A sons a son....

[curious33]

'A sons a son until he finds a wife but a daughters a daughter for all of your life'

Curious to know peoples experiences of this in real life... heard the phrase for the first time yesterday. AIBU to not know how much truth there is in it and to be taking it a little bit to heart now as a mum of two boys?

Formerbabe, distance can be a factor as well as shared interests. I'm not sure many men would fancy a potter round Marks and Spencers with their mum on a weekend. Is the mum going to join her son watching football in the pub instead? They can call in for a coffee if they're local though or find common ground on things to do together.

I'd like to think I'll see plenty of both of my children and their partners and do what I can to make it a really good relationship.

My husband is really close to his mum and so am I. She never sees her daughter.

I think a lot of it also depends if all parties realise that relationships take effort.

My SIL complains all the time that MIL is closer to me, closer to my kids and makes out that MIL favours my children. At the same time she rebuffs every effort any of us make, is often downright rude and has a habit of having an emergency or something she needs urgent help for whenever BIL phones or visits. She seems to think you automatically get a real closeness with people, rather than having to build it.

Probably comes from the fact that statistically women do the majority of caring roles in our world; so are more likely to be helping parents out, facilitating a relationship with the grandkids and caring for them in old age.

Obviously family dynamics and personality play a large part though

My husband is close to his mum, but not as close as I am to my parents. My mil is brilliant tho so I’m pretty close to her, and try to ask evenly for help with kids. However his brother is very close to his mum. I really think it depends on the relationship you have with them, regardless of gender!

My DH is a lot closer to his parents since we've been married so from personal experience it's rubbish (still doesn't stop me worrying about it happening with my own DS though).
Incidentally, I'm not as close now to my parents as I once was but that's a whole other thread!

Not in my admittedly quite limited experience. I speak to my mum maybe 2/3 times a week via WhatsApp messages, with the occasional visit and even more occasional phonecall (the last one lasted nearly two hours as she doesn't stop talking). We get on well but certainly don't live in each other's pocket. She'll give me a hand if I need it and I'll help her out too if needed.

Dp on the other hand calls his mum on the way home from five days a week and another call at the weekend. Before lockdown would regularly visit (probably once a fortnight), and does most of her gardening and diy.

He also very firmly put her in her place when she acted like a total bell end towards me after ds was born, so he's not a mummy's boy as such. He has decent boundaries but is close to her.

My own mum much preferred her mil to her mum, understandably so.
My dad's mum was a lovely, kind, intelligent and non violent woman, who never laid a finger on any of her six children (despite it perfectly acceptable to do so at the time), didn't judge anyone, and welcomed my mum like one of her own despite being Irish Catholic and my mum being CofE. My parents are divorced now and have been for nearly 20 years but my mum was at the funeral of both my grandparents on my dad's side, and is often invited to things like birthdays and Christmas, because she and that side of my family get on so well.

My granny on my mum's side would be drunk when my mum came home from school at 3pm, would hit her with belts and slippers, told her and her sisters that their step father was her number one priority, nearly broke my mum's wrist, tried to invite a whole host of relatives my mum didn't know to her wedding (which would have meant her best friend wouldn't have had a space) and was generally pretty awful, judgemental, selfish and dramatic. I've been on the receiving end of this too from time to as an adult, and a great deal less respect for her now than I did as a child. My mum has put strong boundaries up now so takes less of her crap than she used to but she still bullies my aunts, calling them up drunk at 11 at night crying that she wants to be with her dead husband (he died 25 years ago).

I think it really depends on how you behave, as well as myriad other factors, that determines how close mothers are to their adult children, and gender has very little to do with it.

I have 3 married brothers and it's weird - they all love my mum and dad, good relationships, no issues etc but it just doesn't dawn on them to spend Christmas, New Years, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter, birthdays etc with them. It's always with their wife's family now.

So yes, I'm my experience you get demoted to the less important family.

This thread is weird. Whenever someone posts that their husband talks to his mum a lot he gets called a “mother’s boy” and it’s implied that this behaviour is odd and is unhealthy for his relationship with his wife. Yet no one bats an eyelid if a daughter rings her mum daily. Seems like men can’t really win in this scenario 🤷‍♀️

This goes back to when daughters were expected to look after their parents in old age. I don’t think it is so relevant now, although daughters to tend to favour their own mothers particularly when they have children.

There is nothing wrong with loving your child or your parent, but to say you love each other very very much when you are talking about parental love is odd.

No, it isn't. What a strange thing to say.

@Miseryl

The son may have a husband or not find a wife at all? It assumes a lot of things about people's lifestyles.

This is an old old saying . Why does everything have to get pulled up ?

Not for us - my relationship with my mum is strained and I adore my in laws and will happily see them as often as possible, my husband is very close to his parents

Because it's an archaic saying and not really relevant to the 21st century?

@BillywigSting

Because it's an archaic saying and not really relevant to the 21st century?

There’s nothing special about the 21st century. The human psyche didn’t suddenly change in 2000.

It’s based on centuries of human experience. We can see the evidence all over MN all the time. So many women who resent their partners’ mothers and will do absolutely anything to alienate them and their children. When you see a post from someone who likes and respects her mil it sticks out like a sore thumb.

Just from reading the MIL comments on MN I think it must be quite a regular problem !!

I find that saying very sad 😔
From my experience it isn't true, my auntie, my sister in law aren't the ones closest to their mothers. My Dad and my husband are. They also do a lot for their parents and my auntie and sister just bury their head in the sand. My brother in law and his brother also have lovely relationships with their parents.
Me and my sister have lovely relationships with our parents and if we were boys I couldn't see that being any different!

Formerbabe, distance can be a factor as well as shared interests. I'm not sure many men would fancy a potter round Marks and Spencers with their mum on a weekend

Yes exactly.

It's like brothers and sisters. I know brothers and sisters who get on well but don't spend time regularly together. Whereas sisters I know, including me and my dsis, will often do more together because they have more shared interests. I'll regularly go shopping with my sister, for coffee, do an exercise class together...I couldn't see that happening between a brother and sister.

My DH is one of three boys and all three are very close to their parents. I do think the closeness depends on upbringing. In my experience if you are brought up seeing grandparents and extended family Then you tend to follow suit which means you remain close to parents as adults.

My DB is also very close to DM.

Obviously people have different relationships with their parents but, IME, girls do visit their parents more. My brother visited his MIL with his wife a lot more than he visited our mum. I visited both my parents more than we visted DH's parents. He adored them but I always had to remind him that we should visit.

I do think, in general, that daughters are more caring and sons just fly off and do their own thing. (Possibly not most MNers though as lots seem to have mums who are narcissists. Probably not the best place to get a balanced view).

Mostly true in my experience. It seems a lot of people who say it’s not true have only sons (who they feel close to) but no daughters for comparison. So maybe it would only be obvious if you had a daughter anyway?

I visited both my parents more than we visted DH's parents. He adored them but I always had to remind him that we should visit.

Why not unpick why you felt it was your role to remind an adult man who you say 'adored' his parents that he should visit them? Did his testicles get in the way when he tried to block out some parent-visiting time in his diary or something?

Of my close friends, I would say that 6 out of 8 are couples where they are much closer to the woman's family than they are to the man's. In two cases, they are closer to the man's family, but for the two where the men's family are closer, there are reasons for that.

Generally speaking, out of my friendship group, how close they are to the man's family tend to depend on how well the mil / dil get on. If they're close, then it works well... if not then less so.

But most of my friends still live in more traditional relationships where the husband works full time. Almost all of my friends work part time, and still tend to do the wife work. Organising presents, Christmas etc...

Most of my friends tend to socialise with their mums, but less so with their mils. So tend to have days out with mums and their children... often during the week or school holidays. But interestingly, this tends to be more with their mums and not so much with their dads.

I would count myself in that category. I'm very close to my mum and regularly have shopping days / days out with her and my daughters etc. Not so much with my dad. DH calls his family when I nag him. He would love to emigrate to Australia. I won't leave my mum. He is not bothered about leaving his in the slightest.

Should also have said, of my 8 close friends, 5 socialise with their families but without their husbands amongst the ones that don't distance is the biggest factor.

None socialise with their mils without their husbands.

A couple of the husbands socialise independently with their dads (going to football matches etc) but this without the children. None socialise independently with their families without their wives.

Perhaps this is a reflection on the fact that all the men work full time, but most of the women do not.

No true for me. I'm completely non contact with all my family except my dad