Neighbours ‘can’t hear baby’

[jellyneilly]

Not an AIBU but really need some advice!

We live on a new build estate with terraces and the soundproofing is amazing. Can only hear my neighbours when they’re in the garden/out front, or when their children scream and run up and down the stairs. Can hear tantrums are happening but not what’s being said iygwim. DH went to get a package off them the other day and they had a chit chat. The wife said she was concerned because she never hears our baby cry. Oh trust me she has a decent set of lungs on her as she’s growing 3 months ahead of her actual age (born weighing 10 pounds and is already in 6-9 month clothes at 3 months). She doesn’t get upset often but when she does it’s either colic or teething now which has already started. I’d say she cries a normal amount and we’re very responsive to her. We have a 5 year old so I feel we’re ‘seasoned’ parents. She’s also a very happy baby, smiles and giggles constantly when she’s awake and sleeps like a dream at night. She’s developed in a way that she doesn’t need to cry when she wants something I.e. milk as she’s just started shouting at us. It’s so cute, she sounds like she’s trying to say ‘hungy’ when she wants milk because I always ask her ‘are you hungry’ so she copies me. The midwives at the hospital noted that I was very alert and independent when on the ward. The neighbour joked that we must ‘gag her’ or something. Well no, it just means we’re attentive parents I think! I don’t believe that they don’t hear her at all either as I can hear them talking with their friends at normal level in their garden with my windows shut so they will definitely her hear scream. Maybe they need their hearing tested?

My husband said she seemed genuinely concerned and now I’m worried she’ll report us to social services. Would they even come out for ‘baby doesn’t cry enough’? It just seems ridiculous to me. We have had the health visitor come round plenty so it’s obvious that our baby isn’t in any danger otherwise the HV would have seen. Its like you can’t please some people! I joked that next time DD’s having a screaming fit we should take her next door and let the neighbours deal with it I feel they’re the type of people who would also complain if she cried a lot. I presume she’s just taking from her own experience and is shocked at how content our baby is as her boys do seem like a handful.

What can I say to neighbour to quash these needless concerns before she causes us stress by reporting us to authorities? Record her for the day and show it to them? I have no idea

The midwives at the hospital noted that I was very alert and independent when on the ward.

Are you talking about you or the baby being alert and independent?

I’m not sure why that is relevant really?

You are totally over thinking this.

Your neighbour made an observation, then made a joke about this observation. You may not have found it funny, but I think it's a bit of a reach to think they are implying you are actually gagging your baby

My neighbours have commented that they never heard my eldest as a baby and they haven't heard my youngest (8 month old) either. I haven't had social knocking on my door. It's just people generally expect to hear noise from newborns so it's pleasantly surprising when they dont

Honestly, OP, I'd have a quick chat to your HV. Just mention your concerns. It sounds as though you might just be edging towards PND or PNA, and your HV is the best person to reassure you; about the neighbours, about your baby and about yourself.

Maybe she is just worried that the baby is sick or something.

I wouldn't worry about it. If you've seen the kinds of homes that SS deal with, then I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

If it's bothering you, then have a chat with her about how well the baby is doing. Just to put both your minds at ease.

Also, even if she did call social services, if there's no issue, I wouldn't worry. Their job is just to keep kids safe - they're not out to get people!

I dont really think NDN was serious .However can you not just "pop round " with baby in tow to show everything is OK? I have no idea how you could possibly "gag" a baby!

Oh and trust me I’m not bragging, my first was an utter nightmare I’ve just struck lucky with this one! Of course she can sound out vowels, please do some research on baby development.

‘Your baby's verbal skills will progress through stages as her vocal mechanism matures and she increasingly relates to her environment, Artemenko says. First, vowel-like sounds at birth move to coos and goos at 2 to 3 months. Babbling starts around 4 months of age.’

If she is growing ahead of her age and developing faster (HV was shocked how alert she was at her 6 week check, can already roll over both ways, trying to sit up etc) then of course she will have started babbling. Each baby is different, it’s not a boast I was explaining why they might not hear her cry. She was basically born a 2 month old baby with the size of her🤣 I’m not bragging, she was never a ‘baby baby’ which is very sad for me as it’s my last. I would rather she not be developing so fast/be the size of a small toddler already.

Also the midwives didn’t say ‘she’s an excellent mother best one we’ve ever seen’ they were literally commenting on my parenting as a safeguarding feature of my notes. Considering the fact I had to stay there for a week and couldn’t see my partner or family it was quite important to make a note of how I was coping, as with all the other mothers. There were women in there that were screaming and crying to go home, unable to care for their babies and were clearly quite unwell. They need to make a note of this so midwives/HV know if they need help or referral to MH services

Well no, it just means we’re attentive parents I think!

Yes, because that’s the only reason babies cry - inattentive parents . Seriously?

There’s a lot of flags in your posts, I would have a chat to the GP about how life is travelling. One of the cuff comment meant in humour by a neighbour should not have set off the cascade of things that it has.

What on Earth? Really? What relevance at all does a comment a midwife made post birth have on a baby's behaviour three months later?
It sounds like you are overthinking this crazily or have some sort of anxiety.
Or perhaps this is a weird stealth boast?
Just ignore the neighbours

Mumsnet: the home of ultimate reaching! So because my baby is developing ahead of her age and my neighbours made an inappropriate comment about gagging a defenceless baby I’m suddenly mentally unwell? Crazy!

HoppingPavlova do you not know how ridiculous your post sounds? Of course a baby would cry a lot when it’s parents don’t pay attention to it/let it cry. It’s common sense really

God mumsnet bullies are out in force. I don't think you sound smug at all. I had one big baby and another tiny one and for me there was a big difference in their development. Ds was the bigger baby and did things a lot sooner than his tiny sister. Both kids were very alert but dd had a very high pitched cry which was never very loud whereas ds's shook the house.

What I do think is a little odd is that you are concerned she would report you to social services. I would have been annoyed by her comments but laughed them off. You have taken them more seriously, which is probably just down to hormones and having a little one. Dont give it another thought!

This about sound insulation and modern construction methods surely? The few benefits of buying a new house is that you can hear chuff all due to the power of Kingspan and Celotex and the like.

If the neighbours starts this again a quick response with, 'Modern building materials are amazing aren't they?' and be done with it.

perhaps they were joking.
or being mean because their kids are loud

dont stress it op

Your posts are making you sound increasingly paranoid and unwell. I would be ringing the HV to have a discussion.

Midwife told me he "looks like a wise old soul"
Obvs I signed him up to deliver philosophy lectures that very day

I’m alert to my babies needs (So of course she won’t cry loads) and don’t need help? That’s what I meant? Honestly you’re all reading into this way too much bloody hell. I still need advice on how to tackle the neighbours concerns? Anyone? DH read it right as he knows basic social cues and he says she definitely did not look like she was joking about the gagging and was genuinely asking DH if we do so or not.

the midwives didn’t say ‘she’s an excellent mother best one we’ve ever seen’ they were literally commenting on my parenting as a safeguarding feature of my notes

'Alert and independent' isn't about your parenting - it's about you as a patient.

They also say it about old men who've just had kidney stones removed once they're able to eat a piece of toast and walk to the toilet!

It means 'all being well, we can free up the bed soon'.

But she isn't just sounding vowels out.

She's recognising the feelings of hunger and instead of choosing to cry, like most 3 month old
babies, she's choosing to tell you. By saying the word 'hungry'...

OK, I'll bite. I have actually project managed a research project about infant to child development working with several experts in the field of child development, psychology and language acquisition and can confidently tell you that sounding out vowels is eleventy billion miles from using them purposefully as a word in the way you describe.

Actually @jellyneilly a baby that isn’t attended tends to not cry because it learns that it won’t have its needs met. Your whole post is very strange and as someone with professional experience with mum and babies I would be more concerned more about the things you have said here than the jokey comment made by a neighbour,

Oh my goodness! I’m concerned about SS purely because she outright asked if we gag our baby. It was definitely not rhetorical, she had a very serious look on her face according to DH and did not laugh once.

Maybe she’d had a tough day with her "handful" children and was thinking about how quiet next door’s kids seem to be? Maybe another complainant neighbour compared her DC’s noise to yours and she was smarting from that?

Who knows why she said it but I can guarantee she doesn’t really think you gag your baby. Put it out your mind and carry on. But remember all children are different and change behaviours; one day you might have the "handful children".

OP I did think you were a first time mum, but the fact that you have already had one and are this upset about a neighbours comment, so much that you are asking advice on how to convince stranger that you are a good mum does make it sound like their might be more going on for you. Have social services been involved in your past?

Do you think you could have PND or are you struggling with anxiety OP? I would have a chat with your HV