90 year old

[sangrias]

Unfortunately my DH's grandfather has been unwell and may have a cancerous tumour.
He is 90 and in fairly ok health otherwise, living independently.

My DH has taken it really badly. He is very upset and has been staying with family while dear grandfather is in hospital (coming out today after 3day stay). I've been at home with our kids, which is fine.

So here's my AIBU. Or maybe my 'am I a heartless bitch'. But I feel like DH being shocked and devastated at the news is a bit much... he's completely floored by it.

To me it seems making it to 90 is a massive achievement but we can't expect everyone to go on living in ok health for ever and ever.
Some day there's going to be something. My own grandmother is a few years younger, I love her to pieces but am aware she will one day die, sad as it will be. DH seems not to have braced himself at all. He's feeling extremely emotional. I am letting him get on with it while being available to offer practical support where I can.

@formerbabe

Same *@DishingOutDone*. My mum died in the 1990s, I had one day off school and then sent back like nothing happened.

I understand how you feel. My mum died when I was two. My father remarried within ten months and my mother was never spoken about, I had no photos of her. I wasn’t allowed to mention her. It was like she never existed. It’s such a loss to lose a parent when you’re tiny, especially a mother.

Let your poor DH grieve however he wants. It's not something you can dictate

I understand your point. I think. But... No one has died. His grandfather is still alive, soon to be home, no confirmed cancer (as yet).
So the grief, I guess is in advance? Of what may or may not happen in an unspecified time period.
I suppose his behaviour and upset at the moment is due to feeling very shocked...

The op is not a heartless bitch. There are many of us who think the same and I’m far from heartless. I just have perspective.

My mum died 3 years ago, I was upset and still am. Devastated? No. Because life is like that and if that’s the worst I will go through then I count myself lucky.

I'm another one who doesn't find you unreasonable, OP. Maybe because my parents died relatively young. And you're right, it's amazing and worthy of celebration to make it to 90.

I'd try to be as supportive as I could and not say this to your dh though; when it comes to mortality, everyone is coming at it from a different place, I suppose.

Thanks for that @NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

My dad was 99 when he died. Ridiculous as it probably sounds to you, OP, it was a real shock. It came completely out of the blue and I was absolutely knocked sideways. These things aren’t logical.

Is it the first person he’s known that’s died/ been terminally ill?

@sangrias
Just ignore. You sound very thoughtful.

I’ll admit I’d find it hard understanding your DH’s shock and devastation given the circumstances you’ve described. Yes, death is hard and sad but it’s also an inevitability, especially when the person in question is 90!

Wonder if you'll feel the same when it's you...

My 90 year old grandma died last year. I was devastated, a lot more so than I expected, and it really affected me. Grief isn’t predictable or linear or the same for everyone. Just be there for your poor DH!

@DishingOutDone

Just thought of another example - a friend had an in-law who died aged 99 - I said how wonderful it was she'd had an amazing life, great lady. Friend didn't want to talk about that at all, but rather about how terrible it was for her and her family, they were all devastated, its hit them hard and so on, and is still in that mindset 2 years later, lots of anniversaries to be marked and pilgrimages to the cemetery etc.

You know, perhaps my earlier posts make me seem like a cold person anyway but I find this really insensitive tbh.

When someone loses someone they love the correct response, no matter how significant you judge their grief to be, is to express your condolences.

It’s incredibly thoughtless and a bit socially cack-handed to essentially reply with ‘ah great, I’m so glad she was so old when she died!’

You meet people where they’re at. If someone is upset that somebody has died then you surely respond with that in mind rather than trying to force them to ‘see the bright side’ right away. I appreciate not everyone has the social skills or innate empathy to know that intuitively.

Replace my ‘I’m glad she was so old!’ with ‘I’m glad she had a great life!’. Same difference...

YABU.

@idontlikewednesdays

I also think that when people are very struck by the death of older people it tends to be because there’s someone who’s more of a coper who will deal with the day to day of kids, housework, bills etc while they fall to pieces. My dad died when I was 23 and my mum didn’t cope well so I had to. Then she died at age 91 and I was a divorced mum and no-one offered me any help what so ever so I had to cope. So there’s that too, that some of us can’t fall to bits.

This is very insightful and you’ve hit the nail on the head here as to something that’s been kinda going around my mind that I’ve noticed but never put my finger on.

The people I’ve known who absolutely fall to pieces when they lose even a more distant relative tend to be the ones who don’t need to be completely strong and self sufficient, they’re usually people who have safety nets or are pretty good at getting others to look after them. Think the friend who always manages to portray minor annoyances as devastating dramas and get everyone rallying around offering support and help. I think we all know that friend!

When you have nobody to take care of business so you can just head straight into grief and remain there experiencing it without anything else on your plate it’s a different matter I think and by necessity you do have to be ‘stronger’ and perhaps find a different perspective on things.

I was early twenties when my mum died as a result of addiction, yes I found it very hard, but my brother seemed to lose it totally and it was mostly down to me to organise the funeral and sort out her place and tie up her financial affairs as he was just too upset. I had no safety net of being looked after so couldn’t take time off work other than two days after her funeral. No financial help so just had to keep trucking on.

I’m not trying to say I grieved better than anyone else, nothing like that. But I did have to try and see it as just one of those things, life happens, we lose people we love, at least she wasn’t suffering anymore, at least I had such an amazing mum for the time that I did... can’t allow it to wreck my own life too.

Once you’ve had something of that magnitude happen and developed that kind of resilience it’s difficult to understand or empathise with how others fall to pieces for much less I guess. It also feels a little indulgent, and I guess it’s possible to become bitter too... I had to cope so why can’t they?

YANBU, but it is society's fault that a lot of people are not more comfortable with death overall. It's a bit late now though, as he has grown up without that pragmatic attitude, so can't suddenly develop it, especially when it is imminently relevant.

I have always been prepared for my dad dying early as he has multiple chronic health issues, but actually he's lasted longer than I thought he would. I don't get grief-stricken every time he goes into hospital, even though statistically it could well be the last time.

The grandfather hasn't died can some of you not read ?

No, he’s hasn’t died but he will.

Well yes we will all die one day.

@Sharkerr

Exactly. And very well explained.

Grief is complicated and very personal.....but some people like @sharkerr didn't have the luxury of pausing and understandably do become a lot less likely to become impacted.

Mortality is very complicated as is grief.

However, I think for many people age does come into it.

The sudden untimely death of a 25 year old child of a good friend will for me, definitely impact me more, that my other friends darling Gran of 91.

Without a doubt.

I understand you OP. I think maybe we are just more open to the reality of life. I dont get the drama when a very elderly person dies - and I have a 95 year living with me. But I guess some people grieve differently or feel some finality of their own . My attitude is that it is sad , but not tragic.

He’s staying with his family because of this news? For how long?

I have a gran that has terrible, advanced dementia. She is blind, mostly deaf, doesn’t know anyone and has no idea that her daughter passed away a few years ago. How her body continues is beyond me.

I won’t find her death sad. It will be an utter blessing for her and in my mind she died years ago from the person I knew and loved.

I dont think you're heartless either. It's not like you've said anything to your DH. Just keep it to yourself.
Of course its horribly sad when very old people die/are dying, and the grief is perhaps not lessened but it's less of a surprise surely.