A sons a son....

[curious33]

'A sons a son until he finds a wife but a daughters a daughter for all of your life'

Curious to know peoples experiences of this in real life... heard the phrase for the first time yesterday. AIBU to not know how much truth there is in it and to be taking it a little bit to heart now as a mum of two boys?

I’ve three sons and I don’t find it to be true. We’re still close. I’m really lucky with my daughters in law though.

I think it totally depends - it's true in my husband's case as he is much less close to his parents now than he was before we met. It's absolutely not true for my DB who is as close to my parents as ever; his wife is also very close to them. Closer than I am!

Not all daughters have a close relationship with their mothers.

Of course it depends. But I remember a friend of mine, who has two boys and a girl, saying that her daughter always greeted her with hugs and kisses when she came home from work whereas her boys barely glanced up. She has a great relationship with them all. But I do think that generally girls are more likely to care for elderly parents and keep the family in touch with each other, whether any of them are married or not.

DH probably contacts MIL more because of me as I've got him in the habit of doing so! She's lovely though. My DB contacts our DPs a lot (whatsapp and phone calls) but we've always been a close family and so do I. I think it depends more on the personalities of your DC - I hope my baby DD wants to have a close relationship with us when she's older but surely that's dependent on our relationship as she grows up and her own personality, wishes etc.

The son may have a husband or not find a wife at all? It assumes a lot of things about people's lifestyles.

I have 3 sons all adults now with partners & I dont agree with that statement.
Two of my sons have called in to visit with us this afternoon - but we regularly see them anyway. I get on v.well too with their long term partners as well.
DS 1 lives a fair distance away, but Zoom calls & messages between us often - esp. with photos & news of our little granddaughter.

Mostly been correct from what I have witnessed - the exception being those from an Asian background. Then it’s seemingly the reverse

I think it depends on their personality really. My oldest son I don't expect to see much of as he gets older. We get along brilliantly, but he is an independent soul who lived in Germany with a host family form 13-16 and now goes to boarding school by his own choice. That's fine. He can be relied upon to show up when needed, but he doesn't now, and I don't expect will in the future, live in my pocket.

My youngest sons are identical twins and, admittably, currently a bit emeshed. Unless that changes dramatically as they get older, I think we will continue to see a lot of them. Either that or it will end in tears. We shall see.

Fairly true. Look at the attitude towards mother in laws on here compared to women’s own mothers.

My husband had a crap relationship with his parents way before I came on the scene 😂

SIL and her DC have always been favoured so that taints DH relationship with PIL and I can't blame him for it. SIL may help them out more, but she's had a damned sight more help from them over the years, financial and practical.
most of my fb friends have their profile picture with their DD and not their DS. So I guess this attitude starts early.

Not in my experience. Although as a DIL, there are times that my own mother is more involved (e.g when I had my first child as a newborn, when planning my wedding). Not that MIL was pushed out, she was very much involved too but I am closer to my own mother.

I agree it depends a lot, particularly on who they marry. In our case, pre covid we saw both sets of parents once a week. I purposely include MIL in everything to do with the kids and she even came wedding dress shopping with me and my mum since she doesn't have a daughter. She makes a lot of effort with the kids though and they adore her. However, despite my sh being v close to his mum, it just doesn't occur to him to tell her stuff, its often me letting her know whats going on in our lives.
With my sisters, my parents definitely have more to do with them than their MIL but for different reasons. One lives a few hours away but they keep in touch and alternate Christmas' etc and one was just not a very hands on mum so they just aren't overly close.
I ask my son to keep coming to see me when he's older and keep giving me hugs - he says he will but he's 9 so...

It’s a true statement

I have one brother and I find I remind him about birthdays and organise things for my parents but I think that is more individual personality than sex specific characteristics.
Mil has 6 boys and they are all very good to her but she loves when I call for a chat as the sons don't really listen to her gossip about the neighbours!

My husband is very close to his mother. Probably talks to her daily, helps her out frequently. I hold no objection to that and don't try control his contact. (Think is sometimes happens - least from reading post on here anyway.)

I don't have any more of a close relationship with mine. I hesitate to say it's not as close as geography plays a part, but I speak to her far less. (But she can be social awkward, so I don't want to have a daily call. It would be tiring.) My husband doesn't try control the frequency either.

My MIL is easier to get on with mind you!!

Not true at all. Absolute bollocks.

MIL spouts this on occasion usually when shitfaced. Out of the three (2 sons, 1 daughter), I'd say DH is the one has the most contact with her as we live in the same village. My folks live over 200 miles away and we're not particularly close family (perhaps the opposite extreme). In my case my brother is probably closer to them.

I'm not particularly close with my Mum. My DH is close with his parents. I don't think you can generalise. It depends on personalities and upbringing. I have one of each. ATM we are equally close, tbh my Ds and I actually like more of the same stuff. I do know some women that seem closer to their DD but they have nurtured the whole mum daughter thing since birth so maybe it has been a product of upbringing. My DD hates shopping or girlie stuff in general which is absolutely fine. I love her personality however my Ds loves a good shopping trip with me

Obviously it varies a lot. But I think there is a slight difference between all boy families and mixed sex families. Theres no daughter to delegate care to! And new partners include MIL a bit more as there is no chance of her being mother of the bride or the 'real' granny.

This won’t be a popular view, just warning everyone now

I do think there are huge differences between men and women and who they bond with and how.

I think for men, once they have a partner, she will generally be the priority. That’s all it is. And I think that is why so many men lose or have sporadic contact with their own children yet mysteriously appear to be devoted stepdads to someone else’s - it’s because that’s how the bond works, the bond with the children goes through the mother.

So with the ‘sons a son’ line, I’ve known it often said by discontented frowning women angry because their son has found a partner. I hate that: it isn’t anybody’s role, male or female, to dote on their parents for the rest of their life. On the other hand, I have to admit my dad was rubbish at keeping in contact with his side of the family, looking back. I thought it was them rejecting us but in fact he just barely acknowledged their existence once he met my mum!

I’m expecting a boy. Hopefully he won’t feel obliged to keep me company in my dotage and I hope he has a long and happy life and if my presence in it is detrimental to that then that’s okay - I hope if I have grandchildren I’ll be able to have a good relationship with them though.

Should also add, relies a lot on the wife's personality too. For me, I am extremely family oriented and so have always made every effort to fully involve both sets of my in-laws and intergrate myself into their families. Even now with my late husband's parents, Ds16, Dd13 and I still go and have dinner with them once a month and I still very much view them as members of my family. My current MIL isn't my favorite person, but in the same way I cannot choose my own family, I cannot choose my husband's. She's still family, so I make it work. Also helps that I am not territorial/sensitive in any way, so always happy to spread my babies and children around and chill when they poke their nose in where perhaps they shouldn't.

I have found this to be true in families where the mother does absolutely everything for her sons, to the point where they never seem to connect with her on a level beyond that of domestic appliance. Once they swap their mother for their wife, they naturally see little point in contacting their parents, so unless their wife does it it doesn't happen.

I have also found it to be true in families where the MIL tries to domineer and control the son's new wife, and when new wife puts her foot down, the son naturally cedes to her - and again doesn't bother with the fripperies like Mother's Day cards, because if the wife doesn't do it then nobody will.

It rarely seems to occur in families where the parents have more balanced roles, and where there is a father who takes an active and interested role in his son's life.

As with everything, balance is key. I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but I have seen some women go absolutely bonkers and obsessive about their sons in a specific way I have never seen with mothers of girls (and I have girls whom I utterly adore)

To add in my case, both my parents unfortunately died young so dps parents will be the only grandparents. So it does very much depend on the partner / wife they choose, if they are someone lovely like me