90 year old

[sangrias]

Unfortunately my DH's grandfather has been unwell and may have a cancerous tumour.
He is 90 and in fairly ok health otherwise, living independently.

My DH has taken it really badly. He is very upset and has been staying with family while dear grandfather is in hospital (coming out today after 3day stay). I've been at home with our kids, which is fine.

So here's my AIBU. Or maybe my 'am I a heartless bitch'. But I feel like DH being shocked and devastated at the news is a bit much... he's completely floored by it.

To me it seems making it to 90 is a massive achievement but we can't expect everyone to go on living in ok health for ever and ever.
Some day there's going to be something. My own grandmother is a few years younger, I love her to pieces but am aware she will one day die, sad as it will be. DH seems not to have braced himself at all. He's feeling extremely emotional. I am letting him get on with it while being available to offer practical support where I can.

YANBU.

My Mum turns 80 in a few weeks. I love her and I will be devastated when she dies, but I realise she’s old and could die any time. It’s totally understandable that your DH is very upset, but for him to be shocked and stressed he’d by this turn of events is rather strange.

YABU it doesn’t matter what age his grandfather has reached, the pain is no different as he is still family and potential loss is hard regardless. I’m shocked by your attitude tbh. Your husband has every right to feel the way he does, and you should be supporting him. How would you feel if your future grandchildren couldn’t care less if you got sick/ passed away? Or were expected not to mourn you because their partner thought it was ott?

I am inwardly unreasonable like this too. My grandpa died, he was elderly (92) - yes it was sad but yes he was old and it was his time. My grandma is sitting in a home, she's 90, there's nothing wrong with her but I wish she would die, she's not enjoying life, it's miserable. Same with my next door neighbour she's 89 and has no family. I do however understand everyone is different and would not blame him for being upset because that's up to him but I would be stood on the sidelines thinking exactly the same as you, but I wouldn't make it known because then you'll be a bad person!

@DishingOutDone Glad I'm not the only one! I do sometimes feel heartless. I would never say anything but inside I'm like FFS. Same with extreme reactions to the death of pets.

Sorry for you losses I'm never felt quite the same since i lost my second parent, it changes you forever

I’m like this too. I deal with horrible, tragic deaths at work and I struggle with someone being “devastated” by a 90 year old passing away.

A death is always sad obviously but it’s not a shock. It’s the natural circle of life.

I also lost my mum to brain cancer when she was 62 which probably doesn’t help my thinking.

Logically your right but grief hits us all in different ways. And we're living in such strange times at the moment so emotions are all over the place.

Again, doesn't really change anything but nothing has actually been confirmed yet in terms of it being cancer. Just that it's possible / suspected. And nothing yet said about what it will mean for him, with regard to treatment or what will happen next.

Funnily enough no one ever wants to acknowledge that but when a friend has a 90+ relative die its as if the world has ended.

No one acknowledged your parents deaths?

God I'm gonna get flamed, but if he's not particularly close to his grandfather could there be an essence of guilt to his grief?

Has he been bereaved previously? Is it his first time dealing with a family death?

I feel similar OP. There are some people who don't like to think about this sort of thing happening and hide from the reality of life. I'm not one of them. No matter how much I love someone I know that elderly relatives have a limited lifespan, my hopes focus on them having a peaceful death not living as long as possible because I don't want to be without them.

I’m with you OP.

I was sad when my (very very close) grandad died, but I knew he was unwell and wasn’t happy. He’d had a long life with a close and loving family, and that was something to be grateful for.

I’ll admit I’d find it hard understanding your DH’s shock and devastation given the circumstances you’ve described. Yes, death is hard and sad but it’s also an inevitability, especially when the person in question is 90!

well i couldn't be married to someone like the OP and similar others on here, and if i discovered that i was, i would have to seriously reconsider my position.
guess we are different tribes.
and people never feel comfortable in the wrong tribe.
i'd rather be alone. and be myself.

I do get where you are coming from. I was sad when my grandparents died, but it wasn't just them not being here anymore, it was also the sort of 'end of an era' feeling, as they had been a huge part of my childhood.

But I wasn't 'devastated' when any of them died, they all went at a good age and had had good lives, and no one lives forever. I had cancer in my thirties and if I make it to the age of 90 I shall be fucking ecstatic!

However, we are all different and he can't help the way he feels at the moment, unless he is prone to being a drama llama generally?

So on balance, yes, I guess YABU.

YABU! He's allowed to grieve fgs!

@DishingOutDone. Like you I lost my mum was I was a child and my dad when I was in my twenties. I might seem heartless but I do roll my eyes inwardly at people who lose a grandparent in adulthood and describe it as a tragedy. I'm not a monster, I totally accept its sad and a person will grieve for them but it's also a perfectly normal part of life.

My dh has not experienced much grief...lots of our friends are of an age where their parents may die..every time it does, my dh seems in total disbelief and shock and will endlessly talk about how horrendous it is. I find this overly dramatic

I don’t think YABU. YWBU to actually express your thoughts to him. But to think them? Fair enough really.

I’ve been bereaved, lost my mother when I was early twenties in really horrible circumstances. It took me a few years to move on from, a decade later of course I miss her deeply and I love her to pieces and always will, it still hurts at times and sometimes I go through mini grief patches still. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done, is to try and cope with losing her.

But at the same time the experience has left me a tiny bit jaded I guess about when people completely go to pieces over more distant relatives dying, especially if like you say it someone who has reached such an age that it’s not exactly expected they’ll live much longer. I’d never say it to someone, their grief is theirs to experience in whatever way they need to. But I do find it a little OTT to see someone losing it and being completely shattered over a grandparent dying at an old age, or an aunt or uncle etc... I think that’s more a reflection though on the fact that I’m not and have never been close to any extended family really so when I lost all grandparents it was sad but not something I cried over or felt bereft about.

I guess people handle things very differently, and it can be confusing to see someone grieve in a way that feels excessive to you, just like it can be strange to see someone lose somebody you’d think would floor them and cope alright.

@formerbabe you’ve put it much more eloquently than I did. As someone who lost my mum earlier than most do (though not as a child, I cannot even imagine that pain) it does feel a little dramatic, dare I say attention-seeking when grown adults go to pieces over the loss of a grandparent.

The DGF hasn't died. He possibly has a serious illness but that hasn't been confirmed. Talking of the DH's grief is a bit premature. He's upset.

Prepare yourself for more of this OP as I guess it's a family thing.
Give him a bit of slack and then remind him life still goes on and you need him at home.
YANBU

Ah it’s reassuring to read I’m not the only one who feels this way.

On one hand I feel like you can’t compare grief... I’ve seen some really outsized (to the outsider) responses to the loss of a budgie for example that make perfect sense when you understand the circumstances.

But on the other, yeah... it does seem overly dramatic and a bit strange to be absolutely devastated about a grandparent dying or someone else in your extended family. Especially moreso when the person keeps going on about it every year after for ages, constant statuses and photo sharing and disbelief that this elderly person has died. Just seems a bit immature I guess.

Is there some cut off age of those who can be grieved for OP?!

@Milsplus3

It is actually quite different an experience losing someone who has reached their seventies or above, who has had a long life, compared to losing someone prematurely. The grief is different. Full of a bit more ‘it’s just not fair, it’s too soon, why did they have to miss out on so much, I thought I had more time’, and a bit less comfort by the fact it’s the natural order of things.

OP I wonder if he has something else going on you’re not aware of to have gone to bits over this.

Well judging is easy.
I lost my Dad before his time, before my grandparents in fact. But I can see that actually if your first potential loss as an adult is a grandparent it makes you fave that your parents are going to die and then you. Some people just don't cope with change well.

I'm with you Op although I wouldn't necessarily be vocal with your DH about it but rather listen and support him.

@sharkerr sorry for the loss of your mum

I suppose I'm quite pragmatic about the death of very elderly relatives...the only alternative is that the younger generations of their family die before them which is truly a much worse prospect.

He loves him.