Neighbours ‘can’t hear baby’

[jellyneilly]

Not an AIBU but really need some advice!

We live on a new build estate with terraces and the soundproofing is amazing. Can only hear my neighbours when they’re in the garden/out front, or when their children scream and run up and down the stairs. Can hear tantrums are happening but not what’s being said iygwim. DH went to get a package off them the other day and they had a chit chat. The wife said she was concerned because she never hears our baby cry. Oh trust me she has a decent set of lungs on her as she’s growing 3 months ahead of her actual age (born weighing 10 pounds and is already in 6-9 month clothes at 3 months). She doesn’t get upset often but when she does it’s either colic or teething now which has already started. I’d say she cries a normal amount and we’re very responsive to her. We have a 5 year old so I feel we’re ‘seasoned’ parents. She’s also a very happy baby, smiles and giggles constantly when she’s awake and sleeps like a dream at night. She’s developed in a way that she doesn’t need to cry when she wants something I.e. milk as she’s just started shouting at us. It’s so cute, she sounds like she’s trying to say ‘hungy’ when she wants milk because I always ask her ‘are you hungry’ so she copies me. The midwives at the hospital noted that I was very alert and independent when on the ward. The neighbour joked that we must ‘gag her’ or something. Well no, it just means we’re attentive parents I think! I don’t believe that they don’t hear her at all either as I can hear them talking with their friends at normal level in their garden with my windows shut so they will definitely her hear scream. Maybe they need their hearing tested?

My husband said she seemed genuinely concerned and now I’m worried she’ll report us to social services. Would they even come out for ‘baby doesn’t cry enough’? It just seems ridiculous to me. We have had the health visitor come round plenty so it’s obvious that our baby isn’t in any danger otherwise the HV would have seen. Its like you can’t please some people! I joked that next time DD’s having a screaming fit we should take her next door and let the neighbours deal with it I feel they’re the type of people who would also complain if she cried a lot. I presume she’s just taking from her own experience and is shocked at how content our baby is as her boys do seem like a handful.

What can I say to neighbour to quash these needless concerns before she causes us stress by reporting us to authorities? Record her for the day and show it to them? I have no idea

Who connects a big baby with them being more clever and advanced?
I've never seen that, apart from you saying it now.

One of my kids was freaking enormous. At 6 weeks old I had to cut the feet off his 9-12 month baby gros because I couldn't bring myself to by 12-18 month sizes (if anyone with a massive baby like mine is reading this, get the baby clothes from
George, they come up bigger).

I never made the connection that it made him more intelligent. I did do a Facebook post about how shocked I was that he was such a freaking giant though. And other mums with giant babies told me about theirs too.
It's not a brag, it's just a fact.

Like another who told me her 18 month old was still in 6-9 month clothes (but the parents are petit so it makes sense).

It's just a normal parental conversation.

I've since had a very average sized baby and that's far more boring.

OP, advising you to get your MH checked out IS friendly advice, well intended.

It sounds like you have a lovely easy baby and yet you're panicking over a joke (and reflecting your outrage over the humour reads to me like a "I'm not crazy, you're crazy!" reaction...).

I mean it. Talk to someone if you're anxious about this.

My neighbour has a 6 month old baby who I never hear. You wouldn't actually know there is a baby in the house [ plus a 2 yr old who I don't hear either ]. It has never occurred to me that there is a problem.
I can't imagine that your neighbour meant anything about her comment, and I feel you are over reacting to something and nothing.

@Hobnobswantshernameback

I'm always intrigued when people boast about the size of their babies as it's some indicator of future intelligence and kudos to their awesome parenting Two of my four were right scrawny buggers One just graduated with a 2.1 The chunky one is on an academic par as his poor scrawny siblings I find it all very strange Dd can still fit into age 8-9 clothes at 13 but eats like a horse and is in the top 5%of her year group Can someone enlighten me why a big baby is so clever and so much more advanced

In my experience they aren't. I had an absolute anxiety induced meltdown that DD could barely roll at six months and she can't sit independently at seven months either. I sent the health visitor this exceptionally long list of my concerns and she told me it's probably because my baby is pretty chubby and so it's harder to do some movements. On the other hand her cognitive development is pretty good so I also think they just focus on different aspects at a time, the best piece of advice I was given when I was looking at all the other babies so far ahead of DD was that the baby who is rolling at three months probably isn't the same baby who is able to use the pincer grasp or respond to their name at four months.

My husband said she seemed genuinely concerned and now I’m worried she’ll report us to social services

Have you ever thought about joining your local amateur dramatics group?

Oh dear OP.

No-one on here needs to see your hospital notes. Although I’m surprised you’ve not framed them.

You could’ve just said, ‘AIBU? My neighbour has made us paranoid with her comments, but we have an easy baby...‘ without all the smugness and snippiness. Then you might have got more measured responses.

She is probably very very aware of how much noise her kids make and mentally makes peace with it because 'kids are noisy'. The presence of a non-noisy baby will upset that worldview (or at least challenge it). She may not even realise that that's the reason she's so worried, it is probably subconscious.

Don't worry about it.

That was to @Hobnobswantshernameback

I think your husband took the comments completely out of context !! The neighbour was joking, but obviously misread your husbands ability to get it !! Stop over thinking and chill .
My granddaughter was staying with us from birth to 5 months and our neighbour regularly commented how quiet she was . She had colic every evening for 6 weeks so definitely not quiet but it never crossed my mind that they thought it was a problem.

@jellyneilly Baby cries are high frequency, high frequency noises are absorbed easier by sound proofing therefore it's quite likely your neighbours can't hear her unless maybe a window is open etc. Its why men's voices generally carry better than women's.

The 'gagging' comment was likely to be tongue in cheek as her children cried alot. No one is reporting you to SS.

My Dd wasn't a crier she also communicated early on. I'd highly recommend baby signing, you can use your own signs, makaton is easy to learn from Mr Tumble, BSL and there are tonnes of videos on YouTube. Once a baby has control of their hands to clap they can sign. My Dd could sign in simple sentences "More milk please" well before 18 months (not a brag, most babies could of taught) and parenting was far easier, and peaceful because she could express herself.

My notes from my neurologist always say "I saw this delightful young woman" and I was flattered until i was told this is apparently big standard for anyone who basically isn't difficult.

Yes I see a lot of hospital records and they all say stuff like this. If they just say 'I saw this gentleman / woman' You know they were a proper wanker.

I have read all this. There ate some seriously nasty people in the world. 'Be kind' hasn't lasted long has it? It reminds me of when I posted a picture of my ruined 2 day old carpet and someone commented 'it doesn't look like an expensive carpet tbh', when I had posted for advice on solving the issue. Or when a poster gleefully td me "you are looking at a prison sentence and a large fine" when I asked for advice after a builder had cut through a tree root in my garden!

If you are concerned about the neighbours comments, I think you should take the baby, knock on her door, step back 2 metres when she opens it and have a conversation about your concerns.

Tell her you are worried about what she said to your husband and that you want to reassure her. Be objective and nice and she willl be too.

@Hobnobswantshernameback

I'm always intrigued when people boast about the size of their babies as it's some indicator of future intelligence and kudos to their awesome parenting Two of my four were right scrawny buggers One just graduated with a 2.1 The chunky one is on an academic par as his poor scrawny siblings I find it all very strange Dd can still fit into age 8-9 clothes at 13 but eats like a horse and is in the top 5%of her year group Can someone enlighten me why a big baby is so clever and so much more advanced

I've got friends who perpetually brag about how large their baby is. He was born at over 10lb and now, apparently, at six months, is in eighteen month clothes. (He also, apparently 'says a few words', but she's a first time mum so I'm just smiling and nodding at that).

Mum is very obese, so I would have thought that she would have concluded that her baby being very large isn't always going to be a good thing, but apparently not...

@backseatcookers The letter to my GP from my new neurologist said 'thank you for referring this very pleasant 28 year old right handed nanny'

I've never hand my handed-ness specified before, might need to add it to my CV!

Congratulations OP on your fabulous parenting!

🥇

Ignore the neighbour. Enjoy your baby.

Sorted.

My husband’s hospital notes described us as a ‘particularly well-informed couple‘. I was preening until a consultant friend said it’s properly code for ‘wankers who’ve googled’ 😂

I’m not sure how a post on my concerns about my neighbours essentially asking if we abuse our baby screams ‘mental health problems’

But your neighbours didn’t ‘essentially’ ask anything of the sort!

You and your husband both sound like you really don’t understand social cues and have wound each other up into a frenzy about a throwaway comment.

@Oysterbabe

My notes from my neurologist always say "I saw this delightful young woman" and I was flattered until i was told this is apparently big standard for anyone who basically isn't difficult.

Yes I see a lot of hospital records and they all say stuff like this. If they just say 'I saw this gentleman / woman' You know they were a proper wanker.

I heard of someone having "this inquisitive gentleman" and thought uh-oh he must have been a nightmare!

[quote Addler]@backseatcookers The letter to my GP from my new neurologist said 'thank you for referring this very pleasant 28 year old right handed nanny'

I've never hand my handed-ness specified before, might need to add it to my CV![/quote]
Right that's it, I'm going to set myself a challenge to get my job mentioned in my next letter

@BobFleming

My husband’s hospital notes described us as a ‘particularly well-informed couple‘. I was preening until a consultant friend said it’s properly code for ‘wankers who’ve googled’ 😂

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou

Who connects a big baby with them being more clever and advanced? I've never seen that, apart from you saying it now.

One of my kids was freaking enormous. At 6 weeks old I had to cut the feet off his 9-12 month baby gros because I couldn't bring myself to by 12-18 month sizes (if anyone with a massive baby like mine is reading this, get the baby clothes from
George, they come up bigger).

I never made the connection that it made him more intelligent. I did do a Facebook post about how shocked I was that he was such a freaking giant though. And other mums with giant babies told me about theirs too.
It's not a brag, it's just a fact.

Like another who told me her 18 month old was still in 6-9 month clothes (but the parents are petit so it makes sense).

It's just a normal parental conversation.

I've since had a very average sized baby and that's far more boring.

That's interesting, I find the opposite! DD is both long and chubby and I find Next to be the most generously sized clothing. George only works if I really size up and even then she looks like a little sausage. At the back of my mind I'm mildly concerned as I can't weigh her during lockdown very accurately but she was tracking on the 91st centile and as I am obese (desperately trying to lose weight) I don't want her to have the same problems growing up. But I can hardly put her on a diet so I'm just focusing on healthy weaning foods and patiently waiting to discuss with the HV once the clinics re open. How is your baby now? Are they still tracking large? I know she's too young to really worry about it but I want to set her up with healthy habits for the future, my DSS has real weight problems and a complete aversion to anything that isn't junk food and I can't bear to have the same dinner time battles with DD in 10 years.

The letter to my GP from my new neurologist said 'thank you for referring this very pleasant 28 year old right handed nanny'

Only "very pleasant", @Addler? Not charming or delightful? What terrible acts did you commit in the neurologist's office?

Let it go OP.
Sounds like you've been blessed with a content baby, enjoy!
It sounds like she made a 'throw away' comment. If her kids are boisterous then that is what she is comparing yours to....
You are reading far too much into it.

Continue to have neighbourly chit chat.
There could be plenty of times to come in the future that your children make a noise and she may comment about that too..

Back to my original question, how can I show neighbours that they don’t need to be concerned?
You don’t need to show them anything. They’re your neighbours not your child’s doctor. I doubt they’ll ring social services, but if they do, they’ll see there’s nothing to worry about. Just get on with your life.

Both my kids didn’t cry much as babies when at home. I couldn’t care less what my neighbours thought. I find it odd that you’re so concerned about what they’ve said and that you feel the need to prove yourself.