Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

[sage46]

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

When I was a teenager, I remember my mother saying that she loved us and my Dad just as much as each other, but that it was a different sort of love. She also said that because she 'chose' my Dad and because he'd be around long after we left home, it would be him she jumped into a river to save, not us! She's not the most 'maternal' sort and although I did sort of understand her logic, I was still offended.

She did also say that she knew my Dad didn't feel the same, he'd jump in and save us over her every single time. And still would, even though we've all long grown up and left home.

@Heidi1976

I wouldn't say whilst in a happy marriage that either love is 'more than the other', but that love for the children is unconditional whereas love for a partner isn't. That's the difference for me. It's also a big reason for me why more effort should be required in the conditional love relationship, as it requires more nurturing due to the naturally more fragile nature of it.

This sums it up perfectly for me. I love the bones of DH, he's a great man and I'd hope that we'll remain together, but there's nothing unconditional about it. There are actions which would end our marriage and he knows that.

I love DH in the way that I could be whole without him, awful as it may be to lose a spouse. I love the DC in the way that I don't think I'd ever be whole if I lost them.

@Englishgirl9

My dad is like this - where he puts my mum first before the children. His parents were the same.

My dads reasoning for why he loved mum more was that he chose his wife, but he didn't choose us ( you just get what you're given when you have a kid). I think this has always been a slight cause of tension between him and my mum (still married) as she always put her children first and definitely loved us more.

Ah, that's exactly how my mother put it - she chose my Dad, she didn't choose 'us' as individuals per se, so it was almost like she had more of a responsibility to like and love my Dad as she'd always love us because we were her kids. Whoever we were and whatever we became.

I couldn’t go on without DP, I always remember having this weird convo with DP and asking if in childbirth it was a choice of picking me or baby who would he save and he said me. I’ve been with DP since we were 18, in a hypothetical emergency situation I would save him over anyone else.

Dh is the love of my life but I would throw him under a bus to save the kids.

😬

My dads reasoning for why he loved mum more was that he chose his wife, but he didn't choose us ( you just get what you're given when you have a kid). I think this has always been a slight cause of tension between him and my mum
Tbf I think many men are like that the DC are an add on to their relationship.
My Dad definitely loved my DM more than us mind you he was a prick to her too.

@verybritishproblems

I couldn’t go on without DP, I always remember having this weird convo with DP and asking if in childbirth it was a choice of picking me or baby who would he save and he said me. I’ve been with DP since we were 18, in a hypothetical emergency situation I would save him over anyone else.

Do you have kids?

@verybritishproblems Do you have DC together. Would you save him over your DC? I definitely wouldn't if a lion was approaching one of the parents would definitely be on the menu

I didn’t think I could love anyone more than my DH and my DD, then my Grandson was born.

I love my DH and children very much, however that love cant be equally compared or quantified. It’s a different type of love...

Loving my DH is a choice, I choose to love him and I make the effort to keep on loving him every day. If he were to hurt me/do something terrible could I turn that love off like a switch, no I don’t think I could. I would however be able to learn to stop loving him, to carry on living, move on and learn to love again.

My children on the other hand, I absolutely can not imagine anything that they could do that would stop me loving them. I love them endlessly and without question. The love for children is unconditional. Loving my children is not a choice, loving them is just something I do and I don’t think I could stop loving them even if I wanted to.

Yes, without a doubt. My children trump everyone. I hope my dh would say the same!

Definitely the children! I love them unconditionally. I adore my husband but that relationship depends on many factors, for example fidelity and us continuing to be compatible in years to come.

I'd be devistated if my partner died. Id die if my child died. Child all the way.

For me, it goes

Dog

Son

Husband

@66redballons

Why did you ask your mum that ? What an odd and insecure question.

In my case, I didn’t ask. We were talking about a family member who ended her engagement because her fiancé didn’t get on with her children. My mum said that family member was stupid because her fiancé would still be there when her children grew up and left home and she should have prioritised him over the children. My mum thought your children will be your children no matter what. My stepdad needed more effort to maintain that relationship so he was put above me and my brother. What she didn’t realise was, while she will always be our mum, we needed more than just a mum in name. Subsequently, neither of us really bother with her now. In fairness, she’s still deliriously happy with my stepdad, or so she tells anyone who will listen.

Do you have kids?

Haha I was waiting for this comment. The assumption being if I did I’d totally understand because how could I possibly know if I didn’t have them. If I say I do I’ll obviously be some unfit mother not fit to have them if I don’t then I can’t comment as I just can’t understand... so forgive me if I don’t answer

@verybritishproblems

Do you have kids?

Haha I was waiting for this comment. The assumption being if I did I’d totally understand because how could I possibly know if I didn’t have them. If I say I do I’ll obviously be some unfit mother not fit to have them if I don’t then I can’t comment as I just can’t understand... so forgive me if I don’t answer

It’s sort of the point of the whole thread though so you’ve just come on to stir. Nice.

No I haven’t come on to stir. So many assumptions, just because I won’t bite. I’ve answered the question. I’d choose DP.

I answered the question, people were digging for more as they don’t believe someone could feel differently to the majority here. People have their opinions and I haven’t berated anyone for it, just given my answer. That’s stirring... ok...

I have been with my dh for 30 years, I can’t even remember a life before him I love him dearly but I would kill and die for my children, my love for my dc is unconditional. I know I will love them forever, hope I can say the same for dh but that kind of love isn’t guaranteed, the love I have for my kids is.

I know a lot of people who would choose their husband over their children, because they are the one they chose to face the world with, and that their kids were a product of that relationship, why choose the product of the relationship over actually saving the relationship. Whilst I feel like that's a lovely sentiment to have for your partner, without doubt I'd choose my child.
12 or 60, I chose to protect her for the rest of my life, and that's what I'd do in any situation.
It's something that sits fairly uneasy with me because I love him and sometimes think it would be great if he entered a marriage where even for a few years his wife would choose to save him if there were a tragic emergency, but hes never going to have that feeling from me.
All he can ever know is that it would be the hardest decision of my life, and I'd never find anyone who I could love almost as much as I do DD except for him.
I'd let anyone else die to save him ....even my dog.

@verybritishproblems

No I haven’t come on to stir. So many assumptions, just because I won’t bite. I’ve answered the question. I’d choose DP.

The thread is spouse OR children. You didn’t mention children so it’s reasonable to ask if you have them. You’re definitely fishing for some kind or argument. It’s very odd.

I always find it weird when people try to rank their partner and children tbh!

Obviously there might come a time when I could split up from DP and never see him again and, although there would no doubt be sadness and a sense of loss for a while, I’d get over it, and potentially find someone else who made me feel loved and secure. If I never saw one of my DCs again it would break my heart irreparably.

However, on a day to day basis, my DC have their own lives and they go and stay with their dad sometimes. At first that was hard, but several years down the line I love waving them off and knowing I have a couple of days to myself! But when DP leaves to go home I feel a sense of loss and I physically miss his presence. When he’s away on business for a week or two I yearn for him. I need the cuddle and kisses - and the sex of course - to feel that love, and when he’s away from me I really struggle. I FEEL the love more strongly for DP on a day to day basis because we kiss and cuddle a lot, gaze adoringly at each other and tell each other how much we love each other all the time.

With the DCs they’ll give me a hug maybe once a day and we spend a lot of time together, but now they’re teens it isn’t the sort of physical cuddly love that you have with a baby or toddler.

But I don’t think that difference is about levels of love per se. It’s about how I express/receive the love from each of them. And with DP it’s a real physical intimacy, whereas with the DC it’s more of a background emotion that I don’t feel on a daily basis, but would notice more deeply if anything (god forbid) ever happened to one of them.

All the people who go on about who they’d save in a fire etc are just talking about responsibility and being an actual parent, not about love.

If I had a choice to spend a weeks holiday with either DP or my DC I’d choose DP, because when it’s just the two of us I feel relaxed and happy. I love spending time with my DC too but it’s also work and pressure in a way that my time with DP isn’t, so it’s easier to recognise the love in that case.

It's also a big reason for me why more effort should be required in the conditional love relationship, as it requires more nurturing due to the naturally more fragile nature of it.

That’s a good point too.

This is one of the many reasons I opted to remain child-free. I wanted DH and I to always love each other most in the world.