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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A sons a son....

249 replies

curious33 · 18/07/2020 07:50

'A sons a son until he finds a wife but a daughters a daughter for all of your life'

Curious to know peoples experiences of this in real life... heard the phrase for the first time yesterday. AIBU to not know how much truth there is in it and to be taking it a little bit to heart now as a mum of two boys?

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 18/07/2020 18:07

Like a pp said, lazy stereotype.

Just to play devil’s advocate, in the cases where is does happen, maybe it’s saying more about the DIL than the son 🤷🏼‍♀️

diddl · 18/07/2020 18:09

" I have to instigate the visits."

Why?

As an adult, can he not decide for himself when to contact/see his parents?

BillywigSting · 18/07/2020 18:28

Also to those saying mn proves the saying right, how many people do you think post asking for advice about a difficult relationship compared to a good one?

Confirmation bias in action.

EmbarrassedUser · 18/07/2020 18:34

This is something I worry about secretly, especially as I only have one son ☹️ However, in reality I know that it actually depends on the individual person. MIL has 3 sons and speaks to my DH daily and one of my brother in laws very regularly. The other brother in law often goes AWOL. I guess it can go either way.

mbosnz · 18/07/2020 18:35

With reference to my brother and brother in law, they are both very close to their mother and attentive. However, as far as they are concerned, their sister had the lion's share of their mother's love and support, which, she did.

I refuse to do 'wife work', outside of saying, 'when did you last ring your mother?'. It's up to him when it comes to birthday, Christmas, and suchlike. He's pretty good, on the whole. She's his mother, not mine!

BenWyatt · 18/07/2020 18:36

It’s bollocks designed by the patriarchy to absolve men of responsibility for their relationships and to lay that all at the door of women.

Almostfifty · 18/07/2020 18:37

Load of shite. I wasn't close to my parents, but am to my in-laws, who wanted to be involved in their grandchildren's lives.

They're still very close to them now they're all in their twenties.

Namechangecringe · 18/07/2020 18:46

This saying actually damaged my husbands relationship with his parents to a really sad degree.

Jocundest · 18/07/2020 18:52

It’s bollocks designed by the patriarchy to absolve men of responsibility for their relationships and to lay that all at the door of women.

Exactly. And it's still working alarmingly well, judging by the number of posters on this thread who say they have to remind their husbands to phone their parents, and manage birthday cards, visits, Christmas arrangements for his family.

It's pretty much 'Men can't see dirt because their testicles get in the way, bless them', but applied to relations with their family.

Alsohuman · 18/07/2020 18:58

@BenWyatt

It’s bollocks designed by the patriarchy to absolve men of responsibility for their relationships and to lay that all at the door of women.
It hasn’t persisted for many decades for no reason. And it’s nothing of the sort, it describes perfectly what happens with many men when their partner takes a dislike to their mother. Which, as we can see from the plethora of mil threads, happens all too often. Bugger all to do with patriarchy, that’s just lazy cod feminism.
AliasGrape · 18/07/2020 18:58

Was sort of true in my brother’s case in that he made far less effort to contact/spend time with my mum than my sisters and I did. I know my mum was sad about it and I think it was easier for her to think of it as SIL ‘taking him away’ but the reality was that’s just how brother is, just not that arsed really! Now our mum is no longer here it’s us sisters who are in more regular contact, see more of each other etc. Brother would be less likely to contact us out of the blue or suggest a get together, but we all get on well and enjoy it when we do spend time together.

On the other hand my DH is very close to his parents and we see them a lot - as in a few times a week at least (I could stand it to be a bit less to be honest but I’m not going to come between them). It’s a rare day he doesn’t speak to them at least once - though it’s less for a chat and generally more practical things. His brother lives abroad but is in regular contact too, both with DH and with their parents, and visits a few times a year.

My ex as well was very close to his family and spoke to his mum every day.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 18/07/2020 19:13

My sons are both married and have moved away. One of them rings me once a week the other less often but both of them respond to messages straight away and hug the life out of me when they come home. When one son comes home he and his wife stay with her mum but they spend lots of time with us as well.

mbosnz · 18/07/2020 19:26

I'm very fond of my MIL. Very fond. I could go so far as to say I love her. But she's not my Mum, I'm not her daughter, and we have a very different relationship from the mother daughter relationship. The person who has the responsibility to put effort into the parent child relationship is both the parent, and the child. Not the in-law.

phoenixrosehere · 18/07/2020 19:50

Just to play devil’s advocate, in the cases where is does happen, maybe it’s saying more about the DIL than the son

How is this devil’s advocate when a son is an adult and can make contact with his parents whenever he chooses regardless of his wife’s feelings and thoughts. It’s his choice and responsibility regardless, not his wife’s.

Surviving1 · 18/07/2020 20:22

Don't know if the saying applies to my parents.

I grew up abroad. Every Sunday morning my Father wrote an airmail letter to his mother who lived in England. Most Sunday lunches started with my mother being very rude about my Gran, her mother in law.

Don't know if Dad was wrong to write to his mother. Some of me thinks he should have put his kids first.

This was a long time ago. Well before the internet and when transatlantic phone calls were expensive - or perhaps they caused even more stress.

Sarahbeans · 18/07/2020 21:48

*"Just to play devil’s advocate, in the cases where is does happen, maybe it’s saying more about the DIL than the son

How is this devil’s advocate when a son is an adult and can make contact with his parents whenever he chooses regardless of his wife’s feelings and thoughts. It’s his choice and responsibility regardless, not his wife’s."*

Exactly @Phoenixrose. The majority of the time I see my parents, I do by myself. I'd say 80-90% of the time I go visit them. I'm also the one who calls them... I can't see why DH couldn't do the same. He's a grown man, he can drive, he knows how to operate the phone. Truth is, he just can't be arsed. Not sure why his relationship with his parents has to be down to me.

Osirus · 19/07/2020 02:01

I believe this statement has a lot of truth in it (why else would it exist?!).

I have 5 brothers and 5 sisters. Although the men are in contact, it’s irregular and sometimes don’t see my mother for months. The wife’s family takes first place in every case. The mother of the son is an afterthought.

The same is true for my husband’s family. My MIL had two boys. Both in contact, but she is not a priority to either of them. She is usually first to make contact. Maybe see her every 2 weeks? I see my mother three times a week or so. I don’t interfere with my DH’s relationship with his mother at all - it’s down to him to see/speak to her; it’s not for me to prompt him.

I genuinely believe that men just don’t have the inclination to keep in regular contact once they have another woman in their life. Women form bonds differently and I think are more biologically programmed to nurture a number of relationships simultaneously, perhaps to do with the maternal instinct? Women, biologically, need to be able to do this to be successful mothers.

Just my view based on very ancient ideas! When all is said and done, we are still wired into our very basic natural instincts. It’s why breastfeeding works so well - for sleep, health, protection and forming unconditional bonds with your baby, and why harsh unnatural treatment of babies (cry it out for one) can be detrimental. Going with your instincts and against what society expects can sometimes be far healthier and make for a far happier life for you. The same goes for different relationships.

Men are just lazier at relationships. The wife usually finds the MIL to be a pain (no blood relation, no lifelong family history, just a woman that’s been inherited through marriage) and therefore won’t try to encourage much contact. Not a popular opinion, but I view my MIL as some random woman that I now have to incorporate into my life and I don’t think I’m the only DIL who feels this way. It doesn’t matter how nice they are, it’s often an awkward relationship even on the best terms.

missyoumuch · 19/07/2020 02:10

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

My sons are both married and have moved away. One of them rings me once a week the other less often but both of them respond to messages straight away and hug the life out of me when they come home. When one son comes home he and his wife stay with her mum but they spend lots of time with us as well.
No offense but responding to messages and hugging you when they visit is bare minimum of what you’d expect of an adult child!
SnuggyBuggy · 19/07/2020 06:34

@BenWyatt

It’s bollocks designed by the patriarchy to absolve men of responsibility for their relationships and to lay that all at the door of women.
Exactly
ivfdreaming · 19/07/2020 06:45

I'm close to my parents as is my sister. But my DH isn't with his parents but they don't come across as very loving/interested in our lives either? More like as soon as he was married they reduced contact and stopped bothering etc? My BIL on the other hand is very close to his parents? So I think it depends very much on the person and the parents

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/07/2020 06:56

It depends! It’s true for my husband although my friend moved next door but one to his mum, he’s a successful dad of 4 but is still crazy close to his mum.

majesticallyawkward · 19/07/2020 07:20

@osirus there are so many problems with your post I don't even know where to start.

Just my view based on very ancient ideas!

Probably sums it up. So outdated. You are saying men are absolved of any responsibility to need or maintain relationships outside of the family home once they have a wife and women can't accept any 'outsider' females.

You understand an adult man is just that, an adult, and capable of having more than one healthy relationship? It sounds like the men in your life are selfish and lazy but excused because of views like yours.

I am so proud the males in my life are actual functioning and decent people.

Poetryinaction · 19/07/2020 07:35

My dh is closer to his mum than I am to mine.

Jocundest · 19/07/2020 07:48

The people saying that ‘it must be true, otherwise the saying wouldn’t exist’ might want to engage their brains and think about other manifestly objectively untrue pieces of ‘conventional wisdom’ like ‘Only the good die young’, ‘A watched pot never boils’, ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, or ‘The grass is always greener on the other side’.

Mumtumwobble · 19/07/2020 07:56

We only live a few miles away from dh parents so we see them regularly. Much more than my mum who lives 300 miles away. If my mum lived closer we’d probably see her about the same amount as dh parents.

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