I want to keep the baby, but should I? Is it selfish?

[NoraBattysApron]

Long term partner, we are both 35. We do not live together, I have a 9 year old son who is going in to Year 5 in September.

My IUD failed and I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant, turns out my IUDs arms had folded and it was in my cervix, how the fuck didn’t I know?

I am around 10 weeks pregnant, not entirely sure as periods weren’t regular but that’s my guess. Haven’t had a scan yet so could be way off.

I earn 37k and have a loan for 4000 which I am paying off at £200 per month. I have no other debt. I would need to clear that before baby is born to have a fighting chance of staying financially afloat. I get child maintenance from DS’s dad, but it’s not much as he doesn’t earn much. I earn substantially more than my partner so child maintenance from him wouldn’t be huge either. I pay £300 per month for DS to go to wrap around care and Im not sure what the cost of full time childcare would be but it seems to have skyrocketed since DS was a baby. Maybe £55 per day? I’d be eligible for UC as a single parent to pay for childcare but I’d have to check how much that would cover and I’d have to save up for the first month.

I live on the outskirts of a city, I walk the dog in the morning, we walk to school and he goes to breakfast club then I cycle into work (wfh atm but the above is usual). I can’t park in the city centre. I also go home at lunch to walk the dog.

The nearest nursery is a drive away so the morning run would be complicated.

My partner does not want children, he is currently in meltdown, he’s anxious and panicked because he had a rubbish father figure. I’m letting him have the time he needs. I don’t anticipate we will move in together or quite frankly that we will stay together as I’m not sure that would be a healthy environment for a baby but I could be wrong and he could step up.

Am I being unreasonable given the above to want to keep this baby. Am I being selfish. I’m worried that it’s too much and that the quality of life I would provide wouldn’t be great. I want baby, I always wanted two but I wanted two in a stable household and had hoped one day we would live together but it’s worked us living apart to be honest. I can’t predict the future, I have no idea if partner is going to take the time he needs and figure out what he needs to do to step up. He may never and I don’t believe I should assume he will. Is this the sort of life I should bring a small person into?

I would love and cherish them, but I’m going to have no energy, how am I going to manage school run and childcare pick up, I travel for conferences etc but I wouldn’t be able to do that which is fine I can do my job without. My work would be very understanding and my job could 100% adapt, I mean I’m still doing everything now just from home.

I’ve personally never wanted terminations, but I don’t believe I should bring a child into a world where they wouldn’t be provided for in the best way possible. My family are staunch Christians so I’d never be able to tell them if I did.

I have no baby stuff, I have a cot from DS as I didn’t want to get rid of it but I gave all my baby stuff away to help out women who needed it.

Has anyone done this, had an older child and then a baby on their own? I know it would be hard, but is it impossible?

I’m aware I might get shouted at, it won’t phase me so feel free to throw your worst at me. But I’d like to hope I could get some advice and experiences. Practical steps, opinions etc.

"terminating it would haunt you forever, and giving it up for adoption would be the same."

I really hate it when people say this shit.

Every woman is different and makes the right decision for them.

Plenty of women have terminations and it doesn't "haunt them forever" FFS.

Of course there are some women who regret it, especially those who are coerced into it when it's not what they really want, but not all women.

Anyway it's not particularly relevant to the OP since she seems to have made up her mind.

I do worry about posts like this when women are undecided.

If you've been WFH, how likely is this to continue, or a more flexible approach be adopted by your employer long term?

I'm not suggesting WFH full time while looking after a baby, but more flexibility or working P/T could make the juggling act less complex?

Ah so 3 bed if baby is a girl. Well fingers crossed.....

Forgive my ignorance, why wouldn’t I want the father on the BC presuming we weren’t together.

You already have a stable household to offer this baby. You sound very resourceful and capable and you would love this child. You have lots to offer them.
I would definitely advise you to keep living apart from the father for a couple of years to ensure he is really going to step up. Try your best to avoid inflicting a reluctant and resentful man on either of your kids.
If it’s any consolation my IUD moved into my cervix and I had a surprise pregnancy. There were absolutely no symptoms and I am someone who is usually pretty aware of my body. Have you had it removed yet?

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

If you've been WFH, how likely is this to continue, or a more flexible approach be adopted by your employer long term?

I'm not suggesting WFH full time while looking after a baby, but more flexibility or working P/T could make the juggling act less complex?

So I’m likely to go back to the office last as I can do all my work from home and the space is needed for the finance teams more. Can’t specify exactly what I mean as it would be outing probably! Until social distancing measures are reduced I’ll be at home or Reduced. I believe my boss would be flexible as long as I am doing the work. Our legal advisor is in the office once a week, and I have a similar role. I’m needed for face to face meetings when it comes to projects I can advise on in my particular niche. And as some of those teams are based in London, we’ve conducted lots of those meetings via Microsoft teams. So as long as I’m productive, my department head will be flexible.

Reduced visits to the office I meant

@Hopefulhen

You already have a stable household to offer this baby. You sound very resourceful and capable and you would love this child. You have lots to offer them. I would definitely advise you to keep living apart from the father for a couple of years to ensure he is really going to step up. Try your best to avoid inflicting a reluctant and resentful man on either of your kids. If it’s any consolation my IUD moved into my cervix and I had a surprise pregnancy. There were absolutely no symptoms and I am someone who is usually pretty aware of my body. Have you had it removed yet?

Honestly I was in disbelief but it’s good to know I’m not the only one!

Yes they took it out fairly quickly because it was so low down they didn’t think it would have an impact but I need to take it easy for a few weeks, so I’ve stopped my exercise and will probably take up yoga instead.

From your OP yes you can, sand you will. I have , did and don't regret a minute of it. You are stronger than you think

I don't mean to take the conversation backwards but my dh had a vasectomy in April at the height of the lock down. Not that I'm judging as I would have felt protected just using an iud.

Also there's ten years between me and my brother. We're very close and as adults have helped each other out and supported each other with family matters which I would have had to deal with alone as an only child. You sound like you have your head screwed ❤️ so I'm sure it will work out amazingly.

Babies battled through the contraceptive equivalent of an army guard over your uterus......... I think sometimes these things are just meant to be. 😌

I’ve vaguely read the whole thread. If you want the baby, have the baby. Otherwise you will probably regret it.
The expensive bit is childcare. Everything else can be sourced cheaply and free if you put feelers out.
Does DP work? Can he contribute? Some very unwilling fathers in pregnancy have turned out the best when they are actually here.
At least the age gap means you will have a babysitter in a few years and you stagger the most expensive time (teenagers!)

Are you the poster from a couple of weeks ago whose DP told her he didn't like her son because he 'talks about boring stuff like Minecraft'? You asked for ideas to force them to like each other, but your DP couldn't be arsed trying and moved back into his own house.

If so then in this case I would have a termination. Why permanently tie yourself to this strange and high maintenance man? If you want another child you can have one with a stable, caring man who doesn't treat your existing son like shit. He's going to be a useless father and you have no family support or friends in the area. Your DS's quality of life is going to suffer if you have this baby. Not just because things will be very tight financially, but because your attention will be spread so much thinner.

@MarioPuzo

Are you the poster from a couple of weeks ago whose DP told her he didn't like her son because he 'talks about boring stuff like Minecraft'? You asked for ideas to force them to like each other, but your DP couldn't be arsed trying and moved back into his own house.

If so then in this case I would have a termination. Why permanently tie yourself to this strange and high maintenance man? If you want another child you can have one with a stable, caring man who doesn't treat your existing son like shit. He's going to be a useless father and you have no family support or friends in the area. Your DS's quality of life is going to suffer if you have this baby. Not just because things will be very tight financially, but because your attention will be spread so much thinner.

DP and DS get on really well, they’re pretty close even though we’ve never lived together apart from lockdown although to be fair he has been at his house two nights a week.

So are you the same poster? Your DP was mean to your dog too and many posters (i was one of them) recommended you break up with him and do the Freedom Programme.

This isn't a healthy or stable environment to bring a baby into, and i don't think it's in your DS's best interests. But it's your choice.

Oooft never be with a man who is mean to animals! I might have to go find that thread and have a read, maybe my situation won’t sound so bad (and no)

What’s the Freedom programme? Wait don’t answer that I’ll google it

Sounds like you want to have the baby, money shouldn’t be the main issue you will cope. Good luck.

@NoraBattysApron

Ah so 3 bed if baby is a girl. Well fingers crossed.....

Forgive my ignorance, why wouldn’t I want the father on the BC presuming we weren’t together.

Putting the father on the birth certificate means that he has automatic parental responsibility.

If he's not on the birth certificate, he won't have it automatically and will have to get you to sign paperwork to agree that you have it, or go to court to get it.

If the father's likely to disappear or be controlling and unreasonable, it makes sense not to put him on the birth certificate.

But if your partner comes around and wants to be involved, it would make sense to have him on it I think.

Just make sure you give baby your surname, obviously!

I think you have to feel very strongly that a termination is the right thing to do in order to do it, and it doesn't sound like that is how you feel OP. You sound more than capable of having this baby and making it work to me

Congratulations op, I think you’ve decided. Can’t remember who I’m replying to but I think terminating a baby you really wanted would haunt most people. Terminating a baby you really didn’t want is a different story and not this woman’s story.
Op, only thing to add is accept no blame from the father. You had an iud, he had nothing. How were you to know the iud had failed, and out of the two of you you are the one who is pregnant when an accident happens. You are in no way at fault and I wouldn’t let him in the door if he tried that line.

OP, I fell pregnant with twins. I was in a relationship which wasn't serious, I had a mortgage to pay, no family around me and I had to work to cover the bills. Just to boot, my dad had a genetic disorder that I hadn't yet been tested for. I felt that termination was the only sensible option - I didn't know how I'd manage with money or practicalities, plus there was the health issue to consider.

Went to clinic and backed out. Knew instinctively that it was wrong to terminate because deep down I didn't want to. I ended the relationship, got genetic counselling for the health issue and continued with the pregnancy. That was 10 years ago. I now have two beautiful 10 yr olds, and a wonderful life full of love. I don't regret my decision for a second. I had to be resourceful and figure things out. Reading your posts, you are intelligent, strong and capable - you absolutely can do this. While no-one can judge you for terminating, you say you want this baby. Really, that's what matters. You say you have some flexibility around your job - wonderful! You absolutely can do this. Get your thinking cap on and start making plans - and congratulations!!!

On a very basic level, I do think it's simple as, if you want the baby, have the baby, seeing as you seem pretty sorted.

All the reasons for not having the baby are reasons not to get pregnant in the first place.

But that horse has bolted - you are pregnant now, so the choice isn't baby or no baby. It's baby or termination. I've had more than one termination, and although it was undoubtedly the right choice in a difficult situation (abusive ex), it fundamentally changed how I saw myself and related to the world. That isn't true for everyone of course, but it was for me.

I would say don't underestimate how much having a termination you don't want could affect you.

I just don’t understand why some people on here are insisting the extremely unwilling partner needs to be financially responsible for this unwanted (by him) child. He was very clear that he didn’t want to be a father ever, to the extent of getting to the vasectomy booked stage and I completely understand his fear and frustration in this situation. And let’s get real - why would people bother to use condoms if an IUD is already being used as a contraceptive method?

The OP sounds like an intelligent and resourceful person, who obviously does not want a termination, so it seems like she should go ahead, but she should forget totally about unwilling partner, because she is 100% doing this for herself.

Just have to add: the accessories for the infant years are cheap - the expensive part is loss of earnings, paying out for wraparound care and of course the much more expensive teenage years and beyond. Will the OP alone be able to provide financial support to both of her children when they come to further education? Will she have enough time as a single working parent for both children?

The clue to the overwhelmingly positive responses received so far is in the name: Mumsnet. The maternal instinct is a very strong one, and perhaps the OP going ahead with her pregnancy might not be called selfish, but rather, controlled by her instinct to be a nurturing mother. My sympathies in this case are with the unwilling father.

GoodWeatherForDucks
It is unfortunate that the contraception failed, but that is always a risk, and if a man wants to be 100% sure that he won't father a child, he has to get a vasectomy, and use condoms in the meantime, or abstain from penetrative sex.
Of course he should have to contribute financially to the child he created, the legal minimum is a paltry amount anyway, it's not as if he will bear the brunt of the financial burden.

Don't make it your decision based on his reaction. My best friend did, had a termination they ended up splitting up anyway and now, four years later, he is a proud of three and she hasn't got over it.
If it's not right for YOU then that's different.

GoodWeatherforDucks I agree with your post. Op seems sorted and wants the baby which is fine but I don't see why her Dp is being criticized so much. He's been upfront and honest. He doesn't want a baby and they were using a form of contraception. He will always be the child's father even if he has nothing to do with the child and that will bring it's own issues as they grow and wonder where their Dad is. It's been very easy for the Dp to be completely disregarded in this thread. He obviously has incredibly difficult issues related to his father. All this could lead to very turbulent times ahead once the baby is born if the Dp doesn't just disappear and leave Op to it.