90 year old

[sangrias]

Unfortunately my DH's grandfather has been unwell and may have a cancerous tumour.
He is 90 and in fairly ok health otherwise, living independently.

My DH has taken it really badly. He is very upset and has been staying with family while dear grandfather is in hospital (coming out today after 3day stay). I've been at home with our kids, which is fine.

So here's my AIBU. Or maybe my 'am I a heartless bitch'. But I feel like DH being shocked and devastated at the news is a bit much... he's completely floored by it.

To me it seems making it to 90 is a massive achievement but we can't expect everyone to go on living in ok health for ever and ever.
Some day there's going to be something. My own grandmother is a few years younger, I love her to pieces but am aware she will one day die, sad as it will be. DH seems not to have braced himself at all. He's feeling extremely emotional. I am letting him get on with it while being available to offer practical support where I can.

you seem to be blaming your husband for his suffering.
as if he chose to be affected like this, or omitted to reason himself out of it.
you do sound hard and cold. or as if you don't understand what love is.

Sorry, but yabu and to me you sound rather unfeeling. Maybe he just feels emotional things more keenly?

Is it the first time he’s experienced a potential bereavement? It can hit you like a ton of bricks when you love a person.

Just be supportive and practical. Don’t, fgs, say he’s had a good innings.

Yes YABU

Someone you’ve known your entire life gets a possibly life ending diagnosis. That will hit you like a wall regardless of their age.

Maybe you’ve just been lucky enough not to lose anyone this way or have to ace the possibility but I think you need to look at why it bothers you so much that your husband is upset.

Have you ever been bereaved, op? Especially by a loved one dying of cancer.
You can "be prepared " all you like but it's devastating.
I lost my Mum and Dad to cancer. I am in my mid fifties. As tough as I think I am it still can make me cry.
Cut him some slack. You don't have to pretend to feel things you don't feel.

YABU
You really are being unreasonable. Everyone grieves in a different way/ responds to difficult news differently. It’s still only fresh too.

However I also understand your reaction. I feel the same with my husband about certain things that I think he ‘overreacts’ to. I just have to hold that thought in and try to make sure I’m responding compassionately.

Its not the news itself, it's the realisation that this is likely it and he might be enjoying the last month's of weeks of his dad's life. Yes, you are coming across as not very empathetic.

Holy crap

Did I read this right?

Your husband has a relative that's dying. Yet you think he's overly sad???

Glad I'm not your family. My grandmother was the closest person ever to me. The ONLY family member that really cared for me. I was horribly devastated when she died.

On the other part. When my husbands grandmother dies. I'll be in my bed for days. She's a wonderful woman who makes our heart warm.

Yes I have lost people too. Close loved ones.

The one that hit me hardest was younger and very unexpected.

I'm happy to be told IABU. I thought I probably was.

Sorry to be pedantic and it doesn't really change anything , but it's grandfather not dad.
They're not particularly close - or so I thought.

Yeah, that does sound a bit heartless.

Grief, especially pre-grief is rough. Perhaps your DH has always been close with his grandfather, perhaps he's been like a second dad. Perhaps this is your DH's first experience of getting ready to lose someone they really love.

Yes, 90 is a fantastic age to get to, and in the months and years to come, your DH will be able to look back and realise how much he was to have a close relationship with his g-father all those years. And will appreciate that g-father had a long and happy life.

But that doesn't really help in the here and now. YABVU.

I think it depends more on health than age. When my grandad died it hit me really hard because it was sudden as few months prior he had been very very healthy. But when my grandma died it was more of a relief as she had been suffering for years and she had had enough and wanted it to end.

But regardless we can't tell someone what they should feel when a loved one dies. It is obviously very hard for him.

There's knowing that, logically, time is running out for someone. And then there is facing the reality that time is running out right now. Everyone expects the 'sometime' to come at some point, but when it becomes 'right now' it still hits you like a ton of bricks because you always expect sometime to be some other time.

I'd be with you OP, in thinking this is a reminder to celebrate his amazing innings. I guess we're both weirdos. When my mom died I was the only one not surprised -- her demise (sudden) was so obviously coming because of her unhealthy lifestyle. This has happened a few times, other people shocked by a death but in contrast I thought "but surely you knew this could happen at any time...." I can't ever understand.

I don't think you're heartless. My GM is in her late 80s and although i'll obviously be upset when she dies or becomes ill, I wouldn't be floored by it because of her age.

Did he have a close relationship with grandparents when he was young ..sometimes it can be the realisation that your family are getting old and frail. Sometimes its a reminder that life cannot be taken for granted and we feel guilty or have regrets if we havent spent much time with them. This lockdown has made a lot of people feel very low. Just support him and be there.

I don't think youre being heartless at all. While I agree that now is perhaps not the time to tell your husband his GF has had a good innings, the fact remains that he has! It's not exactly a tragedy. Perhaps you've experienced a tragic death and that informs your perspective. It does mine!

For your husband to be floored by this news is ridiculous. Shock horror, 90 year old gets sick. I also never understand it when people get hysterical when old people die. It’s the cycle of life.

I understand. I had lost both my parents by age 34. Rightly or wrongly, I am always a bit when people are shocked by the deaths of grandparents. Bereavement has made me a somewhat less caring / empathetic person to be honest. Awful to say but its true.

I was devastated when my Nan died. She was mid 80s and I knew it would happen at some point but I still wasn’t prepared for it when it did happen.

I think you’re being a bit heartless to be honest.

@Idontlikewednesdays

For your husband to be floored by this news is ridiculous. Shock horror, 90 year old gets sick. I also never understand it when people get hysterical when old people die. It’s the cycle of life.

Fucking hell!

I'm with you op. Getting to 90 is fantastic especially if they've been fit for most of it. None of us lives forever nor expects anyone else to so it shouldn't come as such a surprise to him that a 90 year old will be closer to death than most.
My ex was like this, he wailed when a distant relative died after a very long illness and a very long hospital stay. It felt extreme and not in proportion if you know what I mean, it felt some what rehearsed as his family were all the same.
Of course I'm not cold hearted, I was also sad they'd died so I never told him how he should be behaving or seen to be behaving, just comforted where I could and offered practical support.

his grief is normal, have some patience op.

@hollieberrie - snap, my mum died when I was 13 and my dad when I was 35 so both parents long gone. Funnily enough no one ever wants to acknowledge that but when a friend has a 90+ relative die its as if the world has ended. I find it difficult to understand but have often read threads similar to this - e.g., someone's 99 year old step auntie has died yet their grief is the same as a child losing a parent. But hey, we're all different.