I want to keep the baby, but should I? Is it selfish?

[NoraBattysApron]

Long term partner, we are both 35. We do not live together, I have a 9 year old son who is going in to Year 5 in September.

My IUD failed and I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant, turns out my IUDs arms had folded and it was in my cervix, how the fuck didn’t I know?

I am around 10 weeks pregnant, not entirely sure as periods weren’t regular but that’s my guess. Haven’t had a scan yet so could be way off.

I earn 37k and have a loan for 4000 which I am paying off at £200 per month. I have no other debt. I would need to clear that before baby is born to have a fighting chance of staying financially afloat. I get child maintenance from DS’s dad, but it’s not much as he doesn’t earn much. I earn substantially more than my partner so child maintenance from him wouldn’t be huge either. I pay £300 per month for DS to go to wrap around care and Im not sure what the cost of full time childcare would be but it seems to have skyrocketed since DS was a baby. Maybe £55 per day? I’d be eligible for UC as a single parent to pay for childcare but I’d have to check how much that would cover and I’d have to save up for the first month.

I live on the outskirts of a city, I walk the dog in the morning, we walk to school and he goes to breakfast club then I cycle into work (wfh atm but the above is usual). I can’t park in the city centre. I also go home at lunch to walk the dog.

The nearest nursery is a drive away so the morning run would be complicated.

My partner does not want children, he is currently in meltdown, he’s anxious and panicked because he had a rubbish father figure. I’m letting him have the time he needs. I don’t anticipate we will move in together or quite frankly that we will stay together as I’m not sure that would be a healthy environment for a baby but I could be wrong and he could step up.

Am I being unreasonable given the above to want to keep this baby. Am I being selfish. I’m worried that it’s too much and that the quality of life I would provide wouldn’t be great. I want baby, I always wanted two but I wanted two in a stable household and had hoped one day we would live together but it’s worked us living apart to be honest. I can’t predict the future, I have no idea if partner is going to take the time he needs and figure out what he needs to do to step up. He may never and I don’t believe I should assume he will. Is this the sort of life I should bring a small person into?

I would love and cherish them, but I’m going to have no energy, how am I going to manage school run and childcare pick up, I travel for conferences etc but I wouldn’t be able to do that which is fine I can do my job without. My work would be very understanding and my job could 100% adapt, I mean I’m still doing everything now just from home.

I’ve personally never wanted terminations, but I don’t believe I should bring a child into a world where they wouldn’t be provided for in the best way possible. My family are staunch Christians so I’d never be able to tell them if I did.

I have no baby stuff, I have a cot from DS as I didn’t want to get rid of it but I gave all my baby stuff away to help out women who needed it.

Has anyone done this, had an older child and then a baby on their own? I know it would be hard, but is it impossible?

I’m aware I might get shouted at, it won’t phase me so feel free to throw your worst at me. But I’d like to hope I could get some advice and experiences. Practical steps, opinions etc.

What do I even need for a baby. Argghh

At ten weeks, nothing. Plenty of time for that.

You do not want a termination, so do not have one. You will find a way through this, with or without him. His issues are just that. 'Not a very forceful person' is not your problem. I'd actually keep my distance from him for the time being after letting him know that there will be no abortion. Give him space and time, recognising and accepting that he might not come around and you'll need to go it alone.

Continuing or ending the pregnancy are both completely valid choices. You sound as if you have your head screwed on and would cope fine either way.

Unfortunately your partner really isn't in a good place to embrace fatherhood, is he It seems clear to me that he's never properly addressed his issues from his abusive/toxic childhood. I'd find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone like that, let alone co-parent with them. Ideally he needs to get therapy. If he's open to reading, he could start with Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Anyway, the fact is that you'll have to make the decision based on the assumption that you're doing it alone, and you know that.

You don't have to do this, but if you want to, you can.

Those who had rubbish childhoods sometimes make the best parents.

My DF had a horrific childhood but gave me
the best a girl could wish for.

Some parents learn from their mistakes- your DH could too.

You don’t have to be Christian to be against terminations.

It’s a conscience issue.

If you want to have the baby, no-one has the right to tell you that it’s just a foetus and is therefore disposable.

I would say you are mad to continue with the pregnancy.
But you have thought it through.
You know what you need to do.
How to cut costs.
You want the baby.
You are being sensible and realistic.
Your body - your decision!
Good luck OP.

I would not have a termination as it's clear you want this baby. I wish you well with it all

@AnotherEmma

Continuing or ending the pregnancy are both completely valid choices. You sound as if you have your head screwed on and would cope fine either way.

Unfortunately your partner really isn't in a good place to embrace fatherhood, is he It seems clear to me that he's never properly addressed his issues from his abusive/toxic childhood. I'd find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone like that, let alone co-parent with them. Ideally he needs to get therapy. If he's open to reading, he could start with Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Anyway, the fact is that you'll have to make the decision based on the assumption that you're doing it alone, and you know that.

You don't have to do this, but if you want to, you can.

Thanks for the book recommendation, there was another earlier on so I’m going to get both and I’ll leave them for him to see, if I see him again.

@Sharkerr

He doesn’t have the right to throw a fit when he’s done sweet FA to prevent this situation.

OP has the coil, as a couple they BOTH thought they were covered. Failures happen, it’s neither person’s fault in this case.

OP also said he approached his doctor about a vasectomy and was rebuffed.

This isn’t a case of a couple throwing caution to the wind and deciding to do it just once without protection and it failing.

You may expect everyone in the world to take responsibility for their own contraception no matter how loving or trusting the relationship (for example a husband of fifteen years using condoms even though wife is on the pill) but in the real world usually as a couple you decide on a method that suits you both and get on with it.

Don’t really understand the demonising of this guy here for this.

If he was that adamant that he didn't want kids, then he should have been using condoms.

Instead, like every other bloke I've come across, he's relied on OP using contraception. And he's ignored the fact that every form of contraception, excluding abstaining from sex, has a failure rate. He's ignored that there's always a possibility of pregnancy.

And now, when OP is pregnant, he's having a meltdown. Given that I am a cynical bitch these days, I wouldn't be surprised if some of this "meltdown" is a tactic designed to push OP into terminating.

OP you seem to have plenty going for you, I'm sure you'll be fine. I've also sent you a PM.

Just wanted to add, try freecycle for baby things, our local groups always have loads of bits literally being given away. Good luck!

Given that I am a cynical bitch these days, I wouldn't be surprised if some of this "meltdown" is a tactic designed to push OP into terminating

I guess I'm a cynical bitch too as this crossed my mind also.

OP you clearly have a good head on your shoulders and know you can do this - and do it well! Good luck to you!

He is financially responsible for this child no matter 'if' you see him again or not. I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate, though.

@DisobedientHamster

He is financially responsible for this child no matter 'if' you see him again or not. I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate, though.

He can't be on the BC unless he attends the registration appointment with OP, as they aren't married.

If you keep most of your maternity leave until after baby is born then you will have a good deal of time to sort suitable childcare. Your older child may well be able to use public transport then or possibly he could travel with a friends parent. Do you think your work would be flexible in allowing you to work some days from home and find a good childminder nearby?? If you do become a single parent you could also look into reduced working hours for a year or so topped up with tax credits etc.
As others have said second hand baby stuff can be picked up and the main supermarkets do great baby stuff. There is also parent support groups around which will be great for you and baby. I don't think the age gap with the baby and sibling would be an issue.
Sounds like your practical, level headed and can make this work. Congratulations a baby can bring so much joy xx

I am slightly worried about taking lots of maternity, my rent wouldn’t be fully covered by a UC top up because my rent is higher than the lha so I need to crunch some numbers because obviously I’d rather not rely on benefits however at the same time, I guess I do put into the tax system and that’s what it is there for.

Don't know if you've looked up the LHA lately but it has been increased due to covid - although it will no doubt be reduced again at some point.

You should get a decent amount of UC, a decent chunk of your maternity pay will be disregarded (assuming you'll get maternity pay!)

And he will have to pay child maintenance which might not be a huge amount but every little helps.

Look at the benefit and child maintenance calculators.

He can't be on the BC unless he attends the registration appointment with OP, as they aren't married.

Yes, I know that, but often times some women are pressured to do so by the ex-partner, although it might not be the case for this father.

Also, you're entitled to the 2 bedroom rate atm, but if baby turns out to be a girl, you'll be entitled to the 3 bedroom rate after DS turns 9 (opposite sex siblings aren't expected to share from 10+). This will apply even if you only actually have 2 bedrooms.
(If baby is a boy this will all be a moot point as they'll be expected to share for longer and you'll just get the 2 bed LHA rate.)

after DS turns 10, not 9 (sorry)

Congratulations on your baby op.

If you have a d sex you'll need a plan but school run whilst on Mat leave is fine, and you'll have the money from wrap around to save or spend. He 6 could you drop him part way of is it safe for him to walk alone?
Childcare near work.
Could you compress new to do 4 long days?

I have a 10 year age gap between my two and they absolutely love each other. I think you have everything covered by the sound of it. Baby stuff can be picked up cheaply second hand. If you want the baby and your DS would love a sibling then go for it.

I think you can manage it. You earn a good salary, so I think you can afford another child even if you may have to make some economies. Your employer will be helpful/ flexible.
Most importantly you will love and cherish the child.

A final thought but not one you can rely on - many men are reluctant fathers, some become bad fathers but others fall in love with their child when they see and hold her/him.

Having it will be hard, but terminating it would haunt you forever, and giving it up for adoption would be the same. It’s right that you want the baby.

You don’t have to have all ‘the stuff’ and can get a lot from charity shops etc.

Sorry your partner isn’t much help. Good luck xx

Congratulations 💐 you already decided! You seem very organised, just take it in little steps, one by one. Cot, clothes, pram these are not a big deal. Just think about introducing a little brother or sister to your DS, adapting your routine. Have a scan first. It will help you to come to peace with the news. Your thoughts don't seem to be about termination but about organising your life with the new reality. Do you have a good friend to talk with?