Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

[sage46]

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

Different, but equal. I would give my life for my DH and my DS.

I understand that love for a partner is conditional, but the relationship you have with your partner is lifelong whereas your children (hopefully) become independent. Of course it's more of a tragedy if a child dies as they're younger for one thing and should 'expect' to outlive the parents.

That being said, my love for neither my DH or my DS is unconditional. If my DS raped and murdered someone for instance, I would disown him. Some might consider that harsh maybe!

If i were in a burning boat and could either save my DH or my DC, it would be my DC each and every time. I hope my DH would make the same choice.

I joke the cat is my favourite, but my DCs and partner know it's DCs. Their dad left and OW immediately jumped ahead of them in his love. There are benefits to being their only real emotional parent, but it's tiring holding the responsibility. If anything happens to me they won't be as special to their other parent. I wish he loved them like I do so they would have two parents thinking of them.

Unconditional love should mean DCs come first I think. People can split up, but it shouldn't change love for children.

My parents are very religious and so say their marriage comes first. I remember being heartbroken to hear that we were second.
My kids come way before dh who is my soulmate .

@LaurieFairyCake

What about the dog?

DH would pick the dog

This is mostly unanimous.
What does love actually mean though, apart from an affectionate feeling?
None of us hopefully would ever have to choose in a life or death situation, so could it simply be the biological urge to protect unconditionally (to preserve your genes)?

Whereas men are a separate person to you and can always sow their seeds again

Ive been a single parent since my son was a baby.
I would probably kill myself if anything happened to my son.
Not to be dramatic and its not like he takes my every waking moment, ive got my own life but I don't think i could recover or carry on without him.
He is my purpose in life and the thing I'm most proud of, i just cant imagine living without him at all.
Ive had relationships and the end is not nice but i never felt like my life was over or i couldn't go on. Partners can be replaced children can't

Those saying generational, my dm is 76 and we always knew she loved us more than our df. No question.

Of course it's more! Your DM can't have been very maternal.

My DM said the same and it affected me when she said it because I couldn't understand why I wasn't on par with my DF.

My kids will always come first and I'll always love them more than anyone not only because I feel that's natural for me but because of the way my DM made me feel when she said she loved my DF more.

I think my ex would say the same, hes not had another relationship at all but i cant imagine him having one that puts our son second to that.
My love for my son is not unconditional, if he raped anyone or hurt a child i would disown him as a pp said, obviously its quite hard to think in these terms when hes only a child and i hope I will do a good enough job that it won't be an issue, hes lovely and soft and polite now and i cant imagine him going bad or doing anything that would stop me loving him.
Even disowned children are not unloved, my brother is a drug addict, ive walked away but i still love him but i would put my child and my other siblings before him in a life death situation..my mum would struggle because he's still her son regardless all the rotten sick things hes done.

It depends on how you classify love really. My love for my DC is completely unconditional. Whilst there are behaviours I would not tolerate (as in turning out to be a serial killer ) it wouldn't stop me loving them. I would give my life for them and I would save them in an emergency. Their needs always come before DP and I 's wants and sometimes our needs. The rest I ensure mesh so everyone gets their needs.

However my relationship with DP is obviously different, he is my best friend and the adult love if my life. No question at all. Obviously my DC are not my peers or my best friends so it is a role DP is important in.

I suppose it could come down to who I would choose if ever forced to ...it would obviously be DC without a single seconds thought. As other pp say , if something happened to dp I would be devastated but would not stop functioning but to the DC ? I wouldn't be able to continue.

To clarify , I would disown if they did something horrific like murder or rape but it wouldn't actually stop me loving them.

Yes you can disown or distance yourself but still love your child..
I cant imagine ever not loving mine and my mother has never stopped loving my brother no matter what he does.
She doesn't condone it but she cant walk away.
Ive walked away even though I still love him.
Love is a complicated thing.
Its less complicated with your own kids.

If I don't have to decide which of my two children I love the most, then I don't have to decide whether I love them or my husband most. I can't decide. It's a different type of love. In the imaginary accident scenario, I would expect whoever was able to do so to save whoever needed it most. Which would probably be me carried from the burning house or dragged out of the sea by my tall weight-lifting son.

Yes

Dh is my life partner but my dc are my life, so no.

I love my DH so much, I'm obsessed with him. But, if he ever harmed our DS all of that love would immediately be gone. In an instant. If DS ever harmed DH, I'd make an excuse as to why DH deserved it .

My dad is like this - where he puts my mum first before the children. His parents were the same.

My dads reasoning for why he loved mum more was that he chose his wife, but he didn't choose us ( you just get what you're given when you have a kid). I think this has always been a slight cause of tension between him and my mum (still married) as she always put her children first and definitely loved us more.

I absolutely love DS more, DH is wonderful and we're very happy but DS is my world. I couldn't go on without him.

I think it’s a facile comparison - with kids there is a different relationship we have a biological imperative to protect the line an in built urge to protect our young as they weaker than us and rely on us. The relationship with a spouse is on an entirely different basis.

Dh is awesome and is our rock I love him as much as I love my dds

I am in my 30s and my parents who have been married 40 years still love me unconditionally and even above eachother. I don't think love for your child does necessarily fade as they age.

I love my DH an incredible amount, I chose him to father our DC. But yes, the natural consequence of having DC means DH gets pushed back in favour of me (and he has done this too) loving the DC unconditionally, for the rest of their lives.

But as we feel the same way, DH and I are quite content to be eachother's 'second' love. We share the same common goal and are best friends. Tbh I don't think I would love him as much if he didn't love his kids more than he loved me.

Yes

I don't think there is any use comparing things like this to be honest. It's a completely different feeling.

I love my kids more. I love my Husband very much but if the house was on fire I would try to save my kids first. I'd like to think he feels the same.