, I was going to take him to the doctor because I was sure that there was something wrong, but then he found his voice and screaming became his new favourite thing.

I couldn't talk about it because everyone thought I was bragging. I wasn't bragging I was worried my baby was broken!

I’m not really sure on what planet gagging a baby is funny

Bit of an odd response to a nothing comment. I would have just said something like, 'Yeah she doesnt cry much. Im lucky' , and thought no more of it.
It certainly wouldnt have made me examine my parenting and feel I had to justify anything to anyone.
I think you need to chill out about peoples comments. Youll get loads more over the years and you cant carry on like this every time.

Sounds like she was just making conversation. I really wouldn’t give it another thought.

You are massively overthinking the comment.

Who was 'alert and independent'?

I would love to know how a newborn baby can be 'independent'

...are you ok OP?

Seriously.

I’m not really sure on what planet gagging a baby is funny

It sounds like she made a joke and you're picturing an actual scenario of child abuse in your head.

This sounds like a sense of humour mismatch between two acquaintances who don't know each other that well - I don't think it's anything more than that and certainly nothing to worry about, OP.

From your follow up posts OP, I think your attitude is more concerning for you than for your baby. Your neighbour made a VERY gentle joke, and it's sent you into a spiral of self justification and paranoia about social services, and posting about your hospital notes on Mumsnet.

Please get help if you need it. Your MH is of more concern than your baby right now.

I do think you could consider speaking to your hv or gp for a quick assessment for the start of pnd or pn anxiety. It's really common and helpful to address early rather than later.

Has your husband suggested the same concerns to you about social services? Have you told him you are worried?

This isn't about the neighbour.

This is about you "being such a great parent that your child doesn't cry"