90 year old

[sangrias]

Unfortunately my DH's grandfather has been unwell and may have a cancerous tumour.
He is 90 and in fairly ok health otherwise, living independently.

My DH has taken it really badly. He is very upset and has been staying with family while dear grandfather is in hospital (coming out today after 3day stay). I've been at home with our kids, which is fine.

So here's my AIBU. Or maybe my 'am I a heartless bitch'. But I feel like DH being shocked and devastated at the news is a bit much... he's completely floored by it.

To me it seems making it to 90 is a massive achievement but we can't expect everyone to go on living in ok health for ever and ever.
Some day there's going to be something. My own grandmother is a few years younger, I love her to pieces but am aware she will one day die, sad as it will be. DH seems not to have braced himself at all. He's feeling extremely emotional. I am letting him get on with it while being available to offer practical support where I can.

I know where you're coming from OP.

My Mum died in her fifties. My Dad is now 88, and although I will of course be terribly sad when he dies, it won't be as devastating as it was losing my Mum when she was a relatively young age.

@Waxonwaxoff0

I understand where you are coming from but I'm fairly pragmatic about death anyway. We all have to die of something.

Yip.

This is my perspective as well.

Is there some cut off age of those who can be grieved for OP?!

But that's partly it. There is nothing to grieve. He hasn't as yet been confirmed to have cancer. No diagnosis no treatment plan. And is certainly not dead.

This is party of why I am finding my DH's tremendous shock and devastation tricky to understand. The fact that his DGF is very elderly is important, because I'd never dream I'd get to 90 without some health problems. I think by 90 it's realistic to expect health problems and possible death. I can't imagine assuming otherwise.

Woah. Yabu.
No matter how you prepared you are for a loved one to get towards the end of their life, it doesn't stop that feeling of the world crashing around you when it happens.
Please support your dh, and allow him to feel these emotions.

I'm sorry for your loss, those that have shared. Grief seems to be a very individual and personal thing.

And the post about the little girl who lost her mum and the school told her class mates never to mention it, that's heartbreaking. I hope it's not like that anymore.

@sangrias
From the sounds of it, it has just hit him that his grandfather is at an age where any illness could be potentially life ending. Let him grieve that, just because he isn't dead doesn't mean your dh is grieving the life he once had.

My parents are in their mid eighties. They have several medical problems each and there have been crises throughout lockdown.

I am almost 54.

I do realise that I am very fortunate to still have both of them around. I try hard to be very thankful for that, and I am. What I find very hard to deal with though is the slowly growing feeling of borrowed time. I put it to the back of my mind whenever I see them but I am very aware that one day, possibly not too long in the future, it will confront me head on. I'm unsure how I will deal with it. I am dreading it and mentally trying to prepare in equal measure and it feels really strange.

Your DH feels how he feels. You can't change that and nor can he Your different take on it could also be partly down to the fact that his grandfather is not related to you, as well as to how you view his age.

Yes, he is very old and you could say he has had a good long innings. From that point of view it is part of the natural and accepted course of life rather than being the tragedy it would be if he was a much younger man.

However, it also means that he has been a big part of your DH's family's life for as long as any of the younger generations can remember. Your DH and his parents have never known life without him. It will still leave a big hole.

So, whilst I understand your perspective, I don't subscribe to it myself. We are all different.

YANBU. All of my grandparents are dead now, all of them had been suffering from various ailments and illnesses before they died so it wasn't a shock. Like you OP, I feel that they had a good long life, lived to see their great grandchildren and it was their time to go, nobody lasts forever. I've seen a relative die unexpectedly in his 40s and 2 friends become widows in their 20s and 30s though so I probably am quite "hard-hearted" about the death of an elderly person compared to the death of a person taken before their time, leaving a young family behind in 2 of those cases I mentioned.

Another one here who lost all parents and grandparents by mid-thirties and agree he sounds overly dramatic. Perhaps it’s the first bereavement he has experienced.

I think families approach death differently. I was surprised by my DH's families reaction to the death of their terminally ill GF. I knew they would be sad of course (as I was too) but they hadn't thought anything about funerals etc and it all seemed like a massive shock when it happened. He'd been close to death for a good while so I couldn't believe they hadn't sorted all this stuff out! My family is much more 'practical' and some would say 'cold' about death. Not that we don't care and we of course get very upset and grieve, but for an elderly person to get sick and ultimately die - I'd feel the same as you. Yes it's sad, but it's also inevitable and surely people had considered the eventuality at some point.

[quote Sharkerr]@Milsplus3

It is actually quite different an experience losing someone who has reached their seventies or above, who has had a long life, compared to losing someone prematurely. The grief is different. Full of a bit more ‘it’s just not fair, it’s too soon, why did they have to miss out on so much, I thought I had more time’, and a bit less comfort by the fact it’s the natural order of things.

OP I wonder if he has something else going on you’re not aware of to have gone to bits over this.[/quote]
Possibly for you, but anyone I have lost I have grieved the person and their memories/role in my life, their age was never a factor in my mourning. If I lost a grandparent at 40 or 90 I would still be devastated at not having that person in my life, regardless of if they went too soon or had lived a long fulfilled life. Death isn’t easier because they have reached the ‘correct age’ to pass, it’s still hard to let them go, and even more so if they are 90 and have been around for several generations’ memories. I’m shocked there are people that have the mindset of ‘oh well he’s lived to 90 there’s no point grieving him’.
OPs husband is aware that death may be soon and he’s quite clearly struggling with that thought but OP is patronising him for his feelings.

Yabu to expect him to not be very upset.

However a parent doesn't just get to move out and abdicate responsibility in my opinion.

Both of my grandparents and my dad died between May 2018 and December 2019. It was the hardest period of my life but I have a young son that I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving during that period for more time than absolutely necessary (sitting by hospital beds at the very end)

NO there is something else going on . This is his outlet.

@Milsplus3

OP is patronising him

Could you clarify your point here. What have you found to be patronising him?

Funnily enough despite COVID-19 I don’t think we talk about death enough.
I am always surprised when people are so shocked when someone in their 80/90s dies. Surely by that age you must be expecting it at any time?
My parents both died in their 80s but my grief can’t be as bad as that if a friend who lost a son who was in his 20s.

I’m with you also. I understand how upsetting it can be coming to terms with a relatives or even your own mortality, but I never really understand why people are so shocked when a very elderly relative dies, it’s awful and can be heartbreaking, but not shocking, even if they were in good health.

@DishingOutDone
@formerbabe

I think loosing a mum early has a simply enormous affect on your life.

You never get over it and the loss of your greatest champion.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

OP, I'm with you I'm afraid.

Adored all of my incredible GP's...truly loved by them and adored them.

They all died 89-95 and there was gentle sadness and huge grateful ness for the luck I had in having them in my life until my late 20's.

Hysterical grief is 🙄

Keep your own counsel on this but I hear you!

When my grandma died aged nearly 90 I was very upset.
She had a big hand in my upbringing, she was a wonderful, kind person and still herself right to the end. She was frail but not obviously dying.
She died unexpectedly in her bed one night.
In theory I told myself that it was peaceful, it was what she would have wanted, she'd had a good life etc etc
In my heart I wasn't that rational. I still found myself thinking that it was unfair, she'd still been enjoying life, why couldn't she have had one more Christmas, seem more of her great grandkids who she loved
I'm crying writing this and it was 5 years ago.
Generally I'm a rational person but grief is not a rational thing.

Let your poor DH grieve however he wants. It's not something you can dictate.

What's an age where you are allowed to be upset then?

Apparently not if the person is in their 80s or 90s according to this thread
If they are 79 can you be upset? 75? 69?

It makes not logical sense to put a limit on it. Death is a sad thing. Inevitable but always sad.

@Milsplus3
I’m shocked there are people that have the mindset of ‘oh well he’s lived to 90 there’s no point grieving him’

Literally no one has said any such thing.

I imagine it’s the cancer diagnosis that has floored him. My mum is 81. She’s fantastic. Vegetarian, incredibly fit and healthy, doesn’t drive so walks most places, sharp as a drawer full of knives, no illnesses or medications whatsoever, not even a filling. Her older sister, 17 years her senior, is the same. Completely robust and independent.

If she were to be diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, it would floor me too. In my mind, she will go to sleep one day at around 103, as her mum did, and not wake up.

I’ve had cancer myself and recovered well. It’s not the way I would choose to die.

Everyone’s emotions are heightened atm. Please give him space to come to terms.

Yabu

Over the past few months of lockdown we've lost two relatives close to us; my FIL, from cancer, early 70s and also my nana, early 90s.

Although both were to be expected - FIL due to his diagnosis, nana due to her age - both were really upsetting, even more so under these strange circumstances and the restrictions in place because of Covid. Everyone's already feeling tense or anxious, or even just a bit fed up, and emotions are heightened, so he probably feels even worse then he might have done in the last.

Just be patient and give him space to grieve. There's no right or wrong way to do it.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I had dead grandparents on one side from before I was born, a dead gran on the other side and a nice step gran who died when I was 10 and a miserable grandad who died when I was 12. So I’ve always been aware that old people are guaranteed to die and sure it’s sad, but the shock and devastation strikes me as odd. Quite odd.

I also think that when people are very struck by the death of older people it tends to be because there’s someone who’s more of a coper who will deal with the day to day of kids, housework, bills etc while they fall to pieces. My dad died when I was 23 and my mum didn’t cope well so I had to. Then she died at age 91 and I was a divorced mum and no-one offered me any help what so ever so I had to cope. So there’s that too, that some of us can’t fall to bits.

My grandad is 101 but I know I'll be devastated when he passes

I’m a coper. I would still be floored if my mum were to be diagnosed tomorrow.