Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

[sage46]

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

@MaxNormal...so if your dh was unfaithful, you would still love him? Or hit you?

That is possibly one of the worst reasons to be childless I have ever heard!

One thing I don't understand is just because you have a child does not mean the love will always be unconditional.

I have seen examples where the child is abusive but because the love is supposed to be 'unconditional' the parent is supposed to turn a blind eye? And if that was the husband doing the same thing we should not give them an excuse either both should be kicked out regardless but because they are your child you are supposed to turn a blind eye?

Not all children are loving to their parents even though they tried their best for them so why should we always expect parents to love them unconditionally when in some cases they ignore you, don't care for you etc.. And for people saying you could still live if your spouse died. Yes you could but will it be easy no. Many spouses have done a lot for their other half which you never forget. You never forget the happy memories, the times they helped you, the days they made you happy etc.. Even if 20 years passes, you never forget that person.

Some of you are so intense it's almost comical. Under what circumstances would you actually need to die or kill for your kids?

Those of you saying your kids are your life - what about when they are older and have - to use that twee MN phrase - their own little family will you still be so intense and looking for an opportunity to throw your DH under a bus to show what a passionate mama bear you are?

ELCHEMA I don't think unconditional love means you have to turn a blind eye. After all, if that were the case, who could ever discipline a toddler?

I could see myself asking a child to leave. I could even see myself reporting my child to the police for a crime that would get them put away for life if I thought that was my duty to society. I would certainly refuse to perjure myself to protect a child, not just because of society, but also because I have a duty to myself as well. That wouldn't necessarily affect my love for them though, any more than not buying vodka for my 15yo or letting his friends smoke weed in my house meant I didn't love him.

Ds knows I would love him whatever he did, but that I would never do anything I considered wrong because that is not a necessary consequence of love. I would report him to the police- and visit him in prison.

I know a lot of couples would say that they love each other more than their DC. But I feel that it's very wrong to tell your DC that that's the case. I remember that my DM told us that she loved our F more than us. She was always very devoted to him. It meant that we didn't think she would step in to protect us if we told her that he was sexually abusing us. (I understand now that this really wouldn't have been the case. Her love for his memory (he died 22 years ago) turned to hate as soon as she knew what had happened.

I personally think it's odd that people want to compare the two. Love for a DC is completely different from love for a DP. My DH and I are very close and love each other very much. But if it was a choice of who to save, say in a fire, it would be our DDs first without a doubt.

It's a completely different kind of love.

My kids have all grown up and are building lives of their own. DH and I have been married 36 years now, and together 41. We expect to be together for the rest of our lives and so it's my 'primary' relationship, just as my kid's partners are their primary relationships.

But if I imagine losing one of them I know I could limp on without my husband - one of us will be left alone one day - but I feel I would be devastated forever by the death of one of my children.

Any of the 'who to save scenarios' never work for me because all I can think of is that, except maybe my youngest, everyone's fucked. I'm not physically strong enough to pull any of them out of a river or drag them out of a fire, no adrenaline is going to fix that. My oldest has been stronger than I am since he was about 12 or so.

Any of them dying would be horrific, but plenty of people go on with those losses so I'm not getting comparing those. It would also be pretty equally horrific if either my spouse or one of my kids became like a violent abuser and I don't think I could really love them if that happened -- I guess nothing to me is unconditional so that doesn't work either.

And, maybe it's just me, but I'd totally fight someone for my spouse at my own personal risk just as I would my kids. My spouse and I are both very 'I don't care what you say about me, but I'll defend the other from everything'. There have been multiple times where it took everything to not go full in on some asshole.

I don't really think love is a quantifiable comparable thing or that the comparison does any good. Like, how do you even compare a child you're raisin to leave with someone you're hoping to grow old with? The closest I can think of is who would I pick to talk to for the rest of my life and most of the time, I prefer to talk with my spouse. Lovely chats with the kids, but it's not really the same.

@Prettybluepigeons wow that's a bit judgemental! Who have I hurt with my choice?
I said one of the many reasons - actually I had one reason, that I didn't want any, but it was a nice thought that we'd always have someone that loved us best in the world.

If he hit me I would think he had a brain tumour! If he cheated I'd be devastated and that would be that I suppose.

@sage46 my mum said something similar years ago. I do still think about it and feel sad. She’s a great mum and loves me and my sister loads too but I just can’t imagine loving a partner more than my child. Or feeling the need to tell them!

Diff kind of love. Same amount of love for all of them but it's a different love for husband than for kids

People who say their children are their lives and they love them more than their partner are going to have a nasty shock when their children grow up.
Your children will grow move out, have their own lives and family. You will suddenly be left empty living with someone you don't even love as much as others.
That's incredibly sad.
Your life shouldn't just be about your children, you need to make time for your partner. After all you chose them but you didn't chose your children.
I still don't understand how you can compare love for your children with love for your partner. Surely for everyone it's a different type of love.

I don't really see the need to have this conversation or compare the two.

It's a totally different kind of love. I love my dc unconditionally, my instinct is to nurture and protect them. Their needs tend to come first right now.

But they will grow up and leave home, getting on with their own lives, and hopefully dh and I will still be together enjoying a bit of peace and quiet and hopefully still here when the dc need us or even maybe grandchildren.

To be fair, Rosebel, your partner may also leave you. Or die. Or turn into a grumpy old man who doesn't add much joy to your life.

I think the trick is that, while it's fine to feel yourself filled with love for your children or your spouse, to always keep an interest in life outside, to have a purpose and things to do and a zest for life that is not just about them. Love doesn't have to equate "only way in which I can keep myself occupied".

As multiple people have already said, it's a different love and I couldn't honestly say which I loved more.

I am obviously very protective of my children even though they are adults now. If anyone tried to hurt them I would kill for them. I would do most things in my power to make sure they are happy and content with life. However I'm no martyr to them. I do draw the line sometimes and I do sometimes say no to them, although rarely. Out of my husband and my children, it's my children that give me the most stress and worry and sometimes I find myself resenting that. Sorry to be so blunt.

I've been with my husband for almost 4 decades now and we still love each other. We do argue. In fact we did today over the wording of a reply on Gumtree, of all things. However he is the one person that I can spend lots of time with and not get irritated. We have lots of shared interests, common values and a very happy home life. I honestly can't bear to think of life without him because I love him and would miss him so much.

I think the real difference is that our children grow up, leave home and make their own families. My husband is the one who I live with and share every up and down with. That's as special to me as my bond with my children.

I once had a conversation with my friend when our children were little about who you would save in a particular scenario. If a car went in to a river and you could only save your children or your husband , who would you save? Without a doubt I said children because that would be instinct kicking in. Children would struggle to save themselves and husband would have to help himself. My friend said husband because she could always have more children. Still shocked at that response.

DC 100%.

Definitely. As a PP said, life would go on without DH but the devastation I would feel at losing one of my dc would be unbearable I think.

Your life shouldn't just be about your children, you need to make time for your partner. After all you chose them but you didn't chose your children.

Or you could even try and find a balance where you're not entirely defined by your relationships and have lots of stuff going on for you as an individual outside your kids and partner. I do think it's a bit of a shame if a woman has nothing in her life but her kids, but it's even sadder, perhaps because it's so much more avoidable, when she has no life outside her partner.

Our son is a result of my love for my husband. We made him together so I'd say it's an equal love but different.

My love for my son is visceral. I can't control it. It's pure and it's biological and it's just there. It's everything to me.

However, my love for my husband is a choice and it is deep. I chose my husband to be my partner for life and we have been together since we were at school. When our children are grown and have their own lives we will (hopefully) still have each other.

As a PP said, the love story is ours, and any children are along for the ride. We are a team first and foremost and our son and any future child will join our team 😊

But I should say that my husband could break my heart and if I needed to I would leave him. Like I say, it's a choice. I chose him and choose to stay with him and love him every day.

So from that point of view it is very different and tbh I scare myself at how fiercely i love my son so it's different.

I wouldn't say whilst in a happy marriage that either love is 'more than the other'

I would. And I also agree with all the "it's a different kind of love", etc. posts. But I don't understand the "depends how you define love" stuff.

I know it's a different kind of love. I'm happily married and love my husband very much.

But I love my kids more. It's not really difficult for me to say that. The feeling of love is just stronger.

My DC, without a doubt. Definitely the same for my DH too

My mum told me once when I was a teenager that she loved my dad more than she loved my sister and me. I told her that was fine, as I loved dad more than I loved her. Still do

Tricky.....I probably love my kids more than my DH, but then I also love my cat more than the kids.....

Equally in different ways. I’ve known my husband since I started secondary school. I can’t imagine life without him or without my children. If I had to rescue one though it would always be my children.

of course i love my child more than my husband Yes, they are different kinds of love, but at the end of the day i’d save ds over dh given the choice (and dh would
do the same)