A sons a son....

[curious33]

'A sons a son until he finds a wife but a daughters a daughter for all of your life'

Curious to know peoples experiences of this in real life... heard the phrase for the first time yesterday. AIBU to not know how much truth there is in it and to be taking it a little bit to heart now as a mum of two boys?

I detest that saying. It's awful, misogynistic and horseshit. Reinforcing that women are only there to serve men, first the mighty man has his mother then discards her for a wife to serve him while a daughter remains near her parents so she can care for them as well as a husband.

My dh is NC with his parents but for good reason, he's very involved with my family though and will spend time with them without me. My brother is so close to my mum he bought a house in the next street and sees her multiple times a day.

I certainly will not be expecting my son to disappear into the sunset as soon as he finds a partner and will be raising him to be a self sufficient, functioning adult not requiring a partner to take care of him.

I detest it too but I always thought it was misogynistic as it implied that a wife bullies her husband into marginalising his parents.

Wow, it actually took eight pages for the cod feminism to arrive. That must be a first.

My mum and I messaged each other most days, pretty much tell her everything and have long phone call at least once a week, more if I have stuff to tell her or she’s ill and I’m checking she’s okay (lives in a different country). Dh only calls his mum if there’s something to talk about, or I prompt him. He didn’t tell her he was having surgery until after (she’s very anxious so he said he didn’t want to worry her but I think she’ll be more anxious knowing her son hides stuff from her!) I then felt bad when I discovered he hadn’t told her as I’d told my mum so had to ask her not to let on she knew. He hates small talk and finds his parents awkward and very different to mine who are very social and helpful. His parents sometimes make decisions that we find a bit bizarre but it’s clear his mum loves and misses him so I wish he’d make more effort. I’m pretty sure I’m seen as dil who took him away but in reality I’m the one who prompts visits and instigates invites.

My brother is similar with my mum.

It really depends on the relationship. Not all daughters are close with their mothers, many of the posts to this site are evidence of that!

I hate this statement, I am a mom to 3 boys so probably feels personal. I also think statements like this are what can contribute to gender disappointment.

A lot will depend on the DiL, IMO.
So many women seem to loathe their MiLs*, so if it’s a choice, a man will IMO very often prefer to keep his wife/partner happy, than his mother.

*Not that I’m saying some MiLs don’t deserve it (I’m sure some do) but there are two mothers of sons I know very well, who have lost all, or virtually all, contact with their sons, because of DiLs who seemed determined almost from the word go to hate them, when I’m 100% sure that the MiLs couldn’t have done anything to warrant it.

I think a lot depends on how well the DIL is treated. Before my time but apparently MIL was not very welcoming to her first DIL and tried to break them up a few times - as a result she almost never sees her son now.

She was a bit funny with me at first and didn't like it when my now DH would come to me first for advice or to discuss things. She struggled with the shift in priorities basically. However once he moved in with me it got a lot better. She is a lovely woman and we get on pretty well, but we don't have any relationship outside of her son - she never texts or phones me for example except to ask me to get him to text her back. That makes me a little sad as my relationship with my mother isn't that close really. DH is terrible at texting her or phoning her.

My sister's two sons are still very close to her and their family. In the case of one DIL, this is by dint of a great dealing of biting of the tongue, and letting an awful lot of stuff go.

My mother was so paranoid about this that she ended up being abusive, and allowing her husband to be abusive, towards me and putting my brothers on a pedestal.

She thought I would be around to look after her in her old age because I'm female and obligated to do so.

We no longer talk and my entitled drug addicted brothers simply bleed her dry and do fuck all to help her out.

Shame.

God I hate this phrase.

So awful and such bollocks and offensive to my boys (a woman said it to me in a shop once) and I have boys and a girl.

Hocuspocusandfairies
Try not to worry, one of my grans has 3 boys, and they are all still really close. One of them lives in South America now but any time he goes to Europe for work (few times a year) he will drive across the country/continent just to pop in and see her for a few days.

(I've got 2 boys, might end up with 3 if I decide to go with DC3)

Camomila, thank you. I don't suffer with gender disappointment and if I was lucky enough to have another child then I wouldn't mind what I had but can see why it makes some women yearn for a daughter.

Does it really matter? It's an odd attitude - expecting any of your children will be "with you" for life. You're creating independent humans, not mini carers.

@GoshHashana

Does it really matter? It's an odd attitude - expecting any of your children will be "with you" for life. You're creating independent humans, not mini carers.

I don’t think you understand what it means. It’s nothing to do with carers.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

A lot will depend on the DiL, IMO. So many women seem to loathe their MiLs*, so if it’s a choice, a man will IMO very often prefer to keep his wife/partner happy, than his mother.

*Not that I’m saying some MiLs don’t deserve it (I’m sure some do) but there are two mothers of sons I know very well, who have lost all, or virtually all, contact with their sons, because of DiLs who seemed determined almost from the word go to hate them, when I’m 100% sure that the MiLs couldn’t have done anything to warrant it.

I could guarantee you that there are a number of people who would say exactly that about my MIL/SIL and they’d never believe the truth.

Hmm not really why does life have to be a competition between the mother and future wife? I wish people understand you can love many people in different ways (children, mother, wife, siblings, friends etc...)

Especially in this thread everything is supposedly the mother in law's fault.

Lazy stereotype imo.

Of course it can happen, but relationships are complicated.

Fil tried this line on us recently. Saying how you have to work harder with sons and girls are always closer to their mothers.

He failed to see two key points.

One being that mil and fil get far preferential treatment to my parents, because my parents are much more laid back and don't summons us or expect us to be at their beck and call and every whim. We are very much always trying to appease dhs parents.

Second being that mil and fil massively put dhs sister first. She is treated like a precious diamond that simply cannot be expected to cope with anything or do anything for herself.

I don't know how old that saying is, but I've often thought it was a way of making a parent feel better about having had the misfortune of having a daughter instead of a son (given that sons could earn money, inherit, carry on your business etc, and daughters had to be looked after financially for life unless someone would marry them).
So i view it as an old fashioned statement for old fashioned times.
BUT years on mumsnet do make me wary of how I behave with any girls my dses may bring home, as mils do seem to have difficult relationships at times with dils.

Doesn't work for my family. My three brothers are actually near my parents atm, while I am in a different country and may not be able to see them until Christmas . One brother, married and with kids, even shares a house with them most of the time, though it's divided into flats so they have separate households. All brothers look in on them frequently and make sure they are ok and have everything they need.

Dh was very close to his mother, and I was very fond of her.

I am closer to my parents than DH is to his. But DH does get on well with his, it's just a more detached relationship, he wont often ring his mum for a chat for example, whereas I call mine loads & do video calls with the kids.

But that's not true everywhere. My father rang his mother every week, without fail, and would talk to her for a good half hour.

It is true for some families, not for others. Because humans are individuals.

But the saying itself is awful because it’s predicated on two sexist assumptions: a) that caring for elderly relatives is a woman’s responsibility and b) that men always need to be cared for, either by a mother or a wife.

I'm closer to my mil than my mum.
Dh is closer to his mum than his sisters are.

For the most part I would say yes i do agree. Obviously not every family.
Most of the men I know, young and old, have no interest in seeing their families, particularly extended family.

In my own family, my husband cares about his parents and would always want to help them if they needed it etc, but he could go months without seeing them or even ringing them (we live 5 mins away). I have to instigate the visits. He wouldn't have a clue when birthdays are or anything like that. I have to keep check of all of that.

My own dad is the same. His mum is still alive, she is 92. Lives 2 streets away. He would NEVER see her if it wasn't for my mum. There is no reason for it apart from he can't be bothered.

My friend has 3 sisters and 1 brother. They are a very close family but the brother they see the least.

My other friend has 1 sister and 1 brother. The two sisters see their parents all the time. The brother never sees them, not even on special occasions.