I want to keep the baby, but should I? Is it selfish?

[NoraBattysApron]

Long term partner, we are both 35. We do not live together, I have a 9 year old son who is going in to Year 5 in September.

My IUD failed and I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant, turns out my IUDs arms had folded and it was in my cervix, how the fuck didn’t I know?

I am around 10 weeks pregnant, not entirely sure as periods weren’t regular but that’s my guess. Haven’t had a scan yet so could be way off.

I earn 37k and have a loan for 4000 which I am paying off at £200 per month. I have no other debt. I would need to clear that before baby is born to have a fighting chance of staying financially afloat. I get child maintenance from DS’s dad, but it’s not much as he doesn’t earn much. I earn substantially more than my partner so child maintenance from him wouldn’t be huge either. I pay £300 per month for DS to go to wrap around care and Im not sure what the cost of full time childcare would be but it seems to have skyrocketed since DS was a baby. Maybe £55 per day? I’d be eligible for UC as a single parent to pay for childcare but I’d have to check how much that would cover and I’d have to save up for the first month.

I live on the outskirts of a city, I walk the dog in the morning, we walk to school and he goes to breakfast club then I cycle into work (wfh atm but the above is usual). I can’t park in the city centre. I also go home at lunch to walk the dog.

The nearest nursery is a drive away so the morning run would be complicated.

My partner does not want children, he is currently in meltdown, he’s anxious and panicked because he had a rubbish father figure. I’m letting him have the time he needs. I don’t anticipate we will move in together or quite frankly that we will stay together as I’m not sure that would be a healthy environment for a baby but I could be wrong and he could step up.

Am I being unreasonable given the above to want to keep this baby. Am I being selfish. I’m worried that it’s too much and that the quality of life I would provide wouldn’t be great. I want baby, I always wanted two but I wanted two in a stable household and had hoped one day we would live together but it’s worked us living apart to be honest. I can’t predict the future, I have no idea if partner is going to take the time he needs and figure out what he needs to do to step up. He may never and I don’t believe I should assume he will. Is this the sort of life I should bring a small person into?

I would love and cherish them, but I’m going to have no energy, how am I going to manage school run and childcare pick up, I travel for conferences etc but I wouldn’t be able to do that which is fine I can do my job without. My work would be very understanding and my job could 100% adapt, I mean I’m still doing everything now just from home.

I’ve personally never wanted terminations, but I don’t believe I should bring a child into a world where they wouldn’t be provided for in the best way possible. My family are staunch Christians so I’d never be able to tell them if I did.

I have no baby stuff, I have a cot from DS as I didn’t want to get rid of it but I gave all my baby stuff away to help out women who needed it.

Has anyone done this, had an older child and then a baby on their own? I know it would be hard, but is it impossible?

I’m aware I might get shouted at, it won’t phase me so feel free to throw your worst at me. But I’d like to hope I could get some advice and experiences. Practical steps, opinions etc.

I hope your partner can be the dad he never had.

You sound sorted and capable. Leave the door open for him just as long as you want to, but don't carry him. The kids will be fine with you. Yes, your finances will suffer. Contraception failure happens and it's a lot to cope with, but that applies to both of you.

I think you have thought it all through and you will be able to manage, I don't have a big age gap between my 2 but there is 13 years between me and my older brother, he is disabled though so slightly different situation. The only thing I can give some advice on is with your partner, my DH had an absent father, my DH was always great with kids and doted on his nephews, but when I said I wanted us to have a baby he got very quiet and non committal, turned out he was worried he would turn out to be like his dad, I pointed out how great he was with his nephews and gave him time to get his head around everything and he is an absolutely amazing father. I know it doesn't always work out that way but it can.
I would give your DP time for now, then talk to him, tell him that you are keeping the baby, that you dont expect him to do anything as it is your decision to keep it, but you will send him updates and scan pictures etc to keep him in the loop, if once the baby is here he doesn't want anything to do with it fine, you are planning everything as a single mum anyway, but if he does he is welcome.

Op congratulations!! You will be absolutely fab!

I just wanted to add some positivity to the ‘fatherless situation’, I have effectively grown up without a dad as has my brother. We are both absolutely fine and hold no resentment.

My mum did a brilliant job and I can honestly say thank god my mum didn’t terminate solely on the basis of being a single mum because we have had lovely lives.

Both been to university, I have a career with good prospects and neither of us are criminals!

Good luck with the future and enjoy.

Keep the baby or you will massively regret it for the rest of your life

Keep the baby ,you will cope , who knows what the future brings , you could find yourself in a better financial position completely out of the blue.
It sounds like you have already mad plans as a single parent.
Once that baby is in your arms you will not regret it , but it may be hard living with the regret of abortion if that is not what you want.

My father never wanted to be a father, my mother 'oopsed' him 6 months after they met. My older brother was born the day after my father turned 20. He eventually had a vasectomy when my younger brother was born (this was the early 70s and they were hard to get, he had to wait until he was 30). My mother wouldn't use contraception as she is a Catholic.

Having a reluctant father is shit. My father basically gave up even pretending when I was 9. Knowing your father didn't want you to exist is horrible. I went NC with my father when I was 21. That was 30 years ago and I've not seen him since.

Neither myself or my two brothers have had children of our own. I've had two terminations - including one when I was 34 and happily married, my then husband didn't want children. Never regretted either of them for even a second.

I would never have a child with a man who didn't want a child.

You will make it work OP.

Congratulations!

I can't see how you are being selfish here. You sound like you want this baby. You say your work would very understanding and my job could 100% adapt . You earn a decent salary and work near enough to get home at lunchtime. You've always wanted two. You have a supportive dm who helps out in the school holidays. In fact you have an almost perfect set up. Frankly, the only question mark is the flaky DP and seriously, his choice in the matter ended the moment sperm reached egg.

Go in to it planning to do it alone. You can provide a stable, happy and loving family environment for both your dc. If your dp decides to pull himself together and be a better father than his own was, then great. If he doesn't have it in him to try then you'll be better off without.

If you don’t want a termination then definitely don’t do it. I had one many years ago, I was well over 40 at the time, Caring for my Severely disabled son and two Small children. I definitely did bot want/woukd not have coped with another. I don’t regret the decision but it does play on my mind Even all these years Later. I dread to think how you’d feel knowing you wanted the baby. You’ll cope xx

Many people have less than adequate fathers and mothers. From my experience it makes a lot of people more determined to give their own children a better life.

What does your DP currently earn/ what is his job? I’d be making it crystal clear to him that regardless of his feelings about being a father, he will of course being financially supporting his child. You might want to use a maintenance calculator to see how much you will be entitled to and work that into your childcare budget - it’ll likely be a pitiful amount, but it’s something.
I find it interesting that you always planned to have two kids, but you’re with a DP who doesn’t want them. Did he know this? Why was he so lax with contraception? He doesn’t have the right to throw a fit when he’s done sweet FA to prevent this situation.

He doesn’t have the right to throw a fit when he’s done sweet FA to prevent this situation.

OP has the coil, as a couple they BOTH thought they were covered. Failures happen, it’s neither person’s fault in this case.

OP also said he approached his doctor about a vasectomy and was rebuffed.

This isn’t a case of a couple throwing caution to the wind and deciding to do it just once without protection and it failing.

You may expect everyone in the world to take responsibility for their own contraception no matter how loving or trusting the relationship (for example a husband of fifteen years using condoms even though wife is on the pill) but in the real world usually as a couple you decide on a method that suits you both and get on with it.

Don’t really understand the demonising of this guy here for this.

The coil is nowhere near as reliable as condoms. And given that OP wanted more children some day and he adamantly didn’t, the onus really should have been on him to take these precautions.
I’m always surprised by how many men expect women to take sole responsibility for contraception when female contraception carries more risks, is less reliable and can cause serious hormonal imbalances.

If you want a baby (and you say you do) then have the baby. I think you would regret otherwise. I am as pro choice as they come and that includes the choice to continue a pregnancy.

You sound really clued up and have a decent income (I am expecting my third child and have no where near your resources) you will be fine. Many babies are born in less than perfect circumstances but their mothers and thy manage.

As for your 'dp' it sounds like you need to just plan as if you are doing it on your own and if he comes along great if not OK. I grew up without my dad and I'm fine. Better alone than badly accompained. Tbh I don't like the sound of your partner even without this.

With regards to his upset about the pregnancy, yes he can be surprised but he needs to cut out blaming you. This was a genuine accident and tbh if he really didn't want children he should have used condoms. No one should EVER rely on someone else in a matter as serious as contraception. So I am afraid that my sympathy is limited.

Please don't let any of the handmaidens on here or in your life tell you that you are unfair or selfish for continuing your pregnancy or expecting minimum CMS and trying to pressurise you into an abortion you don't want. Abortions are a legitimate choice for those who don't want to have a baby and adoption is a legitimate option for those who don't want to raise their baby but continuing a pregnancy and raising your child is also a legitimate option.

Could you adjust your work pattern when you return to the office? Say office 2 days a week, wfh 3 days a week, start work early at home everyday, break for school run, leave for school pick up and make the hours up at home, that way no wrap around costs and nursery fees only 2 days a week.
That's how someone in my office works and it's fine.

I have two with same age gap and went into it as a single parent. No regrets. You can do this.
Good luck

You know already that you would regret an abortion so don't do it.

Your life sounds good with a decent income.

Your partner is a mess so let him fix up or ship out.

Either way you can do this. You are all you need.

It makes me a little uncomfortable actually to see some of the things that people are saying about OP's partner. I was also abused as a child and I have some triggers too. I tried for children for a long time but the one time I did think I was pregnant, I had a severe panic attack. Your DP needs some proper counselling, but obviously he needs to sort that and accept that himself. I am also an introvert and need time alone or I start to get stressed - I have seen many people on here say that. He did also try to get a vasectomy.

But all that aside, you already know what you want to do so now it is just working out the practicalities. Babies don't need as much as you think really and there is always baby stuff on my local free cycle.

The only thing I would be careful with is how you approach it with your son. Some older children will dote and love their sibling, some will not. My mum's sister had the same age gap and she was a total nightmare after my mum was born. She liked being an only and getting all of the attention. Her and mum don't speak as adults. So obviously don't assume he will be fine with it and try to find a way to carve out time with him too when baby arrives. Sometimes they need you more as they get older.

Good luck with it all. You are on a good wage, you can build a support system via baby groups and similar too.

My oldest sibling was 9 when I was born, we had a lovely childhood and we all got on really well as children and now as adults. I don't think it's selfish at all! And it sounds as though you are more stable and prepared than a lot of people!

Oh and age gap between one nephew and his sibling is 10 years - again they get on really well too.

You can manage this. Start looking for a childminder and ask work if you can continue WFH at least some of the time. Can DS’s dad take him out at weekends to give you a break and him some adult attention?
Baby equipment as others have said is easy to come by.

I think you’ll be just fine, OP.

All the very best for a happy and healthy pregnancy

DS can go away every weekend if necessary, he can go to his dads or exmils but he’ll want to spend time with with baby when they arrive so I’ll have to think about that. Seen a childminder that is on my way to work that does drop off at school etc which would save me £400 per month.

DS would love a sibling but I had told him a while ago that I wasn’t having more children (wanted them but wasn’t going to). So he will be excited

But I’m going to wait for a bit to tell him because I’m still a little concerned re IUD etc

You want the baby. I'd have it.

You sound secure, level headed and if you'll manage whatever it throws at you.

Children need basics and it's clear you'll provide the love, accommodation and food required.

You want the baby. I'd have it.

You sound secure, level headed and if you'll manage whatever it throws at you.

Children need basics and it's clear you'll provide the love, accommodation and food required.

Plus by the time you've had baby and finished maternity your ds will be secondary school age so no school run!