A sons a son....

[curious33]

'A sons a son until he finds a wife but a daughters a daughter for all of your life'

Curious to know peoples experiences of this in real life... heard the phrase for the first time yesterday. AIBU to not know how much truth there is in it and to be taking it a little bit to heart now as a mum of two boys?

I think that really depends on your relationship with your son and sons wife.

My dh is close to MIL, we see her all the time, invite her on some holidays, she's welcome over for dinner regularly, we're welcome at her house. We help each other out a lot.

She occasionally irritates me but I keep my mouth shut because I'm not perfect either and my own mum can be irritating too

We don't treat each other as competition but as 2 women who both love DH and DS. We're both non confrontational and just get on with things.

@osirus @majesticallyawkward

Not as far fetched as you might think.
Look up something called matrilineal advantage. This is the idea that children are closer to their maternal grandparents (particularly grandmothers) over the paternal grandparents. Whilst the research consistently shows this to be true, there is lots of discussion and theories as to why. Some of them explore some of the ideas expressed by @osirus. So maybe not so wacky after all!

This is not an academic source, but explores the idea of matrilineal advantage and the notion that women keep better / closer contacts with their families than men tend to do (obviously there are always exceptions to the norm!). Easy to read up about on Google Scholar though.

trovelog.com/family/matrilineal-advantage/

I'm not sure that all proverbs/phrases of conventional wisdom/old wives tales (sexist or complimentary?) have the same purpose.

Only the good die young - is said to comfort the bereaved of the young
A watched pot never boils & the grass is always greener - examples of exaggeration to make a true point (hyperbole).
What does not kill you makes you stronger - is encouragement, could be part of a pep talk, intended to be inspirational. Another example -
it is better to die on your feet, than live on your knees (a curious favourite of my gentle, then teenaged, son),
Others are advisory - take care of the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves

Some proverbs/sayings are based on nature - an early bird gets the worm.
Others are based on religion/ethics - it is better to give than receive

Some, such as this daughter/son one are based on observing people and society. But observation can be wrong. People and societies are different to each other and can change.

However I agree with the PP, many proverbs do have a kernel or more of truth, but as the wise young wife once said: 'the tales of old wives are best taken with a pinch of salt and the tales of old husbands best ignored completely'.

DB is much closer to DM than I am, lives just down the road, sees her a couple of times a week etc. She's always been quite involved both when he was married to ex-SIL and with new SIL, been on hols together etc. I'm 250 miles away, see her maybe once a year. Horses for courses.

I think that as a daughter in law, it is REALLY important to remember that your mother in law feels the same way about your dh, that you feel about your children.
She gave birth to him, fed him, loved him, sat up with him when he was sick, filled his Christmas stocking, fought for him when he was bullied, hugged him when his heart was broken. She's NOT just some random woman getting in the way of your relationship.

Acknowledging that, being kind is the best way to go.

Don't know if Dad was wrong to write to his mother. Some of me thinks he should have put his kids first

Presumably he did for 6.5 days out of 7. Your mother’s unreasonableness clearly rubbed off.

I think that as a daughter in law, it is REALLY important to remember that your mother in law feels the same way about your dh, that you feel about your children

And its equally important for a Mil to remember that the DiL is a being in her own right and not a mother substitute who is responsible for the husband's relationships with his own family. Being kind works both ways.

Nor is she merely an incubator for her grandchildren to be cast aside and ignored as soon as babies are born

My brother who is married is much closer to our mother than I am (not married).

I think it's nonsense.

Men are just lazier at relationships

Isn't it nice that women can be as sexist as anyone else, though?

I hope not. My DC are terrible at keeping on touch on odd nights away.

My mil favours her dds over her dss. The men in their family, including fil, are kept out of the loop until the last minute or after the fact. ILs have only provided childcare for sils' DC and not their dbs'. They play favourites in lots of other ways and it will bite them on the arse.

My family isn't like this. My db makes the same effort as his dsis. He lived at home the longest and has gone for dinner one a week for 20 years. His dw is lovely and my dad calls her one of his girls, we are all fine with that. I love all my nieces and nephews the same so I hope it's going to be like that.

In my family it will definitely be true, anytime my brother has a girlfriend he completely abandons his family, even although my mum still runs about for him like a blue arsed fly. I've always been close to my mum. We spend a lot of time together and she depends on me quite a lot.

Not in my experience. DH is an only child and we're super close to his mum and step dad. Not so much with my mum as she's overbearing and interfering.
MIL is the total opposite, she's supportive and lovely. We haven't always agreed but families rarely do! I'll always be grateful for being wholeheartedly welcomed into DH's extended family.
Sadly my mum is still clueless about why we're as distant as we are, she'll never cop on to the fact that her behaviour is a factor and we've given up trying to change that.

I think it has far more to do with the parents than the kids. My MIL doesn't think my husband needs her care and attention in the same way as his sister. It's bollocks, everyone needs their mum to take an interest in them and make a bit of time for them.

Ditto for grandkids, she thinks it's my mums job, and my mum is great but room for 2 grandmas.

I've always thought this phrase is a load of bollocks, and I hate it every time my parents come out with it.

It's got nothing to do with whether your child is male or female and everything to do with the type of relationship you have with your parents. I do not consider myself as having an overly close relationship with my parents, and my sibling even less so. But my DH and his brother are incredibly close to their parents, and they're both married.

I also hate that this phrase suggests that because you're female you're expected to have some kind of obligation to be beholden to your parents because you're their daughter, in a way that it doesn't suggest for a son, a notion which I find incredibly sexist and outdated.

I've always thought this phrase is a load of bollocks, and I hate it every time my parents come out with it.

It's got nothing to do with whether your child is male or female and everything to do with the type of relationship you have with your parents. I do not consider myself as having an overly close relationship with my parents, and my sibling even less so. But my DH and his brother are incredibly close to their parents, and they're both married.

I also hate that this phrase suggests that because you're female you're expected to have some kind of obligation to be beholden to your parents because you're their daughter, in a way that it doesn't suggest for a son, a notion which I find incredibly sexist and outdated.

Sadly it's true for my family - my brother and his girlfriend were very close to my mum for a while but once they had children they seemed to distance themselves.
DH speaks to his mum once every week or two mostly about our DC who she sees every week. They aren't close though but I don't think they were close long before I met him they are both very different people. MIL is fine but we don't have a lot in common and I don't think we would have been particularly friendly if we had met outside of marriage - she dotes on our DC though and they love her just as much as my own mum so I don't think it's changed their relationship based on mum or mum or dad at all.

I do know some families where the opposite is true though - MILs siblings are all very tight knit and were very close to their own mother in fact the two that moved away were both sisters and I have friends & a DSIS who have good relationships with their PIL and see them regularly.

I do wonder if this is quite an old saying now and if relationships are changing with more women going to work and using childcare etc

*just realised that had a typo and didn't really make much sense... it should have read didn't change their relationship based on either grandparent being the mum of mum (maternal grandmother) or mum of dad (paternal)

I'm so glad I had a dd so I dont get refered to as the dragon mil that you read about so much on here.

It depends who the son marries. There are plenty of DILs on here who seem to resent their MILs and are only too happy to discourage their DH's from being in contact with them.

Women seem to be much less easily dissuaded from contact with their mothers.

Fortunately I married into a genuinely close family and adored my MIL, so the generalisation didn't apply in our case. But I've seen it plenty in real life, and very much so on MN.

I also wonder if it is more common in families where there are both sons and daughters and less common in families with only sons...

It's mostly not a dil or mil problem, it's usually a DH problem. In my case my oh has all but given up and I can understand why. We have closer relationships with friends and their DC so have a wide circle of family and friends so my DC don't miss out.

My ILs would not see us as much if I did not suggest to OH that they ask them over. Three times out of four they are busy with their dds but I still think it's important for my DC to have a relationship with their gps.

My DH adores his mum and has always had a good relationship with her. It is complicated, however, by his other siblings’ relationships with her in ways that are far too outing to post about. It’s definitely more complicated than the original maxim suggests!
Also my mum has only daughters and is much closer to my sister than me. I think there are always siblings that need a mum more, Male or female.
At this stage I am closest to my son of all my kids but they are still young so who knows how it’ll change.

Utter bollocks.
A ridiculous attempt to stereotype half the population.