To think you don’t complain when you’re getting free child care?

[WorkingGirl7]

Our lovely nanny has been with us for the last 4 years taking care of my two boys (age 7) after school and full time during the holidays. She’s brilliant and I trust her completely.
Due to the current situation my boys haven’t seen any of their friends for a few months and they won’t be going back to school until September at the earliest so I thought it would be nice to invite one of their friends over once a week (with our nanny’s permission) just so they can socialise and have a bit of normality. He has been coming every Wednesday whilst I’m at work. I am quite close to his mother and we normally text every other day however I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve made a mistake inviting them over. I’ve noticed that every time he visits his mother makes comments which I think are quite rude. Some examples are -

The first time he visited I spoke to his mum that night just to see if he’d enjoyed himself and she told me that he didn’t like our nanny, no reason why. I spoke to my nanny the next day (didn’t tell her what had been said) just to see if everything had been okay whilst he’d been over and she said that he had been fine. A couple of weeks later he told his mum that our nanny hadn’t fed him much all day (personally I didn’t believe this as our nanny is a great cook). I spoke to her anyway and explained what had been said and she explained that the boy had been dropped off at 9:30 and told her he hadn’t been given any breakfast at home. That day he had 3 meals, plus a snack at my house so had been fed plenty. My nanny did explain that the boy constantly asks for food every 30 mins even after he’s had a large meal.

Yesterday he went home upset because our nanny asked him to stop playing rap songs on the Alexa (apparently he kept on asking to play Eminem which is obviously inappropriate). She explained to him that we don’t listen to songs like that in our house BUT did not tell him that he couldn’t listen to it at home! According to his mother he was extremely upset afterwards. I think it’s probably best if we part ways and no longer have the boy over as it’s putting stress on not only me, but my nanny as well. This was suppose to be a fun arrangement for the boys to spend some time together but has now turned into a complete nightmare because his mother complains every week. I also don't appreciate the accusations being hurled at my nanny as she really is apart of the family. I would rather not fall out with her but I’m not sure how she’ll take it when I tell her he can’t come anymore. AIBU?

I definitely agree it's off that the mum is complaining but if its every week is there any possibility the nanny isnt 100% correct either? Sometimes two people are seeing things from very different perspectives doesnt mean one is fibbing, and it would be a shame to alienate your childs friend over it.

Is it possible the nanny simply doesnt like the friend/having an extra kid for a full day so is exaggerating stuff in order to bring the arrangement to an end?

I meant playing with them in a family environment not with a childcare employee as the dynamic is different, even with a nanny.

Working girl

Do you ever host the playdates yourself?

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland the nanny didn't "start" it, the other mum did. It was only due to her comments and complaints that OP approached the nanny and asked her her version of events.

Ah ok fair dos I missed that.

I just kind if don't see what's in it for the kid to complain/lie but I guess some kids are just difficult.

When I was working I'd leave one of the older ones in charge. Sometimes other people's children were here, their parents knew the situation. No-one cared. The kids wanted to spend time with each other, not having people hovering around.

There's been at least once when I've been delayed and one of my wonderful sitters would suddenly find themselves with a few more kids. Again, parents knew and wasn't bothered.

They were more bothered that I left someone in charge that was responsible.

During weekend and holidays, parents not always around so various services used. Might spend the morning chilling in one house, move onto another house or even go to whatever club was on for them together without adult supervision.

But of course it also depends on the maturity/age of the children and the area.

I just kind if don't see what's in it for the kid

Two possibilities spring to mind.

1.he really really doesn't like the nanny, or more like her rules/restrictions and this is his way to get back at her/he actually feels slighted.

2.he doesn't actually want to go to OP's house but his mum makes him go, so he's either lying or exaggerating every little thing so she'll keep him home.

If DD came home and said she didn't like someone I'd either not send her to their house or maybe just for a short time, or if she really liked the kid invite them over instead.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland My nanny has been with us for over 4 years and if there was anything "dodgy" about her my children would have absolutely no issue with telling me. My kids absolutely adore her. She is firm but fair which is how I try to raise my kids. She applies the same rule to all children e.g my kids aren't allowed to listen to Eminem so neither is their friend whilst he is at my house. He can do whatever he wants in his own home when his parents are in charge.
Also, I'm not sure why my nanny would lie about feeding him. She feeds my kids so why would she leave the other child out? It absolutely makes no sense.

I think most of the other posters have hit the nail on the head which is that he doesn't like the rules.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland also I think I've already answered this question but yes I do occasionally host the play dates myself but as I work full time it can be incredibly difficult finding the time to do it. I'm always shattered on the weekend and would prefer to spend time with just the kids.

Firstly, the OP is totally not being unreasonable and quite right to cancel the playdate arrangement.

Secondly, it is not uncommon when there are working parents on long hours/commutes for a nanny to do the childcare, school runs, playdates, take the kids to birthday parties, etc. It is sometimes the only option for school holidays or when kids are too young to be boarders. Not everyone is a SAHM, has lots of nearby relatives, or works from home, etc.

At primary school age my DDs 2 best friends both had really lovely, fun, caring nannies. For each nanny it was expected that they would host play dates including full or half days in the school holidays. Some of the best times my DD had were at her separate friends houses with the nannies in charge. They were young, trained and easy to get along with. They kept discipline where needed and actually both said they enjoyed having other children over as it meant the children they were employed to look after had others to play with which made them less demanding. Not unusual at all for nannies to be in charge during play dates in my experience and the two I have mentioned were considered part of the family by their respective households. OP it sounds like you really value your nanny and the flowers etc is a great idea to show your appreciation for her having acted professionally in a difficult situation with this particular boy. For her sake and yours I agree you should terminate the arrangement as you propose.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

My CM is totally relaxed but she isnt a substitute for a parent. There is a distinction between childcare and a parent.

There's also a big difference between a child minder and a nanny.

I've been a nanny for 20y and it would occur to me not to host playdates. I generally look after the children 5 days a week so if I didn't host them/reciprocate when they've been invited to someone's house, it's unlikely they would get to have many as parents rarely want to fill their weekends off hosting school friends. It's one of the main benefits of having a nanny, you act as a kind of proxy parent on their behalf when they're at work.

A childminder and a nanny are very different things @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

And it's not like nannies have a massive sign on them when doing school drops, in the parks, out shopping and stuff with their "charge". Same with some childminders, a friend used to travel to their house, collect from their, drop to school and have them afterwards. It worked for them, to others it would have looked like the parent.

Loads of kids mine have played with, only met the parents at a party.

Although playdates i did avoid personally doing (ex did them) until their parents weren't needed to hang around. Drop and go.

My nanny knows many of the parents of my DC's school friends as well or better than I do, as she sees them on the school run. They know exactly how good and trustworthy she is. She also arranges playdates meeting up with her nanny friends and their charges. As with the OP, she's a member of my family and has been for years.

I do in fact often host playdates on my one nonworking day in the week, but if you work FT and have a nanny, of course she is going to host playdates, as when else would they happen? Every time a FT working mum posts on here to say she is struggling to socialise with other families and have playdates on the weekend, people tell her to suck it up, people want to spend time with their own families on the weekend.

@WorkingGirl7 so has the other parent got back to you?

I think it's just a bit long for a playdate. Your children are quite young...Do they enjoy having a guest on their 'home turf' for a whole day at a time? Maybe the boy finds it stressful too.

I only have a toddler and I'm sure it's different for older children, but although he loved the idea of having his "friends" over pre-Covid when we were doing playdates at home, an hour or two was all he could realistically manage of them in his territory before happily waving them off. And vice versa when we visited other people.

I wonder if this is your nanny, although detail a bit different lol

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3988469-fed-up-nanny

Your poor nanny! Just be brutally honest - tell her it's not working out- invite someone less horrid & more grateful instead!

I don't understand why the other boys mother keeps sending him if he doesn't like the nanny so much especially when he will be spending alot of time there.

OP your Nanny sounds great.

It is difficult to know what to do if your children like playing with him. It tough if your children will miss him, but he needs to behave when there.