A sons a son....

[curious33]

'A sons a son until he finds a wife but a daughters a daughter for all of your life'

Curious to know peoples experiences of this in real life... heard the phrase for the first time yesterday. AIBU to not know how much truth there is in it and to be taking it a little bit to heart now as a mum of two boys?

It does depend to a large extent on the son’s choice of partner.

Some women seem determined to alienate their dh’s family. You see it all the time on here - all the talk of “our little family” and how a dh is a mummy’s boy or should cut the apron strings if he so much as dares to fit in his parents for two hours on 28th December, yet it’s perfectly ok for the same poster to speak to her dm twice a day and spend every high day and holiday with her side.

Also there are also the women who are very close to their own family and are not mean to the in-laws, but just don’t include them. Sil is like this: no hostility, but she wouldn’t in a million years spend Christmas or any event apart from her own side. Bil sees his family by himself on the odd occasion.

First post, op? And one aimed at gathering other people’s personal experiences? And, as yet, not one response?

I think you must have forgotten to log into your MNHQ account mushy, it’s showing as normal white, not blue.

In general it is true. The in laws I know who have a good relationship with their sons are the ones who also have a good relationship with their DIL. In general women foster the family relationships and any smart woman knows the importance of the MIL/DIL dynamic and if she has a son she will work at it. I don’t know why so many men are like this. I guess it’s laziness and they just opt for the easiest life. I only know 1 gay couple so I’m not sure how that dynamic works in as much detail.

I agree that the majority of men prioritise the woman they are currently with and will do whatever it takes to appease her. This includes fathering more children, abandoning existing children and so on.

@lukasiak

Should also add, relies a lot on the wife's personality too. For me, I am extremely family oriented and so have always made every effort to fully involve both sets of my in-laws and intergrate myself into their families. Even now with my late husband's parents, Ds16, Dd13 and I still go and have dinner with them once a month and I still very much view them as members of my family. My current MIL isn't my favorite person, but in the same way I cannot choose my own family, I cannot choose my husband's. She's still family, so I make it work. Also helps that I am not territorial/sensitive in any way, so always happy to spread my babies and children around and chill when they poke their nose in where perhaps they shouldn't.

That’s such a lovely post. Your family’s so lucky to have you.

Men prioritise partners over and above other relationships

This is generally true.

It's why men can walk away from a marriage and barely see the kids, and go on to have another family with another woman and be an involved father.

My DH is far closer to his parents than I am to mine.

I quite like my in-laws, they are warm lovely people but we are not particularly close. DH's relationship to them is separate to mine. My boys are also close to that set of grandparents. My mum drops in and out (which is also fine and how we tend to roll).

My sons owe me nothing. I have my own life and I assume they will have theirs.

I hope we will remain close, but who knows. Mine are now 16 and 10 and obviously my relationship with them is not as close as when they are little. It would be weird if it was. They don't need me as much. Which is as it should be.

Jocundest I think a woman’s working status is irrelevant. I think it’s rather who has a stronger personality. If someone makes it difficult for the other partner to see their family, then they “win”. It doesn’t have to be outright cessation of relations, but can be things like groaning if granny rings, or being always booked up for Christmas and birthdays. Eventually for the sake of peace one partner gives in and goes with the flow - that flow being not pushing seeing their side of the family.

I have one of each and all I can say is I hope my son ends up like his dad. It helps that his mum is the loveliest, kindest woman. We live about a mile away and are looking to move closer. I've been on holiday with her just us two before (shared hobby) and from the very first time she met me she was nothing but kind or welcoming.

I think it helps that she and DH's dad were a great love story (she was widowed relatively young) and all she wants for her son is the same kind of thing so she was chuffed when we got together, married and had kids. If she had thought I messed him about or didn't adore him she might not feel as friendly!

We see her multiple times a week, separately and together (more than my parents at the moment sadly because they are further away and thus not easily visitable in lockdown) and she is a big part of our lives.

Another issue (I’m on a roll here!) is whose side is more “fun”.

I know one mil who was sidelined because all she had to offer visit-wise was a small estate house in a dull town. The other in-laws had a house by the beach, boat, and were lively people. Of course it was no contest for the gc who they wanted to go and stay with.

@prettybluepigeons I have definitely come across this attitude among other new mums I've met since having children. The MIL can often do no right and can be seen as an inconvenience. It's quite stark and made me make even more effort to include my MIL as much as possible.

As it turns out, now that DS is past the baby stage I much prefer letting MIL have him as she does loads with him, whereas my own mum is very risk averse and doesn't venture out much now that he's not secured in a pram.

I think it depends on what kind of MIL you turn out to be.

Or what sort of DiL you end up with @SisterAgatha?

My husband is really close with his mum, has a long phone call with her every week and we see her a lot (lives about 1hr drive away, 1.5 in traffic)

Helps that shes a lovely mum and MIL and I am of course an excellent DIL

It has been correct on the whole from my experience. DH has 2 sisters and they’re much closer to their parents than he is. I have a sister and brother and my sister and I are closer to my parents than my brother...

It seems to be the same for pretty much all my friends too...

The thing is a lot of the examples on here of men being close to their parents don't actually sound very involved. So yes, they may be close emotionally, but a couple of visits a year and a weekly phone call doesn't equate to really being in each others lives. It's certainly not comparable to a lot of the women I know who go shopping every week with their mums or for a coffee or lunch every week etc

I'm estranged from my mother for good reason, ex-h and his mother are extremely close and in regular contact etc. It's a bit daft to generalise.

Do you know what kisses me off? That if a man is close to his mum he is a mummy's boy but if a woman is close to her mum, that is completely fine and normal.

This kind of shit starts in pregnancy when some women get disappointed to find out they're having a boy because if they had a girl they could go for spa days and all that kind of shit.

Kisses!! Ha! Pisses!

Daft generalisation, not something to worry over.

I'm female and can't think of anything worse than a spa day. I was also delighted to have a son. Shall I leave now .

I think in life you often reap what you sow. My Grandmother has two sons and has had three daughters in law. She is the kindest person you could meet and has very close relationships with both sons, all threr daughters in law (including the ex wife) and all her grandchildren.
I'm very close to my MIL who has been wonderful to me. If you are a positive person who builds good relationships then this stands you in good stead. I have two boys and hope to replicate my lovely Grandma's approach to life if/when they bring home partners in the future!

I think it happens more in families where there are children of both sexes and it is expected that the girl/s will be close to their mum and later on, provide care, whilst the mum doesn't develop such a close relationship with her boy/s. That's what I've seen in my extended family anyway. The families I know with only sons seem to be as close as the ones with only daughters.

That is not true in my experience. When we registered my son's birth I asked the clerk at the town hall how it must be hard registering all the deaths and he said by far, the most devastated people were sons grieving their mother.

I also know of plenty of sons who cared for their mothers during illness/dementia etc and I know daughters who do too.

Making stupid generalisations about people's behaviour based purely on their gender hasn't really got us very far in other aspects of society (eg all women love pink and are girly!) so I dont see why this would be applicable either!