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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A sons a son....

249 replies

curious33 · 18/07/2020 07:50

'A sons a son until he finds a wife but a daughters a daughter for all of your life'

Curious to know peoples experiences of this in real life... heard the phrase for the first time yesterday. AIBU to not know how much truth there is in it and to be taking it a little bit to heart now as a mum of two boys?

OP posts:
thelonelymoatedgrange · 18/07/2020 09:07

It’s also the case in some mammals, actually, although the sex varies. I think female elephants stay with their mothers for all their lives, while bulls don’t. The reverse could be true with orca. Not that I am comparing anyone’s children to elephants or orcas! Grin

TheFairyCaravan · 18/07/2020 09:08

My sons must be "man child mummy's boys" Hmm because they contact me every day. In the real world we're a close family who love each other and who want to share things with each other so we do.

Hippocampe · 18/07/2020 09:08

My Mil lives abroad so different circumstances I expect, and obviously we aren't as close due to the distance and her reluctance to visit the UK. She's lovely though, and I'm sure if she lived here, we'd be close and she'd be as involved in our lives as my mum. Dh needs constantly reminding frome me to text, call, send stuff to his mum, which is irritating when I talk to my mum daily, and his twice weekly, but I have to remind him she probably wants to speak to her own son occasionally and not just me! So in our case I'd say, unfortunately this statement rings true, dh would forget to contact his mum without my nagging, (good job I nag!) whereas I couldn't go a few days without speaking to mine. Just different relationships I guess, and obviously doesn't mean every son/daughter/mother relationship would be the same.

BrandNewShinyThings · 18/07/2020 09:08

My DH definitely does more for his DM than his two sisters. (They are both very self absorbed/selfish) In fact my MIL has often commented that I am more of a daughter to her than her own two daughters. Which makes me sad for her and also puts an extra burden on me as she gets older. I have a very close relationship with my own mum though.

thelonelymoatedgrange · 18/07/2020 09:08

It depends which societies you mean and why.

If a man abandoning his children carried with it even half the social disdain it does for a woman doing the equivalent then they probably would not do it, but I have given up hope of that happening!

Rhine · 18/07/2020 09:09

Whoever coined this saying obviously never met my Dad, who remained a devoted mummy’s boy until she passed away in her mid 90s!

randomer · 18/07/2020 09:09

Is this from Victorian times? Thats where it belongs.

thelonelymoatedgrange · 18/07/2020 09:10

You see brand I read that and I think I am not surprised ... a woman who says to her DIL you are more than a daughter to me than is probably not a mum I’d want to keep in close contact with.

DryIce · 18/07/2020 09:12

I think this is becoming less true as society changes.

Women have traditionally been expected to be the ones organising family things, maintaining relationships and providing the care. Men from boys were not encouraged to be especially emotional or proactively develop relationships. I like to think that is changing these days

itsmesoitis · 18/07/2020 09:14

I hate that saying! Someone ‘joked’ about it to MIL before our wedding and she really took it to heart.

Started pushing DH away and resenting the hell out of me.

If I hear her repeat it one more time when DH doesn’t do as he’s told I’ll scream!

GooodGolly · 18/07/2020 09:15

I absolutely hate this saying. Ive got 2 boys, they are still little at the moment so perhaps that's why. I don't think there's any truth in it, my husband is still close to his mum, he sees her most days and my brother is close to my mum. My dad was close to his mum...perhaps its all relative to how the boys are brought up iyswim

Jocundest · 18/07/2020 09:15

Men prioritise partners over and above other relationships. A mother will only very rarely abandon her children to pursue a new relationship: women are not saints, they have affairs, they break up families, but the children stay with her. This is not the case when the male equivalent if you like happens.

These are simply patterns of behaviour that signify there is a difference between the priority relationship if you like.

There's nothing at all innate in this, it's a function of a still-sexist socialisation which often still sees women's careers as secondary to their function as mothers (this sometimes still internalised by the women themselves as borne out so often on Mn where someone says blithely 'Oh, we decided that me being a SAHM was best for the family') which means that women are both excluded from economic independence and more likely to be their children's primary carers, hence more likely to remain primary carer in the event of the marriage ending. And of course, while not working outside the home, considered to be more 'available' to parents for dropping in, dropping off shopping, collecting from hospital appointments and generally managing family relationships.

Educating girls to fully expect that their work will be central to their lives all their lives, regardless of whether they have children or not, to consider part of their parental role as providing for their children, to consider their working lives to be fully as important as their spouses, and that taking responsibility for their own economic independence is key -- and I think you will see a falling off in assumptions that adult daughters' job is to trot about maintaining relationships with parents, but not adult sons'.

lockdownalli · 18/07/2020 09:15

I think it depends on your expectations.

I have adult DD and DS. DS has always been much closer to me as a child.

However, I would be aghast if he prioritised his relationship with me over his relationship with his DP. There has to be some balance and she should come first.

Luckily for me, his DP is just wonderful and she and I get along really well. Of course my relationship with both my DC has changed as they have become young adults, but it's evolved as it should do.

In my experience (MIL from hell) the issues occur when mothers expect to still be The Matriarch and In Control of All She Surveys. This is exacerbated when adult DC are infantilised, and that does seem to happen more with sons than daughters.

My relationship with my adult DD has also evolved and we are now more like friends. It's lovely.

I am, in my heart, still fiercely protective over them both, but you have to take a more balanced view.

jessstan2 · 18/07/2020 09:15

@Rhine

Whoever coined this saying obviously never met my Dad, who remained a devoted mummy’s boy until she passed away in her mid 90s!
Or my father, father in law and husband - though I wouldn't use the term 'mummy's boy' to describe them, they just loved their parents and remained in their lives.
CherryPavlova · 18/07/2020 09:17

I can’t be certain yet but I rather think I’ll remain closest to our son. The girls are more naturally outgoing and confident so more likely to move away from the area in the longer term.
Our son is deployed for long periods, so has had plenty of ‘away and excitement times’. He seems to want to settle reasonably close and is the one most likely to just pop in unannounced. His girlfriend is the partner most likely to pop in unannounced too and seems happy here without him. The girls partners are comfortable when here and happy for the girls to go out but wouldn’t just turn up and spend the day sleeping here because it was noisy in their house.

My husband and his brothers are probably closer to their mother than their sister too.

Walkerbean16 · 18/07/2020 09:19

my mother in law lives with us so its certainly not true in our case Confused

missyoumuch · 18/07/2020 09:20

In my experience the mental load of caring for parents tends to fall more on daughters, often even daughters-in-law. Sure sons may be in touch regularly by text or phone, but I want to know who is picking out the birthday presents, organising the family get-togethers, and following up on health issues.

lockdownalli · 18/07/2020 09:20

Oh! And yes - I do not expect "DIL" to do any bloody wifework!!

If I need to know something re arrangements etc I ask my son. The only time I would contact her separately would be connected to birthday/Christmas present ideas, that kind of thing. Or something she and I are interested in that DS isn't.

I like and respect her. She isn't there to do my DS bidding. He doesn't see it that way either as he has been brought up by a very independent strong mother (SP)

It's not about losing him, it's about gaining her.

RedRumTheHorse · 18/07/2020 09:21

My mum use to say this then terrorised me, my sisters and my SILs. As a result we all went LC or NC. One of my brothers' as he's too kind was actually the one who put up with her and had the most contact.

With my dad it again my older brothers who helped him. My oldest sister, who is the female twin of my oldest brother, tended to be dumped with caring for us.

Now my parents are dead it is my eldest two brothers who take on the responsibility of checking up on us all.

With my friends' families it completely depends. Those whose parents act like mature individuals have good relationships with their children and their partners regardless of the sex.

Popsie17 · 18/07/2020 09:21

It really depends. My granny has always said this. I believe her and my late grandfather were closer to her mum but it doesn’t have to be that way.

My mum does share a similar view but she sheen estranged from her in laws (stepdads parents) for several years so naturally closer to my gran..

But my granny has two sons that never married and they are incredibly close to her. I doubt they will get married now so she’ll never know if that would of happened.

In my experience we are just as close to my partners mum and stepdad than we are my mum and stepdad if anything I prefer spending time with my in laws.

It really doesn’t have to be the case!

It depends hugely on how well the sons wife and her mother in law get on tbh. If there’s problems there will be issues.

Pickles89 · 18/07/2020 09:21

Well, I'm certainly shocked by how my brother, who honestly was my best friend (we'd Skype for an hour or more several times a week, play video games remotely, talk about nothing) dumped me, and 'us' as a family when he got married. We'd always been a really close unit but it's like we meant nothing to him anymore, overnight. He visits with his wife 2 or 3 times a year but it's so awkward, with them mostly huddled together murmuring to each other or in his room. We never have one-on-one conversations with him and all the fun stuff we used to do like gaming, watching films together, flying his RC heli, swimming, darts, badminton, playing pool, board games and just hanging out chatting about random stuff is all a thing of the past. Honestly I find it really upsetting, as do the rest of my family.

Surviving1 · 18/07/2020 09:22

It is particularly true in families where women want to be in charge. Too many see their Dil or MIL as a rival for the throne.

thelonelymoatedgrange · 18/07/2020 09:23

It might well be societal jo but the fact still remains we exist in society.

Is it societal? I honestly don’t know, I’d like to think so. But I do know many good dads - I don’t mean the relationships version of a good dad who drinks his salary up the wall and slaps his wife but is a good dad, I mean actual good dads, who treat their children with gentle respect and take them swimming and bike riding and help them get dressed and read stories and go to school events - who become distant and remote following marriage breakups.

I know many who don’t of course but still, enough of a pattern there to make me wonder. I hope it is societal though, or it is rather bleak!

Prettybluepigeons · 18/07/2020 09:23

I can't believe I just read the phrase ' real granny' to describe a woman's mother.

I have a sister and a brother. My sister and I both live geographically distant from my mother and see her irregularly. My brother lives close, speaks to her every day etc.

My dh although living 250 miles away from his parents, speaks to them every week. They are very much 'real grandparents ' and have a great relationship with our sons.

I think a lot of women try to separate their husband from his parents....you only have to see the vile MIL threads on here.

wagtailred · 18/07/2020 09:25

Prettybluepigeons 'real' granny is a qoute from a famous book on being a grandma. The Good Granny Guide. Its not my personal belief system.

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