90 year old

[sangrias]

Unfortunately my DH's grandfather has been unwell and may have a cancerous tumour.
He is 90 and in fairly ok health otherwise, living independently.

My DH has taken it really badly. He is very upset and has been staying with family while dear grandfather is in hospital (coming out today after 3day stay). I've been at home with our kids, which is fine.

So here's my AIBU. Or maybe my 'am I a heartless bitch'. But I feel like DH being shocked and devastated at the news is a bit much... he's completely floored by it.

To me it seems making it to 90 is a massive achievement but we can't expect everyone to go on living in ok health for ever and ever.
Some day there's going to be something. My own grandmother is a few years younger, I love her to pieces but am aware she will one day die, sad as it will be. DH seems not to have braced himself at all. He's feeling extremely emotional. I am letting him get on with it while being available to offer practical support where I can.

@hollieberrie

I understand. I had lost both my parents by age 34. Rightly or wrongly, I am always a bit when people are shocked by the deaths of grandparents. Bereavement has made me a somewhat less caring / empathetic person to be honest. Awful to say but its true.

I feel the same @hollieberrie - my GFIL died (peacefully) a couple of years after my dad died (short illness, very unexpected). I found it very hard to sympathise with my husband’s devastation over the death of a grandparent who was over 90 (my grandparents had all died by the time I was 25). I felt his grief was excessive, as terrible as that sounds. It’s reassuring to know others feel the same way.

I think part of it was that he’d never had to deal with a close family member dying before, and so he wasn’t prepared for it (despite his grandad being so elderly). Maybe that’s what’s happening with your DH, OP.

I think you've been flamed a bit on here . Dh 90 year old grandfather has not died he just may have cancer so dh has took it badly but left you and the kids to stay with relatives.
First of all I think some take bad news badly and they just can't cope like some .
2nd of all you say it's fine that he's gone to stay with relatives when really it's not is it that's what your miffed about.
Sorry about dh grandfather but and yes he needs to support his family but move out of his family home is possibly too far ,

I understand where you are coming from but I'm fairly pragmatic about death anyway. We all have to die of something.

I'd probably feel the same way as you OP. Like Waxonwaxoff I'm quite pragmatic about this sort of thing. But your husband feels differently and his feelings are valid.

@Smallsteps88 - at the time no, not much, when my mum died it was an inconvenience to most, oh dear how sad never mind. I think it was of its time (1970s)

I was also part of a women's group until recently we had a shared interest hobby type thing, and in it 3 women lost their mothers who were in their 70s/80s and then basically the group became all about them and how brave they were. There were no special circumstances, entirely coincidence they died with a couple of years of each other. The mums who died were very much loved of course but had underlying illnesses. But their deaths were worn by those daughters as a badge of honour like some sort of special club - none of us could possibly understand and when we went to group social events people would be queuing up to express condolences. I think I mentioned my mum once or twice and the subject was very quickly changed. Which is great as I don't want to wallow in her untimely death. But makes me feel a bit

So that's what I meant by saying my parents' deaths aren't or weren't acknowledged.

I've been thinking about this and my father was an old man when he died and I was well into adulthood and a parent myself. I loved him, my heart broke a bit when he died.

But actually, was I as upset as I would have been if he had died when I was a child or a teenager, or a young adult? Honestly, no, I wasn't. He had a long life and had good health for almost all of it (except the end, obviously). He had a long and happy marriage, he had money, he had travelled, he had children and grandchildren who he loved. And he was suffering a lot and it was time to let go.

I don't think the pain I felt was on the same level as the pain my best friend felt at losing her father when he was only in his 50s.

Just thought of another example - a friend had an in-law who died aged 99 - I said how wonderful it was she'd had an amazing life, great lady. Friend didn't want to talk about that at all, but rather about how terrible it was for her and her family, they were all devastated, its hit them hard and so on, and is still in that mindset 2 years later, lots of anniversaries to be marked and pilgrimages to the cemetery etc.

I get you.
My DF died aged 54 and my DM aged 69 in an accident, yet PIL rattle on and on in their 80's. DH and SIL talk as though they'll be around for ever, DH even arguing with me the other week that his mum wasn't "an old woman."
I see this all the time in nursing. People shocked and surprised when older relatives fall ill or pass away. I feel sympathetic to their normal feelings of grief but find it hard to deal with after my own experiences.

Same @DishingOutDone. My mum died in the 1990s, I had one day off school and then sent back like nothing happened.

That awful. I’m so sorry @DishingOutDone.

Oh thank you @Smallsteps88 - I wasn't expecting sympathy so I am touched and for @formerbabe too

I wasn't expecting sympathy

Well I think you’re due some. If that’s not too patronising to say.

I totally understand OP. While on one hand you can’t compare grief the idea of being totally devastated by the possibility of losing a DGF in their 90s feels quite extreme. I guess I’d be worrying about what a total clusterfuck mess he’d be if he lost a parent or sibling or you!
I’m afraid I might be a total cold hearted bitch but when people weep and wail about struggles like the loss of a not especially close and very elderly grandparent I do wonder how they have got through life.

@Smallsteps88. gosh. Even my H doesn't acknowledge it.

When I met an old school friend who knew the circumstances she said to me just in conversation "of course you had to bring yourself up ..." and it really hit me then, other people could see what had happened after all

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.... people have to die sometime. It’s fine to be upset but anyone after the age of 80 has been on borrowed time surely?

@hollieberrie

I understand. I had lost both my parents by age 34. Rightly or wrongly, I am always a bit when people are shocked by the deaths of grandparents. Bereavement has made me a somewhat less caring / empathetic person to be honest. Awful to say but its true.

I don't think it makes you less caring or less empathetic.

I do think it gives you a healthy sense of perspective.

(I also lost my parents early)

DishingOutDone your post made me think of something. A close childhood friend lost her mum when we were 7. On the day of the funeral, all the rest of our school year were spoken to by the principal and told what had happened (I already knew as my parents had told me) and then we were told that under no circumstances were any of us to mention her mother to her and that we would be in huge trouble if we did. That was in the 1980s and I look back now and think how awful that was. The rest of her schooldays we never mentioned her mum and nor did she. We went the whole way through secondary school together and she never told anyone that her mum was dead.

I talked to her about it as an adult and she just shrugged and said 'no one knew how to deal with it, it's no one's fault' which I thought was very generous. But tragic all the same.

Ynbu

Everybody dies

It's shocking when that person is young and healthy and it's not expected.

It's sad when they have been ill

Devastating when they have people who rely on them

But to be 'floored' by a 90yr old with a terminal diagnosis is a bit much

I'm with you op

People don't live forever and I haven't met anyone in their 90s who wasn't ready to 'not be here'. Many still scared of actually dying but not scared of being dead.

Of course it is normal to be sad when someone dies, however old, and to grieve for them, but expecting people to go on living forever is totally unrealistic.

I suppose the old person who dies hasn't always been an old person. That was my experience with my Dad anyway.

I feel the same & completely see where you are coming from! I don't think your heartless at all I'm sure you have your reasons.
I think for me it's the fact I've lost people young and unexpectedly so when an older person passes even though I'm not taking away the fact it is very sad but when they've lived a long happy life it's expected? It's the way it goes... course you're entitled to feel sad but it should be a celebratory that they have made it for so long as some people aren't that lucky to make it into there 90s.

[quote DishingOutDone]@Smallsteps88. gosh. Even my H doesn't acknowledge it.

When I met an old school friend who knew the circumstances she said to me just in conversation "of course you had to bring yourself up ..." and it really hit me then, other people could see what had happened after all [/quote]

It’s huge. You didn’t get what you should have had in so many ways.

I understand where you are coming from.

My grandmother helped to raise me and I loved her very much. I was at university when she developed dementia, but over the years helped my grandfather look after her (respite care for him, cooking, shopping, etc.). When she passed away in 2017, I was sad and mourned her, but she was in her mid 80s and was really starting to have a poor quality of life (as was my grandfather, who insisted on still caring for her at home himself).

However, last year my friend passed away suddenly at 27, and grief I experienced for him, even compared to my grandmother, was terrifying and uncontrollable. Did I love him more than my grandmother? Of course not. But I had been preparing myself for the possibility of her death for years, due to her age and progressive illness, which in hindsight softened the blow. His death though was a total shock and tragedy.

Condolences to everyone who has gone through painful losses

OP - I am a bit like you. I tend to be pretty realistic and aware of death, maybe because I grew up in a medical family. I think accepting that everyone dies is an important part of living well, too, living as if we can evade death leads to bad decisions.

But many people are not like that, and are shocked and appalled when confronted with the inevitability of death. Our society tends to try and support the illusion that death is something we can avoid, or at least avoid thinking about. Sounds like your dh is like that.

I'm not sure there is much to do about it, other than what you are.

Somehow when your relative has made 90 you feel like they can go on forever and then when you get a pointer that they won't....