90 year old

[sangrias]

Unfortunately my DH's grandfather has been unwell and may have a cancerous tumour.
He is 90 and in fairly ok health otherwise, living independently.

My DH has taken it really badly. He is very upset and has been staying with family while dear grandfather is in hospital (coming out today after 3day stay). I've been at home with our kids, which is fine.

So here's my AIBU. Or maybe my 'am I a heartless bitch'. But I feel like DH being shocked and devastated at the news is a bit much... he's completely floored by it.

To me it seems making it to 90 is a massive achievement but we can't expect everyone to go on living in ok health for ever and ever.
Some day there's going to be something. My own grandmother is a few years younger, I love her to pieces but am aware she will one day die, sad as it will be. DH seems not to have braced himself at all. He's feeling extremely emotional. I am letting him get on with it while being available to offer practical support where I can.

An adult should be able to deal with the death of a much loved 90 year old without going to pieces.

Wow.

Just popped back on to say thank you to all who have said really kind things to me and of course to others whose parents died young, and those who have shared very sad, similar stories. Sorry OP, I did a mini thread hijack there.

I think what your DH is exhibiting is called anticipatory grief - does that ring any bells? Several people have asked and I am not sure you've answered, apologies if you have, but is this the first time he's experienced a close relative being seriously ill? Maybe its making him face his own mortality sort of thing?

@Nanny0gg

I’ll admit I’d find it hard understanding your DH’s shock and devastation given the circumstances you’ve described. Yes, death is hard and sad but it’s also an inevitability, especially when the person in question is 90!

Wonder if you'll feel the same when it's you...

Eh, yes, I imagine most people who are realistic about death being unavoidable are quite accepting that their time will come.

If I’m lucky enough to live a long and happy life like OP’s GFIL, the absolute last thing I’d want is my family being devastated at me dying.

@Surviving1

An adult should be able to deal with the death of a much loved 90 year old without going to pieces.

I say this as a genuine question, maybe some people just love others more, so it hurts more? Maybe for some they can be more detached from it because they just don't care as much?

We do all feel things differently.

I have yet to find out which camp I am in.

Nah I really don’t think it’s that.

You can’t tell me that someone who goes to pieces and takes time off work over a great aunt they say once per year acts that way because they just loved her more than the person who loses their dad they were super close to but who keeps it together.

I’ve very sadly known people who’ve lost children and had to keep going for older kids who relied on them, nobody else was gonna swoop in and take over for longer than a day or two. I don’t think that they functioned because they loved their child any less than someone who can’t cope loved their grandparent.

@labyrinthloafer - my genuine answer

When I am dead
Cry for me a little
Think of me sometimes
but not too much
Think of me now and again
As I was in life
At some moment it is pleasant to recall
But not for too long
Leave me in peace
And I shall leave you in peace
And while you live
Let your thoughts be with the living.

A quick google search attributes this traditional prayer to the Native American Ishi people of the Pacific North West. I think it's calm dignity and wisdom shows us how best to deal with death and dying, although I accept it does not address dying directly.

To be honest OP I agree with you and do not think YABU.
90 is a fantastic age to get to. A person of this age has lived their life, had their children, travelled etc. Of course it is still heartbreaking when a family member of this age gets unwell and dies, but I personally would not call it a tragedy.
My grandma was 87 when she passed. Due to circumstances (Alzheimer's, fragility, bouts of pneumonia) it was a blessing. I was heartbroken when she died, I couldn't stop crying but a huge weight was lifted knowing she was out of pain and at peace.
Unfortunately people do not live forever.
Just be supportive of your husband and let him grieve x

Letting him get in with it? How very gracious of you to allow this.

It is pretty gracious tbh to let him go off to be with relatives (for how long?) while OP holds the fort at home with the kids... would OP just opt out of the child care for a similar circumstance?

OP I read your first (and subsequent) post and was nodding along with you.

GF isn't dead. GF hasn't been diagnosed with cancer.

People are supposed to die. It's a perfectly normal part of life. You can't marvel at someone making it to their nineties on one breath and then be surprised that they're getting closer to death.

I wouldn't be as understanding as OP with my Dh if he suddenly upped and left his responsibilities in these circumstances. Life doesn't stop when loved ones need a follow up doctor appointment.

Maybe my experiences with close friends and family dying at young ages from various causes have made me "harder" or "tougher". I felt the loss of my GPs very keenly but my kids still needed to be fed; my mother still needed support with her abusive exh; my bills still needed paying; and it wouldn't have been fair to expect my DH to pick up everything whilst I fell apart.

As for the bullshit that is "maybe you don't love as much" - that can fuck right off. How fucking dare you?!

As for the bullshit that is "maybe you don't love as much" - that can fuck right off. How fucking dare you?!

Exactly, what a cuntish thing that was to say.

I get it op. I haven't been particularly grief stricken when my elderly grandparents died. My own mother died when I was early 30s, she early 60s. I struggle to sympathise with extremely grief stricken people when very old people die. I pretend, but inside I think "but they were really old and had a great life". I don't vocalise those thoughts and I'm pretty sure I only feel that was because my Mum died while relatively young. Her mother, my grandmother is in a home and has a miserable life. I will probably feel relieved (and guilty for feeling that way) when she dies. Grief is a very individual thing.

the absolute last thing I’d want is my family being devastated at me dying

Fortunately you don’t get any say in that. If they love you they will be devastated. Every person’s grief is different and we all deal with it in our own way. My parents were very old and both died within six months. I was devastated and so was my son. If my husband had taken the attitude some of you have we’d have been divorced by now.

Gracious my arse. If you can’t support your partner through the bad times, do them a favour and let them find someone who will.

labrynithloafer That’s right, that’s exactly it. I clearly don’t love my elderly relative as much as other people love theirs.

Nothing to do with the fact I go to deaths of young people all the time, who didn’t die peacefully in bed which gives me a sense of perspective and gratefulness.

@Nicknacky

labrynithloafer That’s right, that’s exactly it. I clearly don’t love my elderly relative as much as other people love theirs.

Nothing to do with the fact I go to deaths of young people all the time, who didn’t die peacefully in bed which gives me a sense of perspective and gratefulness.

I asked a genuine question, some people feel love (well everything) more keenly than others. I am not a major weeper and my mum was very robust about death as she worked in palliative care. I haven't yet found out how I react to grief.

But when you have a family you don’t get to react exactly how you want to. When you have a partner and kids, abdicating responsibility for a nonagenarian is....odd, to say the least. I’ve had friends who lost their children to cancer. Their toddler. They had to grieve on their own time. Not their kids’.

I think these are kind of separate issues.

I absolutely agree that people expect to live way too long these days - everyone has to go some time. Acting shocked when elderly relatives die is a bit weird.

But your husband is losing a loved one. Inevitable or not, he is sad, will be grieving soon, and that’s absolutely fine.

It’s okay to acknowledge that everyone dies in the end but still be sad when it comes to your own relatives. I’ve felt the same. It’s just one of those things.

His this triggered a realisation of his own place in the world? His own mortality and the sense that this is something beyond his control, something that will play out how it will but which he can not fix?

I have lost grandparents, a parent and a husband who died well before his time . I'm sorry but there is no comparison between losing someone who has had a long life to that of losing someone who died too soon . It's not only your loss that you are grieving for , you are grieving for what the deceased has lost, not seeing children grow up, grandchildren etc.
I have found with my elderly relatives that they were more ready to leave this world . They are more prepared because they are realistic that they can't go on forever . Generally when elderly people are told that they don't have long , there is a natural acceptance of it . It just seems to be part of what makes us human . I think it's hard to imagine what that's like . In no way do I think the OP is unreasonable. I think it's perfectly normal to think that it's natural to be more prepared for things to go wrong with the health of a 90 year old. As others have said maybe it's a first family loss or that it has made her DH more aware of his own mortality but it seems a bit of an OTT reaction . I wouldn't voice it to him but I would be thinking it