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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to keep the baby, but should I? Is it selfish?

153 replies

NoraBattysApron · 17/07/2020 07:38

Long term partner, we are both 35. We do not live together, I have a 9 year old son who is going in to Year 5 in September.

My IUD failed and I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant, turns out my IUDs arms had folded and it was in my cervix, how the fuck didn’t I know?

I am around 10 weeks pregnant, not entirely sure as periods weren’t regular but that’s my guess. Haven’t had a scan yet so could be way off.

I earn 37k and have a loan for 4000 which I am paying off at £200 per month. I have no other debt. I would need to clear that before baby is born to have a fighting chance of staying financially afloat. I get child maintenance from DS’s dad, but it’s not much as he doesn’t earn much. I earn substantially more than my partner so child maintenance from him wouldn’t be huge either. I pay £300 per month for DS to go to wrap around care and Im not sure what the cost of full time childcare would be but it seems to have skyrocketed since DS was a baby. Maybe £55 per day? I’d be eligible for UC as a single parent to pay for childcare but I’d have to check how much that would cover and I’d have to save up for the first month.

I live on the outskirts of a city, I walk the dog in the morning, we walk to school and he goes to breakfast club then I cycle into work (wfh atm but the above is usual). I can’t park in the city centre. I also go home at lunch to walk the dog.

The nearest nursery is a drive away so the morning run would be complicated.

My partner does not want children, he is currently in meltdown, he’s anxious and panicked because he had a rubbish father figure. I’m letting him have the time he needs. I don’t anticipate we will move in together or quite frankly that we will stay together as I’m not sure that would be a healthy environment for a baby but I could be wrong and he could step up.

Am I being unreasonable given the above to want to keep this baby. Am I being selfish. I’m worried that it’s too much and that the quality of life I would provide wouldn’t be great. I want baby, I always wanted two but I wanted two in a stable household and had hoped one day we would live together but it’s worked us living apart to be honest. I can’t predict the future, I have no idea if partner is going to take the time he needs and figure out what he needs to do to step up. He may never and I don’t believe I should assume he will. Is this the sort of life I should bring a small person into?

I would love and cherish them, but I’m going to have no energy, how am I going to manage school run and childcare pick up, I travel for conferences etc but I wouldn’t be able to do that which is fine I can do my job without. My work would be very understanding and my job could 100% adapt, I mean I’m still doing everything now just from home.

I’ve personally never wanted terminations, but I don’t believe I should bring a child into a world where they wouldn’t be provided for in the best way possible. My family are staunch Christians so I’d never be able to tell them if I did.

I have no baby stuff, I have a cot from DS as I didn’t want to get rid of it but I gave all my baby stuff away to help out women who needed it.

Has anyone done this, had an older child and then a baby on their own? I know it would be hard, but is it impossible?

I’m aware I might get shouted at, it won’t phase me so feel free to throw your worst at me. But I’d like to hope I could get some advice and experiences. Practical steps, opinions etc.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 17/07/2020 07:41

I think you have pretty much covered everything in your post lol
No advice but good luck

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 17/07/2020 07:41

It sounds like you've thought about the main practicalities. You can get all the baby stuff you need free or very cheap secondhand, it doesn't need to cost a lot. There's a similar age gap between my children and it's fine, they all dote on each other although I'm not a single parent. Give your dp a chance to wrap his head around it. If you want this baby you'll find a way to make it work. Good luck.

PippinMeriadoc · 17/07/2020 07:41

I have a friend that was pretty much in the same situation as you. Her youngest just turned one. The older child adores her new sibling. She’s completely single now but it’s all working out. If you want to keep the baby it seems like you have the wherewithal to make it work. Congratulations.

RadeTheSweets · 17/07/2020 07:45

Just to let you know OP, there is a similar age gap between me and my sister. I resented her and my mum until adulthood. Simply because as a single parent, my mum already struggled financially. So things weren't any better with a baby. And then our whole routine changed too. Which was awful since it was nice and calm before that and enjoyable.

That's not to say you should definitely terminate but that's my take on things as someone who was once in your child's situation

AmberAndAlexsMum · 17/07/2020 07:46

You can do this. Take some time to calm yourself and think positively about the future. You are not unreasonable to want to keep the baby but don't let your partner off the hook either. If he doesn't want to be a dad he still gets to pay maintenance.

You will do great, you're already a brilliant mum.

Get all your finances together and have a careful look at them. Check out everything you're entitled to. There used to be a grant for baby things. If not, second hand is perfectly fine

Deep breath and relax. You can do this and you can get loads of support off these forums.

Congratulations Flowers

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 17/07/2020 07:48

Practicality aside, do you want to have a baby?
How would having a termination make you feel?

GardenOfRaman · 17/07/2020 07:49

You'll find a way to make it work. But I think your life will be much more stressful than it is just now. Do you have supportive family nearby

BeBraveAndBeKind · 17/07/2020 07:50

It sounds like you've thought of everything.

For what it's worth, my DH had a terrible, abusive father and was terrified that he wouldn't know how to be a good dad. He was scared and anxious all through my first pregnancy and had awful nightmares about letting something bad happen to the baby. He was so wrong and he's a fantastic dad to our two boys.

londonrach · 17/07/2020 07:52

Op...relax. One question...do you want this baby?

whichteaareyou · 17/07/2020 07:53

There's an 18 year age gap between me and my sister. My mum raised us alone and I'm so grateful. I've had a termination myself and even though it was the right thing to do for me and I don't regret it I still think about it a lot and it was 6 years ago, so if you're on the fence then I 100% wouldn't have a termination. It sounds like you really want this baby so go for it.

AegonT · 17/07/2020 07:53

If your son is 9 now in a couple if years he'll be at secondary school and if he's responsible then would be able to walk or get a bus to school and you wouldn't have wrap-around care to pay for. Where I am nursery would be £55 per day but used an (amazing) childminder who was £45 a day with all food included. Your partner would have to pay some maintenance. I think you sound like a great mum who could give this child a great start. I have brother 9 years younger than me and we are now great friends.

ChooksAndBooks · 17/07/2020 07:55

Keep the baby. I had my first unplanned at 19 with no real income or support. It was tough but we made it work and I've never regretted it. He's amazing!

Ok the situation isn't "perfect" but you've already done it once before so you know the ropes. You're older, wiser and it sounds like you're pretty well resourced too.

My 11 yo is also head over heels in love with his 1 yo brother and says all the time that he really makes the family.

Original poster
NoraBattysApron · 17/07/2020 07:55

My gut absolutely turns at the idea of having a termination, but the feeling of panic knowing I’d being doing this on my own is just as bad. Before Covid partner had been looking at having a vasectomy but that was put on hold for obvious reasons. He came to stay with us when lockdown kicked in otherwise we wouldn’t see each other and as soon as I found out he absolutely cried, I mean full on meltdown. He left because he didn’t want to get angry with me (takes two to tango buddy) and he has be holed up ever since. He’s even been prescribed antidepressants because of this. He had a really awful father figure and the prospect of being a dad fills him with dread. He’s apologetic for not being here but I do understand that he’s taking care of himself right now. If he was here having meltdowns, it wouldn’t be good for DS to see. So I’d have probably asked him to scarper anyway.

I have no family in the vicinity, mum lives three hours away and dad lives in the Middle East. I couldn’t move near my mum because that would take DS further from his father and the career prospects where she lives are awful. I also don’t have any friends here as I moved to increase my salary from 21k to 37k.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoraBattysApron · 17/07/2020 07:56

@londonrach

Op...relax. One question...do you want this baby?
Gut says yes, gut says if I have a termination I would be very unhappy
OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 17/07/2020 07:58

I don't think I could have a baby knowing that the father didn't want children. It's all
very well if you want to continue but as a child whose father abandoned her I wouldn't want to put a child through that if I could avoid it. It really damaged me emotionally.

Serenschintte · 17/07/2020 07:59

I echo the comments of all the positive posters on this thread.
A termination seems really not to be what you want. I do know of an organisation that helps women with supplies etc when they don’t have much support. If you PM me then I can pass that information on
Hopefully your partner will come round but it isn’t your 'fault' that you are pregnant.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

WoodliceCollection · 17/07/2020 08:03

Yep, with 8 year age gap and similar IUD situation. It's been OK, stressful at times obviously. Not helped by dd2's dad being a bit of an arseholes at times. Dd2 now also provisionally diagnosed with ASD which complicates things but generally I'd say it's been fine. You're on a higher income than I was and have clearly thought it through. It's your decision, as mainly impacts your body and your life. Good luck!

Emeraldshamrock · 17/07/2020 08:03

Why not? You've it all worked out Congratulations Flowers

1moreRep · 17/07/2020 08:06

with you without your partner you will be ok, if you want this baby then you need to follow your heart.

your partner sounds like he is having a breakdown, he needs to get help which he sounds like he is doing. this is about him and his childhood not you, id try to remember that.

plus he may well heal from this and end up being in the babies life. i had a similar experience as i was told i wouldn't be able to have children as a child, on the pill and working in my dream job when i found out i was pregnant, with my dd1. i was so worried i would pass my childhood on to her but she's is an amazing 11 year old and i'm actually a good mum.

it sounds like he is reliving his childhood abuse so has done the right thing getting space.

do you own your home? will you be able to keep paying mortgage etc?

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/07/2020 08:07

It's not selfish to want your baby. People manage on far less money than you ha e coming in. I'd look for a childminder, your much more likely to find one near your home. Before you know it you eldest will be old enough to do the school run on his own and too old for childcare.

Abraid2 · 17/07/2020 08:09

Your older child won’t need as much ferrying around if you have public transport.

Baby stuff is almost given away on eBay and Facebook.

I would keep the baby. Plan for your partner not to be involved but keep the door open for him. And obviously work out his financial contribution and make sure he knows he will be committed by his wallet.

Yes it will be hard for the first year or so but it will get easier.

ravensoaponarope · 17/07/2020 08:12

Loads of women do this and it works out fine.
I'm sorry you don't have the support you deserve.
I would say listen to your gut, you want to keep the baby. You've thought out all the practicalities. You sound like you're already a great mum.
Good luck and Congratulations! Flowers

Nacreous · 17/07/2020 08:18

Having a termination of a baby you want seems like a bad idea to me. It will be hard, your post makes that clear, but if you want the baby you will live with those regrets if you have a termination. I think it is especially difficult given you don't have any friends nearby - but do you have any not nearby friends you could talk it through with?

Haretodaygonetomorrow · 17/07/2020 08:19

Bear in mind that if he does ‘step up’ and decide to become involved you won’t be eligible for single parent benefits.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 17/07/2020 08:19

Don't expect anything from your partner and you won't be disappointed. I raised two children by myself -- no CS, no visitation, just me 24/7 and whatever money I earned. My parents were good grandparents, but they were not childminders or a source of regular money gifts.

We made it just fine. I didn't have "girls night out" or go to "hen parties" or even get a weekend "lie-in" for years. We went to the shops together, we vacationed together, and if one of them got sick I took off work and cared for them. That's what a mother does. If you can do that without resenting the baby, then go for it.