I want to keep the baby, but should I? Is it selfish?

[NoraBattysApron]

Long term partner, we are both 35. We do not live together, I have a 9 year old son who is going in to Year 5 in September.

My IUD failed and I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant, turns out my IUDs arms had folded and it was in my cervix, how the fuck didn’t I know?

I am around 10 weeks pregnant, not entirely sure as periods weren’t regular but that’s my guess. Haven’t had a scan yet so could be way off.

I earn 37k and have a loan for 4000 which I am paying off at £200 per month. I have no other debt. I would need to clear that before baby is born to have a fighting chance of staying financially afloat. I get child maintenance from DS’s dad, but it’s not much as he doesn’t earn much. I earn substantially more than my partner so child maintenance from him wouldn’t be huge either. I pay £300 per month for DS to go to wrap around care and Im not sure what the cost of full time childcare would be but it seems to have skyrocketed since DS was a baby. Maybe £55 per day? I’d be eligible for UC as a single parent to pay for childcare but I’d have to check how much that would cover and I’d have to save up for the first month.

I live on the outskirts of a city, I walk the dog in the morning, we walk to school and he goes to breakfast club then I cycle into work (wfh atm but the above is usual). I can’t park in the city centre. I also go home at lunch to walk the dog.

The nearest nursery is a drive away so the morning run would be complicated.

My partner does not want children, he is currently in meltdown, he’s anxious and panicked because he had a rubbish father figure. I’m letting him have the time he needs. I don’t anticipate we will move in together or quite frankly that we will stay together as I’m not sure that would be a healthy environment for a baby but I could be wrong and he could step up.

Am I being unreasonable given the above to want to keep this baby. Am I being selfish. I’m worried that it’s too much and that the quality of life I would provide wouldn’t be great. I want baby, I always wanted two but I wanted two in a stable household and had hoped one day we would live together but it’s worked us living apart to be honest. I can’t predict the future, I have no idea if partner is going to take the time he needs and figure out what he needs to do to step up. He may never and I don’t believe I should assume he will. Is this the sort of life I should bring a small person into?

I would love and cherish them, but I’m going to have no energy, how am I going to manage school run and childcare pick up, I travel for conferences etc but I wouldn’t be able to do that which is fine I can do my job without. My work would be very understanding and my job could 100% adapt, I mean I’m still doing everything now just from home.

I’ve personally never wanted terminations, but I don’t believe I should bring a child into a world where they wouldn’t be provided for in the best way possible. My family are staunch Christians so I’d never be able to tell them if I did.

I have no baby stuff, I have a cot from DS as I didn’t want to get rid of it but I gave all my baby stuff away to help out women who needed it.

Has anyone done this, had an older child and then a baby on their own? I know it would be hard, but is it impossible?

I’m aware I might get shouted at, it won’t phase me so feel free to throw your worst at me. But I’d like to hope I could get some advice and experiences. Practical steps, opinions etc.

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Sounds as if you want this baby, and in your position I would have the baby regardless of the boyfriend's panicking.
Hopefully he will realise that he's going to be a father and get himself together, even if that means just some financial support. He's wishes are secondary now, not his body.
DO NOT have an abortion that you are 100% sure of.

@NoraBattysApron nursery is not the only option although mrsr me far more expensive than £55/day more like £75 but look into childminders as they are significantly cheaper and for me a far better and more personal option.

As for baby stuff...ebay, Facebook market place, gumtree are all good options for second hand bits.

Good luck and congratulations!!!

As an aside, my dp and a shitty father, he would regularly beat up dp's mum and was fairly abusive to dp. He buggered off when dp was 5 and then showed up when dp was about 24 and expected to be welcomed with open arms. Dp punched him in the face and told him to fuck off and has never seen him since.

However, he is an amazing step dad to my dd. He is kind, calm, spends hours playing with her, building lego, playing dress up etc. He has taught her to ride her bike, takes her to the local mountain bike place for hours while I clean or sit and read a book in the fresh air. He is an AMAZING "dad" to her.

My point is your dp has the chance to prove that he isn't his dad, just because his dad was a waster doesnt mean that he will be.

' how am I going to manage school run and childcare pick up, I travel for conferences etc '

Unless your DP is a complete arsehole who's going to disappear entirely this is where he would come in. And if he does just f off you may meet someone else in the future, you're only 35, you won't be single forever, and in 5 years time or so your eldest child will be able to help put with babysitting etc. too

sorry new phone and it has a mind of its own.

Dp was 14 when his dad turned up

And near me nursery's are £75/day

If you want the baby, then keep it. It's as simple as that really.

Your income is more than that of some 2 parent families where both work, though I appreciate it would be a stretch. You are still in the richest few percent of people in the world.

And the financial side of it really is a short term problem. By the time the baby is born your son will be half way through year 5. By the time you go back to work and need nursery, your son will be in year 6, possibly only with a few months to go. From year 7 I assume he'll mostly be able to get himself to school, and depending on his maturity level, you could bring they forward for the few months to tide you over if needed.

I second someone's suggestion of a childminder, as they are often a bit cheaper than nursery, and you'll be able to get some help with that, and then the free hours when she's 3.

And dad should be giving maintenance anyway.

Presuming that you don't want to split with him, given he's been debating a vasectomy, this is likely to be your only chance at a second child, unless you do split.

And the 'stuff' can be obtained pretty cheaply if you look on FB marketplace etc.

It's a very recent notion that choosing to continue a pregnancy could be seen as selfish. And certainly I'd rather grow up a bit poor than not be born.

You sound like a strong person
Good luck with whatever decision you make

However, your partner was not strong enough in his feeling for the fact that he didn't want any children. If he didn't want any, he should have stepped up with more contraception himself

It takes two

Firstly whatever you chose it’s Absolutely your choice and a difficult one but I see from your Recent post that you would regret it.
It is sensible to think of the practicalities, but at the same time don’t let them frighten you, you will find a way to cope.
You’ve already proved yourself to be a very resourceful and competent, as well as a kind and caring single mum. I say still single as your partner sounds part time (that’s not meant to be rude and I’m not implying there is anything wrong with that) but it does sound like you have concerns about his full time parenting and his emotional reliability. Yet you have said that he’s good to your son and a good godparent, so maybe he could at least play some kind of supporting role within his own limits.
Your son only has two more years at primary and you’ll notice him becoming increasingly independent during that time. Encourage his friendships at school As much as possible and you will be making friends for yourself and the occasional helping hand from other mums. Many of whom would happily donate baby gear Or help with an occasional pick up. By Sept 2023 he will be off to secondary and you won’t have to worry about disrupted school runs. Your. Mum may live a long way away but might be able to stay over sometimes in the holidays which would help.
I’m sure that you will tackle the practicalities sensibly on e by one as they come. It also sounds like you work for a reasonable Tolerant company which is a huge benefit. I believe that firms will be more open to parents occasionally working from home which was the big bug bear in my day. There are breakfast and after school clubs which I found really helped with pick ups.

I had a child at 41 with a 10 year and 8 year gap and can tell you honestly that it was a joy. My two elder kids were brilliant with the new baby and were so helpful. They kept the baby entertained, loved playing with them and Whilst they used to be a handful together, the little one calmed them right down.
There’s always going to be trying times in family life but you already sound like someone who can cope well. Wishing you and your son all the best

Ok, things moved on whilst I was typing...

Best of luck

I dont know how you can chose to be with this man? He is basically just a fuck buddy. You can find a much better partner, who treats you well. Do you want this baby? Personally I wouldn't want to do it alone, with another child. Sounds to me that you don't. Don't feel bad if you do decide to terminate. Your body, your choice.

Not really what you asked but you could consider a childminder who would do the school run - might be cheaper as well

I dont know how you can chose to be with this man? He is basically just a fuck buddy

He's also a bit precious and sounds very self absorbed.

I'm not sure you will be entitled to UC on £37k a year, I am a single parent and earns less than that and am not entitled to anything

@Ugzbugz

I'm not sure you will be entitled to UC on £37k a year, I am a single parent and earns less than that and am not entitled to anything

It helps that I’m not paid monthly, so there is one month a year I get absolutely nothing for, which would mean I’ll need to foot the childcare bill myself, which I’d budget for each month and have to put that money away. But I get UC now for DS’s childcare and have been getting some during lockdown £176 I think it is at the moment but that’s boosted by the Covid uplift. I don’t think I’d be getting any during lockdown otherwise. Maybe £50.

This is very difficult op. Think about both options and life one year from now. Which seems worse?

Also this Christian family, are they around to help out?

You sound very sensible and organised. It's happened and by the sounds of it you would regret a termination so if I were you I would go for it. Babies don't need that much stuff and your 9 year old will be a secondary soon so won't need wrap around care. Nurseries round my way are £45 a day. Your partner can't blame you, it's not your fault. Good luck with it. You sound like a great mum.

Sorry but your DP sounds like a waste of space. You've been together for 5 years but he wants to live alone to have 'time for him'? Together for 4 years is also a really long commitment before letting him meet your son. I think it's reasonable you wanted to protect your son but I can't imagine being ok with waiting 4 years sat on the other side of the fence if this was someone I was really committed to?
Might not be what you'd like to hear but it sounds to me like he isn't really committed to your relationship and you're being way too soft on him by excusing his behaviour. It sounds incredibly selfish of him that upon finding out you were pregnant he had such a meltdown he had to leave the house. What about you and your feelings? What about talking things through together as a couple?
FWIW I have no doubt you'd be a great mum, not least because you are clearly putting a lot of thought into the practicalities already. So if your gut is telling you to have the baby, then I think it's the right thing to do and you'll be great. You will soon build a support network around you where you are living and raising a happy child isn't just about money.
But I do think you should end the relationship with DP regardless of what you do because it sounds like he isn't emotionally mature enough to be a SP to your son or provide you with the kind of emotional support most people would expect from a partner.

wrap around care doesn't exist after primary so it will only be a short time that you are double paying if at all, I think its doable but you wouldn't have full maternity unless work have an "extra" scheme not just bog standard mat pay etc

Look for a local to you, the primary or work childcare with say a childminder if the nurseries are further away - with a young child this might be better than the nursery situation

@BabyLlamaZen

Also this Christian family, are they around to help out?

DS goes to my mums each summer for two weeks and I think she would happily use all of her holiday to provide childcare when she could, but we don’t live close it’s three hours away. But she loves having DS at half term and summer and would be more than happy to do that. She won’t move near me as she lives near my grandparents but I think she’d consider it if they weren’t around (sorry sounds so morbid)

Congratulations 💐. I do know of quite a few siblings who have an 8 to 12 year age gap and have grown up to be very close as adults. As an alternative to abortion have you considered adoption? I know of one couple who were delighted to become parents of a baby if you years back when they had all but given up hope of ever being parents. Paragraph the mothers background was not dissimilar to yours. All the very best with what you decide to do x as an alternative to apportion have you considered that option? I know of one couple who were delighted to welcome a baby when they had all but given of ever being parents. The biological mother’s background was not dissimilar to yours. All the very best with what you decide to do x

So many people are critising OP's partner.. What exactly did he do wrong? He is perfectly entitled not to want a child. OP had a coil, it is a valid method of contraception, which has unfortunately failed. He is in a consensual relationship with a grown woman, they don't live together, he hasn't promised her anything. In fact I think it would be decent to at least ask him for his opinion on the matter of having a baby even though it is ultimately OP's body and her choice

Not sure if you'd be eligible for UC on a salary of 37k even for child care. I don't think babies need to cost that much as regards all the stuff you need. It's the childcare that is the worst. Why can't your partner contribute towards that.

You want the baby, and you can make it work. Your ds is old enough to help a little, and won't need wrap around care for much longer.

I suspect a termination might make you dislike yourself and cause a lot of stress.

Congratulations 🎉