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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A sons a son....

249 replies

curious33 · 18/07/2020 07:50

'A sons a son until he finds a wife but a daughters a daughter for all of your life'

Curious to know peoples experiences of this in real life... heard the phrase for the first time yesterday. AIBU to not know how much truth there is in it and to be taking it a little bit to heart now as a mum of two boys?

OP posts:
frustrationcentral · 18/07/2020 08:53

DH is one of two boys - they're both quite good but I think that's probably down to SIL and I really Grin

I've got one brother. I'm much more likely, and expected, to have regular contact with my parents than my brother is. He sees much more of his GF's family than us and my parents accept that

RJnomore1 · 18/07/2020 08:53

@thelonelymoatedgrange I think you need to add to your list:

  • men do not feel the societal expectation that it is their job to care for the aged
JassyRadlett · 18/07/2020 08:53

There is nothing wrong with loving your child or your parent, but to say you love each other very very much when you are talking about parental love is odd.

Are you actually serious?

Echobelly · 18/07/2020 08:53

Bleugh! What patriachal crap! Based on a society where a daughter is family property.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 18/07/2020 08:53

Not all daughters have a close relationship with their mothers

This with bells on. I'm NC with my parents because of my upbringing, constantly being the family scapegoat even for things that happened when I wasn't home...! When my parents sided with my abusive ex and defended his behaviour that was the last straw so at a time when I needed support I was totally on my own.

The old saying is really just endorsing the ”wife work” idea. Where females have to remember family birthdays, plan events, organise childcare, give lists of things to do around the house because the gormless human with a penis can't possibly manage all that! Hmm

thelonelymoatedgrange · 18/07/2020 08:55

I did say it was societal, RJ, but to be honest whether it is societal or not, it is nonetheless the case.

formerbabe · 18/07/2020 08:55

@thelonelymoatedgrange

Completely agree with your post.

Looking at my group of five or so girlfriends, they all live closer to their families than their husband's families and as a couple, they spend more time with them.

HellsBills · 18/07/2020 08:56

My husband is one of three brothers. All three are very close to their mum. One lives far away but calls regularly a few times a week. The other two are geographically close and see a lot of her Sunday lunches, trips out etc they'll both just drop in for a chat regularly too. During covid they've done all her shopping etc. Neither myself or either of my SILs moan or try to reduce the contact our husbands have with their mum or how often she visits us, BUT I have seen this so often in my friends (trying to prevent their MILs visiting or refusing to go and stay with them) and also my own brothers ex-partner made it very difficult for him to keep a relationship with our mum so from my experience the saying ISN'T true but individual people can make the adult parent/child relationship difficult, whether a son or daughter.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/07/2020 08:57

thelonelymoatedgrange spot on!

diddl · 18/07/2020 08:57

It's also circumstance isn't it?

My husband worked full time when the kids were small so he had less time for his parents.

He also go on better with my parents than his.

He's in his 50s & MIL still isn't over the fact that he didn't go to the grammar school & thinks it's because they didn't know the right peopleHmm

Panicmode1 · 18/07/2020 08:57

My DH is much closer to his mother than his sister. I probably talk to and see my MIL more than SIL does. It's not always true. (I hope not, I have 3 boys!)

Jocundest · 18/07/2020 08:58

whether it is societal or not, it is nonetheless the case

I'm not sure what point you think you're making with the 'women seldom abandon their children' statement? What does that have to do with societal expectations that adult woman trot about looking after their parents, but adult men are dispensed from this obligation?

nicenames · 18/07/2020 08:59

It's an interesting one. I am not super close to my mum and I am female - my mum and I risk clashing heads as we have very different styles, so best to keep from discussing anything controversial or investing too much in what she thinks, which means a bit of distance. But I do chip in and help out and make the effort, we just aren't best friends in the way that some are.

My PIL use that phrase. I feel it is a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy really, in the sense that the phrase when they use it indicates a kind of investment in an old fashioned view that men don't care for their families, women do. My PIL believe that and they also seem to believe that boys don't cry, men don't look after children, wives should facilitate their husbands etc - I think it is that underlying attitude that means that my DH (whilst being an extremely dutiful son, who does make a lot of effort) is never going to have the kind of emotional connection with his parents that it is assumed that a daughter would have (they don't have a daughter, so really they have no idea!). I think that they also think that if they had a daughter they would have more influence over their grandchildren and the way that our household is run, but I think that is also total rubbish and based on weird stereotypes! We see them more than my parents due to distance and we treat both parents views equally - i.e. they are entitled to have them, but we are not bound to agree!!

JassyRadlett · 18/07/2020 08:59

I did say it was societal, RJ, but to be honest whether it is societal or not, it is nonetheless the case.

But being societal means that it isn’t inevitable - that’s why it matters.

jessstan2 · 18/07/2020 09:00

I have to say that is a very 'working class' expression and something I hoped had died out, frankly. It's extremely unkind to people who only have sons and untrue of anyone I know.

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks · 18/07/2020 09:01

True for us and what I see around us. I believe it starts when we have DC and we turn to our mum for help.

thelonelymoatedgrange · 18/07/2020 09:01

The point I am making I believed to be quite obvious, sorry.

Men prioritise partners over and above other relationships. A mother will only very rarely abandon her children to pursue a new relationship: women are not saints, they have affairs, they break up families, but the children stay with her. This is not the case when the male equivalent if you like happens.

These are simply patterns of behaviour that signify there is a difference between the priority relationship if you like.

thelonelymoatedgrange · 18/07/2020 09:03

That would be true jassy if we never let our children out into society Grin

It is true we can educate and model but ultimately that only takes you so far. Better than nothing, agreed.

ScubaSteven · 18/07/2020 09:04

In our case this is only true because MIL swears by it, she actively rejects DH and our children in favour of her DD and her children. Because sons are only sons until they find a wife. It winds me up, and it is awful for DH to know that he is not treated equally to his sister.

From MIL's opinion I will no longer have 'children' one day, I have 2 sons. I often wonder what I could do differently to stop this from happening but so far just not pushing them away might be a start. I think it is entirely dependent on attitudes and lifestyles rather than gender. And the more people push these stupid ideas the more they are reinforced, so I'm trying not to let DSs know MIL's thoughts about this incase they feel they have to believe the same.

BobCat2020 · 18/07/2020 09:04

It's not true in my case, DH has a DSis and DB and both have moved away. His DSis moved to the other side of the planet! My DH returned to his home county with me after uni. It felt important to him that his family had him nearby as they get older. We also visit his aunts and uncles that have no DC as well, less often but it's nice that he makes the effort to check in. I'm one of three DD so I'm not sure that my experience counts for much. My youngest DSis sees my parents most weekends, my middle DSis sees them probably about the same if not less than me (once every other month) even though she only lives 15 minutes drive away. I live 2 hours away from my family. Rather embarrassingly, DH is better at buying cards and gifts for his family than I am for mine...

AriettyHomily · 18/07/2020 09:05

Stupid ridiculous phrase.

AriettyHomily · 18/07/2020 09:05

Stupid ridiculous phrase.

Pebblexox · 18/07/2020 09:06

I think it really depends.
For my dh, when we got together his relationship with his parents got better and he sees them more now than he did before. We also see both my family and his equal amounts. I do think though at lot of it is because I have such a close relationships with my family, I probably encouraged his relationship with his more. Whereas perhaps if I hadn't , he maybe wouldn't be as close to them now.

HeatingOnInJuly · 18/07/2020 09:06

On thinking about it, my husband probably does see his family less/isn't as close as he once was, since marrying me and having children.

This isn't due to anything I have done or said, it's because although they aren't bad people, they are enmeshed and stuck in the past. DH was the quiet, easygoing one who was the butt of many jokes, and his parents and sonkonfs, especially his older sister, simply can't move on from that. They just can't see him as a responsible adult man who has made a good life for himself. Since the DC are a little older and more aware, he's actually really started to get sick of it. Sil is a bit of a bully, her teasing is a bit close to the bone at times, and DH feels she's basically making a mockery of him in front of his wife and kids

So he is less involved. But they would probably say that's my fault. Because a man like daft old laidback DH can't decide these things for himself or anything Hmm

Porcupineinwaiting · 18/07/2020 09:07

So why doesnt it hold true in other societies @thelonelymoatedgrange? Is it because women dont keep hold if the kids?

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