to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

[strawberrymilkshakemonkey]

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

You could of just sent a message of how about our next meet up is the girls only lockdown has been though and we could all do with a bit of girly time without the guys! I think your message was very rude and likely to push her further away xxx

@Achangeagain1

Reminds me, a friend invited her boyfriend of 12 weeks to my hen do (without even asking). I now have some random bloke in my hen do photos...

@WantToBeMum

I'm not sure if the posters who think the message was rude, also think the bringing the man along was rude?

I honestly don't think it's rude to bring a partner along to a casual meet up in a park or a walk etc. I would assume my partner was invited unless someone said otherwise and if I was the organiser I would assume my friends would bring their partners if they wanted to come along. But then judging from some of the comments I'm more mature than a lot of the posters here. If I wanted to spend time alone with a friend I would arrange exactly that and tell them so.

I may well be more 'mature' than you.

If I arrange to see my 'girlfriends' then we don't bring our husbands.

If we want to go out with our husbands then we say so.

You probably would have got a better result by making the next invitation to a 'girls night' etc and maybe adding a sentence about looking forward to having a catch up in a make free zone. Makes people feel less awkward. A lot of people don't respond well to directness.

OP, have you done something with partners so you all had a chance to get to know him?

@Fishypants similar happened on mine! Friends boyfriend “happened” to be at the club we went to - not local, not a proper club either - like a dance floor in a restaurant. Funny enough we don’t speak now.

Not a message to deliver via social media, OP! Was there no opportunity for you to have a quiet word?
And seconding those upthread who've commented on the confrontational and aggressive language. Using 'we' sounds like everyone's on board with *your" comments. Anyone who got a message like that would be upset at the idea that their friends had ganged up together to bitch about them! I'm willing to bet that the wider group won't be happy with you deciding to speak for them, either. You might find you've lost more than one friend over this. Not kind, not clever.

@Nanny0gg well it sounds like a mixed group and it’s a walk in the park - just after lockdown where we’ve all been stuck inside.

Not the monthly girls night out or whatever

Christ, you sound awful. You’re sure this isn’t a reverse?!

While I agree with you on principle, if it’s the first relationship she’s had in a while she obviously is still in the excited / can’t be without him phase and a gentle word would have sufficed. You also say that you don’t know him well / he comes to too much stuff - you can’t have it both ways, him coming to stuff is a good way of getting to know him.

I’d have been really upset to receive that message though. Unnecessarily harsh and abrasive.

You called her 'entitled' and 'disrespectful'.
These are confrontational words.And rude.
Why on earth would you put that in a text rather than a more general message in Group Chat along the lines of "let's make this next meet-up women only", or better still, an actual conversation :" I'm sure your bf is lovely, but we do like to see you by yourself sometimes"?

OP,

I did something similar, I was upset with a friend over something she'd done and sent her a strongly worded email, thinking I was being assertive and strong.

My friend fell out with me and even though we subsequently made up, even 10 years later our friendship never fully recovered. I wish I could turn the clock back and delete that damn email but I have to accept the consequences of my actions. I was wrong.

If you want to salvage the friendship I'd contact her and say sorry and that you never meant to hurt her. You can then discuss the issue without it escalating again.

It's weird whatever the perceived misdemeanour was, you don't want the result to be the end of a friendship, which will be the one thing years from now you'll remember and not that her boyfriend attended a few gatherings.

I wouldn’t be arsed if my friend brought their fella along, if it makes them feel comfortable or whatever. Plus I’d want to get to know him anyway.
If we want ‘girls only’ which isn’t often as we’re a mixed group and there’s usually a couple of blokes, the group chat would say ‘let’s get the girls together for a picnic etc etc’ I’d be mildly annoyed if it was a pre planned girls only get together and people brought their fellas, but not enough to send a text about.

fair enough guys, messaged received. i should've chosen my words/method of delivery more carefully.
want to also confirm that the message wasn't worded in 'we' terms. it was more of a general statement that it changes the group dynamic. i wasn't speaking on behalf of anyone. but nonethtless, thanks for the feedback. there's an overarching consensus here. received.

I agree with others you were aggressive in response to her and it was totally unneeded theres no need to be unkind to her.

As you’ve reappeared @strawberrymilkshakemonkey can you confirm whether this is an exclusively female group - or like your OP says “mainly female”.

@Achangeagain1

As you’ve reappeared *@strawberrymilkshakemonkey* can you confirm whether this is an exclusively female group - or like your OP says “mainly female”.

its a female group

While I agree with you about not wanting him always there it would have been much nicer to word it that you would love to see more of her on her own And that you miss just girl time you came across very hash in my opinion

I can't stand people who think the rest of their friends enjoy the company of their boyfriend or girlfriend. No he's your boyfriend so you hang out with him, don't force him onto everybody else.

You know what OP, I'm a little impressed that you have responded given that we've all been blunt in our posts, so I respect that.

Could you find it in you to reach out and apologise to your friend and have a kinder conversation about her bringing him along, or rather not to bring him along so much.

Also, I would personally try to arrange a get together (rules permitting) of friends and their partners, that way the BF can meet more friends in a mixed group dynamic.

Well done for accepting what has been said. You obviously don’t have to acknowledge the criticism of random people on the internet. But you have done so graciously. And it is to your credit.

Fair enough. I would apologise.
It or ably won’t salvage the friendship between you (sorry but I wouldn’t be able to come back from a message like that) but it will at least help your case if this bleeds out to the wider group.

Don't be surprised if the rest of the group turns on you people don't like others speaking for them and no one likes a bitch.

👍 Fair play to you OP for taking the comments on the chin.

@Rainbunny

You know what OP, I'm a little impressed that you have responded given that we've all been blunt in our posts, so I respect that.

Could you find it in you to reach out and apologise to your friend and have a kinder conversation about her bringing him along, or rather not to bring him along so much.

Also, I would personally try to arrange a get together (rules permitting) of friends and their partners, that way the BF can meet more friends in a mixed group dynamic.

i totally own up to the fact i was rather blunt. i know it's an issue I have, and tbh why would I ask for feedback on mn of all places if i weren't prepared to be slated.

i think one of my issues is that i compartmentalise my life, i really dont get these couples who cant seem to spend a minute apart and I also think my concern for my friend's rarther manipulative behaviour (see earlier posts about her hating his friends) is jading my perspectieve a little, i also think her constant over sharing on facebook about the relationship has already got my back up and means im not overly fussed to spend time with them as a couple as i find them a bit cringey and overly PDA together.

I'm in no way trying to come off as a victim or as a totally innocent being whose done nothing wrong. we've been friends for absolutely years and in general have quite a blunt and banterous relationship, but i get that maybe i misjudged it. who knows

You are right that she shouldn’t invite her boyfriend to women only meet ups without asking but I think all you needed to say was ‘remember everyone, it’s ladies only!’