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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to keep the baby, but should I? Is it selfish?

153 replies

NoraBattysApron · 17/07/2020 07:38

Long term partner, we are both 35. We do not live together, I have a 9 year old son who is going in to Year 5 in September.

My IUD failed and I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant, turns out my IUDs arms had folded and it was in my cervix, how the fuck didn’t I know?

I am around 10 weeks pregnant, not entirely sure as periods weren’t regular but that’s my guess. Haven’t had a scan yet so could be way off.

I earn 37k and have a loan for 4000 which I am paying off at £200 per month. I have no other debt. I would need to clear that before baby is born to have a fighting chance of staying financially afloat. I get child maintenance from DS’s dad, but it’s not much as he doesn’t earn much. I earn substantially more than my partner so child maintenance from him wouldn’t be huge either. I pay £300 per month for DS to go to wrap around care and Im not sure what the cost of full time childcare would be but it seems to have skyrocketed since DS was a baby. Maybe £55 per day? I’d be eligible for UC as a single parent to pay for childcare but I’d have to check how much that would cover and I’d have to save up for the first month.

I live on the outskirts of a city, I walk the dog in the morning, we walk to school and he goes to breakfast club then I cycle into work (wfh atm but the above is usual). I can’t park in the city centre. I also go home at lunch to walk the dog.

The nearest nursery is a drive away so the morning run would be complicated.

My partner does not want children, he is currently in meltdown, he’s anxious and panicked because he had a rubbish father figure. I’m letting him have the time he needs. I don’t anticipate we will move in together or quite frankly that we will stay together as I’m not sure that would be a healthy environment for a baby but I could be wrong and he could step up.

Am I being unreasonable given the above to want to keep this baby. Am I being selfish. I’m worried that it’s too much and that the quality of life I would provide wouldn’t be great. I want baby, I always wanted two but I wanted two in a stable household and had hoped one day we would live together but it’s worked us living apart to be honest. I can’t predict the future, I have no idea if partner is going to take the time he needs and figure out what he needs to do to step up. He may never and I don’t believe I should assume he will. Is this the sort of life I should bring a small person into?

I would love and cherish them, but I’m going to have no energy, how am I going to manage school run and childcare pick up, I travel for conferences etc but I wouldn’t be able to do that which is fine I can do my job without. My work would be very understanding and my job could 100% adapt, I mean I’m still doing everything now just from home.

I’ve personally never wanted terminations, but I don’t believe I should bring a child into a world where they wouldn’t be provided for in the best way possible. My family are staunch Christians so I’d never be able to tell them if I did.

I have no baby stuff, I have a cot from DS as I didn’t want to get rid of it but I gave all my baby stuff away to help out women who needed it.

Has anyone done this, had an older child and then a baby on their own? I know it would be hard, but is it impossible?

I’m aware I might get shouted at, it won’t phase me so feel free to throw your worst at me. But I’d like to hope I could get some advice and experiences. Practical steps, opinions etc.

OP posts:
HowFastIsTooFast · 17/07/2020 08:19

@Waxonwaxoff0

I don't think I could have a baby knowing that the father didn't want children. It's all very well if you want to continue but as a child whose father abandoned her I wouldn't want to put a child through that if I could avoid it. It really damaged me emotionally.
I have a slightly different take on this; at least OP's baby will know that he/she was very much wanted and loved by the OP from day one.

I was also abandoned by my Father at 3 months old, went off with the OW without so much as leaving a note, and given that my Mum was only 20 at the time I always had a vague feeling that she could have happily been without me too, on suddenly becoming single in her early 20s again. I played second fiddle to boyfriends and nights out quite a lot.

OP if you have doubts about a termination then don't do it. How is DP with your son? Is he good around him? Do they get on? A reminder of that might boost his confidence in himself as a father figure? Good luck with whatever you decide x

Boohoohoohooho · 17/07/2020 08:21

I think it's an extremely difficult decision. If it were me, I think I would have an abortion - I wouldn't want to have a baby with someone who doesn't want one. It would make everything so complicated and difficult. I'd also worry about my exsisting child.
It is such a personal decision though - what other people would do is hardly relevant.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/07/2020 08:27

Can I just say, while I do have a lot of sympathy for your partner who seems to be in a complete state which I wouldn’t wish on anyone, his issues are his issues. If he really didn’t want to be a dad why didn’t he have a vasectomy? He needs to own his own poor decision making and cannot try to hold you responsible in any way.

You need to focus on yourself and what is best for you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/07/2020 08:27

Oh he’s had years to get that vasectomy if he knew he didn’t want kids he ought to have used condoms. No contraceptions 100% effective on its own.

Original poster
NoraBattysApron · 17/07/2020 08:27

My partner is good with DS but only met him 4 years into our relationship so a year ago and hasn’t yet formed a big bond, he doesn’t really know what he is doing. I kept them apart for a long time because I didn’t want to introduce them, then he leave. After 4 years I was confident enough if that makes sense.

I just needed to air my fears but I guess I did already answer my question. Looks like I need to make a baby spreadsheet. I’m going to spend the next couple of months eBaying everything I can, I have a fair amount of clutter and could put that towards baby stuff and I have a shed and a spare room so I’ll start collecting stuff.

Oh god I can’t even remember what a baby needs. I mean, apart from love and care!

I’m going to operate in the assumption that I’m doing this on my own, as a PP said, if I expect nothing from him then I can’t be let down.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoraBattysApron · 17/07/2020 08:29

@Rainbowqueeen

Can I just say, while I do have a lot of sympathy for your partner who seems to be in a complete state which I wouldn’t wish on anyone, his issues are his issues. If he really didn’t want to be a dad why didn’t he have a vasectomy? He needs to own his own poor decision making and cannot try to hold you responsible in any way.

You need to focus on yourself and what is best for you.

I think the doctor refused when he was 30 and he didn’t then go to a second doctor. He’s not a very forceful person so accepted it. At 35, doctor said they’d do it but it was on hold as it was a non essential op. But that’s by the by, yes condoms should have been used if he really didn’t want to be a father.

It’s weird, he is a godfather and he is the best godfather, he dotes on his friends children but I guess when you’re handing them back.....

OP posts:
Gobbycop · 17/07/2020 08:30

You might find that after your partner has got over his meltdown he'll be a brilliant dad.

Sharkerr · 17/07/2020 08:31

One thing to think about...

Look at how much having a crap father has affected your DP.

Do you want a baby if that’s how it would be the case for them too?

It sounds like you’ve thought through most things... I’d be terrified of affording full time nursery on £37k tbh and still having enough left over to support me, my older son and baby... but if you think you can do it I’m sure you’ll manage. However I reckon if you were sure you could do this and do it well (well enough for the kids) you probably wouldn’t be here and so doubtful.

It’s a lot to think about. I wish you luck either way.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 17/07/2020 08:35

My dh had a terrible upbringing and his dad was an appalling father. It massively affected him and his siblings in deciding whether to have 3 children or not. They just couldn't trust that they had it in them or not. Two out of the three of them have now had children, the other is still undecided, paralysed with anxiety at the thought they might be anything like their parents. It's not the sort of thing you can just get over. I expect that this news has brought up a lot of painful memories for him. He isn't your primary concern of course, but id just leave him to it for the time being. Sound like he needs to seek help.

Sharkerr · 17/07/2020 08:35

Oops sorry. I hadn’t read the whole thread. Can’t believe you went from unsure to decided in the space of an hour! Good luck!

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 17/07/2020 08:36

I don't know why that said 3 children. I meant Whether or not to have children at all.

Makinglemonadefromlemons · 17/07/2020 08:36

Congratulations!

Honestly, I think you know what you will do, you are already an amazing single Mum, you will continue to be for your new baby.
You'll work out the practicalities as you go along.
I had a termination at 17, I didn't want it, but really had no other option, it was the worst experience of my life. I ended up with severe mental health illnesses. Thankfully I got better - but still have fragments of agoraphobia.
If you are even slightly uncertain then don't do it, you can make this work, and from the sounds of it, you are probably better off without DP
I hope you find peace with your decision.

Namenic · 17/07/2020 08:39

You sound like a great mum. Wishing you well with such a hard decision. Do seek out counselling if you need to talk things through. If you wanted to keep the baby, I think you would love and provide the important things for him/her. But only you know how the different choices will affect you.

Original poster
NoraBattysApron · 17/07/2020 08:42

@Sharkerr

One thing to think about...

Look at how much having a crap father has affected your DP.

Do you want a baby if that’s how it would be the case for them too?

It sounds like you’ve thought through most things... I’d be terrified of affording full time nursery on £37k tbh and still having enough left over to support me, my older son and baby... but if you think you can do it I’m sure you’ll manage. However I reckon if you were sure you could do this and do it well (well enough for the kids) you probably wouldn’t be here and so doubtful.

It’s a lot to think about. I wish you luck either way.

I was a single parent when I had the first one, as I was at university as a mature student miles from my exhusband so we lived apart until I graduated. He was there three days a week so I’ve managed on my own before, but I didn’t have a job, I was at university for 8 hours a week and managed around that.

Oh someone asked if I own my house, no I rent.

If we stayed together and this worked out, childcare would be less as he could do 4 longer days and a day off, and possibly work a day at the weekend so meaning two days that childcare isn’t needed but we wouldn’t get any childcare help which you know is fine because if we’re not entitled to it then we aren’t. Our combined income would be 65k I think. But, not really considering that scenario at the moment.

He is a loving and kind man, but he’s also selfish which I think is a matter of self preservation. And by selfish I just mean that he looks after himself first so that he can in turn look after me. One of the reasons we don’t live together is because he feels he needs time on his own to be a better partner which I get. When he can recharge his batteries he’s wonderful then to be around. But he gets stressed easily and struggles to be responsible for others. He’s not very communicative and doesn’t get upset easily, but oh boy when he does it’s a veritable flood. Actually, no he does get upset but he doesn’t let it out. So I don’t know he’s upset. He reacted really badly once as I jokingly told him to stop being an idiot, what I didn’t know was his father used to call him an idiot and so that word is a massive trigger. In hindsight idiot isn’t a nice word, but it was in the context of him standing on his head whilst the dog tried to lick his face. So my use of idiot was, stop being a silly idiot because you’ll break something on the coffee table. I learned from that.....and like I said, idiot isn’t a nice word and I shouldn’t have used it!

OP posts:
Proudboomer · 17/07/2020 08:43

Forget about your partner he will either step up or step out but in any event you have got this handled.
You earn fine and your son is 9 so after 9 months pregnant and maternity leave will be more like 11 so max of 1 year wrap around care and then on to secondary so that frees up £300 and a lot of rushing around for him.
It comes across pretty strongly from your post that you want this child so don’t be swayed by a man who probably won’t stick around anyway.

Original poster
NoraBattysApron · 17/07/2020 08:43

@Sharkerr

Oops sorry. I hadn’t read the whole thread. Can’t believe you went from unsure to decided in the space of an hour! Good luck!
One of those things where I think I did know what I wanted but I’ve been up all night mulling it over and I needed strong women to cheer me on. I’m undecided as to how to proceed with him etc but I think I already knew. I just needed to vent. Although maybe my quick decision making doesn’t bode well for the future.
OP posts:
ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 17/07/2020 08:43

Oh op! You sound like a really thoughtful lovely person and a brilliant mum. I think you sound like you've decided so I wish you the very best of luck, leave the door open for your partner, hopefully he will sort out his issues, but if not you can do this!

PurpleThistles84 · 17/07/2020 08:43

You will be fine OP, as will your baby and your 9 year old. I raised 4dc on my own for five years until I met my now husband and we also ended up having a mirena coil baby. It had moved out of position and now that baby is one year old and we all dote on him. I couldn’t terminate. There is a 15 year age gap between the baby and my eldest and a 10 year age gap between the baby and my next youngest.

If you want this baby I don’t see how you could cope with termination. Once baby gets here you will make it work because that’s what us mums do. We find a way and it will be okay.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/07/2020 08:51

He could have gone private, he could have used codoms. People do the things they want to do & he was happy to bury his head in the sand over the risk of pg.

Men are very focused and driven when they want something.

okiedokieme · 17/07/2020 08:59

Don't worry about baby stuff. 1. They don't actually need much 2. Second hand or freebies are plentiful. Register with Freecycle but I'm sure there's people responding here with stuff to get rid of. There's also pro life charities that will help you avoid an abortion - I'm not keen on their tactics but they do provide grants etc so take what you can

Iwonder08 · 17/07/2020 09:02

OP, it is a very personal choice, but you asked.. In your situation I would definitely terminate. It is generally not a good idea to have a child with a partner who doesn't want to be a father in general, not just with you. You are not financially stable, already have a little boy who needs all your love and attention. It is just way too complicated.

formerbabe · 17/07/2020 09:04

If you have the baby, you'll cope, people have babies in much worse situations. Your life will undoubtedly be easier if you don't have it, but you sound pretty realistic and level headed.

Good luck whatever you choose.

Teakind · 17/07/2020 09:09

OP, from what you've said, I think you want to have the baby. Your situation is better than a lot of people's and you'll make it work.

I know someone who fell pregnant accidentally and was going to book a termination. However she miscarried before the appointment and was devastated. How would you feel if that happened? I think that's an interesting way of considering how you really feel about it.

ThickFast · 17/07/2020 09:18

Sounds like you’ve got it all worked out! I wouldn’t have expected my partner to use condoms or have a vasectomy if I had a coil in. Else what’s the point in the coil? If he’s interested, I can recommend Philippa Perry’s book ‘what you wish your parents knew and your children will be glad you did’ Something like that. It looks at parenting but more from a view of ‘how is the behaviour in my child triggering me?’ Rather than parenting techniques. So that could be a good start for your partner.

Original poster
NoraBattysApron · 17/07/2020 09:21

@ThickFast

Sounds like you’ve got it all worked out! I wouldn’t have expected my partner to use condoms or have a vasectomy if I had a coil in. Else what’s the point in the coil? If he’s interested, I can recommend Philippa Perry’s book ‘what you wish your parents knew and your children will be glad you did’ Something like that. It looks at parenting but more from a view of ‘how is the behaviour in my child triggering me?’ Rather than parenting techniques. So that could be a good start for your partner.
Thank you for that recommendation
OP posts: