Neighbours ‘can’t hear baby’

[jellyneilly]

Not an AIBU but really need some advice!

We live on a new build estate with terraces and the soundproofing is amazing. Can only hear my neighbours when they’re in the garden/out front, or when their children scream and run up and down the stairs. Can hear tantrums are happening but not what’s being said iygwim. DH went to get a package off them the other day and they had a chit chat. The wife said she was concerned because she never hears our baby cry. Oh trust me she has a decent set of lungs on her as she’s growing 3 months ahead of her actual age (born weighing 10 pounds and is already in 6-9 month clothes at 3 months). She doesn’t get upset often but when she does it’s either colic or teething now which has already started. I’d say she cries a normal amount and we’re very responsive to her. We have a 5 year old so I feel we’re ‘seasoned’ parents. She’s also a very happy baby, smiles and giggles constantly when she’s awake and sleeps like a dream at night. She’s developed in a way that she doesn’t need to cry when she wants something I.e. milk as she’s just started shouting at us. It’s so cute, she sounds like she’s trying to say ‘hungy’ when she wants milk because I always ask her ‘are you hungry’ so she copies me. The midwives at the hospital noted that I was very alert and independent when on the ward. The neighbour joked that we must ‘gag her’ or something. Well no, it just means we’re attentive parents I think! I don’t believe that they don’t hear her at all either as I can hear them talking with their friends at normal level in their garden with my windows shut so they will definitely her hear scream. Maybe they need their hearing tested?

My husband said she seemed genuinely concerned and now I’m worried she’ll report us to social services. Would they even come out for ‘baby doesn’t cry enough’? It just seems ridiculous to me. We have had the health visitor come round plenty so it’s obvious that our baby isn’t in any danger otherwise the HV would have seen. Its like you can’t please some people! I joked that next time DD’s having a screaming fit we should take her next door and let the neighbours deal with it I feel they’re the type of people who would also complain if she cried a lot. I presume she’s just taking from her own experience and is shocked at how content our baby is as her boys do seem like a handful.

What can I say to neighbour to quash these needless concerns before she causes us stress by reporting us to authorities? Record her for the day and show it to them? I have no idea

LonginesPrime no as I wasn’t a patient, my baby was. I was not receiving treatment

It's absolutely nothing to do with being alert to a babies needs.

You get a baby who has colic and reflux and that kid will scream for 3 months straight. No amount of parental 'alertness' can rid that completely, unfortunately.

I had a chilled second baby as well. He never cried.

I even totally forgot he was even in the room with me once.

Bless you with your super advanced baby who isn’t a handful.

What a nosey busybody, looking for trouble where none exists, and implying that there is something untoward in your home. You have a placid baby, be grateful for it and tell her the same!

Wow, the reaction to this thread! Are people feeling threatened because their babies did cry a lot? And lots of people obviously haven't fallen down the YouTube rabbit hole of babies (and dogs and cats) sounding like they're talking when they're imitating sounds 😆

Not that I believe this is real anyway. You know, with your “new build” having a conservatory added by the previous owners..
Did you just want to brag about your content baby? Congrats, if so.

@Bellesavage

Pfft, when my DD was 3 months she would say "excuse me Ma ma, I would very much like to sample some of your finest milk"

I must admit I had similar thoughts.

Tell her your child doesn’t cry because she can talk and tell you she’s hungry. Problem solved.

OP you're committing far too much thought to an off the cuff comment by a neighbour. So what if they don't hear her cry? There's no way social services would rock up over this unless there's some serious back story going on. You don't need to prove your self to your neighbours, or on a Mumsnet post. Forget it an move on.

I think you should remember that there are babies with things like reflux that scream bloody murder even while being held etc. It's not always about being attentive. Some young babies also sadly learn that no-one is coming because their parents are not attentive and so do not cry.

Quiet children can sometimes be the result of severe neglect. So there is more to this idea that a quiet baby or noisy baby is solely the result of attentive parents.

That being said, I think your neighbour was just making a random comment and you are overreacting. Also, they genuinely might not hear your baby crying. My next-door neighbour reckoned she couldn't and my son was LOUD as a baby. Maybe she was just being kind so I didn't worry, or maybe she really couldn't hear it. Whichever, it sounds like your baby is thriving and your neighbour is happy.

@jellyneilly just FYI, "alert and independent" will be the midwives making a medical assessment on how well you're recovering from labour, not them commenting on your parenting.

Also, your comment about your baby not crying because you're attentive parents is some smug bullshit. @HoppingPavlova is right, crying baby doesn't mean inattentive parents, it means crying baby. The fact that your baby doesn't cry much has jack shit to do with your parenting skills, it is literally just luck. You got an easy baby.

I have a similar type of baby right down to the shouting when he’s hungry and my family make these comments too. It’s just out of jealousy don’t worry - keep doing what you are doing. You have nothing to prove.

I’m not really sure on what planet gagging a baby is funny

On a planet where nobody for a moment would suspect you of child abuse or imagine that you would think you were suspected of child abuse.

@jellyneilly

It says on my hospital notes ‘alert and independent’. I’ll find them out in a minute and post a pic. They always comment on how the mother is doing under their care on the maternity unit incase they need assistance. It’s very common and not a brag.

Bloody hell mumsnet is still a strange place! So I can’t call her boys a handful when they run riot uncontrolled 24/7, are often ‘told off’ by other neighbours and our conservatory needed repairs after they smashed it with their football (Before we moved in)? And in regards to the sounds that my baby makes, you’ve not heard them so how can you comment? She sounds out ‘huuunnnnnmggyyyyiee’ not saying hungry like she can speak Plenty of 3 month old babies can sound out vowels. I also speak to her like she’s can understand me so she can learn how to speak. It’s normal for babies to stop crying when they learn that the caregiver responds to different sounds. She makes specific sound when she’s hungry and screams when she’s in pain with say teething. She no longer cries when hungry.

I mentioned her size to explain how loud she actually is, which is incredibly loud so no idea how they can’t hear her If I wanted to boast about my baby I would straight up ‘boast’ not do so by explaining why it’s bizarre that they can’t hear her. Some weird responses here.

Back to my original question, how can I show neighbours that they don’t need to be concerned? They definitely weren’t just making chit chat, DH said she had a serious look on her face and asked if baby was alright. She could well have reported us already for all I know as she doesn’t know us because we moved in just before lockdown so not had a chance to talk much. We could be incredibly abusive and be putting the baby somewhere so we can’t hear her cry for all she knows. She asked us if we gag her or stop her from crying. ‘Gagging’ a baby is not something you joke about imo.

"Alert and independent" is bread and butter of nursing and midwifery notes, OP and similar will be documented in 99% of cases. My laptop has a drop down box for this as well

God I’m just going to leave this now. I’m not sure how a post on my concerns about my neighbours essentially asking if we abuse our baby screams ‘mental health problems’. Could have done with some actual advice but thank you anyway!

I would understand if I had said ‘neighbour can’t hear baby, will she report me to SS?’. I said she suggested we abuse our child also, that is my cause for concern. I’m also concerned that some of you think it’s acceptable to joke about gagging a baby. Maybe you should see a GP?

Your 3 month old doesn't say hungry, you're hearing what you want to. I'm assuming you'll be the parent whose six month old recites Shakespeare in three languages but to everyone else is sounds like standard baby babble , you come across as very judgemental, it sounds like the neighbour made an off the cuff joke, a choke because it's so absurd no one would actually imply their neighbour was literally putting a gag on their baby, possibly because she is aware of your displeasure at her 'handful' children. You seem like hard work.

OP you really do sound overly anxious.

It also sounds like you find it quite normal because your husband is too.

It really isn't normal to stress this much about a neighbour making a joke about your baby being quiet.

You have defended yourself in your first post numerous times to prove to us you're a good parent, and it sounds like you are, but why do you feel as though you need to prove anything to us, and your neighbours?

Your kids are happy, thriving, and fed. Your HV is happy with you. So why are you stressing so much over the rest of the world thinking anything?

Do you suffer from anxiety? A lot of parents have had increased anxiety during this whole covid thing so it's certainly not a criticism at all.

My immediate reaction was that this was a thinly veiled bragathon about having a super large, super bright, super quiet baby that was a paragon of intelligence with a sunny nature that outshines every other parent's child/ren...

It is barking mad to assume Social services will be worried about a 'quiet baby'. 🙄

You are ''Seasoned parents?''....What on earth is a seasoned parent?..
Foster carers, like the couple we lived near are what I would call ''Seasoned Parents''....taking on unruly, troubled teenagers and doing a very good job of it. {according to a now adult young man who lived there}👍

*joke, oh the irony

LonginesPrime no as I wasn’t a patient, my baby was. I was not receiving treatment

Oh, I thought you meant when your baby was born, not that she had to go back in - apologies.

This is the most hilarious stealth brag I've seen in a while.
Your 3 month old is not saying hungry. She really isn't.

I am fairly sure than when my neighbours said “does that baby ever cry, we can’t hear a thing!” they meant “we can absolutely hear your howling colicky baby but we are nice and don’t want to make you feel bad about your baby crying.”

Your neighbour was joking.

I used to threaten to gag DD2. Because she talked all the time. Still do and she’s 18. Social services don’t care about that type of thing.

I had to stay for a week post birth because she had an infection?

About the gagging that was definitely a joke. My sister would joke she'd give her daughter a packet of crisps, put the tv on and let the cat watch over her if she needed to pop out. She never did as the cat had better things to do with his time