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Original poster

Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

491 replies

sage46 · 17/07/2020 20:00

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

OP posts:
Busymum45 · 19/07/2020 10:33

It's hard to say who do you love more as it's very different but my children first

U2HasTheEdge · 19/07/2020 12:16

I always think this is a really bizarre question.

Why compare love? The love between a parent and child is different to that of partners.

I have a stronger biological urge to protect my children of course.

I am not sure I believe in unconditional love for anyone though. I think everyone has a breaking point, it is just that for most of us, we thankfully aren't pushed to that point with our children, because it takes extreme circumstances for that to happen.

If my child turned into a horrific monster of a person would I still love them? I might love the old them, I might still have the strong biological pull, and many complex feelings, but I am not sure that is love. I guess that comes down to how you define love though.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/07/2020 12:20

Obviously my children. Dp is their step dad and I've always said to him.
Be prepared because my dc will always come first. If you cant handle that walk away now

Wow way to make him feel special! I mean, sure that can be your intention, but to “always say it to him” is a bit shit.

FWIW when I was dating, I would ignore any man who has that in his profile. You’re looking for a partner, you have xyz expectations of them, but right off the bat you want them to know they’ll come second to the whims of your child? Nah.

Any decent parent will put their child’s needs first, of course, but to start a relationship saying “hi, nice to meet you, hope you can swim because if there’s only one life jacket, my kid’s getting it” (yes, I actually read that on a dating profile!) is not the kind of woo-ing I’m looking for Grin

Whatafustercluck · 19/07/2020 12:23

My love for my children is unconditional. My love for dh is conditional upon him not doing things like having an affair, treating me and the DC well and not being an arse etc. So in that sense, I suppose my love for them is all consuming and therefore 'more'.

Branleuse · 19/07/2020 12:36

I love my dp to bits, but I love my dc more and tbh I think i love my mum more because those feel completely unconditional, but while dp comes close and id be devastated for anything to happen to him, its not the same

yomommasmomma · 19/07/2020 12:53

Different kind of love, but I think the relationship with your spouse is the most important thing. The family will not survive and children will not be happy if parents are not a unit in love. Mothers should priorities their husbands more, relationship between parents is key to the children's happiness and sanity.

Also good luck to those saying they love their children more, when the children leave home and you get left with the DH who you ignored for 18 years.

LaureBerthaud · 19/07/2020 14:38

I am curious about those who think their DH/partner is “replaceable”

Yes, the if he dies, he dies attitude is bizarre.

girlicorne · 19/07/2020 14:46

My children. I didn’t even have to think about that response!

patas · 19/07/2020 16:39

My mum said the same to me when I was younger op.
I remember being really shocked as my Dm & dd had a terrible relationship and he clearly didn't love her.
My Dm with very religious though (eg I'm sure she wouldn't think you could be raped by your husband etc) and I think she meant that her loyalty would always be to him over her children.
It's a shame, because actually if she put more into us that into him and managed to find a way to leave him we would have all been a lot happier.
I don't know anyone who loves their partner more than their children, but you do see relationship where the man has a lot more power (mostly financial) than the woman and so they have to pretend!

Surviving1 · 19/07/2020 16:41

Not so sure you should love your children more than your husband, but so long as you love your husband more than you love yourself then everything should be ok for all.

I think it is different for Partnerships, because partners can devise their own rules/ commitments/ obligations, but if you marry you take a certain set of marriage vows you should try and be faithful to.

patas · 19/07/2020 16:42

@yomommasmomma

Different kind of love, but I think the relationship with your spouse is the most important thing. The family will not survive and children will not be happy if parents are not a unit in love. Mothers should priorities their husbands more, relationship between parents is key to the children's happiness and sanity.

Also good luck to those saying they love their children more, when the children leave home and you get left with the DH who you ignored for 18 years.

You might want to read my post!
Bakedtreat · 19/07/2020 18:52

Dh and I are really strong together- it's not that the kids are less, they are important but we all have our place. Dh and I don't put each other before the kids but we don't put the kids before each other either, I like to think everyone gets what they need, when they need it. The kids will need to move on and move out and I'm not dreading that time - it's what we've been working towards for 17 years and I'm hoping we'll all be ready for it.

stitchmaker85 · 19/07/2020 18:57

Absolutely love my DD more than my DH. It's just unconditional, relationships can come and go but your children are yours for life.

Of course I'd be devastated if anything happened to DH or we split up, but if it were my DD I don't think I'd ever get over it.

Bakedtreat · 19/07/2020 19:17

How would all the parents who would love their kids beyond everything else in life feel about their kids moving to the other side of the world for ever?

pleasecaffeinateme · 19/07/2020 19:26

My fiancé and I had this conversation. We love each other so much but we both love our DS more. Which I'm so glad about. He is our number one priority and that's how it should be. If my fiancé cheated on me or deceived me in an unforgivable way, that'd be it. There's nothing that my DS could do that would make me desert him. In the same way that if one of us passed away, there is potential to find someone else to be with but you don't do that if you lose your child.

MiffedMuch78 · 19/07/2020 19:39

I love them equally but very differently.

Yes I'd survive losing my DP where as less so my DD but the 2 really can't be compared.

One is unconditional love and the other is a choice.

BoingBoingyBoing · 19/07/2020 19:47

Such a weird, slightly morbid question to even ask.

Himbeerrot · 19/07/2020 19:50

At this moment in time I like my dh more than most of my dc but I have been around them 24/7.
But I definitely love my children more. Without a doubt.
If I lost dh I would be heartbroken and struggle to go on
But if I lost my dc I fear I would die

MaxNormal · 19/07/2020 20:02

Those of you with adult children who no longer live with you, who are still happily married to their father, do things shift? Do you start to feel like you love your husband equally at some stage, as he's in your daily life the way the children no longer are?

CherryPavlova · 19/07/2020 20:59

@MaxNormal

Those of you with adult children who no longer live with you, who are still happily married to their father, do things shift? Do you start to feel like you love your husband equally at some stage, as he's in your daily life the way the children no longer are?
Absolutely. I also think if everything focuses on children and not the relationship of the parents, it creates a tension and risks the couple only being co-parents.

I think if you survive parenting and move into your post children phase together then it’s inevitable you become closer again as you have shared memories, you remember why you laugh together and want to plan for fun days ahead.

meow1989 · 19/07/2020 21:04

Yes, and he loves ds more than me. Dh and I are incredibly in love with each other but ds comes tops.

Before having ds I would have said if dh died then I would want to too. Now I would have to cope for ds but goodness forbid if anything ever happened to ds, I'm gone.

xxKatie9806xx · 19/07/2020 21:07

I had a similar conversation with my mum when I was about 8. I asked if she loved us (her kids) more than her partner (now my stepdad, they’d only been together about a year at the time), and she said she loved her partner and us kids all the same. I remember feeling shocked and really hurt.
I love my children more

MorrisZapp · 19/07/2020 21:09

If my love for my DS is a football pitch, my love for my DP is a postage stamp.

Absolutely on different planets. DP is great, but DS is my heart and my soul.

eaglejulesk · 19/07/2020 21:13

Different kind of love, but I think the relationship with your spouse is the most important thing. The family will not survive and children will not be happy if parents are not a unit in love. Mothers should priorities their husbands more, relationship between parents is key to the children's happiness and sanity.

Also good luck to those saying they love their children more, when the children leave home and you get left with the DH who you ignored for 18 years.

You've hit the nail right on the head!

Sandiepatterson · 19/07/2020 21:20

Of course the children. And I would want him to love them more than me too.