To think you don’t complain when you’re getting free child care?

[WorkingGirl7]

Our lovely nanny has been with us for the last 4 years taking care of my two boys (age 7) after school and full time during the holidays. She’s brilliant and I trust her completely.
Due to the current situation my boys haven’t seen any of their friends for a few months and they won’t be going back to school until September at the earliest so I thought it would be nice to invite one of their friends over once a week (with our nanny’s permission) just so they can socialise and have a bit of normality. He has been coming every Wednesday whilst I’m at work. I am quite close to his mother and we normally text every other day however I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve made a mistake inviting them over. I’ve noticed that every time he visits his mother makes comments which I think are quite rude. Some examples are -

The first time he visited I spoke to his mum that night just to see if he’d enjoyed himself and she told me that he didn’t like our nanny, no reason why. I spoke to my nanny the next day (didn’t tell her what had been said) just to see if everything had been okay whilst he’d been over and she said that he had been fine. A couple of weeks later he told his mum that our nanny hadn’t fed him much all day (personally I didn’t believe this as our nanny is a great cook). I spoke to her anyway and explained what had been said and she explained that the boy had been dropped off at 9:30 and told her he hadn’t been given any breakfast at home. That day he had 3 meals, plus a snack at my house so had been fed plenty. My nanny did explain that the boy constantly asks for food every 30 mins even after he’s had a large meal.

Yesterday he went home upset because our nanny asked him to stop playing rap songs on the Alexa (apparently he kept on asking to play Eminem which is obviously inappropriate). She explained to him that we don’t listen to songs like that in our house BUT did not tell him that he couldn’t listen to it at home! According to his mother he was extremely upset afterwards. I think it’s probably best if we part ways and no longer have the boy over as it’s putting stress on not only me, but my nanny as well. This was suppose to be a fun arrangement for the boys to spend some time together but has now turned into a complete nightmare because his mother complains every week. I also don't appreciate the accusations being hurled at my nanny as she really is apart of the family. I would rather not fall out with her but I’m not sure how she’ll take it when I tell her he can’t come anymore. AIBU?

I doubt very much he hadnt had breakfast. Sounds like he is a child who er... stretches the truth shall we say. And doesnt stop eating. What a treasure

The other mum is a cf. if her son was so unhappy why did she carry on with the play dates. Definitely knock it on the head

@excuseforfights - he's still an entitled brat, and actually worse than he was at the age of 7. His parents have never disciplined him, have spoilt him to the extent that he expressed a vague interest in horses once - so they bought him one (which he, of course, then being 12 lost interest in very quickly, so now his mother's doing all the care for)... and although he has learned to be polite to me (it took maybe another six months or so, of my correcting him about calling me by my first name, because he'd assumed he could do so), he still has an air of being better than others. It's odd, because none of my son's other friends are anything like that - and have spent most of their lives, pre-Covid, wandering freely in and out of my home, eating with us (bottomless pits, all of them!), and generally showing that their parents raised them properly. "Bob" is the only spoiled one, the only one whose parents can't bear to hear anything bad about (they were highly offended that a teacher had dared to suggest that he might need some help with his math, a few years ago, because "Bob" was, of course, good at everything...), and the only one who I suspect may have a nasty shock ahead of him when he enters the real world of adulting. His younger brother is much the same. Blacked my son's eye one day at school, by (and I'm quoting a teacher who witnessed it, here) deliberately swinging a metal lunchbox into his face. The mother's response? "Oh, well [my son] ought not to have been in the way of it!". I completely get that accidents happen - but when a teacher uses the words "deliberately swung", it obviously wasn't an accident. His punishment, according to another mutual friend, was a trip to the cinema, because he'd had such a tough day. My son's evening? Spent in pain as the swelling filled in, and a trip to A&E to check his nose wasn't broken.

So, it might have been 9 years, but... no. Also, I was one of the last of our group of "school gate friends" to ban him from my home, and one of the last whom he was rude to, or offended.

It's not "Bob" or his younger brother's fault, per se. It's because they've both been raised as Little Princes who can do no wrong, ever. I blame their parents. Which is a shame, because otherwise their mother's really nice, and I used to work with their father. Until it comes to their sons, they're both level-headed and lovely. The total opposite of their boys

@user1471462428 - exactly. He was very fortunate that our old dog didn't bite him, through shock/instinct/pain... our current one, on the other hand, I know probably would, if he touched her, because she cannot stand him. Even when he's standing in the porch, making small talk whilst my son ferrets his shoes out of wherever he's hidden them, my current dog's body language is one of anxious alert and she won't go near him. Any of the others, though, and she's pretty much trying to climb into their pockets, relaxed, tail wagging, being made a fuss of. She's known all of them her whole life, and it's only "Bob" she dislikes. I think that speaks volumes.

This may have been said already but I wonder if the boy’s mother is escalating what he’s saying to her as a way to get at you and your nanny because she’s jealous you have that arrangement. Just a thought, she’s lashing out because she’s bitter...?

Winterwoolies

What is there to be jealous of .

Understand why a parent who chooses to employ a nanny would want to include hosting playdates.

However as the parent of another child, I view it differently sending my child to be in the care of your nanny for a day, not you. Part of being a childs friend is getting to know their parents and vice versa. Also as a parent you are putting trust in the person you leave your child with. you have chosen your nanny as a person you trust to care for your child. From the other parents perspective, they are putting trust in you as the parent of their childs friend. It's a step further for you to then leave their child with an employee of yours.

Do you never ever host a play date yourself? Don't you want to see how your child is with their friends, get to know their friends a bit?

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Winterwoolies

What is there to be jealous of .

Some people get really weird on here the second someone mentions having a nanny. There are MNers who hold it synonymous with "arrogant, overprivileged, entitled person who deserves whatever rudeness I dish out", so presumably they exist in RL too.

I'm surprised it hasn't been suggested yet from the child's parent.
Child doesn't like the only adult available
Child doesn't like their music restricted
Child doesn't seem to be eating enough.

Not sure I'd have bothered sending them after the first or second time if all they are going to do is complain about what they didn't get and a reminder that the world doesn't revolve around them. And they are still guests who should be respectful to the adults and follow the house rules.

Only thing I would have bothered op with is confirmation about food, and apologise for their behaviour.

Do you never ever host a play date yourself? Don't you want to see how your child is with their friends, get to know their friends a bit?

How did you get from the nanny hosting playdates with this particular child, to the OP never hosting playdates herself? And how many dads have ever hosted a playdate, I wonder?

The other mum in this scenario clearly was aware from the beginning that the playdate was hosted by the nanny and was happy to send her DC on that basis, seeing as she did so repeatedly.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Understand why a parent who chooses to employ a nanny would want to include hosting playdates.

However as the parent of another child, I view it differently sending my child to be in the care of your nanny for a day, not you. Part of being a childs friend is getting to know their parents and vice versa. Also as a parent you are putting trust in the person you leave your child with. you have chosen your nanny as a person you trust to care for your child. From the other parents perspective, they are putting trust in you as the parent of their childs friend. It's a step further for you to then leave their child with an employee of yours.

Do you never ever host a play date yourself? Don't you want to see how your child is with their friends, get to know their friends a bit?

Part of being a childs friend is getting to know their parents and vice versa.

Not really, my own dc's mates don't know me, I don't know their parents other than maybe a passing hello on the streets. Same when I was a kid, I didn't know their parents.

Or do you mean parents relationship with each other? Again, not everyone does this either. Starts off like this maybe in primary, once they start getting older this starts to dwindle, and before you know it they are off to secondary and you ask about Tom and the reply is who? Oh yea err I don't know.

Im another who thinks Op's nanny deserves an apology....please dont put her in this awkward situation again.

I dont think it is clear.

If I was parent, I'd have sent first time assuming that given it was all day, at least part of it would be hosted by a parent. I would then have assumed it was a one off that it was the nanny all day, or assumed child maybe misremembered.

Everyone is assuming the child is badly behaved & they probably are, but different people do also do rub along differently with people. We had a nanny when we were children that my sibling and I detested, but our other sibling loved.

If my child really wanted to go play with their friend but hated the nanny, I can see how some people might end up trying to find a way to engineer it that the playdate happens but without the nanny. The parent is making it clear they want the playdates to happen as they keep sending the child, the element they seem to be position as an issue is the nanny, whether OP likes that or not.

OP have you tried just an honest conversation?

Eg. "Your child doesnt seem happy about the playdates. I appreciate he doesnt seem to like the nanny, but that's meaning he's being a bit difficult for her. I'm sorry but my work commitments mean all the playdates will continue to be with nanny. If that doesnt work for you perhaps lets leave it here."

Chalk it up to experience, and next time suggest an hour or two with one of you two lingering to back up nanny (not this child lol). Plus you can see for yourself attitude and behaviour etc before long days.

Any mention of child not liking them, oh well that's a shame kind of thing and don't suggest another day when she would be in charge. Of course assuming your child does actually like their mate.

Hope you get nanny a nice thank you present.

I obviously live in a parallel universe where this just wouldnt happen. Among my friends it would be considered weird to send a child to a playdate supervised by a nanny, but equally where i live nannies aren't common for school age children so it doesnt come up much, because they are much more expensive than childminders or afterschool clubs.

Op, you sound like a wonderful employer.

Playdates with the Nanny are the norm to me. Sometimes my boss will instigate and ask if I'm okay with it (yes) and sort it out like you have and most of the time I'll sort it out myself. The arrangement could of been lovely if it had worked out well, it just hasn't.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland the mother knew from the start of the arrangement that our nanny would be looking after them as I work full time Mon-Fri, so she had every opportunity to decline the invite and just say "thanks, but I'd prefer it if the play date took place when your at home". I have had this particular boy over a couple of times (a while ago now though) and I can't remember him misbehaving this much. I can be pretty relaxed though sometimes as I'm normally doing a 100 things at once as where our nanny's sole job is to look after/monitor the kids so she's probably noticed a lot more than I did. I still don't understand the issue with our nanny looking after him though, after all she is a child carer and play dates are apart of the job description, but as you say may just not be common around where you live.

I would have him over myself but tbh I'm normally so shattered after working all week, all I want to is chill out with the kids on the weekend, see family & friends etc.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland
Nannies weren't the norm here, but a few did. If the parents worked different shifts/hours to the "norm" I would ask who would be around.

The ones working regular hours I'd be asking why they want a house full on their day off if mid week and probably offering to take theirs lol.

Don't people usually ask a bit about who will be there when they send their kids round?

It would never occur to me that it would be anyone other than the parent organising the playdate, so no, I wouldn't ask.

I have one day off a week but as it's the only day my kids can have a playdate, I nearly always would have a house full on my day off! For me hosting playdates is part of parenting. With youngish kids the other parents often stop and chat for a bit when dropping off or picking up, or stop for a coffee themselves, and I learn a lot from seeing how DS behaves with his peers.

Not really, my own dc's mates don't know me, I don't know their parents other than maybe a passing hello on the streets. Same when I was a kid, I didn't know their parents.

It was really different for me. I knew my best friends mum and dad really well. Once my sister and I came home from school to find our house had been burgled. My best friends mum came and took me to their house while my parents were sorting everything, I remember being quite upset and her giving me a big hug and a hot chocolate.

My sisters best friends parents came to her wedding.

I dont know how its possible for child not to know their friends parents. If a 6 year old is being driven to ballet every week with best friend and their dad, or having friend for tea regularly, of course they will come to know the parents a bit surely.

Oh of course knew them like that, talk with them when they're around, there for when the kids need it etc. They'd tell me about their parents, their siblings etc. What they would be doing over the holidays and things like that.

One always loved to be home by a certain time a couple of nights a week, so he could eat with the family. Other nights they would be with the nanny, which of course they also enjoyed.

Most of them are now adults and their friendships have done whatever friendships do. A few of them were always going off places together before CV.

You've tried to do a nice thing, no good deed goes unpunished. Invite a different friend over in future.

I agree with a previous poster - some people feel very jealous and insecure if you're doing well enough in life to have a nanny (especially if your child is school-aged). I certainly attracted plenty of catty comments when I told people I was advertising for a nanny recently. I suspect some of the judgemental comments on this thread may arise from this, sadly, as may the attitude of your friend and their child. It's perfectly normal for a nanny to host playdates, and, as a previous poster pointed out, we don't judge dads for not being present at a playdate...

Dont have him anymore. Your poor nanny having to put up with that.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Understand why a parent who chooses to employ a nanny would want to include hosting playdates.

However as the parent of another child, I view it differently sending my child to be in the care of your nanny for a day, not you. Part of being a childs friend is getting to know their parents and vice versa. Also as a parent you are putting trust in the person you leave your child with. you have chosen your nanny as a person you trust to care for your child. From the other parents perspective, they are putting trust in you as the parent of their childs friend. It's a step further for you to then leave their child with an employee of yours.

Do you never ever host a play date yourself? Don't you want to see how your child is with their friends, get to know their friends a bit?

If a parent doesn't like the playdate being supervised by a nanny, then of course they don't sent them the next time

Slagging off the nanny is rude,
whether they disapprove of nannies in principal, or disapprove of this particular one who won't indulge their child as much as they do.