To think you don’t complain when you’re getting free child care?

[WorkingGirl7]

Our lovely nanny has been with us for the last 4 years taking care of my two boys (age 7) after school and full time during the holidays. She’s brilliant and I trust her completely.
Due to the current situation my boys haven’t seen any of their friends for a few months and they won’t be going back to school until September at the earliest so I thought it would be nice to invite one of their friends over once a week (with our nanny’s permission) just so they can socialise and have a bit of normality. He has been coming every Wednesday whilst I’m at work. I am quite close to his mother and we normally text every other day however I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve made a mistake inviting them over. I’ve noticed that every time he visits his mother makes comments which I think are quite rude. Some examples are -

The first time he visited I spoke to his mum that night just to see if he’d enjoyed himself and she told me that he didn’t like our nanny, no reason why. I spoke to my nanny the next day (didn’t tell her what had been said) just to see if everything had been okay whilst he’d been over and she said that he had been fine. A couple of weeks later he told his mum that our nanny hadn’t fed him much all day (personally I didn’t believe this as our nanny is a great cook). I spoke to her anyway and explained what had been said and she explained that the boy had been dropped off at 9:30 and told her he hadn’t been given any breakfast at home. That day he had 3 meals, plus a snack at my house so had been fed plenty. My nanny did explain that the boy constantly asks for food every 30 mins even after he’s had a large meal.

Yesterday he went home upset because our nanny asked him to stop playing rap songs on the Alexa (apparently he kept on asking to play Eminem which is obviously inappropriate). She explained to him that we don’t listen to songs like that in our house BUT did not tell him that he couldn’t listen to it at home! According to his mother he was extremely upset afterwards. I think it’s probably best if we part ways and no longer have the boy over as it’s putting stress on not only me, but my nanny as well. This was suppose to be a fun arrangement for the boys to spend some time together but has now turned into a complete nightmare because his mother complains every week. I also don't appreciate the accusations being hurled at my nanny as she really is apart of the family. I would rather not fall out with her but I’m not sure how she’ll take it when I tell her he can’t come anymore. AIBU?

To turn this around, what's weird is that the other boy's mum continued to send him to a home where he claimed not to like the adult in charge? OP, this is definitely not on you. You've been endlessly patient and considerate of all involved. Definitely just go ahead and cancel the arrangement.

If your DS really wants to play with this child, would it be possible/appropriate to invite him over but for shorter play dates? eg just a morning/afternoon?

Would also be interesting to know what the other boy's family are like. We had mortifying experience where our nanny was babysitting on a Friday night and DS asked if neighbour friend could come over to watch a movie. Nanny was fine with it so we asked parents of boy. All fine.

Nanny had to send the boy home early eventually because his behaviour was so appalling. What's weird, is he's NEVER like that in our house. We have long picked up some slight snobby elements in him but as we don't know the family well we haven't paid too much attention. But it became clear that day that he saw her as "staff" and thought it was okay to behave very differently to how he behaved with us. It was very disappointing and has negatively impacted how we see the entire family since.

I don’t get why you invited him for a whole day every week?! I’d have had him for a few hours once to see how it went!

@SleepingStandingUp lol are you the other mum?
Just reading the thread.

notacooldad

'Just stop...Just leave it'

OP has already said she's stopping it

I think the suggested texts are leaving things too open.

"Hi Karen, sorry if Tarquin doesn't like Nanny, she's lovely and great with our DC so I'm afraid I can't comment on that. He had 3 meals the first time he was here. The second time she stopped him putting Eminem on the Alexa because the language and content wasn't appropriate for small children. If he's not having fun here he of course doesn't have to come anymore! Xxx"

The CF may just reply 'oh no, he is having fun, let's keep going' to the above.

I would immediately stop the Wed anyway because it's leaving your nanny open to criticism and to accusations- as a nanny this must be frightening. You need to have her back for your own good (so she wants to carry on being your nanny and doesn't feel worried children are making accusations of not being fed or too heavy discipline).

When she said he wasn’t fed all day
Surely your sons would have mentioned that they’d not been fed all day?!

I agree that she wouldn’t have told you her son didn’t like the nanny.
Irrelevant whether her son likes her or not
Although....

Could she have been flagging up to an issue with your nanny that she perhaps doesn’t like either out of genuine concern?

@WeAllHaveWings we can have an honest conversation but I think telling someone that their child dislikes their nanny is a bit over the top, especially since our nanny made such an effort to welcome him into my home. I asked her if he'd enjoyed himself and she came out with that comment. I probably would have kept that thought to myself if that was me. As mentioned above I had no issue that she queried the food situation as I probably would have done the same, although I did think it was slightly hypocritical to drop off her son at 9:30 without having any breakfast first. It's no wonder he was hungry.

I will send a quick text tonight just to say I think it's best we leave the play dates for now!

@Atadaddicted yes exactly and my two are gannets!

"Maybe the other mum is thinking she'd like to spend time with her own kid and doesn't quite know how to say "actually I'd rather not send him over on my day off"

It might be that the boy is complaining because he'd rather spend time with his parents

@NudgeUnit

I don't think 'free childcare' is either here or there, as she didn't ask for it and doesn't need it as far as we know. But clearly neither child nor parent are satisfied with the arrangement, and equally clearly the complaints aren't reasonable and therefore aren't amenable to improvement. I would just knock it on the head by saying it's not working out, as various pp have suggested. As an aside, I might wonder why this child is hungry constantly and keep an eye on that in the future if possible. You sound like a good employer btw.

Why would OP be, “keeping an eye on that?”, the nanny has already confirmed he ate 3times at their house and It’s not her child. It’s up to the mother to keep an eye on her child’s nutrition.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'd just say something along the lines of "he doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as we thought he would so let's just knock it on the head. See you in September"

Yep. And if she protests, don't relent.

Your poor nanny. It sounds as though she's very polite but I'm sure she's dreading those days and resenting you for suggesting it.

“Oh dear, I’m so sorry to hear that. I tell you what, let’s leave the play dates until I can supervise myself. How’s work going?”

Definitely best to cancel it op 😁

The child probably had been fed breakfast - he just told the nanny he hadn't, as he told his mother he hadn't been fed much by the nanny.

There's nothing wrong with the boy expressing himself and saying he doesn't like the nanny, we all like and dislike people for a variety of reasons. I don't think it's rude, it's simply factual. I'm confused tho, as to why the mum would then send him a further 3 times if in the first instance he said he didn't like her, then she didn't feed him enough, and now he's moaning about the music. If it was my dd I'd not send her back again.

As for the rap music, sounds like he's used to getting his own way and doesn't like being told what he can and can't do.

As other pp have said, just knock it on the head, it's obviously not working

@BurtsBeesKnees I'm not sure where I said that the boy couldn't express his feelings, please could you point that out? Absolutely he can, I have no issue with that but did his mother need to pass that message onto me? I don't think so.

My God, she is doing her son absolutely no favours. What a pair of snowflakes.

I'm a nanny and would be absolutely gutted to hear that the mum is moaning that their child doesn't like me.... who I was looking after essentially as a freebie every single week.

Definitely cancel anymore of this going forward and stick up for your Nanny. It sounds like this kid doesn't have any discipline etc at home and the fact the mum is constantly saying negative things is so rude to both you and your nanny!

The mother and son I mean!
YANBU.

It's not working. Tell her that. Don't be shy about it, she obviously isn't.

@sociallydistained this is exactly why I didn't tell her what was said as I'm sure she'd be quite upset, especially since she made such an effort to make him feel welcome. She's a fantastic nanny (hence why we've kept her with us for so long) and she doesn't deserve to be treated that way at all.

OP why wouldn't she pass the message into you? It's not being rude about you or the nanny. It's being factual. If she's been personal and called her names then that would be rude.