Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 3 year old son should be able to dress as Elsa?

393 replies

stealthbanana · 19/07/2020 00:28

My husband and I have just had an enormous fight about this...

My 3.5 year old DS loves Frozen, and has asked for me to buy him (a) a frozen dress up (ie an Elsa or anna costume) and (b) some
“Elsa and anna shoes” (a pair of sneakers one of his nursery classmates has, white with pics of elsa and anna on it).

I’ve just talked to DH about it and his response ha surprised me - he’s said he’s absolutely opposed to my son having an Elsa dress as “it’s opening up his gender identity”. We have a 1 year old daughter and I have said that I don’t think he would be as annoyed if she dresses up as eg fireman Sam and he said that “princesses are different I don’t think that being a fireman is a bad thing”. I asked about the shoes and he said he would be ok if they were “boys shoes”. I had to stop the conversation as was worried it would become a proper argument - he was very angry.

AIBU to think that it’s a total non big deal that a 3 year old wants to dress up as a princess and has nothing to do with their sexuality or gender identity as an adult?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Iwanttositundermyownvine · 19/07/2020 10:31

Tbh I wouldn't be too hard on your DH as I consider everyone (even myself) to have some internalised misogyny. It's a side effect of the society we live in. Some people are simply less willing to embrace it than others.

I do think it might be helpful to explain to him about trying to force gender stereotypes on children as being damaging and discuss some of the issues with him. If he's a nice, intelligent, decent guy he should hopefully manage to think critically about his reaction. Certainly my DH did. It was just a knee-jerk reaction to seeing his son, his pride and joy, his sturdy wee boy, in a lilac sparkly Sophia the 1st outfit after 2.5y of us unconsciously choosing blue tractor t-shirts for him... we live and learn and parenting so far has included a lot of lessons about ourselves and the world around us.

Youbigdosser · 19/07/2020 10:34

For the people that asked me why I would never let my son if I had one dress up as princess.
Simple fact of he’s a boy.
Same way I would dress a girl up as superman. Plenty of hero’s of their own gender to look up to.

Alabamawhirly1 · 19/07/2020 10:34

Letting little boys cross dress is opening up a can of worms. Your ds doesn't know that it's unusual for boys to dress in girls clothes - but by letting him do so you could be starting him on a path to pubity blockers and genital mutilation

Just to be clear, I'm not saying letting boys cross dress turns them trans. What I'm saying is at the moment wider society is telling boys that like girls stuff that they are trans. So I wouldn't feel safe letting my son dress in girls clothes incase others in his life (teachers, school mates) starting pushing the idea on him that he was trans.

That could cause a lot of confusion for a child and they could end up blindly walking down the trans path.

Until all society sees boys in dresses as normal play and not being a girl trapped in a boys body - it's not somthing I would encourage.

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 10:36

Plenty of hero’s of their own gender to look up to.

Why can they only look up to their own gender?

Do you apply that to role models as well as superheroes? Why be so unnecessarily limiting?

Did you mean to say you wouldn’t let your daughter dress as superman? How strange.

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 10:38

What I'm saying is at the moment wider society is telling boys that like girls stuff that they are trans.

So tell them that there’s no such thing as ‘girls’ stuff and they can like what they like. Problem solved.

Until all society sees boys in dresses as normal play and not being a girl trapped in a boys body - it's not somthing I would encourage.

You’ll be waiting a long time for that. Which makes you part of the problem really.

Sometimeswinning · 19/07/2020 10:40

My dh would have the same reaction. I'm a bit suprised at all the names being directed at the op's husband. He probably thinks how his friends would have reacted when he was younger. He's also overly concerned what his friends and family will think of his son. Perhaps this is wrong but he has every right to say how he feels without everyone saying he's a sexist, homophobia!

Youbigdosser · 19/07/2020 10:41

No I wouldn’t, if she wanted to dress as a hero then super girl, Wonder Woman, captain marvel, black widow, scarlet witch etc...... plenty of girl hero’s like there’s plenty of boy Disney characters a boy could dress as.

SueEllenMishke · 19/07/2020 10:42

FFS I knew this thread would make me angry.
Let kids be kids and dress up and okay with whatever toys they want to.
Kids don't make an issues of it in unless adults teach them to.

WendyHoused · 19/07/2020 10:42

@Alabamawhirly1

Letting little boys cross dress is opening up a can of worms. Your ds doesn't know that it's unusual for boys to dress in girls clothes - but by letting him do so you could be starting him on a path to pubity blockers and genital mutilation

Just to be clear, I'm not saying letting boys cross dress turns them trans. What I'm saying is at the moment wider society is telling boys that like girls stuff that they are trans. So I wouldn't feel safe letting my son dress in girls clothes incase others in his life (teachers, school mates) starting pushing the idea on him that he was trans.

That could cause a lot of confusion for a child and they could end up blindly walking down the trans path.

Until all society sees boys in dresses as normal play and not being a girl trapped in a boys body - it's not somthing I would encourage.

Until people like OP (and her recalcitrant DH) let their little boys wear dresses, how will it “become normal.”

FWIW it is absolutely normal for 3yo boys to wear princess dresses. I volunteered for years at a toddler group and many little boys wore the princess costume as well as the knight or the lion. No one batted an eye.

LolaSmiles · 19/07/2020 10:43

Perhaps this is wrong but he has every right to say how he feels without everyone saying he's a sexist, homophobia
He does, but equally I think it's important to examine why some adults feel strongly that their boys shouldn't do dance / shouldn't wear pink / shouldn't cry or show emotion / should man up etc.
If you dig beneath the surface it does seem to boil down to:

  • there's something wrong with stereotypically girly things
  • enjoying anything vaguely feminine or outside set male stereotypes is a little bit gay
Tanith · 19/07/2020 10:45

"I am very worried about his reaction in front of my son - I obviously can’t buy him the outfit for exactly that reason."

Rather than buy the actual costume, could you buy some fabric in the Frozen colours and design?
A length of shiny aqua fabric and a length of lacy snowflake fabric should do it, and it's much more versatile than a dress.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 19/07/2020 10:47

Haha this is hilarious, call these arguments, including op and her husband ....meanwhile the toddler has now decided he wants to be a dolphin.

Talk about over reactions, this one's getting in the Mail for sure Blush

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 19/07/2020 10:48
  • all these arguments
SueEllenMishke · 19/07/2020 10:48

youbigdosser what do you think will happen if your daughter dresses up as a male superhero?
How far would you take it? What about role models in general? What of she wanted to enter a traditionally male dominated career?

Sometimeswinning · 19/07/2020 10:49

@LolaSmiles I completely agree and i am always quick to point out to my son and dh certain terms like man up and cry like a girl are complete rubbish. The most impact that has had surprisingly has been on my dd10. Dh has made some changes to his attitude, it's a slow process though!

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 10:52

youbigdosser what do you think will happen if your daughter dresses up as a male superhero?

Can she dress as a lion, an elephant?

Or are different species fine, but different sexes not?

CatsArePeopleToo · 19/07/2020 10:53

You both are overthinking this.
Also dress up and go where? Play at home - fine, to school - maybe not a good idea.
But I wouldn't buy a costume as they are horrid and a waste of money.

Youbigdosser · 19/07/2020 10:58

I will teach my girls to be girls and boys to be boys. That’s my culture.

SmileEachDay · 19/07/2020 11:00

I will teach my girls to be girls and boys to be boys. That’s my culture

Can you expand on this?

SueEllenMishke · 19/07/2020 11:03

youbigdosser
That makes me really sad for your children.

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 11:04

I will teach my girls to be girls and boys to be boys.

What does this even mean?

Will you educate your girl for example? That’s not considered necessary in some cultures.

Mistressiggi · 19/07/2020 11:06

Perhaps this is wrong but he has every right to say how he feels without everyone saying he's a sexist, homophobia!
So it's ok to say something sexist and homophobic but not ok to call someone out for this?
I totally see where the dad is coming from given the society we live in but he is wrong (and overreacting as it will probably be a nine days wonder). But I wonder if the OP always runs toy ideas past her dh before buying them? It wouldn't have occurred to me to "ask".

Alabamawhirly1 · 19/07/2020 11:09

So tell them that there’s no such thing as ‘girls’ stuff and they can like what they like. Problem solved

It's a bit nieve to think you're the only voice that will influence your child. Their peir group, TV and now the Internet will have just as big if not more of an impact. And they will not be telling them that its perfectly normal for a boy to be going out and about in a princess dress.

You’ll be waiting a long time for that. Which makes you part of the problem really.

If you want your kids to be picked on to prove a point then crack on. I remember being a kid and the odd balls are the ones that get bullied.

Youbigdosser · 19/07/2020 11:10

Yes of course they will be educated.
I’ll teach them my culture and if they chose not to follow it that’s up to them.
Yes it’s old fashioned and that’s what I agree with.

Miseryl · 19/07/2020 11:10

4 year old DD has dress up clothes of Marshall (male pup) and unisex builders' outfit. She also has "boy" paw patrol wellies/dressing gown/pyjamas (everything with Marshall on is always in the boys section). She also used to wear Thomas T shirts etc but has outgrown him now.

Plenty of people have seen her in these outfits/pictures on social media but no one ever bad an eyelid. She also chose to have her own hair cut into a shortish bob, which is very different to most little girls with long locks. No one ever comments adversely including older people.

She has also recently started football training and again nothing but positive comments.

But I do wonder if this is due to society's misogyny in that it is more acceptable for a girl to like stereotypical "boy" things than vice versa because they are seen as "better" than traditionally feminine things?