Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

[sage46]

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

Why did you ask your mum that ? What an odd and insecure question.

@66redballons

Why did you ask your mum that ? What an odd and insecure question.

Probably because she was 12? It's not like she asked last week, kids ask things!

I wouldn't say whilst in a happy marriage that either love is 'more than the other', but that love for the children is unconditional whereas love for a partner isn't. That's the difference for me. It's also a big reason for me why more effort should be required in the conditional love relationship, as it requires more nurturing due to the naturally more fragile nature of it.

I used to ask my mum this question and she died 11 weeks ago today she used to say the love is very different and hard to explain but she loved us all more than life

I adore my husband he is the person out of all the men in the world I fell in love with and chose to make a daddy he would do anything for me and my life would be empty with out him I put him above myself every time but I had my first baby 3 weeks ago and I would give my life for her in a split second without hesitation.
Love is a powerful thing

No comparison, kids and I know my wife would say the same. I love her a lot but my kids are our lives .

Another vote for 'completely different'. I think having the same word of 'love' for them both is probably confusing!

If anything were to happen to my DS I frankly don't know how or if I would cope with the devastation. I would probably do all manner of things to protect him that I wouldn't contemplate doing for anyone else in the world. I've become much more emotional and teary since having him because the idea of anyone mistreating little boys like him just finishes me off (Oliver Twist is out for now...)

Having said that, the interests and conversations of a one-year old are pretty limited and he requires constant 'maintenance' from me so, delightful as he is, I much prefer the company of my DH which is (usually!) far less exhausting and far more interesting to my adult brain.

My DH is also the one who takes my needs into account and tries to meet some of them so I'm definitely more grateful to him than to my DS, and I know that the love DH gives me is very different to the 'cupboard love' I (nonetheless happily) receive from my DS!

I used to think it was a bit of a cop-out to say that the love for your husband vs children is completely different, but it is!

I'm sorry your mother said that to you, though, OP. Is it possible she was just having a bad day and never imagined it would stick with you like this? I know I've held onto things said to me as a child that my mother has absolutely no recollection of saying and is astounded to hear ever came out of her mouth!

Yes, it’s a different kind of love and I’d be devastated if anything happened to my husband but I love my daughter more. It’s unconditional.

They are both driving me mad atm under semi-lockdown, but I would happily walk in front of a bus for both dh and dd. I love them both hugely and can't separate that love out ifyswim (but judging from these answers, maybe I am wrong in that?) I didn't particularly want children in an abstract way, I wanted a child with dh. So the two are inextricably linked ifyswim.

Having said that, both dh and I would save dd first in a fire, without hesitation, and that's as it should be.

I have though seen close up a lot of pain and psychological damage done to adult children and their partners/ spouses when mothers can't let go. So it may be helpful to those of you saying "my dc are my world" and "I couldn't live without them" to remember that dc are only given to us temporarily to protect, love, rear, treasure etc, then it's up to us to set them free on their own path without fear or guilt. And from that point on, we still.love them the same, but we need to be in a background supportive role. Because that is what is best for them.

Way more!

First there was Dh and then we had the kids. The love We have for each other created the kids. The kids will leave and make their own lives, Dh and I will be together forever. It’s not about more - it’s about different, I’d be devastated if I lost any of them.

I absolutely adore both my dh and my children .
Dh is the love of my life but I would throw him under a bus to save the kids.
As a previous poster said, it's a deep, primeval bond.

Without question I love my child more

My grandma says this exact thing.. grandad is/was the most important person/love in her life. She used to say i knew your dad would eventually grow up, get his own life and I wouldn’t just need to be his mum all the time, I was a wife and a partnership too. I knew I had to love your grandad enough that I could stay with him after your dad had gone out. I would still bend over backwards and walk through fire for your dad but the love is very different. I completely understand that these days.

My DP is the greatest love in my life and always will be but our two children are my other greatest loves. I look at him sometimes and tears come into my eyes because I love him so much but I also get tears in my eyes when I put our kids too bed and I am singing them a song and one of them falls asleep on me or I am reading them their favourite story then they blow me a kiss goodnight 😭 Tears will appear for the smallest of things.. probably because I’ve just had a baby I cry at everything right now 😅

Children. Way more. Their dad, my husband left after over a decade together and it shattered my heart but I survived. I am now with a partner, and say children. If something happened to him it would hurt but if my children had something happen to them I would not want to be here.

@squanderedcore and @Radioheadrestart - like both your posts and agree with what you say.

She used to say i knew your dad would eventually grow up, get his own life and I wouldn’t just need to be his mum all the time, I was a wife and a partnership too. I knew I had to love your grandad enough that I could stay with him after your dad had gone out. I would still bend over backwards and walk through fire for your dad but the love is very different. I completely understand that these days
Awh that is very sweet.
She is right you need to love both it is okay to love your DC more but it is as important to show a united front with your partner against the wee ones too.

It is a different love, but if I had to choose between husband or children, it would be my children evey single time!

I think I'd rather die myself than go through the pain of losing any of them - so that's who I chose - me! Which is quite selfish really.

@OverTheRainbow88

Without a doubt... although my OH actually behaved better during lockdown

[quote Yoir]@OutComeTheWolves

I would kill for my children if it came down to it. I would die for them if it came down to it. Wives are replaceable and I wouldn’t do either of the above for my wife.[/quote]
Thanks for your answer Yoir . I've always wondered just because I know two men in my circle who have chosen not to be in their child's life but I don't personally know any women who've made the same choice although obviously they exist. I've never wanted to ask my husband because I didn't want to get in to the who do you love more conversation.

I remember a women at work telling me that once I have a child (bearing in mind I was struggling ttc) that I wouldn't love my husband as much and I wouldn't miss him if he was away.
I remember thinking.... WTF?!
Now I have a child.
The love for a child doesn't compare to your husband as it's a totally different kind of love! Like a love for your Mam isn't the same love you have for your husband or your child!

This is the same women who told me when my IVF cycle failed 'I know it's not the same as a child, but how would you feel getting a dog!?' When she has 2 children and just got a puppy!
People are crackers!!!

It's a different kind of love but I love them equally.

DCs are the most precious things and DP is my (hopefully) lifelong partner in crime.
One day when they are older it will be just the two of us again.

I love them equally but if it was a life and death situation (like pulling someone out of a burning house kind of thing) I would choose to go for DCs first even if it most likely meant DP wouldn't make it and I know DP would approve and same the other way around for obvious reasons.

Haha I just asked. He looked at me like I was stupid and said the kids. So right answer. I told him I liked him Moore at 4 am though

I love my husband a great deal, I would be deeply sad for the rest of my life if he were to die but if I lost both my children I’d just kill myself.

I’m not even that into kids in general and I find being around mine a bit difficult at times to be perfectly honest. I never understood how someone could live anything or anyone more than their children.

I think it's a different kind of love. But ultimately yes I love my son more than my husband and if I had to choose between them I would always choose my son first.