I’m not allowed to touch my grandson😢

[DameLucy]

So long story short. Grandson was born week before lock down. We saw and held him in hospital and when he first came home. Lovely💕 now since lockdown we only see him at a distance. It’s heartbreaking. He’s now 4 months and his mum (my daughter) even wipes his hands when he inadvertently touches me. It’s breaking my heart. This is my only grandchild 😢 can’t see things changing any time soon although she’s happy for me to see him “at a distance” . I’m expected to have him 3 days a week when she goes back to work in 3 month time - which I’m totally happy about but I’m so concerned the poor little lad won’t even know us. I just want to cry 😢

To be really honest, if you expect your mum to not see anyone just so they can socially distance from your baby I think you need to give your head a wobble. My mum is socially distancing from my daughter (her choice), but I also don't tell her she can and can't go anywhere! Op, just start meeting with friends, go for a wine, for a coffee, out for lunch. Take control of your life and free time and you might feel more positive. 3 months time and you'll have him to yourself loads for lots of cuddles.

You and your daughter both sound quite dramatic OP. Just in different directions.

As for 'you need to spend a day in my shoes...' - what do you think the rest of us have been doing since March? You have a daughter you're close to and see a lot of, you're retired so have lots of time, you've got a healthy grandchild. You've got so much to be grateful for and so much more than many others. Calm down.

Could you on arrival put alcohol hand gel on your hands and explain you've done this to your daughter or show her you doing it? So she knows your hands are clean!

I’m with one of the PP, I’m. Im more petrified of us passing it to my parents but they are the ones who are keen to see us/touch my kids, and that’s the decision they’ve made after weighing it all up.

It will be traumatic for DS to be handed over for full days to someone he doesn’t know.

Will it? What are you basing that assumption on? I wish people wouldn't throw the word "traumatic" around with little to no understanding of how trauma actually works. Many, many children of working parents are 'handed over' to people they don't know initially. Do you think every baby who has ever been left in the care of a Nursery or Childminder is left "traumatised"? Or do they mostly just have a few tears to start with and then once they get to know them are completely fine

I have not allowed my daughter to hug any of her grandparents. They all keep asking but I'm trying to keep them all safe. Until we get the go ahead. I know it's hard and we've all discussed it but it would break my heart more if my parents caught it and were no longer around to give a hug ever again.

If you are keeping yourself socially isolated at her insistence and she still won't let you hold the baby then she is being VV unreasonable.

Maybe tell her to think about different childcare and how "safe" would that be.

So sorry, OP. I wonder if she has PND.

@welcometohell

Most nurseries have settling in sessions, where the kid is left on their own for an hour then two then 3 then 4 before they just start. So I don’t get where OP is coming from. If she can’t touch her grandson and isn’t left alone with him it will be a huge shock For both!

Yabu.Stop being selfish and put your grandson and DIL’a needs before yours.

@lilgreen

Do read the thread properly before opening mouth. It's her daughter not her daughter in law.

I found this very sad. It must be really scary to have a baby in the middle of pandemic. Even in normal circumstances, first time mothers can be OTT with PFB. But yet Op is me me me, and saying I can do this, I can do that etc., instead of worrying about her dd's MH and how scared she may be.

I made a typo. Don’t be so rude! Makes no difference if DD or DIL.

I had a degree of sympathy for you OP because I know how hard it is not being able to be close to family members etc at the moment until you made a comment about being reprimanded for accidentally touching the pram (that you bought) and now I just think you sound like a spoiled brat.

Think about how anxious your DD must be right now instead of anything else.

lilgreen, I felt exactly the same as you when I read the comment made by Dom. Some people like to pick tiniest things to attack others and make them feel better.

Thank you.

OP... I'd have a chat with her about what she now plans to do in 3 months time...make sure old arrangement still stands. Also ask what you can and can't do with baby.

I'd also tell her that you will isolate (like you are already doing) for two weeks prior to start but that for the sake of your mental health you will now being going out as per government guidance as its not as if touching baby... You are keeping 2m away from baby ... And following rules when out..
So you will be meeting friends outside etc...

I think not meeting others and socialising as you normally would help you feel better.

I understand she is really nervous, but you shouldnt be stuck in house

@MrsTidyHouse In Scotland children can get close to adults. They specifically said grandparents can hug their grandchildren now when they relaxed the rules.

The reason is coronavirus. My SIL had a baby during lockdown. It’s her third. We all - and I mean all in a large family - held the babies from the start but no one has held the new baby and she is now 3 months. We are all respecting and understand the mothers decision. Coronavirus is not gone. Even if the chance of baby getting it is tiny who wants to take that chance. There is a lot we don’t know about the virus and also don’t know a lot about how strong the babies immune system will be at that early age. I think my SIL is doing the right thing for her peace of mind and she has enough to be dealing with like the rest of us in this new world.

I wouldn’t say anything. You will become very close with your grandson when you mind him. We are unfortunately living in an unprecedented times and normal experiences of everything important like new babies and weddings etc are unfortunately on hold.

I should add I went to visit a friend who has a 5 month old now. She practically threw all her other babies at me the minute I arrived but neither of us held this baby and she didn’t offer/we didn’t ask. I am visiting my best friend and her new baby next week and assume same rules will apply. So it’s not just your daughter and my SIL.

OP the WHO said recently that people can listen to govt guidance and follow the science but ultimately they are the ones that need to make decisions. I've read 3 threads in the last 2 days where people are concerned about people being ott but then so many others that people who claim they're out and about and mixing within guidelines livid because they're seeing people not adhering to guidelines, not wearing masks etc. She may be ott but that ultimately will keep her little one safe, we dont know wh as t way things are going to go and while child numbers are tiny, last week in Florida 1700 children tested positive so unfortunately there's still a chance.

@vikingwife

You sound really entitled & histrionic. We are all walking in your shoes. Your shoes are no more unique than anyone else’s.

The way you describe wanting to cry while visiting your grandson but can’t hold him has my eyes rolling. Two members of my family have had babies during covid & have not been able to even visit them yet. You’re sat in the same room but it’s still not good enough for you? Get a grip love.

It sounds quite rude & passive aggressive to point out that it’s a pram you paid for - so because you gifted a pram you should be entitled to touch the baby? And if you can’t touch him well then screw that you’re going to go out to the pub with friends ? Do whatever you like, it’s your choice. Your daughter also has the right to choose how she protects her child during the covid crisis.

Have you put yourself in your daughter’s shoes as a stressed new mother? This post sounds really self centred. It’s like the OP thinks we can’t possibly imagine how awful her situation is - this is really quite a mild problem, many have had it way worse this year.

Exactly this

OverTheRainbow88 it was the inappropriate use of the word "traumatised" that I was objecting to. I don't mean to be pedantic but I work with children who are genuinely traumatised so it's a pet hate of mine. It's along the same lines of people saying "I'm so OCD" because they like things to be tidy.
I completely accept that it's not ideal for OP to start looking after her DGS without spending time alone with him first. But to say it will cause the child "trauma" is ridiculous. She is clearly spending time with him regularly, at a close enough distance for him to "inadvertently touch" her so she is not a stranger. I know plenty of parents who've had to leave their children in childcare settings without a lengthy settling in process for various reasons and they've been ok.

@DameLucy

Daughter and I are extremely close. I’ve chosen not to mix because I really want to have a relatationship with my first grandchild. I feel so rubbish when we’re out and I can’t even touch him. I get reprimanded if i accidentally touch his pram (which i bought) I know I sound like a drama queen but when you’re watching other people on fb I just think it’s unreasonable.

You sound like a drama queen because you are acting like one. Grow up. Do you really think your daughter is doing this to hurt your feelings? She has a tiny baby and tonnes of hormones flooding through her veins making her feel fiercely protective of that baby.

Also, she's following the rules. Who gives a shit what people on Facebook are doing??

OP your daughter is sticking to the rules and doing what she can to protect her newborn baby. Lockdown is very tough for so many people, grandparents are a good example of that. Because you are finding it hard isn't a reason for her to risk the health of her baby. You are coming across as spoilt and demanding.

You need to adjust to the fact that this is your grandchild and it's a different relationship to when you were a parent.

You need to get a grip.

I'm due end of August, and there's no way my mother will be getting anywhere near DD for the foreseeable future. She's been all over the place since lockdown 'eased'. It's just not worth the risk.

There are two different issues here. If your daughter has decided she wants you to socially distance from your grandchild then you need to follow her wishes. She is following the rules. However, it's very unfair of her to ask you to shield so that you can see your grandchild at a distance. This is not part of the rules and she is policing your life unfairly. You're absolutely in your rights to bring this up with her, though I would do it gently as she does sound extremely anxious.

My niece is now 3mths old. No omes held her at all. I appreciate they are following official guidelines.